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Since your mother says she hates Christmas I see no reason to feel you have to include her. Have you and your brother visit the weekend before. Bring gifts and treats. Take her out to eat if you can handle that. There! You have celebrated the holiday with her.
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My mom is now 98 and I wish I could anticipate more Christmas's with her..........she may last longer than me at this rate. I only WISH we could have one more Christmas with her at our home. She is now confined to a nursing home and is pretty much immobile.... just to have her for dinner, or gift opening, to smell the ham cooking or the Christmas scent I have simmering on the stove.....just to have Dad here again to take pictures of every move we made, (please put it back in the box again and take it out....."I missed it the 1st time!") He died at Christmas and we buried him on their 59th wedding anniversary...........just left of a snowbank...)) I treasure the memories.
(LOTZ of them in black and white pictures!!!)
I remember having feelings of being left out when I was younger because they often went to my brothers' home in Ind. We were in WI. Then, as they grew older, they started having "church folks" (without families around) to their home instead of trying to travel in WI (or IN winters). People weren't meant to "be alone" at Christmas so they opened theirs. The ham was fragrant at HER house now. About this time, both of our boys were in MI with families of their own (and trees, and church programs, and neighborhood gatherings.) They came home, eventually, but not on the 25th. We learned to grow up and remember the 25 was just a number.......it was that they came at all that made a difference. They always stopped to see Grandma (2 of them for awhile)..........They were brought up to know the importance of a loving family and what joy old folks (yes, us now) took in the attention, seeing pictures of their homes, and seeing babies and toddlers And, yep, as long as dad could click a picture, he did. He'd even take pictures of the license plate.........one from WI, one from IN and 2 from MI.
I know I resented my mom for making plans and either choosing to go to my brothers or have her church family over. It had always been "our" time.

I'm that mother now.

In all practicality, it isn't realistic to be going to MI for us anymore. Our kids are still in MI and they do come.....eventually. They have kids in church activities, other family near-by and enjoy their OWN tree and traditions. Would I be that mom the letter writer didn't seem to have time for? You bet (!) I rather everything be like it used to be! !!!! My way.
Someday, that writer will see an empty chair, or wish mom was there to catch a special moment. It took my dad's passing to realize how horribly I had been resenting mom for not adhering to MY expectations of how the holidays would go.
Have mom over. If not for days, try hours. If she is in assisted living, find some time in the day to share a meal with her. It's a nominal fee and you BOTH will feel the love.(unless the narcissim was hereditary and you feel she imposed on YOU!) She'll love it and someday you'll be glad she got a chance to enjoy what you seemingly are too selfish to share. Look back and see HER in your Christmas photos!
Can you imagine what she would be feeling if she felt she was too much an imposition for you to be "obligated" to include her? My grandchildren LOVE seeing the Great Gram's and hearing the old stories (we have one less to share with them this year.) Can you even imagine, even a self-centered mother, not wanting to make the holidays special for you? What did she deprive you of that you would be this mean-spirited? Getting even because she didn't ask YOUR permission to be near family?
I hope you get a mirror for Christmas.......take a REAL good look and wonder if that person could actually be too busy to include mom. You have an obligation to teach and show YOUR children what you felt YOU missed out on.
I am older and wiser...... no-longer mad at mom for the "inconvenience" I perceived. Hopefully, you can grow up too, before you look back and there is someone missing from the pictures from your holiday memories!
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helenb63 Nov 2021
We will almost certainly have Mum with us and are not too busy for her and don't resent her being there. Saying we don't have time for her is just ridiculous, as we spend hours every week with her and run her life for her. We are not being selfish, just trying to achieve balance and fairness, but I accept that many people (fortunately) can't understand what it's like to have a relationship like ours. How I'll feel when she is gone is unknown, but not the question at hand. I don't think you can apply what happened to one family to anyone else's, and harsh judgements don't help on a supposed support forum.
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Everyone on this forum who says they are caring for a loved one, when the loved one is living outside of their home, are not really caring for a loved one. The people who work at the facility, where your loved one is living, are caring for your loved one.

Lets be honest. There is an astronomical difference with having loved ones at your home 24/7, to having them live outside with outside care 24/7. I don't think I need to explain the difference.
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CarlaCB Nov 2021
There are as many variations of caregiving as there are people doing it. More in fact, because it changes over time even for one individual. Even if the senior lives in a facility, there's sometimes a lot expected or required from family members, such as paying bills, dealing with insurance, shopping for clothes and toiletries, and overseeing the day to day comfort and wellbeing of the person. Not to mention being on call constantly in case the person the person is sick or has a fall, or can't find their dentures or isn't happy with the food. My point is that you don't have to be living with the person to be made responsible for many aspects of their care. This is especially true if you were the main person caring for the senior before they entered the facility. They may continue to demand your constant attention, even if their material needs are being cared for by the facility.

I recall one daughter's story from a few years back. Both parents were in a facility, but demanded that she bring them home cooked meals every day, and stay to help her father eat since he couldn't feed himself. From what I've heard, it's rare that a facility truly provides for all the person's needs, and even rarer for a senior to be content with what the facility provides and not expect family members to be on call to provide whatever the facility does not.
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I feel that's a rather sweeping over simplification, Shuffle. Caring comes in an immense variety of forms, and just as one example I never noticed that my cousin, whose mother had advanced Parkinson's and was living in residential care, was any less stressed or had her hands any less full than I did. She may not have been woken in the night as often but I doubt she slept much better.

She certainly did not care for her mother one jot less than I did.
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shuffle Nov 2021
I understand the emotional care involved like worrying for them, but being exposed to a negative toxic environment 24/7, does take a great toll on a person. When at home with you, it is a greater responsibility, their total well being is on you, all of it is on you. It might entail dealing with incontinence, cleaning up after them, dealing with their difficult behavior daily. Their meds, the appointments, dealing with their doctor, their emotions over everything, the cooking, the cleaning, the outbursts, their obsessive behavior and then don't forget your own life, etc. Everything that happens is pretty much on these forums. When they are living in an assisted facility the difference is you are not there 24/7 doing it all.
And when you visit them, you are coming from a different place, emotionally and physically, it is more of a social get together. They may ask you for something, yes, or you may feel obligated to bring something.

My husband's mother was in a facility. They took care of everything. There might be an occasional phone call looking for approval for something, but he did not have to do anything. And when we did visit all her needs were taken care of, everything. Therefor our visits were pleasant.
So I'm confused how you can say it's the same.
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Here's another angle Shuffle;
LO not living with their caregiver but...

Caregiver on call 24/7 for emergencies, many falls, financies, shopping, deliveries, arranging cleaning, cooking, transport, medical appts, social outings & daily aides.

Many parents with disabled adult children or sibs caring for sibs live this way. Have full responsibility for every aspect of their LO life.
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shuffle Nov 2021
where are these LO's staying? I guess there are different facilities which do things differently. Where my mil was they did absolutely everything. They had staff there employed purposely for all this. She had a room and ate in the dining hall, where they provided food, because her monthly payment to them included this and everything needed to take care of her. Extra essentials, soaps, shampoos, personal requests, they also obliged, which she paid extra for. And no this was not an expensive posh place. I don't understand, if they live in a home that provides all this, why are you paying, if you have to do it all?
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