My mother lived with me for 3.5 years before I had to place her in an assisted living/memory care facility. Every time I visit she asks at least 5 times when can she come to live with me. Some days she doesn't remember that she lived here that long. Every time I tell her that she has to stay where she is until I retire from my job.
With the holidays a few months away, I'm trying to decide what to do about them. Do I risk her being more upset and depressed by bringing her home for dinner and gifts for Christmas, or plan on having the festivities with her at her apartment?
I'm leaning towards spending the time with her at her place, but was curious as to how other people handle this.
My mother talks the talk of "family" but in reality? Parties with the whole clan make her so anxious. And she always gets hurt b/c there is NO WAY you can corral 75 people into one place on the same day. We stopped the Christmas party 2 years after I just lost it---tried to make it perfect for mother and a flu bug wiped out half the family. That couldn't be helped. Mother acted like I was the one who made everyone sick--and I was the one who had schlepped all the stuff through literally 2 feet of snow...for HER to have the party.
Consider other people, too. I personally would not love the idea of being packed in a tiny apartment with my relatives for the sake of trying to make mom happy.
What we do is just make sure each family member head takes the time during the month of December to get their families to Mother's apt and spend about 1/2 hour with her. That way she can see the littles, nobody gets overwhelmed and she can actually "visit" with each family.
The nursing home had several events for Christmas, including some for family, which some of us attended with Mother. We held a family party in one of the community rooms after Christmas but before the tree was taken down. It was a pot luck with many of Mother's favorite foods. We brought gifts to donate for bingo prizes and Mother was proud to see the big box we took to the activities office. Some added a little cash to her personal spending account, to help with her hairdresser fees. She really didn't need gifts.
We did something similar for her birthdays, on a smaller scale. And sometimes for no occasion at all us sisters would bring in a nice tablecloth and dishes, pick up chow mien, and have a special lunch with her.
She never entered our homes after she lived in the NH.
Since my grandmother moved into a nursing home at 92 years old, my aunts and uncles rarely take her out. They have decided it is a lot easier to host functions at the nursing home. They have a room you can rent out. We bring the food and all the family goes there for a couple of hours.
And I will check with the facility to see what they have planned. I did eat Easter dinner with them all in the dining hall, and went for a manicure and mimosa event for Mother's day.
Luckily I can still take mom out to see plays and musical performances and a light lunch or dinner, those are things we did while she was still living with me, and she enjoys them.
I agree that celebrating at her home seems the best course of action, you mention an apartment so it really is her little home and makes it an easier decision, unlike places where there really is no option for a private family gathering.
It makes the news every year.
And they are volunteers.
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