My 92 year old narcissistic ( lifelong) mother refuses to believe she has age related dementia and memory loss. i have posted on here frequently in the past due to her emotionally abusive behavior toward me . I have successfully established Shipt delivery of her groceries so I only interact with her once or twice a month and immediately curtail the visit when she starts on her delusion of me making her sleep on a 69 year old mattress ( she has bought 2 new ones since moving into her senior apt 5 years ago.) Long story I wont go into, other than to say she feels it is the matresses faults that her back hurts, and not the fact that she has body wide arthritis, refuses to take muscle relaxer pills her Dr suggested , and she sits in her apt all day having a pity party with little to no exercise. I had Adult Protective Services in to see her..as I feared and suspected , because she is still independent in cares, cooking and basic finances, this does not meet the definition of incompetence so I can activate POA ...even though she believes my brother and sister in laws new grandson is their baby, and that her Dr delivered me as a baby ( he is about 20 years younger than me) . i just had surgery yesterday and she is mad as a wet hen and barraging me with calls about this mattress delusion. I have blocked her already on my cell, but hate to block our house phone if she has an emergency, but Im not taking any more calls. I told her not to keep calling me as I am trying to rest and get strength back..she of course doesnt care, because I was " nasty" because I told her she need to accept the reality of her memory loss and early dementia per her Dr and APS worker. She has been presented with receipts for the mattresses and still will not accept reality. I will continue to have her groceries delivered but that is it. She has been reimbursing me so far , but if that stops, her groceries stop. Her Senior Living community director is aware of situation and has been encouraging her to tour assisted living there but she wants no part of it and truly believes she has no limitations. Ive been the sole back up for her and my late dad for close to 20 years now and I just dont have the mental or physical energy to keep dealing with her ..I pray for the day when she passes and puts both of us out of her misery. My Dr attributes all my significant health issues for the past 25 years from the stress of this ...my poor dad , who she beat down emotionally, apologized to me on his death bed that she would try to also tear me down. Trying not to let her. I am 68 with a wonderful husband and family that deserve me to be around.
One line you could consider trying is to say ‘I can’t come to see you until you are being properly cared for’. You fill in the ‘care/ facility’ that seems best. It’s time-out, without being permanent.
Just give that up.
If you break your ankle, it swells & hurts! You can see & feel it.
If tiny cells in the brain break, the brain cannot see & feel it.
Just work at keeping her safe from a distance (as you can).
Then, as Lea says *await the crises*. A crises will force change. Welcome to the club!
There is no magic advice you can get here. Many people are in a situation like yours waiting for a crisis to happen which will get their stubborn parent placed appropriately. Until that happens, protect your own health so you don't die before she does. That happens many times due to the stress these women cause us. Don't be a statistic tygrlly! You've been dealing with this woman for 25 years, and "trying" not to let her tear you down. What are you going to do now to insure that she doesn't? To stop "trying" and make changes to see it happen? Start by taking a nice vacation with your wonderful husband for some well deserved alone time on a beach somewhere. Call a travel agent tomorrow or go online and book something yourself. Take a step to help yourself!
Good luck
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