For those who don't know me, my husband and I live with my mom who is 91 and has Alzheimer's and a weak heart. I take medication for depression but it still gets a hold of me. We rarely get out together as my mom can't be alone. My brother and sister live far gives us breaks maybe once or twice a year. Sister doesn't lift a finger. I've been doing this for almost 5 years and making other arrangements is not an option for me. My husband says I'll feel better in the spring. I don't know... Guilt goes along with the depression. If I don't do anything I feel guilty, but I some days don't feel up to doing a thing.

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I deal with my depression everyday. Some days, I don't deal and just let it ride out. I just lay there and hardly move and barely speak. It's hard when you got to do it on your own. I think this whole guilt thing has got GO. None of us in this type of situation need to feel guilty for not wanting to deal with it for a while. As a matter of fact, that is our RIGHT. We deserve to do or NOT do anything for ourselves.

Have you looked into adult day cares in your area? i dang near jump in joy when I put my mom on the bus.. on those days.. not an ounce of guilt to be heard or seen.

Best Wishes
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It always seems to be dumped on one person! Random venting is good I think. I have felt so isolated, and for the first time in my 55 years of living, I have been put on antidepressants after having my 86 y/o dad living with me. He is verbally abusive and has dementia. My half sister and brother will have nothing to do with him. I feel better knowing that I'm not in this alone I guess, but I feel for everyone that is living this mightmare!
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Rosyday, I can so relate. Antidepressants do not work for me and have horrible side effects - and think about what it says that we're supposed to take medications ourselves because caregiving is so hard?

Sometimes I wish I could run away but Mom needs me.
My life is basically over. This is just reality. I'm coming to think that caregivers don't have lives.
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You can add anxiety along with depression for me as well.
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Depression? Oh heck yes. Today I am so depressed I've not been able to do the one little errand I had scheduled. So I totally understand.
Some days I feel like throwing in the towel.
My 90 year old Mother goes out once a week to go shopping-and that is the greatest time for me! Its like all the bad air in the house is gone for awhle and I can play music, walk around wherever I wish, dance, talk to myslef-whatever. This is one thing that doesn't get addressed very often. Emphasis is on the "getting out" part of respite, which is fine, but since most of us are adults, we also mourn the freedom to just "be" in our own homes!
Does anyone agree?
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ERAsDaughter Jan 2019
Ohmygosh yes!! I know this post was 8 years ago so maybe no one will see it... but this is a HUGE problem to me! I just want my own space to live my life in my own way on my own terms... ugh
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I took care of my mother for 17 years before getting her in an Assisted Living place a couple years ago. She was in her home, in a wheelchair with an ostomy. It got harder and harder over the years. One time I was driving to get groceries just outside town. Something snapped in me and I drove 100 miles before I came back to myself and reluctantly returned. No one really knows how it feels, do they?
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All caregivers experience depression at one point or another. How we cope with it is the tricky part. Some people resort to "happy pills" like Prozac or Celexa to mask it; others accept it as part of a war in which all sides lose something. Some, always so free and easy on the advice, seem to be in total control. The fact is that half the time they're playing the Cleopatra Queen of Denial bit complete with teflon attitude, and pretending they're in control of everything and everyone. Some give in and become trapped; others go screaming into the night after the first week. The list goes on and on.

Miz, it sounds to me like you're grieving for a life you used to have before all these sacrifices of caregiving came along. And barely anyone around to help except those whose love for you you believed unconditional.

Every 24 hours or so take some "me time" and rewind the tape of your existence. Have you been happy, even if it's for 5 minutes a day? Is your soul searching deep enough to identify the causes or triggers of your depression? Of course you'll come across individuals handing out their spiel about people, places, and things. What they won't tell you is that those same people, places, and things are actually you.

All us, in time, will need a source of strength other than our own. Dig a little deeper within yourself, and you'll realize the answers you seek have been there all along.
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The depression is a daily, hourly presence. I do take Lorazepam a couple of times a week, but just to sleep better. I am so tempted to drink, but had a problem years ago so am trying very hard to avoid it. But right now a great margarita or a glass of good bubbly sounds amazing. Was on Vicodin for 4-1/2 years for pain but got off of it 8 years ago. I know I have addictive tendencies. I cry a lot, especially at night and I am silent most of the time, quick to anger and tired always. I rarely go out unless it is absolutely necessary -taking husband to Dr. appts, occasional,forays to the grocery store. But honestly, I just don't want to face people. I use Facebook and a few calls to friends to be my social ties. If my husband lives as long as His mother did with this horrible disease, I just hope I can survive it all and have some sort of "afterlife". I never want another man to deal with-ever. I will care for him until I cannot, as he was a good guy and we had a good marriage and he cared for me during my times of need. He has earned loyalty, and he is loved but if the violent behaviors keep happening, I will have to leave him to his kids. I lived in violence and cruelty as a young child and I will not subject myself to that. And yet I do find little gems that bring a smile, if not to my face, to my soul. For now that gets me by.
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Yes, I find myself constantly fighting off depression. There are so many emotions being a caregiver for a L/O including guilt and resentment. People keep telling me find time for yourself. It’s hard especially if your balancing a job and a family.
Sometimes I just want to screen! To make matters worse my L/O resents my so called taking over her life, and feels she can handle herself. Unfortunately 2 doctors, 2 social workers, 1 elder care counselor and family members say otherwise.

So yes, I’m fighting hard to keep me balanced.
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As my 92 yo mom slides back to immobility, I find myself becoming so angry!
She apologizes for asking for a drink of water but that is the least of my problems!
I want her to move around. I want her to get up and go to the bathroom before she’s busting at the seams! I want her to stand up and sit down often enuf that her legs will support her.
She has her mental faculties and no life threatening ailments, but she sits so long she can’t walk to bed.
It’s bad enough that I’m in charge of all repairs with no experience and little money but now I’m wondering why bother? Why worry about the yard? Why should I fix the sprinklers if she doesn’t care enough to take care of herself?
I find myself berating her for killing herself when I want her to be comfortable. Now it seems I’m up all night every night dwelling on her deterioration and staying in my room all day so as not to yell at her.
It’s not helpful to bite my tongue because I’m still angry inside.
She’s had pt often enough she knows she has to use it or lose it but she refuses to do it!
Yes I’m depressed. I hate watching her becoming infirm and feeble just because she’s lazy!
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Val3rie Jul 2018
You are not alone! I have the same issues with both my husband and my MIL.
As well as several ailments, both of them have dementia and both of them have decided they cannot move around at all.
However I know my husband has depression which he says makes him feel as though he is trying to move through 'silly putty'.
The not moving to help themselves may also be the frustrating part of mental issues.
I get angry because my husband says 'he can't' take a shower. But he can get up and ask me what I am cooking for supper or watch Netflix.

I don't think we can make sense of these things.
Very frustrating.
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