Does anyone else deal with depression from being a primary caregiver?

You made a bunch of good points, Crowemagnum. I really like the "Sanctuary/Safe Place" idea. Also, I've heard a little lately, but not enough, about the effects of prolonged grieving. I think it's an important aspect to be aware of considering what we do, and if anyone knows more about the subject I think alot of us could benefit from that knowledge.
In my own situation, I am on the second go round with all this. Mom had a severe TIA three years ago after numerous smaller ones and various cancers, that left her in a state which appeared to be the end. She was unresponsive for months and I eventually decided to put her in a home believing that she was unaware of her circumstances. And so I grieved as is natural and began to go on with restoring my life until, lo and behold, she slowly recuperated to the point that she would cry to come home everytime I spoke with her.
I did take her back home, (thinking that she wanted to be home to die and probably would soon enough) and began round two of the caregiving life. That was three years ago and she has been on a very slow and long decline ever since.
This double whammy has been stressful enough and when you consider the up and down emotions, I believe my natural grieving process has been messed with very badly.
However, I'm in this til the end, And I can't tell you all how much help it is for me just to read all your posts and know I'm not alone.
Thanks.

to avoid depression: go shopping, watch a movie, go to walk, go to the park, go to a support group, talk to a caseworker, work, ask for help maybe having a home attendant at home to take care of the patient will give you time to go to work or to do your things-live your life- never try to become the patient's life yourself-live your live-do thinks for you. go to the beauty parlor, dye your hair-find a good friend to go dinner,dancing, etc.

Every one of us deals with depression I think. I had and unfortunately still have guilt even when I leave the house. Even if I'm sitting in the house relaxing and I'm not engaging my grandmother, I feel guilty and then depressed- just because she might be bored! I went to a therapist for a while and realized that I cannot do this to myself. You have to cut yourself some slack and make some time for you. Easier said than done, right? We will be no help to the ones we care for if we crash and burn. My husband and I are the only ones taking care of my grandmother, no other family or friends as well. Five years is a feet. I hope we all make it that long at my house!

he y friend, how wonderful that you are doing what you are doing. it' is a bitch, no getting around it.

I think back when we were at mom's house, there was no sleep, anxt, way too much alcohol, what a mess. I had to leave. That being said I was able to leave. Love Mom but my relationship with my husband is where my heart it. So friends I struggle with this as well, doing the best we can do, and not caving under the weight. Love to all of you

shelleyanne,

Amen! You are a wise woman!

Absolutely! Caregiver's are significantly more prone to depression than the general population due to what I call, "The Caregiver's Dilemma!" Caregiver's, have a distinct personality that, like wealth, can be earned or inherited. Whether you were born (as in naturally by birth) into your Caregiver Personality or BORNE (as in accepting a burden or role) into it, you have it nonetheless.

Having this personality makes you highly prone to "Cognitive Distortions" which are natural, yet unproductive ways of thinking... some call them "Stinkin' Thinkin'" that can lead you directly into depression.

I would love to speak and write more on this topic but there is not space nor time here and now... feel free to contact me anytiime!

Good days & bad days. Cherish the good days & try & take the bad days with lots of salt.
There are days when I am litterally paralized for fear of what mom has in store for me & waste half the day avoiding the inevitable only to find my fears were unwarranted. This usually follows a day when the old girl takes me be suprise and bursts my caregiver bubble with an M16. Yes there is a pattern here. Try not to fall into the trap.(Just realized this myself!)
God's grace is new every day. Forgive & move on. You do what you can & give the rest to GOD. NO GUILT!!!!!!!! We are humans and humans have limitations. Only God can make it all better. Sometimes we have to get out of the way and let Him do His work.
I know this for a fact from my own personal experience countless times!!! In a situation, in you and in others. Ask God & then step back & let Him do His work!!!! Try not to be too slow on the uptake when He sends help your way or you may miss it. IE: Be receptive and alert when help presents itself. Little things can often make a huge difference.
We all would like better control of the situation but God knows soooooo much better than we. Our dreams & wants can interfere & are often unrealistic for the moment.
I would love to have the perfect end of life relationship with my mom where she loves & is nice to me and I can love & care for her every need. That is way not likely to happen!!! I do what I can & give the rest to GOD! The other alternative is really ugly & I've already been there.

This really is difficult, watching mom fade like this, and she is a pain in the you know what while she fades. Yikes, I want 1962 back again.

The answer is YES many times people will say let me know what I can do to help let them it might be for them to come over for 2 hrs, so you can take a shower or a nap or a walk or bring dinner I am sorry I was too proud or stupid to let others help me out I did tell people to give me a call once ina while but I should have been the one to call-now after the fact I can think of a thousads things others could have done.

I am also depressed and feeling bitterness and resentment towards my entire situation as well as my mom, then at times guilty because I do, but it only gets worse.. My mom is only 61 and yes has limitations since her stroke two years ago,, but she wont even try to do anything for herself or to better herself and I have tried to help in every way possible without success as well I have sacrificed my entire life for the past 2 years to love and help someone who could care less.. She also isn't 100% safe when home alone because of seizures or that she could start a fire because she smokes and is constantly burning carpet and clothes to the point she is allowed to smoke in only one designated area .. My youngest brother began staying with us a year ago and for a minute it seemed to be getting better for all of us but quickly back to the same ole yet now another person is affected..it's the most negative and depressing life ever, even more than losing my 9 year in a fire 14 years ago which was undescribable..but eventually found peace and even joy in my life again, not so here,, and I'm unwilling to give up but ever-so willing to do whatever to care for mom but to also live&enjoy my life since I am going to be a 1st time grandma come November as well I haven't worked since September 2009 which makes me feel worthless, useless, helpless.. which also limits the time and support I want to give my daughter & the financial support I want to give her as she becomes a 1st time mom...one more thing...my mom has dealt with depression, alcoholism and pot issues all her life until she learned to manage moderation..now she constantly is asking for the latter 2 and it's a battle when she is not granted them & wont so much as eat, get out of bed absolutely nothing,,but if she gets ithem she is the happiest person ever...I am tired of helping when she wont help herself also she seems to enjoy seeing me miserable simply because she is...enough said for now and very grateful for any help or guidance from anyone...

In my case, I believe there is only so far that I can go when it comes to my personal sacrifices and I let my mom know those limitations in no uncertain terms, so when it comes to her playing head games and being overly needy just for her own kicks, I am very firm, and hionest, about what she will and will not get away with.
Yes, It's always a challenge because now she finds this game of wills amusing, but I stick to my ground and remind myself that if I allow her to get me upset over these things, then I am not being true to myself.

When my MIL was here, I was telling my SIL that there was a family reunion on my side and I wanted to attend (as I hadn't seen some of my relatives since I was a little girl--elementary school age). I think she probably couldn't help out because she had to work, otherwise, she would've. She suggested a NH for the length of time I would be gone (a week). I didn't like that idea. Apparently, Medicare would pay for that was her thinking. Now that she's out of the house for good and in a NH, I have to find a way to make it. It won't be until the last week of July.

I think Crowemagnum is for the most part right on about my situation. It's odd that there is so much guilt for caregivers when we are doing a very good thing in taking care of our loved ones. My guilt goes back a long way though. It's pretty much constant. That and the anxiety. I'm just taking one hour at a time and trying to get out with my husband more when we can. I also plan on getting a part time job to help with our finances. That will be difficult as I never know how Mom is going to feel day to day. I guess I just need to trust the caregivers to attend to her and not feel like I have to be here myself. I also never know exactly how I am going to feel day to day. Thanks again for ALL of your input. I really appreciate it.

ckinmon, your situation makes mine feel like a piece of cake. Bless you for hanging in there and I am SO SORRY that you lost a child. Just continue to come here for support. It really helps. You've definitely got your hands full. Take good care.

I totally understand your reasoning of the way you are feeling.. and its a good thing that you can have this site to vent about how you are feeling and that is one step to a little help. I know it will not go away since you are in this situation. I have never used medications to relieve my depression... i cry every night.. cause i am emotionally and physically drained. I have NO help or support from my family members, and when i try to tell them about how i feel.. they just say i am complaining or i am just crazy. So i just go in my closet in the dark and just cry! I really feel alone in it. And i'm glad to have found this website. I also tell myself.. hang in there... since the person you are caring for appreciates it so much!! I know there are days you just want a break and get away.. since i want that all the time. but just remember that when your loved one passes you will feel good that you were there for them!!

that is great that you have met someone (your husband) that can be there for you .. in this situation!! And i read about how you were so social .. and now its hard, I totally know how you feel. I have changed so much since doing this full time. I don't ever hang out with my friends.. and if i do.. i feel gulity for leaving my grandma alone. or my friends don't understand how frustrated i am.. and how sad i can get. So i kind of keep to myself.. And its hard to meet men my age... since they are still young and don't understand. So its very hard. But i am really happy you have a husband that cares for you.. and that is helping you!

ChristineVo83,

I'm very glad that you found this site. There is one member here who can very well identify with your situation. She's a single parent who has been a caregiver since I think 18 for the past 10 years. Your grandmother is very blessed to have you, but as the caregiver who is crying every night, you need help to. I think something like 60% of caregivers who are the primary caregiver of someone at home end up dying before their relative does.

Your situation is understandibly wearing you down. Crying every night is sad but it also shows how much 6 years of solo caregiving is breaking you down.

Since this is your grandmother, I assume your parents are not longer alive? If that is the case, then did your grandmother raise you? In that case your anxiety about spending time apart from her is very understandible.

Given that your profile does not tell us a whole lot other than you are 26 and have been caring for your grandmother for 6 years, etc., I have more questions. How have you been able to gain any income being the solo-caregiver? Does your grandmother have any reasources that could pay for someone to come over to the house to give you a break? Help me to understand where the guilt is comming from? Usually, a 26 year old wants to have a life and does not struggle with the guilt thing like someone in their 50ties or 60ties that is the caregiving for an 70, 80 or 90 year old parent? Unless, however the guilt is a cultural thing which I can understand. How long do you think that you can keep going as the solo caregiver without outside help to give you a break as well as possibly some medicine to help with your depression? I'm concerned that the physical and emotional breaking down could wear out the chemicals in the brain that help deal with situational depression and you could end up with clinical depression which seriously needs meds.

Keep comming here and post all you want, whenever you want for as long as you want for there is almost always someone around to listen and respond.

I wish there is a way I can talk with someone.

Hey Marilyn I will give it a try. You take care.

Marilyn from Oregon here

Some and mainly anxiety....they have to be careful what anti depressant they put me on or I will become mean.....Does that help? heck no huh? Hugs to you hon....Sharon

My problem is that the resentment, frustration and all just slowly builds and builds, Then I have a major freak out, get myself together, and start Building all over again. I've yet to find a way to stop hoarding all the negative stuff so eventually it just becomes too much, then I feel bad and mom feels bad and on and on...

I used to freak out. That was back when I believed in a relationship with my mother. Now I don't care anymore because I've realized that any meaning between us is impossible.

I have learned to predict her and to manipulate her and it's easier on me. No guilt here. Just trying to get thru the day without a lot of fuss. I avoid her as much as possible. But when I do get backed into a corner with her, I am very superficial. She is hard of hearing so she does 90% of the talking (about herself). I let her ramble and make assenting noises like I'm actually listening. I agree to her crazy ideas because I know she'll forget. I never argue or try to reason with her. When she says horrid things I am silent. Mostly I try to do something else when I'm around her: load the washer, rinse the dishes, boil potatoes, iron. Anything so I feel like I am accomplishing something while she blathers on about her so-called life.

I'm only marking time with her until she dies. It's meaningless, annoying, very boring. I get very tired and sleep to get away from her.

You need more support. You also need to take mini vacations three to five days at a time every 3-4 months. This is what I call burnout and it will take what I suggest above in order to change the way you are feeling. I suggest you getting a short break daily where you can leave go do something for yourself this often helps keep the battery charged! But you need a few days off getting the rest and down time that your mind body and soul needs. We aren't made to work 24/7 and that's indeed what you are doing, you need a break/ respite time.
Best regards,

At least your husband is supportive. My husband hates when I want to do anything for myself. It's always a fight. I gave up my career and we both agreed it would be better to have my aging mother with increasing dementia live with us. This was 10 years ago. Then 7 years ago his mother moved in with us because his father died and she squandered the money he left for her. Because of his PTSD he is constantly unhappy and has lost many friends. We both get counseling and take meds for depression. Both he and his mother have the martyr mentality and my mother has become so totally passive I swear she would sit in the same spot for days. My husband and I split up for awhile due to his anger issues before I took all this on and he convinced me that he had sought counseling and was committed to supporting our marriage and learned how to deal with his problems. Now it's like nothing has changed and I feel like I have been treading water for awhile now and am drowning. I also got a dog for emotional support and also afraid of being homeless as I basically have no income and the thought of separating is overwhelming. No need to offer advice-I would just like somebody to take of this for me as the thoughts of suicide are increasingly attractive but I don't want to abandon my doggy!

Piper, I've got this right, have I - you're living with your demented mother, your needy MIL and your PTSD recovering husband..? And it's been going on for up to a decade, and there is no end in sight?

Thank God you've got the dog.

What kind of community do you live in - small town, large town, city, isolated rural spot?

This site is a God send. I have been helping my mother and step dad for many years. My stepdad passed in 2013 and since then I have been taking my mother with my husband and I to Florida for 4 1/2 months to our winter home, then I take her home and spend another month with her. I continue to see her at least weekly through the spring and summer and take care of all her insurance and med needs. My sister lives five minutes from mom, she,provides about three meals a week , takes her to Dr. appointments but doesn't spend any quality time with her. My brother lives 30 minutes from mom and doesn't see mom for sometimes months. They only call mom once on her birthday when she is in FL. In otherwards the majority of my mother's needs fall on me. I too suffer from depression and feel like I can't get through to my siblings to help more. My own health is beginning to need attention. So nice to share on here that others are going through the same thing.

How could a caretaker NOT be depressed and upset. You have a tremendous responsibility to take care of someone who either can't help themselves or won't and on top of that they may have serious mental issues. Just being around these people, no matter how much you loved them or what your past relationship was, is very difficult. Not everyone is cut out to be a caretaker. Bless those who can but don't attack those who simply are not cut out to be a caretaker. No patient should ever be allowed to "get away" with things because of mental or physical issues. A way must be found to stop the bad behavior. if it does not, then the caretaker should find a way to put them somewhere - unless that caretaker wants to be a caretaker and can handle it. And why should the patient make life impossible for the caretaker who may end up with no life of his/her own. it is just not right.

How on earth can a primary caregiver NOT become depressed. Perhaps you were close to the ill person and if that person was kind to you, it hurts you to see them as they now are. And so much extra work, probably stuff you never had to do before, is dumped on you. And you have to put up with mental issues, constant repetition of statements, and the list goes on. And you are no longer free to work or to come and go and have a social life. And maybe you have siblings who refuse to help but continue to find fault with what you do. Face it - you are just a human being, not GOD. Being in this situation would be difficult for anyone and that is normal. Try to get respites where you can "escape" for a while and see if that helps. Try to find a good counselor through your doctor or Google counselors on the internet and call them if they handle these cases and how the chemistry fits between you - ask for help. And if nothing works, and if the finances can be worked out, put the into a facility before you are destroyed.