I know that this question seems insensitive, however I have observed a pattern in a relative that triggers my suspicion. He has non-Alzheimer's dementia. He still remembers people, places and some recent events, but has short-term memory losses, disorientation to place and time, and behavioral issues. He repeats questions often. The thing is, he seems to repeat questions much more frequently when he disagrees with the answer. I have also noticed that he repeats himself much more around people that give him his way when he persists. In other words, he acts like a spoiled kid in a toy store. Most things I have read about dementia sound like the person goes back in time in memory and that they act out the age of their last memory. Can someone with dementia remember some recent events but then behave like a child? Or, could he be mentally aware enough to intentionally take advantage of his memory loss to get his way?
She also does this a lot when sundowning and she thinks she has to go home. She will say, "Are you going somewhere? Are you taking me home?" I'll explain we are home. She'll laugh and say people tell her that all the time and she forgets. Then two minutes later she'll repeat, "Are you going somewhere? Are you taking me home?" I'll repeat my explanation and she'll either say she forgot or say, "Since when?" Or she'll think she needs a key to go across the street, "Do you have my key?" I ask, "What key?" She shrugs then asks, "The key to my house. Do you think it's locked?" I remind her she's home and doesn't need a key as I have already unlocked the door and then locked it to let her in earlier. She shrugs again and you can tell she's going to repeat it. Sure enough a few minutes later she's looking around, "I can't find my key. Do you have my key?" and so it goes.
Then at bed time it's always about the locks and windows. "Look that door is open! We should go close it." I remind her that's the bathroom door and I leave it open so we can find it in the middle of the night when she has to use it. She frowns then looks around trying to see out closed windows with curtains and trying to see the wall where the door used to be (we are building a fireplace where the old door used to be. We have only lived here a bit over a year so it's impressive she remembered the door being there). "That door is open." I will remind her, "Grandma there is no door it's only a wall." She will frown, "We should close it." obviously not being able to understand my words. Then she'll start back on the bathroom door until I finally get her quieted down as one of the times I repeat it sinks in.
I used to try to reword things, change the wording thinking something I was saying would sink in. I still do that thinking I'm just not saying the right words. Sometimes it works when I change it up as I think it stops the mind process from repeating but I have noticed that only works if we have already repeated it a few times. It seems to break the already in place cycle if I change it up a bit. Other times it doesn't matter how I change it, how often I repeat it or she does, the cycle continues.
Hang in there. It's not easy but it's not their fault. No one asks to have dementia so all we can do is love them anyway.
Has your friend's mother been diagnosed with dementia by a medical professional? How long ago? Are you a caregiver for this woman, or mostly in contact with her when visiting your friend?
People with dementia have damage to their brain. Different kinds of dementia have different kinds of damage. Vascular dementia has different damage than Alzheimer's, for example. But in all cases the damage is outside of their control. The damage is definitely not limited to memory loss.
Showtiming takes a great deal of effort and the person is usually very tired afterwards. Gradually the person can do it less and less and eventually cannot do it at all.
If your mother is manipulating anyone it is the medical staff, with her showtiming efforts. With you she is relaxing her efforts and her dementia is very apparent.
Who know why your mother denies you as her daughter? Perhaps she is remembering you as a child, and thinks you are an imposter. That must be very frightening for her, don't you think?
Perhaps you can go along a little. "Well, Jane, we are living together now so let's try to get along well. I am the very nice woman who is sharing my house with you, and I'll look after your needs as well as I can. I'll look after you as if you were my mother."
I hope you can give up the notion that your mother is doing this to manipulate you. She is a very confused person with dementia. She needs all the support and comfort she can get.
I have had her tell me that she was going to "work" my sister for some information. I became leery and untrusting of her from that moment on.
bottom line is dont let any of the stuff get to you as its the illness you cannot reason with them OR wreck your head with wonder about thier behaviour i just let it all go over my head as it all made me ill with the stress.
It is a fact, however, that in dementia memory loss is not consistent and it can be amazing what can be remembered. Forgetting an answer he received 90 seconds ago is not uncommon in some kinds of dementia. I had a lovely aunt who could not remember what she said in the beginning of her sentence by the time she got to the end. Behavioral problems can also be part of some kinds of dementia.
If you think you he is forgetting names deliberately and repeating questions just to annoy you, you two need a marriage counselor, or you need a lawyer.
I suspect this really is dementia or some other cognitive impairment. In that case he needs to see a behavioral neurologist and/or a geriatric psychiatrist. There may be some other treatments that will help, and it will definitely help your relationship if you understand what is going on.
Good luck to you, LeoLady.
She's bedridden and can do very little for herself. She would have us do everything but I will not do things she is able to do. She says she can't but we know she can get her own drink off the table, feed herself, etc. Someone is alwways there to help but I refuse to wait on her for the few things she can do. I just feel like she should do the few things she is capable of doing. I'm happy to help as long as she is trying.
But don't take my word for it. Get some professional input. See a therapist. Call in a social worker. Talk to her doctors. Listen to your brothers. And remember that it isn't only what is best for Mom that counts ... you deserve what is best for you, too.
I would never, ever, recommend or condone "putting her away." That sounds lke something you do for a terminally injured animal. But finding a suitable care facility and continuing to care for her there, advocating, visiting, and being certain she is getting the best possible care is a very viable option in my opinion.
Whether you keep her home or find another residence for her, it is clear that how you are interacting with her now is not working for you. You are certain that she is manipulating you and yet you continue to allow yourself to be manipulated. What's with that? Well, lifetime patterns of behavior are hard to change, I suppose. If you want to change and break out of the pattern, I suggest you get some professional help and support. You are definitely right that this is not easy for you. You deserve help.
If you were my sister, I would be giving you the same advice your brothers are giving you, worded a little differently, perhaps.
It started as severe depression, which she had 50yrs ago when she lost a baby and had to have 15 shock treatments....My problem is that my mom has controlled and manipulated me from the day on, I allowed it because it was just her and me....however, if she is not in control of things, she can make your life a living hell...she has an extremely difficult personality to begin with...the dr. recommended to me that she needs shock treatment again....she's 83yrs and I said no.....Ironically I work in a nursing facility in recreational therapy, but work mainly with profoundly retarded children, and I also see and know some of what dementia/alzhs and full blown Alzheimers look like...and I'm not 100% convinced as to whats my moms problem, yes there is memory problems, yes there is the constant repeating of question...only one mainly and thats, wheres the bathroom....everything in my house is labled, she is as sharp as a tack and doesnt miss a beat....I feel that my mom has a mental illnes because she is absolutely manipulating me and to some degree a narcissus...for example: when im with her she will literally get up 10 times in an hour to go to the bathroom, and ask every single time...Wheres the bathroom? there are others issues but I will focus on this one...One day I had to call one of my brothers to come and watch her while I went to work....at the end of the day I asked my brother...so how many times did she ask you wheres the bathroom? he says, she didnt ask me at all, in fact I asked her if she needed help.
Well I nearly lost my mine, which showed me clearly her level of manipulation and using and abusing me. BECAUSE I DO EVERYTHING FOR HER (control)
and to my brothers the sun raises and sets on them....in her eyes...there are many other situations that I have logged that to me are clearly manipulating behaviors....the things that she does to me but not to others, and she is very nasty if you cross her...to repond back and answer quickly and shut you down...leaves me to beleive that she is acting and manipulating....yes there are memory issues she 83 yrs...If anyone has any ideas or suggestions??? as I said before my brothers take no part and told me to put her away, and live my life, but its my mom and I know whats best for her but she is soooo complicated...its not that easy for me....I've basically been taking care of her my whole life I'm 46yrs and really have no live???? thanks for your help in advanced