Do they do it on purpose?

SeaCoast don't worry about your English. You were clear in what you were asking and we could figure it out. Keep posting so we know how you and your dad are doing.

P.S. English was not my best subject

Thank you everyone for you response. I think you all helped me see where he is at and better a understand. I just keep thinking he is getting better. I have already started to look for help for him and me when I need to be away for a long period of time. RebeccaJ, your story is very similar, thank you.

You received some good answers and I cannot really add to them.

However, I want to tell you my experience in case you can see similarities and why it is probably not "on purpose".

In April of this year, I could leave very large signs around the house, that told Mother to do certain things. Like, "when you get up, wash, drink your chocolate drink (Boost) and have a yogurt" -- I'd go over and have lunch with her. If I needed to go away or not be able to eat with her, I could make up meals, leave large messages on them and call her on the phone and walk her through it. Also, I'd call her at different times of the day to tell her to do things, like "take your pills" and she would do it.

But, in mid July, she stopped doing what the signs said. Plus I'd call and say do this or that and she'd say she did. But when I went over to the house (I live across the street) and she hadn't done it. Like she'd swear she washed or taken her pills. But when I got there I check the wash clothe in the bathroom and it was dry as a bone and her pills still in the box.

It was frustrating me so badly because I couldn't figure what I was doing wrong and I was getting upset at her for not following the signs.

However, I went to the local senior day care center and asked them about it and the director told me that while she can read the signs and understand what it says, her brain has gotten to the point that she does not know how to process the sign -- I might as well take down the signs. Her brain does not understand that the sign is directions for her to do something. After learning that I got a little calmer and more understanding and I did take down all the signs.

The same with eating. She'd think she ate. I'd call and ask if she had her chocolate drink and she say so convincingly, "Oh, yes, I drink it every day." But when I went over, no container in the trash and no dirty glass. Now sometimes, trying to walk her through something on the phone works, but usually it doesn't because she'll set down the phone and forget where it is. Then the phone is off the hook and I need to run over.

She doesn't do it on purpose. She truly wants to please me or whomever is assigned that day -- I'm really lucky that my Mother is so good and not nasty or mean -- but her brain just can't work as it should. Dementia is a terrible disease and with my Mother it has progressed so quickly I think. In April, she was great with signs and phone instructions -- now.... So, while yes, I get away during the day, at important times of the day, there must be someone there.
She is fine being alone at night and in the afternoon between meals, but for anything else -- meals, pills -- that she really must do, she can't/doesn't do it and someone must be there.

So, maybe you can find someone to help you. I have a woman (who also cleans her house every other week) come in 3 days a week for 2 hours around lunch time. My one brother takes over Sundays totally. I do all other lunches, pill times and dinner and, of course, the running of the household like laundry, garbage, her animals, etc. It's like running 2 households. But, what else can you do. You love them.

My Mother is 92 and I see your father is not that old, but I hope this helps and hugs to you.

You've gotten some perceptive answers so far.

Does Dad have any cognitive impairments? Did the stroke leave him with any dementia symptoms, for example?

Maybe he was being manipulative in a deliberate way, but I highly doubt it -- especially if he has some cognitive issues.

You have learned, now, that he cannot be left alone all day. Figuring that out, and determining how long he can safely be left alone, if at all, is tricky but important. At no time during the 10 years my husband had dementia could he be left alone all day. But at various stages he could be alone for a few hours (if they didn't include a mealtime), then for shorter periods such as long enough for me to go to the drug store, and then not at all. Judging this is hard. Do the best you can.

You cannot be expected to remain with him 24/7/365 -- not and retain your sanity. So you need to start thinking about your options for having help. For example, if Dad attended an Adult Day Health Program a few days a week, you would have time to do your errands, to pursue your interests,or just to rest. Look into what places (often ALFs or nursing homes) offer respite care for a night or a week. Could Dad afford this? Begin exploring what in-home help is available in your area.

Good luck to you, as you work toward keeping Dad comfortable and safe and retaining your own health and sanity. Come back and post often. Among us, we've been through everything to do with caring for elders!

Maybe he did or maybe he didn't. he might just have felt abandoned and forgot what you had told him so he stayed in the only safe place he knew. I really don't know but whatever the reason you already know you have to make other arrangements. The toddler in him was scared he couldn't find his "mommy"

What did he say when you came in? I doubt he did it on purpose. I think as our parents get older, our concern and in-person prodding keeps them going. I have no doubt that my mom (who's 93) would have died years ago if I wasn't doing everything for her. You're doing a great job with your dad - I'm sorry you had to lose everything to get to this point in your life. Your dad is very lucky to have you. But only you know how he's been his whole life. Does he make you feel guilty if you want to do some things on your own?

As you look around this site, you'll see the recurring theme that you need to take care of yourself. Look for some outside activities you can participate in, so you can rejoin the living. Don't isolate yourself. I had done that with my mom and resolved to get out and meet more people and make more friends. I've done it through meetupdotcom. If I put the url here, they'll strip it out. I've met lots of nice women and a few in my similar circumstances. They have activities around the country organized by individuals. Or start going to church or join some kind of park district group or hobby group. Good luck and keep us posted.

So he can do all those thing unassisted? Or does he always need assistance? I don't know, but I think losing control is a big big thing with these folks. And they will do anything to stay in control, meaning not just themselves but controlling us. But then again, I think another huge factor is fear. Staying in bed is really safe if your not sure what or how to do something. I just wish there was a little pill that would render these folks happy to have people who care about them.

Not necessarily, he may be declining to the point where he needs 24/7 care. Yes, you will need a sitter, or you might look into a nursing home for him. I'm not going to recommend assisted living if he won't get out of bed without assistance. Discuss the events of today with the nurse and his MD