Do I have to rush to my mother's side when she's dying? I don't want to. Too scared.
My mom's doctor just called to tell me that my mother's latest blood test results are very worrisome. She has a UTI - the 6th one in 10 months. Every other time, they gave her oral antibiotics and they did not work, so we called 911 and whisked her off to the ER. She stayed in the hospital for a week each time - one time with septic shock in the ICU. They brought her back with IV antibiotics and fluids, but she has had a very limited quality of life and the UTIs keep happening and the cycle continues. She is 85. She told me the other day that she will not go back to the hospital under any circumstances, which I fully understand and respect. Yet she refuses to admit that the alternative is she will die. She never will. She will receive hospice services at home now, though she has no idea. She is pretty out of it. I'm scared and not sure how to go about my daily life with this constant massive knot in my stomach. I have to do something besides worry about her, right?? Silly question, I know. On top of it, people keep telling me I should be there a lot, but I'm getting more scared to go. I see her 2-3 times a week and lately she has not engaged at all and even asked me to please go and let her rest alone. So it's not like she's asking for me. People say "be gentle with yourself," and to me this means not forcing myself to see her die. She has incredible aides who will see her through this. I'm not saying I refuse to go right now, but I think when they tell me "it's time," I might not be able to go through with that experience and I don't want to feel obligated to. She would not want me to be traumatized more than I have been already.
For my Mom, when Hospice told me Mom had only 48 hours left, I decided to stay with her because in the past she didn't like to be alone. Mom was pretty much in a coma state for the past week, but for me I was glad I was there.
For my Dad, when Hospice said it would be quickly, next thing I knew Dad was in a coma state, I told Dad I loved him and that it was ok for him to join Mom, etc. I believe my Dad waited until I wasn't in the building when he passed as he didn't want me to view his death. So don't be surprise if you do visit that your Mom waits until you leave.
My advice is do what you feel you can. I think it's probably the right thing to continue regular visits even when they don't seem particularly responsive. But, you can only do so much and it's ok to be scared of the process. I think your hospice may be able to help you with some counseling resources as well so that you are more prepared. The fact is that you have arranged great care for your mother and at some point we have to accept that we just do the best we can. I hope you feel strong enough to continue being there for her but if it is too much to bear, you can't beat yourself up over it. You can't be a comfort to her if you are falling apart.
I don't like to give fear power because when we give in to fear, it grows in strength. My brother was afraid to go to a funeral. He avoided it until he was 70 years old. He even missed his mother-in-law's funeral (he'd been married 29 years) because of his fear. Now he's been to a funeral and he survived. Was he scared? I'm sure he was. I'm scared every time I go to a funeral. But I go.
So do what feels right, but if your reluctance to be with your mom is fear-based, please challenge that fear and what it's about. We're all going to die, it's a part of the circle of life. It's sad and scary and can be uplifting and full of grace and spirit. Please consider that part too. Sharing that journey with a loved one can be a very powerful, emotional experience. {Hugs}
You don't have to be there when she dies if it is so painful. Many times the loved one will actually wait till they are alone before they pass. Visit if you can and share final thoughts with Mom, tell her you love her and that she is free to go and you will be OK going forward although you will miss her and never forget,
She is entering her final stages and it is usual for a loved one to with draw and prefer no visitors and stop eating or drinking. it is the loved ones way of prearing for their final journey.
During this time they may recieve spiritual visitors, often loved ones who have gone before or just friendly people they have never met. I personally believe these are visiting angels comming to prepare for the passing and who will guide them when the time comes.
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