So, my father (96) was recently diagnosed with stage IV cancer. It's very hard, but I'm slowly coming to terms with it due to his age. The other and more complicated issue is my mother (95). She was the one who I always thought was the one who more had her head on her shoulders and was independent. However, she's completely lost it about how she will be alone and how she won't be able to get anywhere (she stopped driving years ago and my father was the one taking her everywhere), etc. etc. She has macular degeneration so her vision is not that great. She has other health issues but can still get around the house. However, between her and my cousin, they are starting to put the pressure on me to move back home. My mother is on the East Coast and I am in the LA area. I'm 69 years old and retiring in 8 months. My plan was to move to the Southern Sierra about 3 hours north of Los Angeles. So.....do I just trash that idea, move 3000 miles back east? And then when it's over and she's gone....then what? I just pick up and move 3,000 miles back again? It was easy to move around a lot when I was younger but at my age, not so much. So I really feel that if I move back East, that's pretty much it for me. No going back. And I hate it there. I would be more that willing to have my mother come live with me once she's alone, but I know she won't do it. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't want to feel like a horrible person, but at the same time I don't want to end up spending my golden years/last years on the planet 3000 miles away in a place that I hate. I will do what I can for her from here but I really, really, really don't want to uproot myself and my plans for my own [dwindling] future....
As I learned here, your Mom has had her life.
It's time for you to live yours.
"I can't possibly do that!" is a fine answer to your mom.
Offer to help your mom find a place (you can tour Assisted Livings over FaceTime or similar.)
Your mother is 95 , she had her retirement . You deserve to have yours as well . You live where you want to live .
Either Mom goes into assisted living where she is , or by you , those are her choices at this point . She’s the one that is 95 and will need care . You should not be the one to have to move . Don’t have mom live with you either .
She wants you to move in with her and prop up her false independence . Elders should not expect their children to move , uproot their lives , in an attempt to avoid the changes the elder is facing .
Sometimes you have to make decision based on your gut. At close to 70 I'd stick to your original plan.
It appears you have two options. After Dad is gone find her assisted living back east or bring her to the Southern Sierra and find her assisted living in the Southern Sierra. For you it would be easier having her in assisted living in Southern Sierra but if she refuses find her something in her home town while you stay out west(this will be harder for you but many families make this work.)
You've worked hard your entire life and you don't want to be on the east coast. This is not an option.
Her records could be sent to new doctors to review and be up to speed .
Investigate ILs, ALs and Nursing Homes in the area you intend to move to. Mom's needs may change, so visit places with different levels of care.
I like to use the word *may* too, as I feel wrong predicting *will change*. Although at 95..
An elderly man the other week told me his next *real estate* would have a few rose bushes & lovely green grass on top.
I am sorry for this diagnosis but in all honestly a move to a GOOD ALF would afford your mother more loving attention and more activity than you could ever provide. I would make it clear at the get go that this isn't happening. If you enable it at all it WILL happen.
My SIL now is retired. His wife, my daughter will soon. He is a real hiker and and always out walking. They will soon be traveling together. His mother would NOT want this (and she suffers from Wet AMD as well) for him. She would not want him sacrificing some of the most free time in his life to her. I have long made it clear my daughter would NEVER be allowed to do so either. I am sorry your parents haven't made it clear to you that it isn't happening.
As far as the rest of the family I couldn't be less interested in what they all think. You shouldn't be either. Just my own opinion. You are all grown up and your choices will be your own.
I absolve you of that burden your family is trying to put on you.
At their ages, they could literally drop dead at any given moment. My 96 year old aunt was trucking along and one day had a terrible headache and a few hours later was dead from a brain aneurysm.
I did not move back because my only child and grandkids live in the Bay Area. I want to be part of their lives.
Don’t move back because you deserve to have the life you want. . Try to figure out a way to make it work.
Good luck navigating this. It is hard.
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