As an example, I frantically moved heaven and earth to get a new nebulizer for my 82 yr old mother, racing between calls to her Dr, nurse, a supplier, a delivered (I don't drive, ms) and got it there in six hours. After all that she said, "I don't know what the big deal was." She would have ended up in the ER. Just a little gratitude?
My parents simply expected me to drop everything to serve them (way before they were old and needed help.) Have you heard the saying, “if wishes and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merrier christmas?” It was near the holidays when I decided to thank myself. Everytime my father would fail to thank me, I would drop a bite-sized candy into a bowl. On days I was particularly distressed, I would have a candy. Ok, this was almost everyday, and my endophins thanked me (and I pretended my waistline did, too.)
Probably not the best substitution, but now that I am no longer caregiving, it makes me more cognizant of gratitude (giving and receiving) and I eat less chocolate.
Do you think it might be partly denial of her failing strength and abilities?
"Thank you so much, dear, you did a good job."
"Huh , that wasn't any big deal"
In her mind, which of those sentences preserves her illusions that she is still independent and runs the show?
I know a couple of elders who don't have the explanation of dementia who say things like, "Well I could have done that myself, you know. Stop interfering." Of course they couldn't have done it themselves, but that is a very, very hard thing to do.
Is she generally congenial except in the gratitude department?
know.
Most of us do things for some kind of appreciation and a show of simple gratitude. I told her my daughter had given me something once and I got mad about it and the hurt look on her face was devastating. I told her I never did that again. She listened intently and then gracefully thanked him that night.
I believe when I personalized it she paid attention. I didn’t give her a hard time about her behavior. I just reflected my experience and it worked.
And now she brags about the rollater and there’s serious status envy where she lives! Only one other person has one at the facility and the sidelooks crack me up!
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