Since my brother doesn't help out much with mom's care and I'm doing most of the work, if his son (my nephew ) gets married, I 'm thinking of not attending. If there are occasions to celebrate for my brother, I might skip that too.
Has anyone actually done such things??
You are a fast learner.
Don't feel guilty for just thoughts. Everyone has them. Reject those thoughts, do not dwell on them, and yes, do take the high road.
Anyway, my point is: EXPRESS YOURSELF. Be your own advocate. Find the right time to have those difficult conversations. Describe all of your daily activities (keep a journal of them for future reference). Let your brother know that you're the one wiping her ass, bathing her, dressing her, changing her, taxiing her to doctors, maintaining her world, her comforts, her needs, in lieu of your own.
Finally - and this is off topic a bit - after my mother passed away and my brother began pressuring me to sell, sell, sell her house (again, he did NOTHING), I ended up having a heart attack! That's right. I had put all of my energy and attention into caring for my mother, followed by the pressure/stress of selling her house, that it literally caused me to have a heart attack. So, be good to yourself.
But he isn't causing you stress. He is only failing to try to alleviate the stress that comes from handling your mother's care, which in any case he might not be able to do even if he did try harder. The stress comes from your mother's situation, not from him.
Solve the right problem.
I would not spend time thinking up plots to punish your brother. If your nephew is a young child, why would you be daydreaming about something that will probably not happen for a decade or more?
I’m glad you spoke with your brother. But if Mom has aides, what are you looking for him to do?
Finally I had a tearful talk with both of them. Sister stepped up considerably, and I feel closer to her than ever. Brother- not so much. He resented that I wanted anything from him. He actually said to me - Look I talk to Mummy every two weeks if she picks up the phone, I didn't know I had to check on you too"....
Well, I decided right then and there I didn't want or need his brand of "support". He's also pissed that my mom is going to her cottage in less than a week, and that's his turf. He will have to look over things with her.
It's sad how these situations can tear families apart. I don't know what will become of my relationship with my brother. Time will tell.
So that's my long way of saying I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!
I just added my story to this thread. My brother was MIA, as well.
You need to tell your brother exactly what you need from him. Be specific. Men don't do well with hints...be direct. If he still does not provide support, then just accept it because you cannot change him.
You don't need them!
My friends are my family now.
The word revenge is a little harsh. Do you know this nephew well? If not, then I wouldn't attend if ur not comfortable. Send a nice gift and card.
Anyway, we talked to my brother yesterday about excatly how we wanted his help. Let's see if he comes through ........
Thank you all
Are you close to your nephew? Your SIL? If you had no quarrel with your brother would you be looking forward to going? Would there be family and family friends there you would enjoy seeing, you know the ones you only tend to see now that everyone is older, at events? Would your mom want you to go or expect you to represent her? We invite some people and attend these extended family events for various reasons, to support our nephew (in this case) and or our sibling, to connect with extended family and sometimes simply because it's "the right thing to do". The type of event might even come into play, is it going to be a big wedding with lots of people you haven't seen in while, old home week or a small intimate ceremony where your absence might be noticed more or wanted less by your brother? In the end really it's about relationships and timing and I would encourage you when the time comes to carefully consider the reasons for going and the reasons not to before deciding what is best for you and if it were me, my nephew.
I know what it's like to have sibs go MIA when the going gets tough. Taking that anger out on their kids is kinda childish.
If it makes you feel better, do it. Likely your sib won't even notice.
Then 2nd generations? They are far less likely to care or be involved in a grandparent's care. Love them and just let the sibs be jerks, nothing to do about them.
Do you want to
Ruin their day? - will they notice you're not there, particularly?
Make your feelings plain to your brother?- will he even understand that you've stayed away in protest?
Make your brother do more to support you? - wouldn't it be better to tell him what you want him to do?
I have to tell you that I am now estranged from all of my siblings; and sadly this did mean missing my niece's wedding - though she made it easier for me by having it in Provence, in France, which put it totally out of my budget and meant I didn't have to say a word about "will never willingly put myself in a confined space with your mother." I sent her a modest present and my very best wishes and I'm sure no one got hurt at all.
But this isn't about "revenge" and it certainly isn't about trying to make my siblings do anything in particular; it's about recognising that our relationships are so damaged and painful to all concerned that there's nothing to salvage.
If you have previously had a good (or even a so-so) relationship with your brother, and for you it's more the case that you're fuming and seething about his lack of input - SPEAK TO HIM! What would you like him to do?
But, having said that, I do understand how you feel. My husband’s family has shown no support in the 6 years since he’s been disabled. A few even showed hostility. I’ve already told my son, who is trying in vain to get the “family” back together, that if he has a get-together with them, I will not attend. However, if a niece or nephew has a celebratory occasion, I will send a card and a small gift. A co-worker likes to say, “be the better person.” And, she’s right.