Does anyone else deal with depression from being a primary caregiver?

three o'clock in the morning and it looks like it's gonna be another sleepless night.

"I want my my life back" is missing on the list

The pediatrist does not do the neuro exam, he is a handsome toe guy, just wanted to make myself clear.

In the cliffhanger we will star a friendly pediatrist and who ever passes the neurological exam gets a rose..

Here's a song title for use at the close of the TV series inspired by a pic on my wall.

"I am Going To Catalina In My Mind"

Oh and you guy are cracking me up with the Show titles.
Group hug from here too.

OOOhps. How IS it that they know exactly what they have-even if they haven't seen it in years? I swear mine takes "mental inventory"-and the very thing I throw out, thinking she has no idea is the one she asks for, and then goes into a complete freak out. This includes food in the freezer a year or more old.
And yes I know what a Moo Moo is-unfortunately.

Some other nights could be titled
"All My Siblings"
"Who's Afraid of Mommy Dearest?"
"Edge of Insanity"
"The Young and The Borderline"
"The Guiding F.O.G."
"Another World, The Untold Story"
"One Life To Lose"
"Days of My Former Life"
"No Hope For Tomorrow"
"Search For My Life"
"Our Private Hell"
"Desperate Caregivers"

I need to add "where's my purse" and "I'm so nervous, I feel weak and shaky" and add "diarreha" to the cliff hanger!

Ok, I tried to post on the new reality show we are going to produce, starring my mommy. It is called "Lost Wallet" followed by "Lost Keys" and "Credit Cards that were never issued" The cliff hanger is called "Throwup". Your posts had me tearing up. We are all in this together. Group hug. Shelley Anne

nins,

The book which hit the nerve of being spousified for me is Silently Seduced: When Parents Make their Children Partners -Understanding Covert Incest By Kenneth M. Adams, Ph.D.. It so described my own experience far better than the book The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life by Dr. Patricia Love.

Hi all,
Thanks crow and dede. I had never thought about this before, (not having $$ for therapy) but YES. In my case I also became the "spouse" after my parents divorced when I was 7. Then at 21 I got out of the state and made my own life-only to be back in the same situation now. I struggle hard against it, try to separate myself and claim who I have become, but she is relentless, and now that she has me here with her fantasy or sickness in place once again is trying to draw energy to live forever!!!!!!!!!!!I think the only glitch for HER is that I'm not participating-which is causing an enormous amount of resentment in her.
This new thread is giving me a lot to think about.

Dede,

I don't know how many times I've seen the needy enslaving spouse surprise everyone by living on as your mother has after their spouse dies. My MIL is a perfect example of this. I hope that move turns out well and can understand the lack of movitation and energy to plan it all, etc.

Pirate Gal, It is now going on 11 years for me as well. I thought she wouldn't last after my dad died because he had been her slave for so long, she wouldn't be able to deal without him, but since I replaced her old slave, I guess she will last forever.... We are now in the process of moving to another state. We've done this before and I have alsways been able to handle it (since she, of couse, moves too), but I am having a really hard time handling everything this time. I just don't have the energy or motivation to do all the planning, etc. I will, I have to for my families sake, but I wish that I was just doing it for my family and didn't have to include her in this AGAIN! The only good thing is that we will be moving back to the state where I grew up and she has some friends there, so maybe...... I'll have some respite once this is all over!

I take my depression to my therapist weekly and I take my anti-depresent everyday, plus in two more weeks I'll see a new psychitrist who will hopefuly change my medicine.

I'm learning there are many aspects to this depression. I my own case as someone with bipolar II, this situational depression increases the depths of my bipolar mood swings down. It gets itensified with anger that surfaces with un faced before issues from my childhood memory. In my case, I'm not talking about just my elderly mother who is 78 and spousified me as a little boy when she divorced my dad when I was 3 and continuing this emotional instrusive engulfment even after she remarried when I was 12; plus her successful attempts to ice my dad, (now 85), out of my life which has been sealed by my wicked witch of the west needy but domineering step-mother. Don't even let me get started about my dad or step dad for I've got some issues with them too. All of which I used Microsoft movie maker the other night to express in film the feelings that now feel so raw and at their worse my skin feels as sensitive as someone who has no skin. I will take my 18 minute movie to my therapist on Tuesday for when I can't actually say my emotions to begin with, he fully understands what I'm saying through making a short movie.

it is just difficult, and who do you hand it of to?

RachelDevin:

What an excellent view of this whole troublesome business of caretaking. You have in a few words boiled it down to the bottom line, what we all wrestle with whether our relative has COPD or OCPD. The sense of futility and the resultant depression, the sense of aloneness and the resultant hopelessness, the sense of feeling trapped with no escape, these are all real to everyone of us here...but instead of dwelling on the bad you have give us all a direction to go to mitigate some of the negative feelings...'pretending' that all is well is a mind game, that when I can get my mind to cooperate, actually works and gives me a sense of respite. Granted it never lasts long, but even scant relief is better than none. And about coming back here, I was truly at my wits end when I came here a few days ago, strictly by accident and it has been so helpful in helping me with the processing of the abberant feelings associated with care giving. Bless you for being here and being an encouragement to all of us. I hope I can give you something back in return....

Tom

nins BIG BIG BIG BEAR hug....we know what you are going through...believe me.

Ted...I have often tried to think of it that way as well. We are the better person. And yes there will be an end one day...no one is immortal...remember that!

Nins, i don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. The simple fact that you are doing this, caring for the person who hurts you most, puts you miles above the type of person she is. I think if you can somehow come to grips with the idea that you are a stronger, better person than the one who trys to hurt you, you might find that that true strength can protect you from the slings and arrows. i guess what I'm saying is that I know you can rise above it all. Will you?

nins,

Indeed being raised by a parent with NPD or BPD blasts our sense of personal boundaries because of their intrusive personalities which does impact our decisions. I hear your pain of being trapped as an adult back in the painful, abusive environment where you were trapped as a child and worked so hard to escpae from. I'll be praying for some sulution to this delimma.

nins you have a lot on your plate, and that is a freaking long time, although I Look back and it has been ten years for us. It will end, and you have done the right thing.

Crowe and all;
In answer to your question about my mother and my divorce:actually no. I managed to get away (3,500 miles) for many years. My divorce was for a number of reasons, although one could perhaps say that my choice in marrying this man has a lot to do with the fact that I didn't have the ability to choose well because I was raised by this NPD nutcase.
I am frustrated and angry because I managed to get away and resurrect myself from my awful and abusive childhood, raise 3 wonderful kids-and now I'm right back where I started, living with this sick and mean person. Now that I am here all her so called friends are disappeaing because over the years they have been getting sick of being used, and I am left holding the bag AND being blamed for "taking her friends away".
I used to get calls from people I hardly knew asking me to "do something-we can't and don't want to deal with her anymore".
I can't seem to find any way, either through the Social Service System, nor the Legal System to improve the situation. So now I have to go downstairs and look at the basket of her walker, in which she stores and hides old food, watch her pick toast off the floor and eat it etc.
When will it end?

Ted and Dede...wow I don't feel so alone anymore when I think of you folks...it makes things much more tolerable to feel like I am not the only one going through 'punishment'. After my dad died my mom's guilt trip went like this "...blah blah blah...oh these few years I have left". I had to do her every bidding....well 3 years went by...5 years went by ...8 years went by..then 10 year mark came and went by..now its ELEVEN YEARS....and she's still around to torture me in a now different way. All these years of fighting and bickering but nah she did not care...I am the built in slave. So I know what you folks think when you say when is it going to end. I often think she will outlive me due to the stress induced illness and depression she produces in me. It's tough to keep saying every day..come on get up you have to be a survivor, you have to keep your head up and get over it, you have to keep going...whew! It's almost like a workout of life. I often then think of other people who have parents that are no like this and are sweet and thoughtful and bake cookies yadda yadda yadda. The children's picture book of every old lady - grandma so to speak old person. I want to be that type of old lady that teaches little kids on how to bake christmas cookies and how the plants and flowers grow. May the Gods help me on that one...wink!

Crowmag, thanks for the comment. We are kind of a team on project "mother's mind" but yes ultimately it is up to me, and I would like to hide behind his behind, but that aint gonna happen. We are doing ok, it's a b---- and he listens. Loved the article on slow grief. If I cry anymore I will have to have my contacts removed from my eyes by a trained professional.

Ok, group, my husband and I figure it would be less expensive to put my mom on a ship. They have doctors and beds. We could come visit.

I'm ready to get on Bobbie's yacht too....anywhere but here! Sign me up! :)

Tom

Yep. I often wonder who I'm going to be when I get through the other side of this. Certainly not the same man I was going in, or even what a natural progression would have matured me into. My carreer has ended, money is gone, social circles stopped fitting a while ago. I have a completely different, and far less cheery outlook on all things. Talk about a 'life interupted'!

Wow, Ted! I really understand what you mean. I was okay for a few years, and I listened to what everyone said about letting the hurtful words and actions roll off my back, but it has just gone on too long. It has worn me so thin and I also wonder "Why is this taking so long". I have visions of me being 80 years old and still having to deal with her and her drama and depression and bowel movements and brain tumors (imagined) and all. I really wonder when I am going to be free so that I can enjoy the rest of MY life!

When I first took mom back from the Home (because I couldn't stand her crying when I called everyday), I honestly believed I was bringing her home to die. Thought it would be about 6-8 months at the most. So I went through a little process for those first months, the shock of her condition, figuiring out and accepting my new role, the adjustment to the new relationship. Around 6 months in, I learned, or accepted, that I was not really playing the SON anymore, but the caregiver. That seemed to protect me from the hurt that she was throwing around for a while. But it was still painful to set aside our lifelong relationship to protect my sanity. It felt like I was abandoning her yet again. It's now been thre years since I brought her back and she's stronger than ever. I got her off those awful pills that made her no better than a street junkie, and I was able to maintain for a good couple of years. But now it's wearing me down. I was not, am not, prepared for this prolonged grief thing while trying to maintain the mindset that protected me from the emotional avalanche I face everyday. In short, the denial I was employing to dodge the pain, until the time came that I could put aside the constant responsibility and relax and hurt and grieve as I should, is wearing very thin. Then add the guilt when I think "It shouldn't be taking this long!" and all that follows that, well.....

PirateGal - I'm with you on the vacation thing. I think mine will be Hawaii!! As far as the bowel thing goes, what I have to hear about constantly is her diarrahea, even as we are eating or at a restaurant, etc... It is obviously nauseating! Mine is not necessarily the checkbook, but everything. I had her out yesterday and as she got in the car, she said "Where is my purse?" She has said this everytime she gets in the car, anywhere we go for years. It drives me crazy, "It's in your lap, you crazy old biddy!!" Even if we get in and out of the car 6 times, it will be the same question EVERY time.
You and Nims and I definitely have the same mother. I can't and will never understand why these evil people are still living. It it is only to torment us, then the last ten have been enough. She has been awful my whole, but since my dad died.. it is progressly worse. I understand the whole "giving in" just to shut her up. That's what my dad did, and I guess that is what I have always done. I'm getting much better at saying no, but the constant phone calls, telling me how mean I am, etc... I guess it's hard to get used to the fact that I will not "kiss her a**" anymore. When I say no to her or talk back to her, she asks me who is putting these ideas in my head, because I've never been like this before. I have told her, that it is she who has done this to me, she has destroyed the happy person that I used to be and what is left is this overworked and stressed out shell of the woman I once was!
It's way too early for a glass of wine, so guess I'll get some coffee!