Due to the great help on this site, I finally, at age 48, established boundaries with my father, 85 with parkinsons/ dementia /lifelong narcissism, and my 83 year old mom, who was always emotionally abusive to me and has terrible arthritis. She continues to pretend she can care for my dad at home (although she does have night help). Yesterday, I broke my own rules (which I've learned through this forum) and went to see them alone. From the second I walked in, I knew it was a bad idea. My dad got frozen in place, and couldn't move forward. I was watching as his legs trembled and stood ready to break his fall. My mom wasn't around, which is common. He finally got going and my mom appeared. As I laid out the food, my dad starting pounding the table. My mom screamed from the kitchen, where she was hobbling around, "Stop it, right now You're being a pain in the ass." I just looked at her and calmly said, "This is ridiculous. I can't believe he's living here." Then she yelled at me, "Then just don't come around anymore if you can't handle it. This is reality." I should have walked out then, but didn't. As we "ate," i.e. my dad can't really chew yet has a binge eating disorder due to growing up in poverty, I asked my mom for her social security number because I wanted to set her up on the online healthcare portal system of her doctor. I'm allegedly their POA. She hasn't seen a doctor in years, and her memory is seriously, seriously not good. I've accepted we're in dementia territory or, if we're lucky, maybe she just needs an antidepressent (which she doesn't believe in). Her previous doctor retired, so I said, "Let me make an appointment for you. Do you want a female doctor or a male doctor?" And she jumped down my throat and said she'll ask her friends who they see. She's been saying that for two years. Then my dad decides he's still hungry so my mom says, "Let me get you some cheese." She hobbles away to get it and when she returns, I said, "Remember, dad shouldn't be eating cheese." And she said, under her breath but I heard it (I just hope my dad didn't), "Let him eat what he wants. The sooner he dies the better off I'll be." Ouch. I get she may think that. It's normal to think that. But does she have to say it out loud in front of me and my dad? I stayed and fixed their tv and computer, then when I left, she was sitting at the kitchen table stewing in misery. My dad asked how my sister was, and I said, "I don't know. She doesn't call me because she's too busy drowning in misery." My mom said, "Oh you have it all figured out, don't you? I guess your sister and I just have it all wrong because we live in reality." I said, "Reality is what you tell yourself it is in your head." Then I added, "Believe it or not, mom. I say these things and try to get you to a doctor because I love you." And she rolled her eyes. Ouch. I left. My question is - do I take her up on that offer to not go by anymore? And do I make her a doctor's appointment? She needs an antidepressent at the very least. I can call the doctor ahead of time with my concerns. I was thinking I'd write my mom a letter with the date and time of the appointment and the doctor's number so she can cancel it, along with one line like, "I hate to see you suffer so much. Please talk to a doctor about your mood."
Really, can she be expected to be a smiling ray of sunshine scattering flower petals all over the place while singing 'Zippedy-Do-Dah'?
Secondly, are you a psychiatrist? If the answer is 'no' then you're really qualified to decide whether or not someone needs an anti-depressant. Your mother has a miserable and depressing life. "Meds" can't fix that. She's also from the 'stand by your man' generation. People their age stayed in miserable marriages.
Thirdly, if my grown child ever approached me and suggested I see a doctor about my "mood", he'd get a slap in the face from me. Then his father would probably give him one too.
You do not do the caregiving for your father, or your mother. So you really have no right to suggest anti-depressants for your mom's "mood".
I want you to put yourself in your mother's place for a minute. You're a care slave. How would you react if your adult child suggests see a doctor for your "mood"? I don't imagine you'd be very pleased.
Don't overstep and make a doctor's appointment for her. If you really want to help, get a sitter for your father one afternoon and take her out to lunch. Then ask her how can you help.
Tell her plainly, that you will listen to complaining, but you will listen to concerns and that you want to help. If you don't want to, don't offer to.
If your mother takes you seriously she will open up and let you help. If she doesn't want to, don't force it.
Many times out elders have to learn the hard way about accepting help. They have to have change forced on them because someone has a fall or an accident.
Their stubbornness and denial is not your fault. If she doesn't want help from you, then you can't give it.
So I'm printing a retraction.
'Tell her plainly that you will NOT listen to complaining, but you will listen to concerns and that you want to help'.
AC needs to put back the edit option.
(Ventingisback)
To have parents that YOU have to parent is awful, in so many ways. Sounds like you are the only adult in this triangle of fun. I'm so sorry.
Do you usually take someone else along with you when you visit? That probably helps a little?
IF you want to pursue getting your mom a new PCP, then it wouldn't hurt to send a note along to the Drs office, stating your concerns, etc., in case mom actually GOES to see the dr.
I've found that Drs are generally appreciative of any extra 'eyes on the scene' as far as difficult patients. Your mom could probably gaslight any dr she meets. Go ahead with the 'letter' and do let them know you have PoA. YOU can communicate with the Dr., whether they will loop you into the care or not is up to them and their dedication to the HIPPA laws.
Sounds like dad needs to be in care. Mom isn't able to do a good job, and frankly, she's probably making it worse. Can you help facilitate that move?
Mom needs a full psych workup, and probably meds too, but as you said, she won't take them--so as hopeful as you may be, I wouldn't hold my breath on that.
Maybe just 'fix' what you can. Try to get dad to a place that's better for him.
Help mom to get a new doc and hopefully she will 'behave'. AD's can really help the elderly.
But at some point, maybe you DO need to step completely away. That's a hard call to make.
Good Luck on this journey. At least, you know you are not alone in this. Pretty much all of us on this site have aging parent issues.
I agree!
Adding my comment:
That would be really funny if someone on the forum says, “Actually I have no issues at all. My parents are so cooperative. And all emergencies have gone so smoothly. None of my caregiving took up much of my time. Everything just worked out so well.”
….But that kind of talk is normally from the one who dumped it all on another family member.
1. Your mom isn’t depressed. Anyone in her situation would be unhappy. Imagine she takes a pill? Then what? All the other problems are still there. DH who can’t walk well, chew well, etc.
2. Your mom doesn’t need AD. By the way, AD isn’t innocent without any side-effects.
3. What your parents need are solutions to the actual problems.
4. You said you have POA. If possible, hire in-home caregivers. Lie: tell them APS contacted you, and if you (POA) don’t hire help, you (POA) (or if you prefer you can say mom/dad) will get into big trouble by APS.
5. Your mom’s memory problems are due to dementia starting. Please don’t be in denial. Her memory problems aren’t due to depression. She might be depressed, sure, but she’s also starting to have dementia.
6. She’s not that depressed, since she clearly wants to live. She’s not suicidal. In fact, she just knows her life would be easier without your dad. Right, it wasn’t nice at all for her to say that.
7. She might not want to see a doctor, because she’d afraid you might try to use it against her: get her declared dementia/incompetent in the future, and force her into a facility.
8. As a conclusion: try to hire in-home caregivers, OP.
Don’t ask for permission. She’ll just say no.
Bring some caregivers to the house. I had interviews with potential caregivers at my mom’s house. Eventually, even my mom joined in the interviews to ask questions. Then I let my mom choose which caregivers she liked best.