I think my Mother has dementia and is taking care of my Dad that has dementia too. Any advice?
My mom is very forgetful. She forgets his medicine, forgets what the care nurse says. Tells people she has it all taken care of.
I am the one who writes down everything, takes the phone calls, and gets the ball rolling. She thinks she is doing it. Fills in the blanks when she REALLY can't remember. Tells my dad that I call her stupid. My dad has more of a memory than my mother, who is his caretaker...
She won't let me take care of the medicine, and forgets if she gave it to him or not. I try to inform her of everything going on, is that wrong? She fills in the blanks on that too.
She is getting worse, and has gotten worse, since my dad may die, but I can't intervene. My mom has convinced my dad that I am trying to put him in a nursing home. HELP!!!
She has no filter, and tells everyone (even if she doesn't remember how it is)...she has everyone around our small rural area thinking I sit at home and never helps them. Very far from the truth. They both would be in a nursing home if it wasn't for me. I live next door, but have to have down time, after a day with her. Dad is fine with me.. I think he knows that his life is in HER hands.
She is always telling me he is pooping, I told her we need to take him to the doctor if he is having a bowel movement every hour. She says that it's his hemroids making him think he has to poop. I don't know what to think. Is it so that I won't stay in the room with him long. I can't talk with him alone, she sits right there and tells him I'm lying, that's not what happened.... About anything.
She tells me he's not eating, but then later tells me he eats.
My siblings live in other states. They don't want to know about anything. It stresses them out too much. They thank me for being there, but they can't make it down right now.
Any suggestions, or help?
Sorry if it sounds like I'm rambling....but, I'm about to lose it ;(
6 Answers
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My dad spilled over the the pill box, (which I bought for them. to keep it more organized.) She won't let me help sort them out. she says I will mess them up, and she knows exactly the ones to give (wrong).
I walked in last night and I see 3 pills here, 4 pills there etc...
I have to keep reminding her "have you gave dad his pills?" she said, he won't take some of them because they are too hard to swallow. So I went out and bought the 4th pill crusher within 5 years.... I know it's hard on her, but If I'm not there absolutely 24/7 she gets really mad at me. But, when I'm there. She forgets whats she's doing for dad, until he calls her back into the room. UGH!... do I have a narcissitic mom?
People who have dementia can seldom live safely alone except in very early stages.
People who have dementia cannot be relied upon to be caregivers.
While neither of your parents lives "alone," if they both have dementia it is very much like two people each living alone. They probably each need caregivers.
The fact that you live next door and are concerned for them could allow them to live "alone together." for longer than if there was no one checking on them, etc. BUT the fact that your mother will not allow you to help and interferes with your attempts kind of nullifies that benefit.
Your mother can't remember if she's given your dad his pills. For heavens' sakes! Aren't they in a pill organizer of some kind? I have no dementia and I'm only 70, but many days I can't remember if I've taken my own pills. I can easily find out. Are they still in the pill box? Oops ... better take them now!
Your poor mom can't help her memory lapses. She is behaving very "normally" for someone in her situation. And it sounds like she absolutely can't acknowledge the need to share the care of her husband. Poor dear.
You really do need to protect both of your parents from your mother's increasing impairment.
How? That is the question, isn't it? I'd start with blannie's suggestion -- get medical professionals involved. Write a letter detailing the risks you have observed. Write in one day, then edit it the next, to keep it sharp, short, and to-the-point. Use bullet points. Send this to their doctors. Do your parents see the same PCP? If not, send it to both PCPs.
Ask if their clinic(s) have a social worker who can assess the situation.
Again, hugs to you. This has got to be heartbreaking for you!
You need either the doctor or the nurse to witness some of that so that they'll support you in getting more help for both of them. It sounds like they should both be in an assisted living facility. Is that possible where you live? If they both have dementia or Alzheimers, chances are they'll both need to be in a facility unless you can get them 24-hour care in their home.