Does anyone else deal with depression from being a primary caregiver?

Oh man when it is over, I am going on a long awaited vacation even if it is a mini 3 day cruise. I have been trapped for so long, I can't even go to the store without finding a zillion messages one right after another on my voicemail. One left minute after minute. "Where are you...blah blah blah blah"...where are you...on and on."

Having been the primary care giver for my Mom-even as she had to be put in a facility-has played havoc on my life...\\I forgot about me-and my health-and became involved in what was happening to my mom...and how I could make her ADL as best as possible...I gradually became worn down..perhaps inwardly depressed and aggitated over the situation. I think that it possible could have even taken a toll on my marraige.

Now it will be almost 2 years Mom has passed from complication of Alzheimer's....I still am reaching out-and I try to be there for many....Caregiving can have a profound affect on many.

By the way this has been quite an enlightening thread.

Good luck to all who are still on their caregiving journey--and know that depression and other health issues are a possibility, but can be delt with.

Hap

Nins...yep these N's are too much...my mom has a big mouth around me and when we go to the doc's office sits there quiet, then I have to hear a million medical questions, upon I SHOUT back at her...I AM NOT A DOCTOR! Just attention getting balloney. I guess she figured out today I was not going to waste my time at work listening to her consistently whining about not having a bowel movement, but like I said yesterday I found one so LARGE that I was afraid to flush that it was going to back up. Thank Gawd it didn't !!!!!!!!! She keeps saying if I put her in a retirement home she will die...nope I think everyone around her will die! She's has the kind of annoyance that is like sand paper against the brain. One reason she had my dad so whipped was her abrasive whining and yammering, where you can't stand it anymore and give in. I told him so many times to stand up to her. And I do stand up to her, sometimes I find I give in, just to shut her up, but in many cases I stand up to her. Geezus I never want to be an old bitty like that.

Sounds like a few pages right out of the book, Running with Scissors

nins,
just curious, but did your mother contribute to your divorce?

shelleyanne,

We husbands are good for situations like your's, but for some of us there is a part of the journey of dealing with mom that only the daughter can and must do which my wife had to do once I refused to let her hide behind my behind and fight her battle for her.

Sewing scissors, were they pinking?

hopefully not in the toilet where I found all the socks today. I mean that in a good way, oh wait, no I I don't.

HA! I think it's wherever my mom's teeth are this time!

Ted, dude, I am giving you a hug. Can you find my mothers checkbook?

Thanx, guys. I just had the best laugh I've had in a while just reading this stuff! Seriously, tears in my eyes and all! I don't have any Friends in the situation that we're in, and the people I do know who are caregivers are always, (and I count myself) sooo serious about the whole thing. You really have lightened my load a good bit today. Perhaps, as well as giving eachother virtual hugs, we can but each other virtual rounds of wine every now and then. CHEERS!

My mothers sister is in a home because she attacked the Doc with her sewing scissors--I'm going to tell my mom that she is welcome to join her! Then they can talk about the 1920's together at nauseum.

It is easier having my husband, and you are right my 94 year old mommy does respond better to men (and he's cute!) My sister does nothing to contribute and that is a PITA, but now I found this site, Thank God! My mom is busy looking for her check book for the 75th time today. Enjoy your wine. Hope it's a good vintage.

...realizing that its only mid afternoon on the west coast, (and not caring) I am scuttling over to pour a glass of wine too.

I often think that if I had a hubby (I'm divorced) that mother would be somewhat more controllable-if only because she thinks that she's still attractive to ANY man out there.
LOL

Thank you both for the vent. It helps, my mom isn't quite that bad, but she can be difficult, ok she can be real mean. My husband and I play good cop bad cop, he is the good cop, and I have a glass of wine!

Pirate-
You might want to add
your experience to the person who just wrote on another thread (just now) about her 94 year old mom.
Sounds like she's another one of US.

Ooh yeah yeah. Why oh why the bowel stories? And if I say I have a headache she has a brain tumor. That is, its always about her. Mine has a ridiculous sum in her checking, but won't part with a dime. Refuses to help me financially even though I take care of the house, garden, walk and feed her dog etc. And I actually own the house-which she has trashed.
Can't evict her though unless she first signs a rental, agreement which she won't- and then doesn't pay.
I am going to have to get on that NPD website-though it won't get rid of the real problem, which is HER.
All of this strife is so against my nature-I don't want to live like this, always having to fight to be treated decently and with respect. I am so tired of it.
Thanks for the hug pirategirl.

Yes, yep it's like that...except she's not as powerful anymore but still has ways to manipulate me. She's a master at it, cause that's what she has done for a lifetime. I have to keep reminding myself to go back to the NPD websites (narcissitic personality disorder) and re-check myself again. Her obnoxious continous phone calls of her constipation is like chinese water torture on and on and on and on. Yesterday she tried to insist on me getting money out of the bank just to put it into another banks checking...she's been doing this for so many years the checking account has boocoo and I told her I am not going to do it anymore cause it's insane! My cousin's g/f was always going on and on about how I should move in and he would chime in as well..stating that they did the same with his father. Well his father whom was an unbearable drunk warmed up and changed when he became old so he was tolerable even though he was fixated on sending check upon check to every friging charity or what have you. I told my cousin you have to put a stop to that, but he never did but he ended up having a heartattack at the kitchen table over his stack of checks he thought he had to write to all the schemes and that was the end of that. Neither one of them tried to understand the mental instability of my mother or how it was always there through childhood. Untill I finally blew up at her nosey insisting face one day when they came roaring over without a word insisting she needed a doctor...oh yeah a year ago she was dying as well...*all fake mentall baloney that they bought into and I knew better. Well since that day I am glad to say I see not a hide nor hair of neither one of them and my cousin's mom now realizes my mom is off, and that's her sister.

I am glad you shared your story of how you wish you never got entangled with your jailer.....cause that's how I feel imprisoned even from afar.

Pirategal-keep to the resolution! Moving in with my Mother was the absolute worst decision I have made in my lifetime. Our mothers sound like twins-and take it from me, you don't want to be living with that person.
I cannot imagine what I could have been thinking; should have just left her in rehab after her breaking a hip and let some other sucker take care of the witch.
My health is declining, I have aged 5 years in 1 year, I have torn a shoulder picking her up off the floor.....need I go on?
Don't get me wrong, I think its wonderful that so many of you caregivers have such a loving relationship with those you care for-but the toxic ones (wish I'd remembered HOW toxic) can't be rehabilitate and don't for a minute think they will suddenly have a revalation. Mine thinks I'm still 3 years old and that she owns my every thought and action-and then metes out "punishment" when I don't "get in line". Swear to God, the woman sits there at tries to tell me what she wants done by pointing (like a queen)-then gets nasty when I calmly object. Yeeech.

This is nuts that are parents are doing this to us....damn do we deserve this. I think this is torture to the utmost especially if it goes on for years and years. That is why I never moved in with my mom after my dad died...she would have loved that a built in slave. That's the whole reason why I escaped in the first place. I was never treated like family but like a stranger. I could not wait to get out. I always thought that when my mother needed it that she was so ill I would move in and I thought almost I needed to do that last year when she went a little mental...but glad I decided not to...for the 4 weeks I was on Family Leave seeing her we fought constantly she still had a lot of power...now 6 months later a little less power but still that mouth can flap and flap and flap. Still cannot bear to move in with her she is overbearing and controlling master of quilt complexes and manipulation and nutz and un-educated about a lot of things and has things all twisted in her mind of how life should revolve around her. I can't stand it I hate it, I do the best I can to make sure her house is clean, she has food and she has some caregivers, but the mental hell is the worst.

Yes, oh yes, oh yes. But my depression is morphing into what I've heard called- HYPERVIGILENCE. This is usually a sympton of Post-truamatic stress, but for some reason, I am becoming overly concerned, anxious etc. with everything. the down-side is that after a certain point, I hit a wall and begin to feel as though it doesn't matter at all what I do. Keeping a balanced mindset about the whole situation is becoming harder and harder.

Crowmagnum is very wise and over the last few days I've learned more from him than I thought possible! Having been through most of this himself and made it out the other side, I listen closely to what he has to say. Doesn't make it easier for me to do... but does make me think carefully about my choices and how to deal with things.

Miz:
I understand the feeling of wanting to have some space to call your own and needing to get out...yikes, I'd be like a caged animal after a week of what you are going through. I struggle with the guilt when I can't be there for mom too. I am slowly learning that feeling guilty about doing what I need to for me is wrong. You have to take care of yourself before you are any good to anyone else. I try to remember to remind myself of that when I am having a good time away from mom. I hope that helps...

Tom

Gardening has helped mom and me like you wouldn't believe. I've even started my very own garden in my own yard.

Hi All! I am a 55 year old woman who is taking care of my 94 year old very demanding mother, what's not to be depressed about? I have a great husband who helps, but let's face it, it sucks. I love her, but it sucks and I get depressed, get out move around, That's all I know.

CROWEMAGNUM you are very wise

Dede,

I don't think this forum would allow me to express myself with the freedom I'd like to about your mom in light of what she did to your first marriage and is trying her d_ best on your second.

My not having a very good day at all, plus I'm almost feeling angry for you over this as well as how much it reminds me of various parts of history, it's very difficult for me to even be civil right now much less much of a refelective listener other than you say this much, "right you are d--- right to pay attention to you and your husband's children and to your husband for you're married to him not ya mama" I'm certain you are paying your children much more attention that she ever did you and you're a better wife to him than your mother was to your dad. That's eating her alive and I'd let her stew in for she made her bed, so let her sleep in it!

Sandy - whenever I tell my mom that I can't do something for or with her because I'm doing something with my "kids", I get the snotty little "Oh, your kids... is that all you ever think about is your kids?" She has even told me that I should be her first priority not "my kids".
Crowe-she hated my first husband and she hates my current husband, - she was a big part of the reason I divorced the first time. She hates my husband cuz he doesn't "kiss her ***" and has outright told me I should divorce him. She says he doesn't treat me nice and she has never seen him be nice to me. That is only because we are so stressed when she is around that none of us can be nice to each other since we are always anticipating which of our next words or actions are going to "set her off".
Sandy - makes me anxious too. Just typing this is making my heart beat harder and causing me to get short of breath. I always used to calm and upbeat, but 10 years of this has caused me to be anxious and depressed.

What an elderly parent "needs" vs what they "want" is addressesed in the Book Boundaries in Marriage. My grandmother wanted my mother to leave her second husband and come live with her as an older woman. My mother wanted me and my wife to move to the town where she lives once I went on disability into a city with a housing depression vs where we are now and still are better off economically. My wife's mother would love for me and my BIL to drop dead or leave so she could have her two girls all to herself whom she never wanted to get married anyhow.

Dedestock, your statement saying "She doesn't need me around all the time, she just 'wants' me around all the time", hits home. Same with my Mom. She told me once that she didn't want to read, do crafts, visit anyone, watch TV, go anywhere. I told her that I didn't have time to stay 24-7. She said, "Well, if you don't have your kids, then who do you have." I told you I couldn't answer that because my sisters and I have husbands and kids and jobs. She would love for one of us to leave our spouse, get an apartment and let her live with us. Nothing doing! Makes me anxious just thinking of it.