Does anyone else deal with depression from being a primary caregiver?

Funny you should say sins of our parents. I feel totally opposite.

My mom has said her rosary for many a year. Even now she ask someone to hand it to her so she can pray. I really don't even know if she says complete our fathers, or hair mary's but she does something.

For many years when I wasn't being quite the ideal person, good things would happen to me. Sometimes when I had no money, a check would just appear out of nowhere. Sometimes when I would feel alone, someone would call and say "come on over". Sometime when my sonz weren't being to well behaved, all of a sudden they would become someone special all over again.

Now for many years I just thought it was luck, then one day my mom and I had a conversation and she told me she prays for me and my family all the time. It was then that I knew that through her prayers God was seeing me through. Certainly it wasn't because of me praying, because at that time I wasn't.

Depressed yes I am depressed because after all that praying my mom did for me, now she needs God to see her through.

So praying is what I continue to do. There is power in prayer, there is power in believing and I have to believe that. Maybe there will be no miracle, but I will settle for peace.

Thanks Crowemagnum - I never thought of that. Her anti psychotic med is Risperdal. She was having these auditory hallucinations before going on it and I definitely can't tell the meds have helped at all. She is taking 0.5 mg of it now.

Sandy48,

The continuation of these psychotic breaks with reality also known as auditory hallucinations means her anti psychotic medicine needs adjusting by her doctor. It would be good idea to accomplish this before she goes to assisted living. For some people who struggle with these psychotic breaks, they find smoking a comfort.

Anne, my mom will never stop smoking as long as she can get them. She spends $40 per carton and smokes 3 a month. She said it was the only pleasure she had. She has given up, wants to 'go be with daddy' in Heaven. We have tried for 3-4 years to get her interested in something, such as TV, reading her Bible ( which she used to love), folding clothes or anything to do with her hands. But she refuses anything now. She admits she has 'given up'. Now she had dementia with paranoid hallucinations. Thinks the TV people are talking to her; thinks she hears people talking to her and no one is there. Thinks someone is going to hurt her or hurt us. Nothing we do or say makes it any better. I am so glad I don't smoke. My mom is only 17 years older than me. I am now 61 and she is 78. She got married so young, had 3 girls in 3 years. My sisters and I are old getting older and are not able to handle the situation any longer. Mom has agreed to an assisted living but when that days arrives, we wonder if she will fight it.

I can relate to feeling like I am paying for past sins---I have felt that way myself--- and it is so helpful to read here that someone else felt that way, and that we shouldn't. And Sandy, when I read your post about your mother and her smoking, it is like a deju vu for me. My mother smoked so much that she had a pack right by her bed and would light up before she even left the bed in the morning. She also developed COPD and congestive heart failure, and eventually lung cancer. It was the lung cancer that took her in the end; she died a year and a half ago. ( miss her!) She was a great lady, but boy was she controlled by those cigarettes! Mom used to say it broke her heart to see young people smoking. She knew she had done this to herself. She finally quit at about age 70, and that probably gave her a few more years than she would have had, but so much damage had already been done. i am sorry you are going through this with your Mom now...I know how heartbreaking it is to see our mother so weakened. The addiction is sooo strong---hence why she is still smoking. Mom used to tell me that she never got over the addiction; the pull was always there. Toward the end of Mom's life, she was desperately trying to extend her life; on the doctor's orders she started "working out" at a pulmonary gym, and she'd be on the bike with her oxygen tank and tubes hooked up to her. I went with her one time to watch her ( tried to make it a fun outing) and it was all I could do to hold back the water works.

Tina, believe me you aren't paying for past sins. My mom is and always has been a heavy smoker and due to this, she now has emplysema, chronic COPD, osteoporosis, congestive heart failure, dementia and chronic cough. Due to the CHF she can barely walk and if we take her out we now have to use a wheel chair because she can only walk a few steps at at time - (but she manages to walk to the front door and out on the porch to smoke). My sisters and I have never smoked but growing up both parents did. Dad died from all of this in 2001. He stopped smoking 10 years before he died and luckily kept a clear mind until he died although the damage was done to his body. Now Mom is still smoking and due to this and what it has caused, us daughters are having to take care of her needs as she 'is not able' to even take a bath by herself. She forgets to flush the commode, she doesn't want us to wash her hair or take a bath so it's a battle that we go through to do these things. If we mention quitting smoking, she has a fit. So it is the sins of the parents, not the sins of the children that puts us into this role.

If I am paying for past sins then I must be overdrawn at the bank.

I can't function without my meds and not doing so well lately at their current level along with just being told by my psychiatrist that I'm self-institutionalizing myself but will not increase my anti-depressant because he's afraid of mania. A little mania would be much preferred.

I don't think any of us are like paying for some past sins although it might feel that way.

I have been on meds for a very long time and I know I can't function without them. I have no other alternative for my mom and so I will just have to deal with it. I do think about drinking sometimes though. Maybe I think I'm paying for my past sins. And, I love my mom so much and she is sweet and grateful. tina, I am proud of you. Your situation had to stop.

Thanks to everyone for their support. I hope that people in the same situation as me ask their family and out side help facilities for the help that they will need to put a stop to this behaviour. It is very distressing to admit to what is happening and it took me a long time to even tell my husband. God bless him, he's been very supportive. He is now encouraging me to make a new life and hopefully keep some sort of relationship with my dad.
Dad been for a scan today to see if he has the dementia.I go to the hospital every day to visit. Soon he will be in a home and i am looking forward to the future.

Tina - you did the right thing by getting out of that situation. Bless your sister for her support. No one needs a life of misery. We didn't ask for any of this. If the caregiver doesn't get help, then someone will have to care for them. It isn't worth it.

your telling me it is icky had to seek help because it was freaking me out. Dad sees nothing wrong but my whole family have given me the support I need. I am now closer to my sister than I have felt in a long time, she has pushed me to realise I am entitled to a life .

Wow Tina...that is an icky predicament..and a mind blower as well!

Tina,

I think a whole generation was raised to not value our own needs, but to swallow our feelings and focus on the needs of others at the expense of our own.

That was me growing up and for years later for my mother had absorbed me emotionally into herself to meet her emotional need without ever meeting mine which she did voluntarily admit to 20 years ago or meeting my dad's emotional needs or her second husband's emotional needs which she has not clue.

I'm glad you can breathe. Breathe and let all of that toxicity from stress that's built up in your muscles, etc. just flow out bit by bit.

Thanks sandy, you know how I feel. I'm 45 and love my dad to bits but i was thinking my needs were not important to other people. We always think of ourself last. Dad of course doesn't understand but everyone else does. Social services great and nurses wonderful.At last I feel I can breath again, he was being very suffercating with his attention. This included unwelcome touching and affection,the sort not wanted or expected by a male relative. I found that i could not relax in his company. Dad had been living with me for 5 years and the last 2 have been at times unbearable.

For most folks I see that they can stay home with their family member, but not me, I have to go to work. So it's really tough when you leave it in the hands of caregivers. I find myself on Sunday's doing a lot of clean up I can be there 8 hours doing something continously. The caregivers are good, don't get me wrong, they do enough with a few chores and taking mom to lunch, wish I hate, because everytime they go somewhere I hear how bad it is. I told them not to, but the caregiver has an itch always to get out and about I believe. I know I can set that to rights, but for right now it's okay. My mom has a big enough mom around me and now is showing that big mouth to the caregiver. I told her 'then don't go out to eat, I make homemade food and it just rots in the fridge all week. For the past 3 weeks my mom was on a little sing song...when she called it was this horrible whining....:"I don't know what I gotta do"...I don't know what's going to happen"...on and on and on....but I think that may have been tied to bladder infection/constipation prob's. It's a roller coaster with her, I never know what's going to happen. So I have calmed myself down alot not trying to jump to her calling wolf, because it was starting to unravel me.

I'm with you Sandy48. I'm glad I hired someone, and my sister stepped up and did what she should have been doing in the first place. in other words, I'm glad she's moms primary and not me. God knows she has more help with her entire family living in my moms house, than I did staying over there, neglecting my own family.

I am totally OK with it. I understand exactly where you are coming from.

I am so glad that I can use your experiences so I don't get to the point that you were at.

Totally agree with what you are saying

tinapick,

You are human like the rest of us and you might need a counselor or pastor to help you get past this guilt which I feel like you are putting on yourself. I hope you are happy that you are going to have a life. Your mom and dad had a life when they had you and now you are in the parent of the parent mode and can have a life too.

Hugs to you Tinapick. That is what you have to do. My doctor told me that the depression and stress was killing me and I would die before my mom if I kept this up. I'm was on BP meds, cholesterol meds, meds for anxiety & depression and meds to sleep. I wanted my life back and the only way to get it back was for someone else to be my Mom's caregiver. God bless you.

the depression from caring is one of the reasons i have decided to put dad in a home.I've been on the happy pills twice and promised myself if it got too much again I would put my needs first.Dad is waiting for a bed in a home and the guilt of saying I can't do this any more was unbearable but I've done it and my family are pleased that I'm going to have a life.

It was time for a glass a wine 39 years ago! :)

I made the mistake years ago at the Biltmore House in NC by just tasting some of their wine. Wow was I really mellow that night given it was also mixed with wellbutrin, my anti-depressant. I'm sure glad that I didn't actually drink a whole glass of wine.

Thank you Crow. Is it time for a glass of wine yet?

Nancy,

Please be more graceful with yourself. At 60 years old, with grown children who have children, you have every right to go and visit them 'guilt free'. Grace to you Greysfully! :)

i get depressed and i take out a piece of paper and write all the things i can think of to be thankful for. it really helps.

This seems to be LIVELY thread!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!! I, too, am depressed, so what else is new! Sleep is my respite. MOvies, and my loving greyhounds. I get up in the morning, or go out in to the livingroom, and there she is.......in her chair. Ankles swollen................looking confused, in denial of why I am there, Nothing changes, and sleep has just been a time-out!I gird my loins, and begin again. Shopping, cleaning, dishes, garbage that smells of urine, laundry..............and little time for me.....little ol' me. My life IS on hold, and I try not to look in the mirror to see the wear and tear. Sometimes I just stare out the window, looking for Spring..............or something to make it all different. I am trying to plan a trip to Florida to see my daughters, and the guilt is overwelming. I am trying to find someone to stay here and take care of EVERYTHING, and then I realize what a job that is!!!!!!!!!! I long for the embrace of my daughters, and grandchildren..............and a REALITY CHECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Low testosterone level in men contributes to depression, low sex drive, poor sexual performance, weakened bones, increase in body fat due to the loss of body mass, etc.

27 is a bit young for a low score. However, according to another article in Men's Health, today's 20-30 something male has much less testosterone level than the same age group of a generation ago. BTW, my sister in law buys me a new subscription to Men's Health as my Christmas present ever year! Don't I have a wonderful sister in law! And she lives just a few doors down from and has to deal with her borderline 'mommy dearest' whitch, queen mother type as a ovarian cancer survivor since 2001 and frankly has no business having to do all she does for her mother plus deal with a needy disabled and somewhat confused husband.

Here are my three favorite articles on testosterone.

http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/2003/01.09/01-testosterone.html

http://discuss.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/zforum/05/viewpoint_aar041806.html

http://www.bu.edu/today/2009/12/10/coming-soon-decade-testosterone

I'm sure the article from Men's Health on Testosterone can be found online.

Thinking about how to approach this, you could ask if he has had a bone density test done. Given how low many people's vitamin D level often is, this really might not be a bad idea. A poor result from that test would likely mean testosterone gets looked into as well as the vitamin D level. BTW, my endocrinologist tells me that we only need 15 minutes a day in the direct sun on the tops of our arms to make the vitamin D we need. However, the suntan lotion people have scared us out of the sun.

The bigger question for your son's situation is does his psychiatrist know about current testosterone treatments and your son's testosterone level? I had to point this out to my psych when I asked him for a referal to the endocrinologist. So, when I told him last year my depression was worse than usual the first thing he asked about was my testosterone level and ordered lab work for it. My medicine for that was adjusted some, but it's not had much impact on anything else. It is probably a good idea to test for and often is part of the bood work in a man's annual physical. However, given the nature of bipolar lifting his testosterone level to normal range if low most likely will not really help the bipolar.

One more humorous note about testosterone and sex. This is a controled substance that comes with wise instructions about washing it off your hands after putting it on your upper arms and shoulders. If I fail to do so and shake hands with one of my teenage boys, he just might get a hormonal jolt of energy. If I fail to keep my shirt on for four-six hours after putting it on and my wife rubs my upper arms and shoulders, I'm in danger of her ripping my clothes off. Well on that note, I'm going to bed.

At least it's a more upbeat subject than depression.. I guess. Haha! I'm interested in what you said about the lowered testosterone levels contributing to depression. My 27 year old son is bipolar with depression and I wonder if he could be experiencing problems from that, too. I will have to decide how to broach the subject with him on that.

I would be careful getting anti-depression meds from just a family doctor. Even with selecting a psychiatrists it is good to ask around concerning how pill happy they are. My wife had one who definitely over medicated her and she's changed along with getting off several of her meds which deal with issues far more reaching than clinical depression.

I discovered 5 years ago that there was more to my own depression than just bi-polar II, etc. My sister in law read an article in her husband's Men's Health magazine and suggested that I see an endocrinologist which I got my Psych to refer me to. Well, turns out that my testosterone level was totally lower than the Dead Sea, my pituitary gland was no longer telling my body to make that hormone, and I had osteoporosis. Interstingly, my the various regular doctors over the 5 or so years previous to that would only say 'oh you are a little low, let's give you this patch for 6 months.' Then I learned that the mental health people have known for years about testosterone and male depression, but went the pill rout because the method of getting testosterone to me was in the dark ages. That never changed until the pharmacy industry developed a super efficient pump bottle for women's estrogen treatment's.

While I'm taking my hormones every day, well most of the time at least, I still need my wellbutrin and lamictal to help me otherwise. I tried going a while without the wellbutrin but it did not work. I also learned 5 years ago that I had sleep apnea. Well, that itself causes depression and in men contributes to a poor level of testosterone production. Oh, one surprising bit of information that I learned from one doctor is that older men are not the highest consumers of viagra or cialis. Younger men are getting their doctors to give it to them for extra energy in their sex life. Well, I went from writing about depression to sex. ha, ha, :)