My father used to beg me to visit him when he was lonely and I was always too busy to spend much time with him. When he got to a point that he really could not live alone, I quit my job and moved in with him. Now he has dementia and doesn't know who I am. I cry everyday because I know I wasted precious time with him and he thought I didn't care about him. But, I foolishly thought there would always be time. I am devoted to him now that it is too late for him to realize that I really do love him. I just want to ask, since this is a Depression Support Group, how do I get over hating myself so that I can enjoy the time he has left.
I'll tell you something about me and my dad. I've told this before so other posters are probably going to groan and scroll through this but I'll tell you. I cared for my dad in my home for years until it got to a point where I couldn't do it anymore and he went into a nursing home. At a point we enlisted hospice services and I spent day after day with my dad but I worked 3 12-hour shifts on the weekends and on Friday I had to go to work. On Saturday after a 12-hour shift I was driving home and I had to drive right past the exit that led to the nursing home. I went back in forth in my mind about whether to stop in and see my dad. I was tired and I had another 12-hour shift in the morning so I decided to go and see him the next night instead. I called the nursing home when I got home to see how he was and I was informed that he had just passed away. Had I stopped in l would have been there when he died. As it was he died alone.
I know myself and I knew that if I didn't resolve this in my mind I would torture myself with it everyday for the rest of my life. I didn't know he was going to die. Yes, he was on hospice but I work in hospice and there were no indications that he was going to die that day or even in the next several days. I was exhausted from my shifts and needed a decent night's sleep so I could be productive the next day. If I had known my dad was going to pass away of course I would have stopped but I didn't know. How could I have known? I made the best decision I could based on what I knew at the time. And most importantly, I knew that my dad would not want me to feel regret or any pain over this. He wouldn't want mem to do that to myself.
Your dad is still with you. Love and cherish him as much as you can. He is still able to respond to affection and comfort, love and respect. Give those things to him and don't let things you did or didn't do in the past influence what time you have left with your dad. And stop beating yourself up. You did the best you could with what information you had. Same as me.
There's a phrase in AA that says, "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." Regrets are dangerous and unhealthy. There's nothing you can do about it now. You don't want to look back on this time of your life and wish you hadn't spent so much time regretting the past. You have to forgive yourself.
My dad had slipped into that place, no longer speaking or aware of who we were. I started talking to him, telling him jokes (his old corny jokes). He turned his head, looked at me and as I told more jokes, his eyes crinkled up and he smiled. For a brief moment in time, he was still in there and he knew I loved him. Your dad probably has a sense of your love, even if it doesn't seem like it.
But hate yourself? You're allowed to do that for 72 hours. Is your time up? Then you need to forgive your former self and move on, wiser.
The point is that you've become aware of the situation and can adapt and adjust going forward. Treat it as an insightful "lessons learned" and compensate with the time he has left.
If you can consider it a learning experience, you can benefit from it in the days, weeks and months ahead. Be glad you recognized it now and not much later.
When you start mentally berating yourself for time lost in the past, force yourself to change your thought pattern and think of how you'll spend the days going forward. Granted, they'll be different, but cherish them and the realization to which you've come.
I know this isn't easy; it hasn't been for me, but I also know how difficult it is when thoughts of what could/should have been done continually to plague someone.
I'll tell you a story about myself and my mom. At the beginning of mom's dementia, she used to call me 10x a day. She was confused, afraid, and just wanted to be re-assured. I love my mom, but I was at work, and the call were inconvenient for me. I was also afraid of losing my job for being on the phone so much. But I never let the call go to voicemail and I never let my mom know I was annoyed. I was kind to her, and patient, though I would get so stressed, knowing the phone was going to keep ringing and ringing and ringing. Now my mom's dementia has progressed. She lives in a nursing home, and not only is she unable to speak coherently, but she has lost her ability to use the phone. How I wish for one of those phone calls now!
So I guess what I'm trying to say is...enjoy to the fullest the blessings you have now. Is your dad willing and able to speak to you, even if he's not sure who you are? Wonderful! find a simple topic and talk and laugh all day! Can dad get around either by walking or in a wheelchair? Excellent! Take him outside and enjoy this beautiful weather! Does he have use of his hands? Great. Hold his hands often as you tell him you love him. Get mildly scented lotion and rub it into his hands gently. Does he have a favorite scent? Smell it together and enjoy. You get over the past by creating and reveling in precious moments now. If he doesn't know you as his daughter, realize it's not because he doesn't want to, or doesn't love you. Realize that he is still a complete human being capable of joy and love and human connection. When you're dealing with dementia, it looks different, and your mind has to adjust, but relationships can be just as rich, just as fulfilling. Avail yourself to that.
So, don't WAIT again. Hug your Dad while he is still alive. Years from now, you will recall every day of your father's final journey. It is your chance to be there for him when he needs you the most.
As that Broadway actor recently said: Love is love is love is love is love......
we all need it while we are alive.
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