I received a call from a facility that I was really interested in for my mom. She is 88 and dementia. We have live-in care. This has been going on for 4 years. My dad passed 18 months ago. I think in the long run this may lighten my load, half distance on driving in, no groceries, house maintance issues, giving breaks, no disappointment on sibling not showing up. But then the guilt sets in. How can I move mom from her home? Money will be an issue in a year, but this may put off nursing home/long term care for 2 years if I can stretch it. I have a month to decide. Sometimes watch what you pray for cuz you may get it. I am just sick over all of this.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
do it - you have already been doing enough and if it can lighten your load it is a good thing. Why is it wrong to take care of yourself too? you will visit your mom and still be her advocate - you are not abandoning her.
Helpful Answer (21)

What about seeing if you can accept the place with an initial probationary period of - whatever you can get away with, really - say one to three months?

Generally speaking, if a person is going to need long term care eventually then the earlier you get in there the better. The higher functioning your mother is when she's admitted, the better her chances of settling well and developing meaningful interaction with the staff and other residents.

Best of luck, please let us know what happens.
Helpful Answer (21)

Thank you all for your input. The facility is actually a residential home. No more than 6 women, half the distance I'm currently driving. It doesn't go to medicaid, but neck and neck cost of moms home, plus savings on utilizes, and groceries. Possibly holding us off on nursing home placement for 2 years. I think I have to atleast try it even for a month, otherwise I will never know. My mom sleeps all day in her house. I'm her activity 3 days a week. Today we go for her hair appt. I would still maintain my same routine with her. I just wouldn't have to fix anything. " I hope?.."
Helpful Answer (17)

Seeing your consternation makes me smile---oh, I know it isn't the sympathetic response you may want but my 91-year-old husband told me about two years ago that he didn't want to go into assisted living. I told him that he was already in assisted living. I, a ninety-year-old, was doing his laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping and driving. In a few months, we will move into an independent living facility which makes him unhappy but will take some of the load off me. He would have to go into assisted living or a nursing home if I were not able to take care of most of his needs. I feel empathy for him but no guilt about making this move. Your mother is already in assisted living---just in her own home because of your involvement. Time to think what benefits both of you, not just what plays to her whims. Do I sound too hard-hearted? Life is that way sometimes.
Helpful Answer (16)

Occasionally, we need to put our guilt in the back pocket. Your list indicates that life will be much better if Mom goes into a facility. But, if I understand correctly what you’re saying, this opportunity may disappear if you wait? Or it will become a problem if you admit her now? How about consulting an Elder Law Attorney and finding out how you can budget and perhaps file for Medicaid.
Helpful Answer (14)

Ihave1now, you never know, your Mom might perk up being around people from her own generation, plus the activities :) There will be an adjustment, so set aside any guilt you have. Just think of it as Mom needing a higher level of care. I wouldn't be surprised if her live-in caregiver is exhausted doing the work of 3 shifts per day.

My Dad moved into senior living and was happy as a clam. He said he wished he would have done that years ago, instead of living in his house and having around the clock caregivers. Dad had me sell his house, and the equity would have given him numerous years of living in Assisted Living/Memory Care.

One problem, the downsizing can be very difficult for an elder. For my Dad he just walked away from the house with his 200 books and some furniture, and never looked back, but I realize that isn't the norm. Dad called his room his college dorm room :)

My Dad moved a couple years ago in January, thus he got a really good deal on his senior apartment as Dad didn't mind moving in the snow. And how he loved that discount.

Now, if your Mom can budget this, maybe her caregiver could schedule to be at the Assisted Living mornings until your Mom gets use to the place. Dad did that, gave him a nice routine.
Helpful Answer (14)

No matter how you do it, this is hard. In a perfect world, elders would recognize what is best for them and the rest of the family. And there are a few who do that, and they "downsize" their stuff, and get prepared.

But, of course, in many cases, that does not happen. So, we have to do it. To get her out of her house and into the home, you need to rely on the advice and expertise of professionals. For us this is a one-time event. For them it is a routine.

I had advice from the director of the Area Agency on Aging and the very competent staff of the home. Here is what happened...

We actually "tricked" my mother into going. I invited her for lunch and the lunch was at the home. About six staff members sat with us for lunch, with my husband and I closest to the door--they did this very skillfully. After lunch I told my mother that my husband and I would be leaving and she would not. Needless to say, she fell apart.

We left. And eventually, 5 weeks or so, she adjusted. She had her little dog with her. Since that time, about four years this May, she has slowly but steadily gone down hill and is now in the memory care unit.

Was this easy to do? No!  for me doing something like this was UNTHINKABLE!!!!!!!!  But that's because I was still in" dutiful child" mode.  I needed to "woman up" and get into "dutiful adult" mode.   It took all the courage I had and I relied on the words of the director of the AAOA:  "She will adjust."  

Was it important to do! Absolutely!!!!! My mom could not live alone anymore, couldn't drive, was extremely pig-headed, and I could not take care of her and my husband, who was very sick. Thieves were beginning to circle around her money. She needed care and protection.

Good luck, let us know how it goes.
Helpful Answer (14)

Do it, Ihave1now. Don’t hesitate. 

My mom unwisely clung to her home. 40+ years of deferred maintenance and....

Mom could barely navigate the steps.

Hadn’t used shower/bath for 6 years cuz she was too proud/paranoid/whatever to let someone into her home to adapt the bathroom for elder safety (she certainly had the $).

Used the stove as a filing cabinet and only ate microwave food.

Many, many falls.

Could no longer write legibly, yet had a gazillion bills to pay every month. (Don’t even mention online bill paying. Mom firmly believed that “that internet” was the work of Satan.)

And so much more. All of it heartbreaking and infuriating. Mom had decent assets AND long-term care insurance.

But Mom would not leverage any of these resources when the time was right. The only resource Mom was willing to leverage was ME.

Interspersed with belligerent out bursts of I’M FINE I’M FINE.

She wore me down. She wore me out.

And voila, Mom’s unsafe living environment was her undoing. Her last fall was her LAST fall.

The postal carrier noticed that mail was piling up. Postal carrier called the police to do a welfare check. I’m 35 miles away (where I live) running errands, and my cell phone starts blowing up. A string of unfamiliar & unidentifed numbers. Turned out to be the police, the EMS and the coroner.

Get your mother into care while you have this opening. P*ss her off, risk the hard feelings, whatever it takes.

At this stage of the game, it’s nothing but feel-bad moments for the adult child. Might as well feel bad AND have your Mom be safe.

Big hugs. These years suck.

Keep coming back to AC Forum for support. We understand. We’re here for you.
Helpful Answer (11)

Your inner guidance lead to you to that facility...the fact that you are "really interested" tells me that it's time...follow your intuition...
You may feel guilty at first, yet remember she's not going to get better...
And you will have the extra help to care for her...

All the best to you sister!
Helpful Answer (10)

wow, every comment spot-on valuable.
all i can add is that my parents never fully acclimated - as rare and LOVELY and UNinstitutional the IL facility was. they were just deeply rooted homebodies and never forgot their home and neighbor.
i regret taking them from their home, but they would have needed much help, which mom vehemently resisted.
well, long story, short - i think my parents were outside the norm - and that senior living is a no-brainer for the majority. it is made hard for us baby-boomers, as our parents' parents did not need to do this, so we feel guilt in doing something that we and they never thought was ever going to happen.
Helpful Answer (8)

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter