Dementia symptoms. Any advice?

Fact: You have three little kids, not two. Your mother doesn't have the capacity to do chores any longer. Getting dressed and eating are probably more ingrained in her brain than chores, but the dressing herself part will likely go away before long, then eventually she won't be able to feed herself.

The only chore I could get my mother to do was to polish silver, a not-very-useful task but one she'd always enjoyed doing. She didn't do a great job, but it made her happy.

Hi anonymous,
You must have your hands full. With two small kids at home you'll need a new plan. You may want to talk with a CELA (certified eldercare attorney) to assist you in looking at options, care planning, financials, POA etc.
As suggested, read 'Understanding the Dementia Experience'.
If you're seeing behaviours that you never have before, it's the dementia, and it's not willfull--hang on to that thought.
As the disease progresses it reduces the brain's ability to not only store recent information, but it takes away emotional regulation, judgement, and executive ability too. She won't be able to perform chores that require multiple steps because she has no short term memory to help her figure out the order she's supposed to do things. Even making a sandwich becomes a challenge.
Something that a person with dementia might like is folding laundry, or a single focused task where things are set up for them--My mom was great at polishing silver if I got the things out for her, and she loved listening to music from when she was young while she worked.
The ability to initiate any activity will disappear, which will seem like laziness. A familiar environment helps them because seeing familiar things provides cues for them. Remember that they lose their most recent memories first: If she's are in a fairly new environment now (maybe moved in with you sometime in the past year or two), without a working short term memory, everything will look new to her all the time--she will look for cues for what to do, or might retreat (possibly to her room) if she gets overwhelmed, but probably won't tell you why. Keep in mind it might be because she doesn't recognize your kitchen/home/etc., or she no longer knows what to do. (This disease sucks.)
Here's some additional things that helped me:
An in depth list of the stage behaviors here
https://tamcummings.com/stages-of-dementia/
(there's a more in-depth checklist you can access-look at the bottom of the page)

Some good videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coiZbpyvTNg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cZTgG6kDjs https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nw3YUDQJuY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilickabmjww
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqmqC-702Yg

Something else, without being grim--take pictures & videos now, get your mom to talk about her family memories, chart out any family trees, see if she can still label old photos with who and where. etc.

Does your mom live with you?

My mom with mild/moderate dementia just can't figure out what to do most of the time. She's had 2 coffee cups and some spoons sitting in her kitchen sink in her kitchenette in her assisted living apartment for well over a week now. I mentioned it to her yesterday. I'm sure they'll still be there when I go back. She says things like "I don't know what I should be doing". So even simple things are complicated by the lack of being able to self start. Maybe you can get your mom to do some things by asking her to do them when you are with her. You can be assertive with not serving her either. If she can get what she needs, then she should.

For example it it's dinner time, tell her that it's time to come to the table and have dinner. If she wants you to bring it to her, say no, please come to the table.

If you want her to wash dishes, say "mom please come to the kitchen with me". Once you get there, tell her it'd be a help if she washed the dishes. If it were me, I wouldn't trust my mom washing my dishes. She has no concept of hygiene anymore and would not be trusted to do a good job, to use soap and hot water, to rinse them well, etc.

Dementia is such a horrible disease.

Maybe she can’t remember how to do chores. Maybe when you ask her to get the broom and sweep the floor, she no longer knows where to begin. Whatever the reason for her lack of helping, it’s clear that you can’t expect it from her. Realize that and figure out what to do next. Most likely it won’t involve staying with you until the end. You’re overworked now and it will get much much worse. Much.

What sorts of chores do you expect your mother to do with moderate dementia going on?? By this time in the disease process, many elders are incontinent, refusing to bathe, yelling obscenities at loved ones, arguing everything that's said to them, wandering away at night and/or staying up all night carrying on, and generally impossible to deal with. If you feel burdened now, you are going to feel INTENSELY burdened as her disease progresses and she requires 24/7 care from you, unfortunately. That's the nature of the beast.

Dementia and/or dementia-like behavior is extremely difficult & frustrating to deal with, that's for CERTAIN! It's important for you to realize that mom is now limited in what she's capable of doing & is not intentionally 'lazy' or trying to be unhelpful.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet which has the best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2


Here is a list of useful tips from her e-book I found to be excellent:

The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience

The Do's
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment

You may want to look into Memory Care Assisted Living for her, or Skilled Nursing with Medicaid if she has no funds to self pay. Dementia is A LOT for anyone to deal with, especially with two small children to care for as well.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

I’m sure that it’s very difficult to care for two small children and your mother too. Do you have any outside help?

Are you planning on continuing to care for her? Have you considered placement in a facility?

Your profile says that your mom has Alzheimer’s disease. I’m sure that you know that her disease is going to continue to progress and caring for her will become more challenging for you.

Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area?

Wishing you and your family well.