Mom is depressed and just lays around all day. What should I do?
Mother is 83 lives alone in a big home. Has a dog. She is very frail,has bad feet,bunions,calluses,corns,etc. She has a deformed right leg(from childhood)which is always bent.She walks hunched over.She has copd.Diabetic.She is extremely hard headed & overdoses on otc meds(sleeping pills,nyquill,etc). She has forever taken xanax also. I told her she is a drug addict. Her whole day consists of laying on the couch or sitting in a rocker. Wont watch tv,wont go out,just complains over & over or sits around bawling all day. When you ask what's wrong now she just lets me have it! I go there every day for 2-3 hours,clean,wash dishes,vacuum,mop,walk the dog,make meals,get the mail,pull weeds,you get the drift. No matter what I do she is always down & depressed says she just wants to die. She uses a walker,wheelchair,cane & anything else for support but just sits all day! I've been to her docs & specialists & they can do so much. I think she needs a psychiatrist. I really do. She's always tired & wont discuss al or health aide cuz she says she cant afford it. She is on medicare & ssi. I dont have any funds to help pay for anybody either. So what should I do? Im in Florida. Should I contact the Counsel on Aging down here(st lucie county). Can they help? I do not live with her. She doesnt drive.She just seems to have given up on life & wants to take me with her. Also when I suggest getting outside help she tells me "why? youre around". Ive been doing this for 8 yrs & Im very burned out! Also I dont drive either! I dont know what to do. It is very rough on me. Oh and I live alone also(which I love). Yesterday I just blew up on her because of her lies. Any suggestions out there?
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Many older people also think there is magic in pills. If something hurts, take a pill. If sugar is too high, take a pill. Feel a bit nervous, take a pill. Unfortunately, many have not learned how behaviors can regulate our chemistry and mood. Does your mother get a good diet? I know she doesn't exercise much, but is there a way to get her to do a few things, e.g. laundry, washing dishes, sweeping? There are many simpler things that will get her moving around a bit and aren't too demanding on the balance and back.
Is there a reason you don't drive? How do you get around? I was thinking that if you were a little less available, your mother might decide she needs to do a bit more for herself. Everyone needs to be productive, so it would be good for her to do things for herself when possible. Doing too much for her seems nice at the moment, but the long-term effect can be just the opposite. Try to get her engaged in doing simple chores.
I don't know if these things will help or just create more frustration. I do think you need to take care of yourself. We caregivers, for some reason, tend to pull in to ourselves. I know I do it and it is a bad thing. We can't become so focused on the lives of our parents that we neglect our own lives. I think it is important that we close the door on our parents sometimes, stop living their lives, and start living our own.
I think that she needs to see a geriatric psychiatrist to deal with the depression and the otc pill abuse. Depression is such a sad and insidious disease. If she could get some effective help for that her situation and yours would be greatly improved.
Getting Mom to the psychiatrist might not be easy. It is hard to help someone who refuses help. Do your best and don't beat yourself up over what you can't control.
The behavior you can control is your own. Take care of yourself. Don't let Mom take you down with her. Look into outside help. Cut back on what you do, whether she accepts help or not. There is a fine line between helping her and enabling her to continue unhealthy behavior.
Best wishes to you as you struggle with this.
Seems our differences are just grating more and more. Mother is very tidy and organized, I am more lick-and-a-promise, which works out as well as you'd think. Sometimes you can't do enough, can't ever do enough. Don;t know what to advise about the medicines, we just started Spiriva this week and already Mother says she doesn't like it, wants to just stay on her little atomizer.
Question: If she were able to go, would a short stay in hospital actually help your mother? If she has real difficulties she might listen to a professional, even if he says the same things you do. Also, you'd get a much needed break in the constant caring and assuring.
Your neighborhood sounds sad, not unlike my own. People tend to keep to themselves and take care of themselves here, tho I've hardly been cordial these last months, staying in with Mother all the time. Do you have any friends, any one in church you can talk to?
Is it Xanax your mother is wanting? Doctors are getting more cautious with prescribing it now. I wish I could think of some magic solution for your mother. The only thing I can think is that I hope you can find a way to help without enabling her behavior. From what you wrote, it sounds like she may actually be better off living in a facility, but I know she won't go for that. You probably won't be able to control what she does, but you can control what you are willing to do for her. The behaviors can really devour your time if you let them.
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