Does anyone else deal with depression from being a primary caregiver?

Thank you both for the vent. It helps, my mom isn't quite that bad, but she can be difficult, ok she can be real mean. My husband and I play good cop bad cop, he is the good cop, and I have a glass of wine!

I often think that if I had a hubby (I'm divorced) that mother would be somewhat more controllable-if only because she thinks that she's still attractive to ANY man out there.
LOL

...realizing that its only mid afternoon on the west coast, (and not caring) I am scuttling over to pour a glass of wine too.

It is easier having my husband, and you are right my 94 year old mommy does respond better to men (and he's cute!) My sister does nothing to contribute and that is a PITA, but now I found this site, Thank God! My mom is busy looking for her check book for the 75th time today. Enjoy your wine. Hope it's a good vintage.

My mothers sister is in a home because she attacked the Doc with her sewing scissors--I'm going to tell my mom that she is welcome to join her! Then they can talk about the 1920's together at nauseum.

Thanx, guys. I just had the best laugh I've had in a while just reading this stuff! Seriously, tears in my eyes and all! I don't have any Friends in the situation that we're in, and the people I do know who are caregivers are always, (and I count myself) sooo serious about the whole thing. You really have lightened my load a good bit today. Perhaps, as well as giving eachother virtual hugs, we can but each other virtual rounds of wine every now and then. CHEERS!

Ted, dude, I am giving you a hug. Can you find my mothers checkbook?

HA! I think it's wherever my mom's teeth are this time!

hopefully not in the toilet where I found all the socks today. I mean that in a good way, oh wait, no I I don't.

Sewing scissors, were they pinking?

nins,
just curious, but did your mother contribute to your divorce?

shelleyanne,

We husbands are good for situations like your's, but for some of us there is a part of the journey of dealing with mom that only the daughter can and must do which my wife had to do once I refused to let her hide behind my behind and fight her battle for her.

Sounds like a few pages right out of the book, Running with Scissors

Nins...yep these N's are too much...my mom has a big mouth around me and when we go to the doc's office sits there quiet, then I have to hear a million medical questions, upon I SHOUT back at her...I AM NOT A DOCTOR! Just attention getting balloney. I guess she figured out today I was not going to waste my time at work listening to her consistently whining about not having a bowel movement, but like I said yesterday I found one so LARGE that I was afraid to flush that it was going to back up. Thank Gawd it didn't !!!!!!!!! She keeps saying if I put her in a retirement home she will die...nope I think everyone around her will die! She's has the kind of annoyance that is like sand paper against the brain. One reason she had my dad so whipped was her abrasive whining and yammering, where you can't stand it anymore and give in. I told him so many times to stand up to her. And I do stand up to her, sometimes I find I give in, just to shut her up, but in many cases I stand up to her. Geezus I never want to be an old bitty like that.

Having been the primary care giver for my Mom-even as she had to be put in a facility-has played havoc on my life...\\I forgot about me-and my health-and became involved in what was happening to my mom...and how I could make her ADL as best as possible...I gradually became worn down..perhaps inwardly depressed and aggitated over the situation. I think that it possible could have even taken a toll on my marraige.

Now it will be almost 2 years Mom has passed from complication of Alzheimer's....I still am reaching out-and I try to be there for many....Caregiving can have a profound affect on many.

By the way this has been quite an enlightening thread.

Good luck to all who are still on their caregiving journey--and know that depression and other health issues are a possibility, but can be delt with.

Hap

Oh man when it is over, I am going on a long awaited vacation even if it is a mini 3 day cruise. I have been trapped for so long, I can't even go to the store without finding a zillion messages one right after another on my voicemail. One left minute after minute. "Where are you...blah blah blah blah"...where are you...on and on."

PirateGal - I'm with you on the vacation thing. I think mine will be Hawaii!! As far as the bowel thing goes, what I have to hear about constantly is her diarrahea, even as we are eating or at a restaurant, etc... It is obviously nauseating! Mine is not necessarily the checkbook, but everything. I had her out yesterday and as she got in the car, she said "Where is my purse?" She has said this everytime she gets in the car, anywhere we go for years. It drives me crazy, "It's in your lap, you crazy old biddy!!" Even if we get in and out of the car 6 times, it will be the same question EVERY time.
You and Nims and I definitely have the same mother. I can't and will never understand why these evil people are still living. It it is only to torment us, then the last ten have been enough. She has been awful my whole, but since my dad died.. it is progressly worse. I understand the whole "giving in" just to shut her up. That's what my dad did, and I guess that is what I have always done. I'm getting much better at saying no, but the constant phone calls, telling me how mean I am, etc... I guess it's hard to get used to the fact that I will not "kiss her a**" anymore. When I say no to her or talk back to her, she asks me who is putting these ideas in my head, because I've never been like this before. I have told her, that it is she who has done this to me, she has destroyed the happy person that I used to be and what is left is this overworked and stressed out shell of the woman I once was!
It's way too early for a glass of wine, so guess I'll get some coffee!

When I first took mom back from the Home (because I couldn't stand her crying when I called everyday), I honestly believed I was bringing her home to die. Thought it would be about 6-8 months at the most. So I went through a little process for those first months, the shock of her condition, figuiring out and accepting my new role, the adjustment to the new relationship. Around 6 months in, I learned, or accepted, that I was not really playing the SON anymore, but the caregiver. That seemed to protect me from the hurt that she was throwing around for a while. But it was still painful to set aside our lifelong relationship to protect my sanity. It felt like I was abandoning her yet again. It's now been thre years since I brought her back and she's stronger than ever. I got her off those awful pills that made her no better than a street junkie, and I was able to maintain for a good couple of years. But now it's wearing me down. I was not, am not, prepared for this prolonged grief thing while trying to maintain the mindset that protected me from the emotional avalanche I face everyday. In short, the denial I was employing to dodge the pain, until the time came that I could put aside the constant responsibility and relax and hurt and grieve as I should, is wearing very thin. Then add the guilt when I think "It shouldn't be taking this long!" and all that follows that, well.....

Wow, Ted! I really understand what you mean. I was okay for a few years, and I listened to what everyone said about letting the hurtful words and actions roll off my back, but it has just gone on too long. It has worn me so thin and I also wonder "Why is this taking so long". I have visions of me being 80 years old and still having to deal with her and her drama and depression and bowel movements and brain tumors (imagined) and all. I really wonder when I am going to be free so that I can enjoy the rest of MY life!

Yep. I often wonder who I'm going to be when I get through the other side of this. Certainly not the same man I was going in, or even what a natural progression would have matured me into. My carreer has ended, money is gone, social circles stopped fitting a while ago. I have a completely different, and far less cheery outlook on all things. Talk about a 'life interupted'!

I'm ready to get on Bobbie's yacht too....anywhere but here! Sign me up! :)

Tom

Ok, group, my husband and I figure it would be less expensive to put my mom on a ship. They have doctors and beds. We could come visit.

Crowmag, thanks for the comment. We are kind of a team on project "mother's mind" but yes ultimately it is up to me, and I would like to hide behind his behind, but that aint gonna happen. We are doing ok, it's a b---- and he listens. Loved the article on slow grief. If I cry anymore I will have to have my contacts removed from my eyes by a trained professional.

Ted and Dede...wow I don't feel so alone anymore when I think of you folks...it makes things much more tolerable to feel like I am not the only one going through 'punishment'. After my dad died my mom's guilt trip went like this "...blah blah blah...oh these few years I have left". I had to do her every bidding....well 3 years went by...5 years went by ...8 years went by..then 10 year mark came and went by..now its ELEVEN YEARS....and she's still around to torture me in a now different way. All these years of fighting and bickering but nah she did not care...I am the built in slave. So I know what you folks think when you say when is it going to end. I often think she will outlive me due to the stress induced illness and depression she produces in me. It's tough to keep saying every day..come on get up you have to be a survivor, you have to keep your head up and get over it, you have to keep going...whew! It's almost like a workout of life. I often then think of other people who have parents that are no like this and are sweet and thoughtful and bake cookies yadda yadda yadda. The children's picture book of every old lady - grandma so to speak old person. I want to be that type of old lady that teaches little kids on how to bake christmas cookies and how the plants and flowers grow. May the Gods help me on that one...wink!

Crowe and all;
In answer to your question about my mother and my divorce:actually no. I managed to get away (3,500 miles) for many years. My divorce was for a number of reasons, although one could perhaps say that my choice in marrying this man has a lot to do with the fact that I didn't have the ability to choose well because I was raised by this NPD nutcase.
I am frustrated and angry because I managed to get away and resurrect myself from my awful and abusive childhood, raise 3 wonderful kids-and now I'm right back where I started, living with this sick and mean person. Now that I am here all her so called friends are disappeaing because over the years they have been getting sick of being used, and I am left holding the bag AND being blamed for "taking her friends away".
I used to get calls from people I hardly knew asking me to "do something-we can't and don't want to deal with her anymore".
I can't seem to find any way, either through the Social Service System, nor the Legal System to improve the situation. So now I have to go downstairs and look at the basket of her walker, in which she stores and hides old food, watch her pick toast off the floor and eat it etc.
When will it end?

nins you have a lot on your plate, and that is a freaking long time, although I Look back and it has been ten years for us. It will end, and you have done the right thing.

nins,

Indeed being raised by a parent with NPD or BPD blasts our sense of personal boundaries because of their intrusive personalities which does impact our decisions. I hear your pain of being trapped as an adult back in the painful, abusive environment where you were trapped as a child and worked so hard to escpae from. I'll be praying for some sulution to this delimma.

Nins, i don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. The simple fact that you are doing this, caring for the person who hurts you most, puts you miles above the type of person she is. I think if you can somehow come to grips with the idea that you are a stronger, better person than the one who trys to hurt you, you might find that that true strength can protect you from the slings and arrows. i guess what I'm saying is that I know you can rise above it all. Will you?

nins BIG BIG BIG BEAR hug....we know what you are going through...believe me.

Ted...I have often tried to think of it that way as well. We are the better person. And yes there will be an end one day...no one is immortal...remember that!

RachelDevin:

What an excellent view of this whole troublesome business of caretaking. You have in a few words boiled it down to the bottom line, what we all wrestle with whether our relative has COPD or OCPD. The sense of futility and the resultant depression, the sense of aloneness and the resultant hopelessness, the sense of feeling trapped with no escape, these are all real to everyone of us here...but instead of dwelling on the bad you have give us all a direction to go to mitigate some of the negative feelings...'pretending' that all is well is a mind game, that when I can get my mind to cooperate, actually works and gives me a sense of respite. Granted it never lasts long, but even scant relief is better than none. And about coming back here, I was truly at my wits end when I came here a few days ago, strictly by accident and it has been so helpful in helping me with the processing of the abberant feelings associated with care giving. Bless you for being here and being an encouragement to all of us. I hope I can give you something back in return....

Tom

it is just difficult, and who do you hand it of to?