Can someone with mild/moderate dementia use their memory loss to manipulate?

I get frustrated because my mom can remember that she wants to repeat what you said, and who she wants to repeat it to, but will conveniently FORGET that you were speaking to her in confidence. So, someone answer me? How can she remember what I said, who she wanted to tell, remember to use her phone, reach the person she wanted to tell it to, tell it perfectly.... and when she gets caught, she says, "I have dementia, I forgot." Whenever she doesn't want to talk about something, it's always, "I have dementia, I don't remember or I don't want to talk about that." I cry B.S.. I think she has it when it's convenient. I think she uses it to say EXACTLY what she thinks, and it brings out EXACTLY who she REALLY IS! She's always emotionally, psychologically and mentally abused me, passively aggressively; this whole dementia thing, has just given her a pass to be as nasty as she wants, without filter.

My grandma has dementia and has done the repeating thing a lot. She seems to get a thought in her head and forgets she has verbalized it and forgets I answered it. It starts with the bathroom with the helper as she claims she already went. Sure she went with me at 7 and by 8:30 she should be feeling she has to go especially after two glasses of water and oatmeal but she always says she already went. Now you give her about 5 minutes after you ask and she suddenly has to go. Doesn't bother me unless it's 3 am and she doesn't want to go and she always waits until I'm back in bed to go but this hasn't been much of a problem lately as she sleeps through the night going to the bathroom for the first time when she wakes up. I guess I got lucky in that stage ending.

She also does this a lot when sundowning and she thinks she has to go home. She will say, "Are you going somewhere? Are you taking me home?" I'll explain we are home. She'll laugh and say people tell her that all the time and she forgets. Then two minutes later she'll repeat, "Are you going somewhere? Are you taking me home?" I'll repeat my explanation and she'll either say she forgot or say, "Since when?" Or she'll think she needs a key to go across the street, "Do you have my key?" I ask, "What key?" She shrugs then asks, "The key to my house. Do you think it's locked?" I remind her she's home and doesn't need a key as I have already unlocked the door and then locked it to let her in earlier. She shrugs again and you can tell she's going to repeat it. Sure enough a few minutes later she's looking around, "I can't find my key. Do you have my key?" and so it goes.

Then at bed time it's always about the locks and windows. "Look that door is open! We should go close it." I remind her that's the bathroom door and I leave it open so we can find it in the middle of the night when she has to use it. She frowns then looks around trying to see out closed windows with curtains and trying to see the wall where the door used to be (we are building a fireplace where the old door used to be. We have only lived here a bit over a year so it's impressive she remembered the door being there). "That door is open." I will remind her, "Grandma there is no door it's only a wall." She will frown, "We should close it." obviously not being able to understand my words. Then she'll start back on the bathroom door until I finally get her quieted down as one of the times I repeat it sinks in.

I used to try to reword things, change the wording thinking something I was saying would sink in. I still do that thinking I'm just not saying the right words. Sometimes it works when I change it up as I think it stops the mind process from repeating but I have noticed that only works if we have already repeated it a few times. It seems to break the already in place cycle if I change it up a bit. Other times it doesn't matter how I change it, how often I repeat it or she does, the cycle continues.

Hang in there. It's not easy but it's not their fault. No one asks to have dementia so all we can do is love them anyway.

Welcome to the forum, juidah. Did reading the responses to this question help you? What additional specific questions to you have for us?

Has your friend's mother been diagnosed with dementia by a medical professional? How long ago? Are you a caregiver for this woman, or mostly in contact with her when visiting your friend?

People with dementia have damage to their brain. Different kinds of dementia have different kinds of damage. Vascular dementia has different damage than Alzheimer's, for example. But in all cases the damage is outside of their control. The damage is definitely not limited to memory loss.

hello there I myself do experience this with my friend mother.. its good to chech his medical assestment but its tricky because of this so much pressure because we do not know if this is not real that hes having it...

My mom would ask the question hundreds if not thousands of times. It drove me crazy.

Elfiekins123 it is called show-timing. Look it up. For brief periods the person with dementia can pull it together and present a "normal" front, usually for medical staff or visitors. My sisters had a hard time understanding what I said about my husband's dementia because he never had episodes when they were around.

Showtiming takes a great deal of effort and the person is usually very tired afterwards. Gradually the person can do it less and less and eventually cannot do it at all.

If your mother is manipulating anyone it is the medical staff, with her showtiming efforts. With you she is relaxing her efforts and her dementia is very apparent.

Who know why your mother denies you as her daughter? Perhaps she is remembering you as a child, and thinks you are an imposter. That must be very frightening for her, don't you think?

Perhaps you can go along a little. "Well, Jane, we are living together now so let's try to get along well. I am the very nice woman who is sharing my house with you, and I'll look after your needs as well as I can. I'll look after you as if you were my mother."

I hope you can give up the notion that your mother is doing this to manipulate you. She is a very confused person with dementia. She needs all the support and comfort she can get.

My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's six years ago. She lives with me. I am widowed so it is just us. But I am wondering if she could be manipulating me. she is constantly telling me that i am not her child and that my biological father was not my father and that she did not give birth to me. so it seems that the disease is progressing. However when she is at doctors office or with home care nurse she is as aware of all facets of our lives. She is able to answer all the standard questions such as day, year, state of residence, and does not deny my birth history. She can even spell some words backwards if asked to do so. Her behavior is very confusing to me. What could the reason for being completely mindful when with a health care professional but be completely confused when we are alone?

From what I have experienced, and in my opinion, I think it is totally possible. My moms symptoms can be so bad, but then she can pull it together at times. If she is aware ahead of time, that company is coming, she can sit and appear ok.

I have had her tell me that she was going to "work" my sister for some information. I became leery and untrusting of her from that moment on.

I have a dad who is 73 and does this. It is possible but also not really. I have a dad who I thought had early signs of dementia probably do but what he has done also raises my suspicion as well. My dad knows who he can talk to and who he should avoid. He one day trashed my sisters room and then came to ask me was she ok then denied he did it when I asked if he did it. He didn't want her to stay at his home. He one day he said that he needed help in an old man type of voice and when i said dad i cant help with that specific thing he said clearing his voice now ok heres the thing i need help because so and so ...I was completely floored by this and it makes me upset that he behaves this way. He uses he cant remember all the time. I cant stand when ppl say they think no one should think a senior is playing. Its a reality a sad one but it exists. It has been a really hard time trying to help my dad and I have seen alot and I have seen when he needs help the difference. The best you could do with this is to meet them where they are at and answer the best way you can and not get to upset or caught in the mix because it can drive you crazy. I have tried to find something on this as well the best results but its like an unspoken thing. Everyone wants to avoid this type of reality. It exists its not ok but what can a person do they are a senior.

Leolady, it's been a dilemma for me, too, for quite a while. Nevertheless, I don't think older people should be left to their own devices, even if they get help (from strangers, no less). Some of my friends, just as you, tell me not to move. But I feel that I must. It's not easy, of course, but many other worthwhile things aren't either.

I'd be wary of moving there, when you say it will affect your well-being. There are 'visiting angel' services that can check on them, in most any city, and in our town it's practically the only jobs available since 90% of the population is old or has mental health problems. Surely, all their families didn't uproot themselves to check in on them, and the ones that did I know that don't get support are super burned out or at wits end. Even the state can offer these services.

All the posts are very helpful, thank you. I think both of my parents now have dementia, although they don't have an official diagnosis (as far as I know). They manifest all the patterns described above - repeating questions, overestimating their abilities. The biggest problem is that they refuse help, even if I don't offer anything major - just to run errands, for example. My Dad especially, he gets very angry at times, whenever help is offered, or any suggestions to change anything are made. I live in another state. I am planning on moving to be close to them, but I am at my wits' end as to how to handle this situation in the future. I don't know what the best living situation would be, and living in their house would be disastrous for my well-being, I am pretty sure of that. Besides, they only have one small extra room. They have always been controlling, but now the desire to control has become close to OCD. If anyone can advice who or what entity would be of help here, I'd greatly appreciate that. I should mention that my mom flatly refuses to consider assisted living facility, even at the independent living level, and I myself don't feel good about placing either one of them in someone else's care - at least not at this point.

Thanks Jeannegibbs. We aren't old, only middle age, so geriatric isn't the answer. The reason I have been patient; and I am not a patient person, is he was claiming it was actual medical problem of memory loss. No one that knows us would think he is like this, so to get support in a small town is hard; he just does this with me, or with friends, because he thinks it's cute. I finally confided in one friend that doesn't know us as a couple [we have only been married less than a year] about the violent outbursts and the constant questions...I went to her house last night with friends and got the silly questions from him like 'where does everyone sit? Does she have furniture?...How does one answer that, and I have explained the house a dozen times anyway, but I feel like answering 'no. it s barn and we sit on bails of hay'. I can't ever just tell about my day, have a conversation, because he cuts me off mid stream and inserts questions. He gets mad if I don't play, but at a point I stop answering the inane questions, in which he will either get really mad, or stop the line of questioning. I read that is a deflecting mechanism, and told him I saw thru it, and he stopped, for a while. Then he claimed it was medical, but when something actually happens at work, and he can work and remember just fine, he is lucid and can have a conversation. My friend said I should put on a silly hat when I don't want to be bothered with a barrage [I mean, I counted once 5 questions in the 5 steps i took, first thing in the morning]. It's like having an infant; I can't work or do school, because even if I am mid homework or project, he finds the need to interrupt with the questions. I am dreading seeing his childhood friend next week, who is pedantic and pretentious, so my husband goes into orbit of uber amiable baby that makes schecky jokes, so that's why I am getting the impression it isn't memory loss, it is attention getting that he has been doing all along. He said the other day he recalls his dad, a former brilliant attorney, doing the same thing and arguing with clients when he had indeed not represented them, and lost everything when my husband was still being passed from relative to relative as a child, so my hunch is it is learned behaviour. Why I stay is I have had little time, so I met a guy who was sweet and amiable, really ignorant on life, and I educated him, and now I have a giant baby that was taught to ask things like if there is furniture [some people think any question is clever; they are not], and the name of my friend who I went with, whom he knows personally [I tried to get him in Zumba to help memory, along with music activites]. I think he thinks it's cute, but what all it is rather is manipulation. Just like I keep asking him to do basic things; like scrape the dish and put it in the sink. Instead he hides them or jams sink, so that's like a naughty toddler and takes mean mommy all day long to fix what he has done, and he gets violent angry after I have asked him to change a simple task, which a 2 year old would throw a tantrum.

I dont think this is done deliberately. the only manipulation i see with mum is calling me a liar when nurses and carers ask her questions and "showtiming" she knows shes putting on an act in front of people because she told me she was? also lied to shrink on purpose and admitted to this.
bottom line is dont let any of the stuff get to you as its the illness you cannot reason with them OR wreck your head with wonder about thier behaviour i just let it all go over my head as it all made me ill with the stress.

LeoLady, if your husband is behaving this way to get attention, I don't understand why you stay with him.

It is a fact, however, that in dementia memory loss is not consistent and it can be amazing what can be remembered. Forgetting an answer he received 90 seconds ago is not uncommon in some kinds of dementia. I had a lovely aunt who could not remember what she said in the beginning of her sentence by the time she got to the end. Behavioral problems can also be part of some kinds of dementia.

If you think you he is forgetting names deliberately and repeating questions just to annoy you, you two need a marriage counselor, or you need a lawyer.

I suspect this really is dementia or some other cognitive impairment. In that case he needs to see a behavioral neurologist and/or a geriatric psychiatrist. There may be some other treatments that will help, and it will definitely help your relationship if you understand what is going on.

Good luck to you, LeoLady.

I totally get where the 1st question is coming from; and the subject is acting like one has dementia to manipulate, not folks that actually have it. My husband does this, and he claims it is memory loss, and I looked up the barrage of questions he asks [I counted, one day 25 in less than 10 minutes] as a way to deflect attention off them to someone else. It is exhausting for me. A friend pointed out that, he wouldn't be able to work, remember every transaction down to the penny and time, and yet cannot remember what I said 2 minutes ago, people's name so I have to re-introduce them a 100 times, can't remember where we are going, and all with questions that I have to drop everything, and most are rhetorical. I thought it was memory loss, but more and more, since he becomes violent and pouts if he doesn't get his way, I see it as attention seeking that he didn't get as a child. Now I am mean mommy, because I hate repeating myself, hate questions, so the fact I am trying to help him 100 times and I sense, he just wants his way so I give in, or I am a nag. Both our father's did die of Dementia, so I don't think this behaviour is cute. We did treat it as memory loss with testosterone, but then he just became violent. Talk about memory loss; I see comments of someone not remembering something a few hours or days before...this is moments, and I am so exhausted repeating and repeating and repeating everything over and over and over again.

I have my neighbor who just turned 92. I have known and cared for him the past 10 years now. I have seen him and experienced this behavior and I sometimes get so frustrated... He does get around great for 92, lives alone and pretty much demands his way and that's it, of course he was pretty much a boss or foreman at most jobs such as mining, constructions, cowboy at the JA ranch of TX. His two daughters used to make a point to at least be here once a year for his birthday and would not hear a word about behavior issues or any type of issues. This past year has been the worse, he recovered from broken hip, (but denying his own limitations) his drivers license expired, we (I go to assist, just in case)went to renew, and failed eye test. Went for new prescription, but refused a required dr. exam to sign a release form stating he was physically able to continue driving at this point, 6 months and two more eyeglass scripts later,(accusing the eye dr. of ripping him off and not knowing what he's doing) and yet still wanting more eye glasses. He will tell me, again (and he is deaf in one ear and hearing aid in the other) "I cant see, I cant hear, I'm crippled, I'm a hundred years old" this always comes up when he wants things done for him that he doesn't want to do for himself or deliberately making messes and it feels more like a control issue just to see how much he can get out of you. If your saying something that he does not want to accept or hear then out pops the "I'm deaf, I cant understand you, at the top of his lungs", knowing full well that we can hear, and at times I have seen him tune in to low key conversations and later discuss or ask about such and such and I'm thinking, (hmm, cant hear huh?) There have been times he will get out and start fiddling around with things like trying to crank an old lawn mower and instead of admitting he had not the strength to turn it over would declare the engine no good, I would go start it to show its ok it still runs, and then justify himself in blowing up at me and accusing me of trying to make him look weak and stupid.I have not seen him like this with other people that on occasion visit or interact with him, in fact, a pretty impressive, stable and coherent visit when it does happen for him. Other times If he cant find something right away, instead of considering the fact he might have misplaced something, he goes right in to accusing me or someone of stealing, or like when we found out he didn't pay his auto insurance and had a suspended reg. (he manages his own financials, and none of your business he would say.) and in pointing out the fact as to why he cant be driving all over town like this, (no ins, no tags, cant hear, cant see, and so on) claimed his cards were stolen. That is when I really saw him use his age and disabilities to his advantage, I would see him play dumb to the facts and go drive anyway putting a triple AAA sticker on the bumper and saying that he put a new tag sticker, and state id for ins. card. most of the time. I used to check on him and tend to chores every day. It has been over two weeks now since I have been back over to do anything for him. It is overwhelming, hurtful and heartbreaking and most of all, confusing! Regardless if the behaviors are game playing, manipulative or real, I suppose it is not a chance to take on an elders life, appreciate the times that are nice and the courage and strength to examine our own hearts and motives that we may show proof that we truly are caregivers... Thanks for this opportunity of sharing, may we all stand strong together caring for each other, for loved ones and for our elderly during the final storms and remember, as one of my favorite Aunts would say to me in difficult times, "this to shall pass"... Oh yes, this has helped me to decide to go back and check on him and at least I guess see if he wants me to do anything for him... (btw, I am 54yrs) Thanks so much!

I have my neighbor who just turned 92. I have known and cared for him the past 10 years now. I have seen him and experienced this behavior and I sometimes get so frustrated... He does get around great for 92, lives alone and pretty much demands his way and that's it, of course he was pretty much a boss or foreman at most jobs such as mining, constructions, cowboy at the JA ranch of TX. His two daughters used to make a point to at least be here once a year for his birthday and would not hear a word about behavior issues or any type of issues. This past year has been the worse, he recovered from broken hip, (but denying his own limitations) his drivers license expired, we (I go to assist, just in case)went to renew, and failed eye test. Went for new prescription, but refused a required dr. exam to sign a release form stating he was physically able to continue driving at this point, 6 months and two more eyeglass scripts later,(accusing the eye dr. of ripping him off and not knowing what he's doing) and yet still wanting more eye glasses. He will tell me, again (and he is deaf in one ear and hearing aid in the other) "I cant see, I cant hear, I'm crippled, I'm a hundred years old" this always comes up when he wants things done for him that he doesn't want to do for himself or deliberately making messes and it feels more like a control issue just to see how much he can get out of you. If your saying something that he does not want to accept or hear then out pops the "I'm deaf, I cant understand you, at the top of his lungs", knowing full well that we can hear, and at times I have seen him tune in to low key conversations and later discuss or ask about such and such and I'm thinking, (hmm, cant hear huh?) There have been times he will get out and start fiddling around with things like trying to crank an old lawn mower and instead of admitting he had not the strength to turn it over would declare the engine no good, I would go start it to show its ok it still runs, and then justify himself in blowing up at me and accusing me of trying to make him look weak and stupid.I have not seen him like this with other people that on occasion visit or interact with him, in fact, a pretty impressive, stable and coherent visit when it does happen for him. Other times If he cant find something right away, instead of considering the fact he might have misplaced something, he goes right in to accusing me or someone of stealing, or like when we found out he didn't pay his auto insurance and had a suspended reg. (he manages his own financials, and none of your business he would say.) and in pointing out the fact as to why he cant be driving all over town like this, (no ins, no tags, cant hear, cant see, and so on) claimed his cards were stolen. That is when I really saw him use his age and disabilities to his advantage, I would see him play dumb to the facts and go drive anyway putting a triple AAA sticker on the bumper and saying that he put a new tag sticker, and state id for ins. card. most of the time. I used to check on him and tend to chores every day. It has been over two weeks now since I have been back over to do anything for him. It is overwhelming, hurtful and heartbreaking and most of all, confusing! Regardless if the behaviors are game playing, manipulative or real, I suppose it is not a chance to take on an elders life, appreciate the times that are nice and the courage and strength to examine our own hearts and motives that we may show proof that we truly are caregivers... Thanks for this opportunity of sharing, may we all stand strong together caring for each other, for loved ones and for our elderly during the final storms and remember, as one of my favorite Aunts would say to me in difficult times, "this to shall pass"...

i like jeanes reply. with dementia the circumstances are going to steadily change and not for the better. your own methods will have to be evaluated and modified . i find that shifting the subject can sometimes be used to your advantage. short term memory loss can work in your favor at times.. a dementia patient is going to obssess on something, sometimes you just leave them on the least harmful obssession for the moment.. i think i just said two different things. trying to rationalize irrational thinking will do that to you. lol

My Mom has been tested by way of blood work cat scan of her brain and a verbal test.....because...she insist she has Alzheimer's. All test were conclusive ..she does not have anything wrong, infact, the doc said she was very very bright! Last month she had breast cancer and hadn't even seen the doc...after mamogram and ultra sound...nothing..so that's when she came up with Alzheimer's. She crys and crys. No one can convince her. What can I do. Please help

I've noticed by mother is somewhat like a two year old. She carries on but if someone strange comes into the room she shuts up. Likewise, when her husband leaves she settles down and goes to sleep. As soon as he comes home, she's back at it again. She just seems to think we will put up with everything when she's alone with us. Yesterday I wouldn't sit with her while she was talking loud and calling me names. It took a half hour but she soon settled down. I think it's control for her since she has no other way to have it.
She's bedridden and can do very little for herself. She would have us do everything but I will not do things she is able to do. She says she can't but we know she can get her own drink off the table, feed herself, etc. Someone is alwways there to help but I refuse to wait on her for the few things she can do. I just feel like she should do the few things she is capable of doing. I'm happy to help as long as she is trying.

P.S. For Mary -- I know a little bit about what you are going through -- my mother was like yours from day one and the Altzheimer's (being told she has Altzheimer's) made it even worse. She uses it to her advantage. I've been through the bathroom thing and she likes doing in public even exagerates a limp for arthritis in the knee-- if she doesn't think she is on video, she walks just fine and knows where the bathroom is and doesn't need to use it...etc. Narcisstic, manipulative and uses emotional black-mail to pit siblings against each other. Oh what would I do without you?? -- one minute-- what does she do for me?! when they are out of earshot. Emotional abuse has been ongoing, I try to stay objective, don't beat myself up too much when she goads me into an argument and do things for me so I can help financially down the road -- she will need paid assistants who will be PATIENT and objective. It will be a job for them -- I suggest that to you and then the visits will be tolerable, if not hopefully more happy. Life is short. You deserve to be happy too and by doing the "right" thing (get your brothers' help) , you will be more free to be do more for yourself! :)

One of my collegues who is an RN, a director of Quality Assurance at a physicians' group and an expert in her field, informed me that there were many cases where an individual 'faked' the extent of their dementia in order to manipulate their way -- for example, there was a case of an elderly man who continuously prentended to be lost in front of his own house so he could stop cars and just get the drivers to take him for rides all over town. He knew where he was when he wasn't doing this and always miraculously recognized his house after the jaunt. I wouldn't recommend telling a dementia patient like this that they are on a video or being watched, because the child in them will make it a game -- "wait, who are you? oh, is this April?" But, the levels of Altheimer's in my mother's case is sad and thankfully only the very beginning of a potential diagnosis. I think it is important to get 2nd and 3rd opinions before the physician 'arbitrarily' puts a patient on Altzheimer's or dementia medications. I would research getting a PET scan just for information and getting a baseline photo of the brain for neurologists to discuss (staging of the condition). Each patient is unique and has potential variables to consider, such as alcohol consumption which exacerbates symptoms of dementia. Good nutrition, exercise and a loving, fun, productive environment goes a long way too.

thank you so much for all your support....I know at some point that decision will have to be made because a mother an daughter can get very complicated, even more so with a dementing illness....Thank you

Mary~I totally understand your frustration and concern. As I stated in my other post, my mother has Alzheimer's. She also has paranoid personality disorder which has torn my family apart with the abuse,etc. My mother has always been manipulative, verbally abusive,combative, and always a victim. You said your mother has had electroshock therapy which suggests mental illness to me. I agree that it is best for your mother and for your mental health that she live elsewhere. That does not mean you will not visit her, advocate in her behalf for her health...but it does mean that your mental health will not be a risk of depression and unnecessary guilt and chaos. You must do what is best for both of you and if that means placing her in a NH or assisted living, then do it.

She needs to be living away from you and that would be best for the both of you. :-)

But don't take my word for it. Get some professional input. See a therapist. Call in a social worker. Talk to her doctors. Listen to your brothers. And remember that it isn't only what is best for Mom that counts ... you deserve what is best for you, too.

Thank you, jeannegibbs, for your quick response...unfortunately when you have been programmed to take care your elderly...thats what you do....I'm reaching a point where I cannot support her and her behaviors anymore, simply because she does it to me and no one else, I'm alittle slow in understanding these things because I'm always in the mood of helping....I believe I need to hear it from others that the decision should be that she needs to be living away from me which would be best for the both of us...

tracy~My father passed away due to Alzheimer's and my mother now has it. Unless he has had a history of being manipulative I doubt he is doing anything purposely. Let me explain: with dementia the person will have trouble recalling words, events,etc. so if they are talking with someone who gives them a word that sounds like it works they will accept it. As long as they feel you are not criticizing them they will go along with the conversation. It serves no purpose to tell them they have events or words wrong because does embarrass them so why do that to them when they already know they have trouble recalling information. The reason he repeats when others disagree because it has confused him. I suggest you not disagree (others as well), because the more he can communicate the better for him. You all already know he has the situation confused so there really is no point in letting him know that because it won't change what he remembers. Instead encourage him to talk and agree with him because it is important at this stage that he feels validated and he gets to retain his dignity. My mother repeats herself all the time, she thinks I am my sister when I call her on the phone, and I have noticed that if I tell her too many times I am not my sister, she ends the conversation. So you see correcting her is not in her best interest because I want her to communicate as it lets me know what is going on with her and whether I need to act in her behalf. Recently my mother has been telling me her toe is black. I asked her if she bumped it or if something dropped on it. She said no. I went over to her house to see it first hand...looks to me like a toenail fungus that has spread to the outside of the nail. The point is people with dementia/Alzheimer's describe things the best they can because of their inability to say the right words. Be patient and caring with this relative. The sad thing is we lose them twice...once to the dementia/alzheimers...and again with passing. My heart goes out to you and your family♥

Mary914, you claim that you know what is best for your mother, but it sure doesn't sound like you know what is best for you.

I would never, ever, recommend or condone "putting her away." That sounds lke something you do for a terminally injured animal. But finding a suitable care facility and continuing to care for her there, advocating, visiting, and being certain she is getting the best possible care is a very viable option in my opinion.

Whether you keep her home or find another residence for her, it is clear that how you are interacting with her now is not working for you. You are certain that she is manipulating you and yet you continue to allow yourself to be manipulated. What's with that? Well, lifetime patterns of behavior are hard to change, I suppose. If you want to change and break out of the pattern, I suggest you get some professional help and support. You are definitely right that this is not easy for you. You deserve help.

If you were my sister, I would be giving you the same advice your brothers are giving you, worded a little differently, perhaps.

My situation is that I feel like I'm demented because my mom has driven me to that point. Let me start by saying that it has only been me and my mom since my father passed 30 plus yrs ago.....My mom has a very very strong personality, it borders abuse growing up with my three older brothers, who actually take no role in helping me with mom, and they feel that I should put her away....I have brought my mom to every type of dr. from holistic to accup. i have her on many suppliments to help stimulate and bring blood flow to her brain...Her last ct scan 6/12 showed mild ischemic disease...basically there are/is leisons in the brain....I've been on this journey with my mom since 2008.
It started as severe depression, which she had 50yrs ago when she lost a baby and had to have 15 shock treatments....My problem is that my mom has controlled and manipulated me from the day on, I allowed it because it was just her and me....however, if she is not in control of things, she can make your life a living hell...she has an extremely difficult personality to begin with...the dr. recommended to me that she needs shock treatment again....she's 83yrs and I said no.....Ironically I work in a nursing facility in recreational therapy, but work mainly with profoundly retarded children, and I also see and know some of what dementia/alzhs and full blown Alzheimers look like...and I'm not 100% convinced as to whats my moms problem, yes there is memory problems, yes there is the constant repeating of question...only one mainly and thats, wheres the bathroom....everything in my house is labled, she is as sharp as a tack and doesnt miss a beat....I feel that my mom has a mental illnes because she is absolutely manipulating me and to some degree a narcissus...for example: when im with her she will literally get up 10 times in an hour to go to the bathroom, and ask every single time...Wheres the bathroom? there are others issues but I will focus on this one...One day I had to call one of my brothers to come and watch her while I went to work....at the end of the day I asked my brother...so how many times did she ask you wheres the bathroom? he says, she didnt ask me at all, in fact I asked her if she needed help.
Well I nearly lost my mine, which showed me clearly her level of manipulation and using and abusing me. BECAUSE I DO EVERYTHING FOR HER (control)
and to my brothers the sun raises and sets on them....in her eyes...there are many other situations that I have logged that to me are clearly manipulating behaviors....the things that she does to me but not to others, and she is very nasty if you cross her...to repond back and answer quickly and shut you down...leaves me to beleive that she is acting and manipulating....yes there are memory issues she 83 yrs...If anyone has any ideas or suggestions??? as I said before my brothers take no part and told me to put her away, and live my life, but its my mom and I know whats best for her but she is soooo complicated...its not that easy for me....I've basically been taking care of her my whole life I'm 46yrs and really have no live???? thanks for your help in advanced