Does anyone else deal with depression from being a primary caregiver?

LOL Nina

Yes--most of us had LIVES before we became caregivers-were able to come and go as we pleased etc. I sneak around in this house trying not to make noise because that prompts my Mother to come out of her living area and tell a long tale (and its always a monologue) about something that happened 80 years ago or whatever. Usually its all about how she has been wronged in some way. Or she sits and tells me how inadequate I am. And I resent always having to tell someone when I go out for a few minutes.
Think I'll go back to bed until its time for wine LOL

Nina I use too. Now since my sister took over, I am back at my own house. But the problem is that when I go to moms house, I can't wait to leave. I feel depressed every time I turn that key to enter her house. The heat hit's me, and the feeling of helplessness hit's me, then I walk into her room and there she is laying down in that bed and I almost just fall out. From the time I get there till the time I leave she's asking me to do things. It's like I never left. She called me at 4 in the morning today to tell me she felt great and was gonna go to the bathroom. I talked her out of it, and shortly thereafter my sister came into her room. I noticed they bought a baby monitor so now when I go over I make sure to turn it off so the "help" can't listen. When I bought one 5 months ago mom told me to take it back that she didn't want it.

I do feel for you though because your mom is there for you. I understand totally about when she goes shopping and you can be yourself. I can just see you dancing, singing, doing what-ever you so desire and I say ALLRIGHT Ms Nina!

What would happen if you turned on the music while your mother was there, and you held her hand and danced with her, I mean simulated dancing?

nins, I hadn't really thought about it in awhile but I do SO agree. Everyone needs alone time. There is no place for me to really be alone when I want to. It sounds so liberating!! I do know that lately I sing less and smile less and just want to go to sleep and not deal with anything. I guess sleep is a get-a-way.

Depression? Oh heck yes. Today I am so depressed I've not been able to do the one little errand I had scheduled. So I totally understand.
Some days I feel like throwing in the towel.
My 90 year old Mother goes out once a week to go shopping-and that is the greatest time for me! Its like all the bad air in the house is gone for awhle and I can play music, walk around wherever I wish, dance, talk to myslef-whatever. This is one thing that doesn't get addressed very often. Emphasis is on the "getting out" part of respite, which is fine, but since most of us are adults, we also mourn the freedom to just "be" in our own homes!
Does anyone agree?

pamela, I am SO THERE on Bobbie's yacht. It sounds like heaven to me.

pamela, I used to be very social. I have let so many friendships lag and lost touch with others. It's just so hard to maintain friendships when you're depressed and can't get out much.

Miz forget about what those siblings say, they are probably jealous that you HAVE a man. Whatever it takes to take a load off of you, go for it.

By the way you do look like a social butterfly-girl. Go on with your bad self.

You won't lose your mind, we'll be signing you up for the cruise that we'll be taking on Bobbie's Yacht.

Lilliput, the winters do suck. My husband says I'll feel better when spring gets here. Man, I hope so.

I've been doing this for about 4 1/2 years and sometimes I think I'm going to lose my mind. For some of that time I got out a lot more but the money situation has popped that balloon. I remember how social I used to be. My siblings are mad that my husband is living in the house. I moved him in about 3 years before we got married. What they fail to accept is that he makes life around this place so much more bearable. I guess everyone has the right to their opinion. :)

Thanks so much for all your comments and advice. I guess depression is sort of an not-talked-about problem with caregivers. I find a whole lot more information on the depressed elderly. Mom and I looked into day care when Dad first passed away. The problem was is is that Mom needs to lay down most of the time and the day care facility we have in town does not have beds. As far as the money situation goes, I am on a budget set up by my brother, sister and myself. I'm not very good with money. I DO get out to work 1 to 2 days a week. I think if I didn't have that I would go crazy. It's $19.00/hour for a CNA to come and take care of Mom. (My brother made the comment that I should be able to find someone for $5.00/hour. OMG!!) I'll be getting away this weekend to go to my in-laws for my and my husband's birthdays. It will be an overnight thing but I know it won't seem long enough. If my husband and I go somewhere together, I either take a day off work or we pay a friend/CNA $10.00 to stay with Mom. We try to get away but money IS a problem. Mom hates it when I go to work so I struggle with that guilt. I tell her I have to get out sometimes and she seems to understand that most of the time but she still wants me here.

When you don't have a support system esp. within your own family,how could anyone not be depressed. Caregiving is hard in the best of circumstances. It does make a hugh difference when some one is there that you feel that loves your parent as you do,such as a brother or sister,but when you handle everything alone;it is a recipe for diaster.

MIZ:

All caregivers experience depression at one point or another. How we cope with it is the tricky part. Some people resort to "happy pills" like Prozac or Celexa to mask it; others accept it as part of a war in which all sides lose something. Some, always so free and easy on the advice, seem to be in total control. The fact is that half the time they're playing the Cleopatra Queen of Denial bit complete with teflon attitude, and pretending they're in control of everything and everyone. Some give in and become trapped; others go screaming into the night after the first week. The list goes on and on.

Miz, it sounds to me like you're grieving for a life you used to have before all these sacrifices of caregiving came along. And barely anyone around to help except those whose love for you you believed unconditional.

Every 24 hours or so take some "me time" and rewind the tape of your existence. Have you been happy, even if it's for 5 minutes a day? Is your soul searching deep enough to identify the causes or triggers of your depression? Of course you'll come across individuals handing out their spiel about people, places, and things. What they won't tell you is that those same people, places, and things are actually you.

All us, in time, will need a source of strength other than our own. Dig a little deeper within yourself, and you'll realize the answers you seek have been there all along.

miz: Winter takes its toll on me...especially this year...it can certainly intensify those dark feelings.

The only thing that gives me mental respite is to do something creative...it is the only way my mind can wander and get lost in something more productive and satisfying. You can do so many activities at home.

I am curious as to why you cannot make "other arrangements" for your Mom so that you can get a small break. Are you in a town that has limited services? Are you unable to let her be in someone else's care? I really wish for you a break from it all...even if it is a short one. I fear for the health of your psyche.
take care,
Lilli

I deal with my depression everyday. Some days, I don't deal and just let it ride out. I just lay there and hardly move and barely speak. It's hard when you got to do it on your own. I think this whole guilt thing has got GO. None of us in this type of situation need to feel guilty for not wanting to deal with it for a while. As a matter of fact, that is our RIGHT. We deserve to do or NOT do anything for ourselves.

Have you looked into adult day cares in your area? i dang near jump in joy when I put my mom on the bus.. on those days.. not an ounce of guilt to be heard or seen.

Best Wishes
Kelley