Does anyone else deal with depression from being a primary caregiver?

Z1920,

To paint the picture bigger using your word "lonely", you are not alone with that feeling within your household. I assume that when you say that your family does not understand that you mean siblings and other relatives. Very likely, your 7, 4, and 1 year old feel some loneliness as well as your husband even though he is working far too many hours which may be his self-medication for the stress. As an adult who is married and a mother, your primary responsibility is to your marriage and to your children and secondarily to make sure that your mother is cared for but not necessarily in the sense of being the fourth child at home which is far too much to be expected of you realistically considering your own health problem and three young ones who take a lot of energy at those ages particularly.

Stress increases one's blood pressure and one's blood sugar level. Either of these health problems could potentially cause your death before your mother dies. Wrapping yourself up totally into your mom's care could cost you your marriage as one person on this site told me took place with them and only understood years after the marriage was over. I'm being this direct and serious because to me is sounds like you possibly are sitting on a time bomb which needs defusing soon.

Z1920, it sounds like you are under quite a strain. Every situation is unique, and we all have varying energy/strength levels to handle stress and we all have different limits as to how much we can bear. As was suggested, perhaps you can investigate having a home health aide come into your home to help out ( call local hospitals for info), or else you could consider having your Mom live in a senior community, with continuing care available---if this is financially possible.
Whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and your own strength and sanity, remember that you do not need to feel guilty for setting limits on what you will give to your mother from your reservoir of strength. Your first duty is to take adequate care of yourself, so that you'll be in a position where you'll be able to care for your husband, kids, and mother. If you are getting weaker yourself, you are no good to the others in your care. Best to you.

Z1920 - You are definitely overwhelmed with being the caregiver to so many people. My goodness. Your kids alone are a full time job. Are you saying you are also teaching, or was that your husband? If it is you - you definitely need to stop that for a while. The kids need you. Your mom (and you) would both benefit by having her live in an Assisted Living with you visiting her on a regular basis. You don't need so much on your plate - especially as you are raising kids. You will spread yourself too thin - and then you can't be there completely for anyone. Downsize your caregiving as much as you can. Get your life back!

I am very glad that you found this site and welcome. You will find a lot of support and experience on here.

Wow you are so overwhelmed and stressed out and with good reason. Let me make sure I understand this correctly, your husband is a full time college college and you are adjunct college professor. My wife was once a college professor and frankly 18 hours a day sounds unreasonable. He might be trying to escape how things are at home to work close to a 90 work week. Thus, I think he needs some help with his workaholicism. With both of you working who takes care of your children with only one of them in school and having a one year old?

Evidently your family members must not understand the demands upon a family where both spouses are working outside the home along with having young children. Either they are that dense or they are just in denial.

Now about the obligation thing that's part of some self-imposed F.O.G. in my opinion unless your mother at some point drilled this into your head. Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

Taking care of an elderly parent is not the same as a parent taking care of a child and so can't really be equated with payback. Did she ever get a baby sitter for your? Did she care for an aging parent and one as in as poor health as her at home while taking care of you around in your younger years? Did she have a life while taking care of you?

Taking care of someone does not mean having to kill oneself, abandon ones children and destroy ones family of out a sense of obligation, or fear they might not like you acting somewhat like their parent and making some decisions for their being cared for that they might not like at first but can adjust to, or guilt for not being able to do it all yourself. You already sound like you were super mom before your mother came to live with you.

I'd look into not only support for yourself, but also some means to get some added relief concerning your mother. I think you might need the help of like a home health nurse to assess this situation at home and possibly talk with your mother about what might be a best course of action for her and for you given your own health and the dynamics of your family. It also sounds like your personal family and broader family needs to have separate family conference time about what's going on because it really should not fall all on you.

BTW, do you have Durable and Medical POA for you mother or does some sibling have that?

I hope this helps.

I'm just joining this site and the discussions and feedback are right in line with what I am dealing with. I feel SO incredibly alone as a caregiver. My husband works roughly 18 hours a day, I have 3 children (7, 4, and 1). work full-time and am a parttime adjunct college professor. My mother is now living with us and is dealing with depression, vision loss, diabetes, sleeplessness, anxiety and high blood pressure. I'm only 39 and I'm dealing with diabetes and high blood pressure as well. I'm so very lonely at times and long for my "former life" where I was just wife and mom. However, my mom really needs me now and it's my obligation to care for her because she cared for me. Family members really do not understand the many demands that are placed upon me and have not really been supportive. Mom is in a day program but really isn't enjoying that. I'm in the process of looking for a support group for myself in my area. I need one so badly.....

Thanks for the recipe and the link. Can't wait to try it. Hope your mom will remember it too.

doc prescribe darvocets and xannax , sometimes it works sometimes it dont . he was takin one pill done forgotthe name of it , it s enuff to put a horse down !! it didnt work for him .
i wrote down that meds down so i ll try remmythat the nexttime i go see that dr .
its called sundowners , they just stay awake and meds dont work , thier mind just overpowers everything , amazin !!!
im betting he will sleep tmr , i hope ... right now he s all smiles watching andy griffon . enjoying the buzz...

oh found the german word my mom used for those german hamburgers its:
FLEISCHKUCHLE with the two dots over the U...pronounced...Fleisch...keesch...e...luh...now say that fast....vioila.

hardebeck can you give your dad some (it is a prescription) Ativan - Lorazapam generic? maybe a small dose...it is for irritability and nervousness and anxiety. They prescribed it for my dad before he passed away from his melanoma...he was so agitated and restless before he passed. They also prescribed it for my mom last year when she 5150'd...(psych ward)...so I have some at home I take a bedtime when it has been very rough for me and only then do I take it, so it relaxes me. It's very gentle.

ok made spaghatti and chicken and garlic bread . something quick and easy ,
wanted to put pa in bed he s fightin with me about that so i let him stay up . he hasnt been in his bed for 2 days , his mind wont let him sleep . gosh i hope staying wide awake dont kill him !
grab me a beer so now im feelin lit better , sandy im errie about takin depression pills . im scared of em . i try to deal with my depresions in tellin myself that tmr will be better day . today sure wasnt a good day so maybe tmr will . if not then i will think about talkin to doc .

Sandy...glad to be of service...I just have been thinking of stuff I can make for home and bring over to mom, but lately she has not been eating what a bring over so it goes to waste. The german hamburgers I grew up with my mom making...she called them something that I cannot find the name of on internet and they call them something wierd Frickadella...my mom never called them that but in rough german translation she called them 'meat patties'. I tried to tell her I was making these (made some the other day had a craving for them - some smell from the breakroom at work reminded me of them - boyfriend anihilated them) she did not recall them at all. I am going over there after work.. GOD FORBID SHE'S OUTTA MIRALAX...and gonna try to see if she remembers them. She made them all the time...I remember as a kid I did not like the onions and wanted regular hamburgers like american kids....but as an adult came to respect them as 'darn good'. My b/f put them on some mini kaiser rolls I had found, I just eat them like a little steak on my plate with the mac/cheese and veggies.

The tilapia recipe is very fast and easy and yummy just add sea salt and lemon.

PiratGal - I love your way of thinking: ie: to cook and eat.
I love that recipe for German Hamburgers. I copied it and will be making that for lunch tomorrow. Now this is what we all need to do - start posting some yummy recipes. lol. Like the talapia recipe too!

lhardebeck - it does sound like depression. You need to see your family doc and see if he can help you. I've been there too. I am now on Lexapro ( low dose) and getting out in the sun when it shines ( been so snowy this winter) and do some walking. I also read to get my mind in another world for a while. I do a lot of genealogy research online. I also have one sister who helps a lot. Have one that does nothing. ((Hugs))

ah hardebeck...with a bad back....lol...it's tough, two men to feed..WOW..that makes it tough! At least we can give you some smiles and some ideas for a change up everyday. Get out a little sketchpad and doodle something and then write a little poem under it...sometimes creativity is a great soother.

"Fall, leaves, fall"

Fall, leaves, fall; die, flowers, away;
Lengthen night and shorten day;
Every leaf speaks bliss to me
Fluttering from the autumn tree.

I shall smile when wreaths of snow
Blossom where the rose should grow;
I shall sing when night's decay
Ushers in a drearier day.

Emily Jane Brontë

step outside and fed the dogs , justhad me coffee and now im gonna scramble around to find somethin for supper . thanks pirategal ! they all sound good and simple .
its bad enuff when i dont feel like cookin but i gotta do it got 2 hungry men here . i dont even want to eat .
its amost six and its past suppertime . ooops , better get on the ball and dirty up dishes after i just wash em today . then gotta wash em again . dman houswork never ends !
gotta wash those pads and sheets too for the 2nd time today after askin pa if he ha dto go bathroom , noooo he says . if i try to get him up he will act like he s so cripple and cant get up . ive pulled my back before and am not doing it again . so he sits there wet . till he decides he s wet and cant stand it then he will helpme by getting up and slide over to wheelchair .
wheres that beach at ????

hardebeck......hugs...yep it gets to be where you are just a caregiver...and I pay my mom's 20 bucks an hour...but then I am there on Sunday practically all day...hey where's my 20 bucks an hour...lol..

How about comfort food, perhaps papa will like that too:

mac n cheese (even nukable ones are good)
scalloped potatoes ( the box ones are just as good as homemade)
steamed veggies (fresh veggies cheap at the 99 cents store)
fried fish (Lousianna fish fry - no salt pkg - dip Talipa fillets in a mixture of 1 egg and cup of milk -dip in fish fry fry in light Wesson oil - fast and easy)
german hamburgers (kinda like mini meatloafs - ground beef, minced onion, eggs, bread soaked in milk, salt/pepper, paprika - shape into fat patties and fry)

thanks u guys , i just think i neeed to go back to sleep . ah now i hear pa hollarin , prob needs t o bathroom . hahaha

Sorry about the double post. I'm so bad about that. :P

Yes, lhardebeck. That's depression. I can spot it a mile away or farther. Just get through today and maybe even tomorrow and it will lift. I know it. Do something that makes you laugh or smile. Hang in there!! Hugs to you!!

Yes, lhardebeck, that's depression. I can spot it a mile away or farther. Just get through today and maybe tomorrow. It will lift. I know it. :) Hang in there. Do something that makes you smile. Hugs to you!!

I know alllllllllll those feelings!!!!!!! Think SPRING!!!!!!!!!! KNow that everything is going to be all right! You are doing just fine!

oh gosh i am so bored . i dont feel good i have no enegry left out of me . alli want to do is sleep .
pa s been awake ovr 24 hrs big bright eyes . am waitin for him to sleep for 2 days . i think i ll sleep for 2 days . i am so cold and freezing , lazy , tired , gotta cook supper too . whats to fix ? nothing sounds good . :-(
i wonder if that is a sign of depressions sinkin in ? i sure do feel down ...

What a lovely thought.

For me? Everything has always been all right, so there is no reason to thnk or believe that it will not be in the future!

Good because I just bought one.I didn't want to offend any CATHOLICS.

Rosarys are Catholic tools, but not restricted to Catholics. Not in this day and age.

Are rosarys CATHOLIC tools of prayer or can other religions use them?

One of my mom's med's is this.

Sandy - I like how you put that about 'sins'!!!!

Tina and everyone else after reading the past several posts I felt like saying

GROUP HUG

i believe in rosary !! i always felt comferts in those , i truely believe it . i shall go find it ! i had forgotten all about it ! i think its in one of my bible i had when i was a child , i kept it in there . mm now u said it and im gonna go find it cuz i sure need it !!!
thanks pamela !!

Sandy48

Taking 0.5 mg of Risperdal is entry level for this med. Doctors do tend to prescribe lower doses to older people though. Please take some time to research this med online for it does have some important possible side effects at higher levels.