Do I or don't I? How can I move mom from her home?

do it - you have already been doing enough and if it can lighten your load it is a good thing. Why is it wrong to take care of yourself too? you will visit your mom and still be her advocate - you are not abandoning her.

What about seeing if you can accept the place with an initial probationary period of - whatever you can get away with, really - say one to three months?

Generally speaking, if a person is going to need long term care eventually then the earlier you get in there the better. The higher functioning your mother is when she's admitted, the better her chances of settling well and developing meaningful interaction with the staff and other residents.

Best of luck, please let us know what happens.

Occasionally, we need to put our guilt in the back pocket. Your list indicates that life will be much better if Mom goes into a facility. But, if I understand correctly what you’re saying, this opportunity may disappear if you wait? Or it will become a problem if you admit her now? How about consulting an Elder Law Attorney and finding out how you can budget and perhaps file for Medicaid.

Ihave1now, you never know, your Mom might perk up being around people from her own generation, plus the activities :) There will be an adjustment, so set aside any guilt you have. Just think of it as Mom needing a higher level of care. I wouldn't be surprised if her live-in caregiver is exhausted doing the work of 3 shifts per day.

My Dad moved into senior living and was happy as a clam. He said he wished he would have done that years ago, instead of living in his house and having around the clock caregivers. Dad had me sell his house, and the equity would have given him numerous years of living in Assisted Living/Memory Care.

One problem, the downsizing can be very difficult for an elder. For my Dad he just walked away from the house with his 200 books and some furniture, and never looked back, but I realize that isn't the norm. Dad called his room his college dorm room :)

My Dad moved a couple years ago in January, thus he got a really good deal on his senior apartment as Dad didn't mind moving in the snow. And how he loved that discount.

Now, if your Mom can budget this, maybe her caregiver could schedule to be at the Assisted Living mornings until your Mom gets use to the place. Dad did that, gave him a nice routine.

Thank you all for your input. The facility is actually a residential home. No more than 6 women, half the distance I'm currently driving. It doesn't go to medicaid, but neck and neck cost of moms home, plus savings on utilizes, and groceries. Possibly holding us off on nursing home placement for 2 years. I think I have to atleast try it even for a month, otherwise I will never know. My mom sleeps all day in her house. I'm her activity 3 days a week. Today we go for her hair appt. I would still maintain my same routine with her. I just wouldn't have to fix anything. " I hope?.."

Thank you all for your input. The facility is actually a residential home. No more than 6 women, half the distance I'm currently driving. It doesn't go to medicaid, but neck and neck cost of moms home, plus savings on utilizes, and groceries. Possibly holding us off on nursing home placement for 2 years. I think I have to atleast try it even for a month, otherwise I will never know. My mom sleeps all day in her house. I'm her activity 3 days a week. Today we go for her hair appt. I would still maintain my same routine with her. I just wouldn't have to fix anything. " I hope?.."

Do it. I have found AL care for my mom to be awesome. Check it out well. Some things I looked for were a private room, cleanliness, adequate staff, low turn over of staff, bright, cheerful, caring, activity, good food, doctor visits, full time nurses.

No matter how you do it, this is hard. In a perfect world, elders would recognize what is best for them and the rest of the family. And there are a few who do that, and they "downsize" their stuff, and get prepared.

But, of course, in many cases, that does not happen. So, we have to do it. To get her out of her house and into the home, you need to rely on the advice and expertise of professionals. For us this is a one-time event. For them it is a routine.

I had advice from the director of the Area Agency on Aging and the very competent staff of the home. Here is what happened...

We actually "tricked" my mother into going. I invited her for lunch and the lunch was at the home. About six staff members sat with us for lunch, with my husband and I closest to the door--they did this very skillfully. After lunch I told my mother that my husband and I would be leaving and she would not. Needless to say, she fell apart.

We left. And eventually, 5 weeks or so, she adjusted. She had her little dog with her. Since that time, about four years this May, she has slowly but steadily gone down hill and is now in the memory care unit.

Was this easy to do? No!  for me doing something like this was UNTHINKABLE!!!!!!!!  But that's because I was still in" dutiful child" mode.  I needed to "woman up" and get into "dutiful adult" mode.   It took all the courage I had and I relied on the words of the director of the AAOA:  "She will adjust."  

Was it important to do! Absolutely!!!!! My mom could not live alone anymore, couldn't drive, was extremely pig-headed, and I could not take care of her and my husband, who was very sick. Thieves were beginning to circle around her money. She needed care and protection.

Good luck, let us know how it goes.

Your inner guidance lead to you to that facility...the fact that you are "really interested" tells me that it's time...follow your intuition...
You may feel guilty at first, yet remember she's not going to get better...
And you will have the extra help to care for her...

All the best to you sister!

wow, every comment spot-on valuable.
all i can add is that my parents never fully acclimated - as rare and LOVELY and UNinstitutional the IL facility was. they were just deeply rooted homebodies and never forgot their home and neighbor.
i regret taking them from their home, but they would have needed much help, which mom vehemently resisted.
well, long story, short - i think my parents were outside the norm - and that senior living is a no-brainer for the majority. it is made hard for us baby-boomers, as our parents' parents did not need to do this, so we feel guilt in doing something that we and they never thought was ever going to happen.

Both of my parents are in an Adult Family Home with four other residents, total of six, counting my parents. I don't regret putting them there at all. They are less than five minutes away from me now, and the home takes care of everything. I see them at least twice a week and bring them home for supper occasionally. My Dad told me that he feels at home there and gets good care.

Guilt will set in at different times, in different strengths, no matter if she is in a nursing home or if you are trying to take care of her in her home. As caregivers, we have the tendency to think we need to do more than we are doing already, so you might as well accept a dose of guilt, yet take care of your own health at the same time.

Place her in a nursing home now.
When her funds run out, you can apply to have Medicaid take those payments over. You will worry less and many of your responsibilities will be taken over by the facility. And when you visit her, you can actually spend quality time with her rather than worry about what you need to accomplish while there.

I will tell you from my own experience that if you wait longer to move her into a nursing or memory care facility, it will be harder for her to adjust.

I waited 3-5 years longer than necessary, wanting to have Mom in in a familiar environment and with her family (my husband and I). After being in a great nursing/memory home for now 9 months, Mom is having a hard time adjusting, since in dementia her old habits will always win over the newer environment.

The sooner she can create and adjust to new habits, the better for her.

Do it....there will always be some type of guilt. I learned in a support group "get rid of the should have, would have and could have." There comes a point when our health begins to take its toll. I wish my mom didn't have Parkinson's disease and Dementia but I know her issues were becoming my issues. It was effecting my household and health. You can request a week respite stay. Be sure to take her bedspread, a few pictures and small items to make it look homey.

I have my dad in the same type of care home and he complains about everything, every time I see him. Then I talk to the staff and other residents and I get an entirely different story. He wants me to feel guilty and think he is miserable when in fact he is doing well. He keeps telling me he is moving, I have a couple of posts, which at 1st Oh no what to do? Now I just say that I'll miss you. It is still up in the air, he says he's leaving, driving himself in a uhaul back to his old stomping grounds, 2/14. I think I'll plan our weekly outing for the 15th or 16th. Anyway I did not mean to get side tracked, my point being, always talk to others in the home about how your LO is getting by, she like my dad may want to live some place else but, is quite happy were they are. I signed him up for the in home care and the doctors, lab, xray et AL come right to him, which has been a huge lightening of the load for me. I pray she finds peace at the home for your peace of mind. Good luck and God bless you for all you do for her and what you did for your dad.

Do it, Ihave1now. Don’t hesitate. 

My mom unwisely clung to her home. 40+ years of deferred maintenance and....

Mom could barely navigate the steps.

Hadn’t used shower/bath for 6 years cuz she was too proud/paranoid/whatever to let someone into her home to adapt the bathroom for elder safety (she certainly had the $).

Used the stove as a filing cabinet and only ate microwave food.

Many, many falls.

Could no longer write legibly, yet had a gazillion bills to pay every month. (Don’t even mention online bill paying. Mom firmly believed that “that internet” was the work of Satan.)

And so much more. All of it heartbreaking and infuriating. Mom had decent assets AND long-term care insurance.

But Mom would not leverage any of these resources when the time was right. The only resource Mom was willing to leverage was ME.

Interspersed with belligerent out bursts of I’M FINE I’M FINE.

She wore me down. She wore me out.

And voila, Mom’s unsafe living environment was her undoing. Her last fall was her LAST fall.

The postal carrier noticed that mail was piling up. Postal carrier called the police to do a welfare check. I’m 35 miles away (where I live) running errands, and my cell phone starts blowing up. A string of unfamiliar & unidentifed numbers. Turned out to be the police, the EMS and the coroner.

Get your mother into care while you have this opening. P*ss her off, risk the hard feelings, whatever it takes.

At this stage of the game, it’s nothing but feel-bad moments for the adult child. Might as well feel bad AND have your Mom be safe.

Big hugs. These years suck.

Keep coming back to AC Forum for support. We understand. We’re here for you.

Seeing your consternation makes me smile---oh, I know it isn't the sympathetic response you may want but my 91-year-old husband told me about two years ago that he didn't want to go into assisted living. I told him that he was already in assisted living. I, a ninety-year-old, was doing his laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping and driving. In a few months, we will move into an independent living facility which makes him unhappy but will take some of the load off me. He would have to go into assisted living or a nursing home if I were not able to take care of most of his needs. I feel empathy for him but no guilt about making this move. Your mother is already in assisted living---just in her own home because of your involvement. Time to think what benefits both of you, not just what plays to her whims. Do I sound too hard-hearted? Life is that way sometimes.

I can tell you I am glad I moved my mother to AL before dementia progressed. She wasn't happy but she adjusted and she knew the routines and staff before things started going down hill. The longer you wait, the harder the adjustment. Now my mother gets upset if I move a soap dish three inches. I helped my mother in her house for 16 years before moving her. She had some mental illness so it was initially difficult to sort out dementia from her usual behavior. Guilt is a normal feeling. It doesn't mean you are doing wrong, just that you want to do right.

Wow BlackHole! Your post should make most people who are wavering about making this move think long and hard! Although not as drastic, but certainly had the potential to be deadly - Just days before we had scheduled to move a recalcitrant mother, she injured her leg and did not have enough sense to have it checked or tell one of us (her neighbor told me.) It was cellulitis and could have killed her if left untreated! This delayed her move a few days, and gave one brother excuse to write up a "letter" from the hospital social services that she needed to move where we chose or they would move her to a place of their choosing (she, like Salisbury's mom, lived alone, couldn't drive. In addition, she kicked out the caregivers we hired one hour/day AND was adamant to the end and beyond that she was FINE and INDEPENDENT and could cook!) That letter annoyed the hell out of her, but she reluctantly went and spent the next 9 months trying to get my younger brother to take her back to the condo. It's been a little more than a year now, and several months ago the requests to take her back have focused on a previous (23 years ago) residence and/or a ride to her mother's place (gone about 40 years!)
So, no guilt. As others have noted, sometimes being with peers and/or caregivers who can work magic can draw a person out and get them more involved with activities, which is good. This does not always happen. You say she sleeps all day, except for those activities you provide. This may not change, it may be the stage she is in, however looking at the same 4 walls with nothing really to do or anyone to really "hang" with, maybe she isn't motivated. At least give it a try, and it should be for a few months - just one month may not be enough for transition.
The other benefits are less stress on you, and more time to visit with mom instead of juggling all that other stuff. No guilt, this is not about guilt, it is what is best for everyone involved!

Just do it! Your mother will never get 'better' - so move her while the opportunity presents itself. Why are you guilty? You are doing what is best for her - and YOU.

I don't know where your Mum lives - however Park Lakes in Bargara it, still has a few government placements - just pay from pension ... It is a magnificent facility
Certainly worth visiting and having a chat - they were wonderful when my friend and I went there. Alison

My mom was at home sleeping all day too. Wouldn't get up until 4, would eat the wrong stuff, would fall and wouldn't take a shower more than once a week. Most days she didn't get dressed. Once she had to go to rehab and then stay at nursing home until Medicaid assisted living opened up, she really changed. She was mad as heck, but now she gets up and dressed every single day. Literally the best I've seen her. She is now in assisted living and is much better. Do it.

Took me four months to talk mom into moving and now she loves the place she is in. She loves the fellow residents, the staff, her room. I'm going to have to go through it all again when her long term care money runs out in a year and a half. You're better off not putting it off. My mom says, "oh, the Lord will provide!". I am a very strong believer, but it's actually ME that's providing in this instance.... Mom doesn't want to consider that her actions have consequences for me....

Teri...I had to laugh at your comment "the Lord will provide....but actually it's me providing." In a similar vein, I've noticed that the only people who say, " it will work out," rely on others to do the work.

We moved my MIL to AL 1 week ago. She is 74 and has Alzheimer’s. She was absolutely insistent that she stay in her home alone and refused all help from anyone by my husband and myself (he is an only child). It was to the point that she refused to bathe, wash her hair, change her clothes, or eat anything but junk unless we were with her. We tried to get her to go along with the change, but in the end we had to just take her there, move her furniture and clothing in, and tell her that she was staying. She was upset off and on for 4 days. And then...she suddenly became very happy and thrilled to have friends, good food, and helpful staff around her! We thought any kind of change would take weeks so we are pleasantly surprised!
I see it as making a decision for someone who cannot- as if you are making a choice for a child who cannot understand the situation or ramifications of staying alone.

Money comes and goes. Take yourself and monetary concerns out of the equation and think what’s good for your mom and Do it. That way, you sleep better!

I'm quite surprised by all the comments in support of putting your Mom in a care facility. Maybe I missed something in my reading? When my Mom could no longer care for herself properly; home maintenance ignored, too many bank loans, drinking too much, health issues being ignored, etc. I discussed with her coming to live with me. In my case it was a very difficult decision as my Mom was a 72 year old alcoholic, with no intention of quitting. And the reality is this has been a very difficult 12 years. Yet still, this is my mother, who did not forsake me when I needed help with college, with my sons, with my divorce, with a health issue, etc. In time, I grew to have a comfortable life...and it was with her help. Now, I help her through her hard times. She was a long term cigarette smoker, quit now, but smoked for 60+ years. She suffers from COPD. She is also a long term drinker of all sorts of alcoholic beverages, now limited to 6 drinks throughout the day of wine and beer. No, she does not get drunk anymore. The wine and beer serve to alleviate minor aches and pains from arthritis as she cannot use NSAIDS pain relievers due to Cirrhosis of the liver. At 84 she is entering mild dementia. She gets confused and yes, she complains to me and about me, regularly. This is life. This is family. If you have an extra bedroom, why not take your mother in to live with you? it will not be easy...but it will be the most loving thing you will ever do.

IMBarb; I'm so glad that you have a home that is handicap accessible and large enough for another adult. And that your mom can get all her socialization and medical needs met in your home.

Some of us are not so fortunate and have found that our parents thrived in care centers that are well run.

Caregiving for elders is NOT a one size fits all endeavor!

My mom most decidedly did not want to leave her home in an isolated suburb, no sidewalks and no public transport. She lived at the top of a hill. During an icy trip to her home on slippery, hilly and twisty roads, I spun out and my vehicle was nearly hit by an oncoming truck. When I got to mom's house (fortunately, she was not home), the automatic lock was broken and a tree had fallen on her house.

I took this as a sign from somewhere that the fact that we had moved her into an Independent Living facility the month before had been a good idea.

Mom made friends, joined the Stock Market Club and went to everyone's religious services. There was a geriatrician onsite several times a week; he gave her his cell phone number so she could discuss her BP (which went up and down with a mind of its own) whenever she needed. There was a geriatric psychiatrist who called in; SHE got my mother's anxiety under control and insisted that mom have cognitive testing done, which showed that she had developed MCI, the result of an old stroke that we knew nothing about. This finally put an end to my POA brother claiming that everything wrong with mom was "what she's doing to herself"--having a pity party. Nope. Not.

I'm glad that having your mom living with you continues to work. If it stops working, be assured that good care facilities exist. Do some research now.

IMBabci2 not everyone is cut to be a caregiver. And comparing someone helping you out after a divorce is nothing compared to 24/7 care giving that could go on for many years. An extra bedroom is not the only requirement needed in this case. Not all of us can give up our jobs to care for someone else. Then who will support the caregiver? It is a hard enough decision to make, throwing more guilt on the OP is not necessary.

To be fair, while of course I agree that not everyone is able or, frankly, willing - and why the heck should they be? - to provide 24/7 care in-home, that doesn't mean IMBabci2 isn't right to punt it up there as an option. It IS an option, one that deserves thinking through.

And when you do think it through, for most standard families in our age it isn't going to work for all sorts of practical, financial and sometimes deep-rooted emotional reasons. Still! - that's not the same thing as ruling it out unconsidered.

EmandEm what a brilliant, brilliant response to the "I don't want to be in Assisted Living" argument. Yes indeed, very often the person already is! Love it.

Imb, you might also want to check on the NSaIDs. Acetaminophen is hard on the liver. My understanding is that Ibuprofen is not. Please check that out with mom's doctor.