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So my mum cries murder at times when she’s in an irratable mood. When she’s confused she acts out.
At times I need to restrain her which may sound harsh (and quite frankly I hate doing so, it makes me upset) to prevent damage to furniture or the home. As an example,.. she dropped something in the toilet before in her wee! Some old porcelen collectives she had in her pocket. She wanted to grab them out. No problem. I said, I’ll go get a plastic glove and a plastic bag. Upon reaching for them, I said,.. ok now put them in the sink. Not liking the instruction and getting frustrated, she started splashing her wee from the toilet everywhere and also the plastic bag that had been used to retrieve her items. I said stop it, calm down until I was forced to grab her arm tightly and keep it still and say “just let it go”, “stop it”. Now we had wee all over the walls, floor and anything else nearby. This followed by necessary hand washing. I said, let’s take the dirty glove off so we can wash your hands. Well she refused to give the dirty glove screaming like someone was stealing her first born. Eventually when we did manage to take it off, and it was hand washing time, she pumped the soap so much that the sink filled up with bubbles and again she started splashing it everywhere. She knew what she was doing. This wasn’t her confused as to how to wash hands, it was about making things worse (rubbing it in for me daring to give her instructions) and getting a reaction from me, the whole time she kept saying “is that what you want hey”, “is this enough”. This isn’t all dementia, this is part her attitude. Before she came down with dementia, she had drank one night to misery of her sons passing. I get the turmoil she was going through,.. but what happened next was unexpected. I woke up and discovered her in the living room and there was vomit. I comforted her and set out to clean it and had almost got everything done when she all of a sudden came and grabbed the bucket of vomit / cleaning product and threw it back on the floor and over the windows. I actually had to call the ambulance/police at the time as I was frightened about the situation of her state. Anyhow I put it down to an ugly period of time where she had hit rock bottom due to her son's passing and quickly forgave her. Ps she has not drank one drop since apart from maybe a glass on special occasions like Christmas (so she is not an alcoholic). The problem is that she is repeating this behaviour of “wrecking” which at the time I thought was just fuelled by grievance and alcohol. Anyhow,.. I’m feeling really embarrassed when it comes to my neighbours and can hardly face them anymore. I can’t stop thinking how horrible these outburst would sound. It also happens sometimes when I’m dressing her for bed. First she will be completely ok and we’ll take her shirt off to put her pj’s on and suddenly she’ll fling her arms all over yelling “you want to have me naked freezing” “you want me to suffer” “help help”. I’ll try as quickly as possible to hand the pyjama to her or help her put it on and she will rip it off and throw it in the corner and keep going. Now I get dementia patients are really sensitive to cold and so I try and make her room super warm beforehand,.. I try making it as comfortable as possible. I try explain beforehand that we will be exchanging her top etc and the quicker we do it, the sooner it’ll be done and she’ll be under the warm blankets. However sometimes she seems set on just starting something. I personally feel like this is coming from her not wanting me (her daughter) having to assist her. She’s never respected help from younger individuals. Like when choosing a doctor, if they were relatively young, she would say, I’m not taking advice from a youngster who doesn’t know anything. Anyhow I guess I’m just needing to vent, this is really starting to get to me and I also don’t know if I should talk to my neighbours and let them know what’s happening not to alarm them.

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You wrote this back at the end of February: "I work full time which often consist of overtime, I have health issues because like yourself I’ve neglected myself. It’s so hard! I have no other support and I’ve pushed all my friends away as I don’t have time. I mention all the things I do for her and asked her “what does that sound like”? And she admits “carer” and then I say “but I am also working full time to keep myself afloat. I am tired Mum we need help!” But no.... she doesn’t want that. And that’s the hardest part,.. that she refuses to recognise this and would rather burn me to the ground."

Are you still working fulltime? If so, then who is with your mother while you are working?

Has anything changed since you wrote the above 7 months ago? This situation sounds like it's just too much for you to handle. You deserve your own life.
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IMHO the neighbors need to know. They can keep an eye out, will know he is wandering if out alone. They become part of your team.
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Oh Cappuccino42
Not liking the instruction and getting frustrated, she started splashing her wee from the toilet. We had wee all over the walls, floor and anything else nearby.
 
She pumped the soap so much that the sink filled up with bubbles. Again she started splashing it everywhere.
 
Sudden came and grabbed the bucket of vomit / cleaning product and threw it back on the floor and over the windows.
 
Refused to give the dirty glove screaming like someone was stealing her first born.
 
Damage to furniture or the home.
 
Can you make a page of these incidents and place them where you can see them daily as a reminder that something has to change and change immediately. I would also consider counseling. I’m working with one now so that I’ll have support to transition dad whether it be back to his home or the nursing home and of course because of other family challenges. Counseling is wonderful along with the supportive people (which doesn't mean they will tell you what you want to hear) of this website.

I tried to get dad evaluated by a physiatrist due to not sleeping at night and to have less anxiety and we are still trying (with his primary now) to find our way because I would not want this for him wherever he goes and you shouldn't want this for your mom.

You can always try to test the mom and daughter situation (if possible) or just get in a much needed break. My dad is on the waiver program so I can kind of get a break and see the difference on camera. Tomorrow an aid will be here again along with my husband and son on the other side of the home in case help is needed while I attend to myself at a medical appointment.

Anyway, I noticed that when the helper is non-family he does not go over the top and most times is as quiet as a mouse. Let me give you the silly example; I serve a bowl of soup, it is where are my crackers or bread (some sort of side order lol). The aid served the same thing later in the week and it was like do you want water or bread. It was no thanks I’m good. Or I told you I wanted a biscuit, not cornbread.

He also wants me to wait on him when he wants something. The aid ask, and he will say I don't want anything like his reading material but he wants me to go and get it and bring it to him. Sometimes I will and other times, he has to roll and get himself.

What are your wishes? Mom seems to be calling all the shots. I believe as others have said the death of your brother has clouded your emotions. It’s like you could not save your brother so you plan to save your mother.

I don’t see how you will be able to pull off travel with your mother. Stop making promises. I’m so sorry! Please keep posting so that you can get the support you need as well.

Not trying to hijack your post speaking of the challenges of my dad. Just trying to let you know that your theory on the dynamics may be spot on or at least partially
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From all that you've written here, it seems obvious that your mother needs more care than you're capable of giving her in home. Sometimes a mother does not fare well with a daughter doing the caregiving & needs a more structured environment for her day-to-day care and lifestyle. You are not 'going behind her back' by arranging for better care; in fact, you are doing her a service. "Restraining" her as you are and worrying about neighbors possibly interfering is more of a problem than placing her would be. Feeling unable to 'child proof' your rental property is another issue. It sounds like you have more excuses than logical solutions to this issue, and I'm not saying that in a 'mean' sort of way. Look at this from a safety standpoint: mother playing around in urine and vomit, throwing porcelain figures into the toilet, and acting out/screaming on a regular basis; fighting off your helpful caregiving tactics is NOT a good thing for either of you. Feeling responsible for your brother's death is not logical or healthy for you either; you have no say in when God is ready to call another person Home; nobody does. You also have no way to guarantee your mother can fly overseas to see her other son! With dementia at play, such a thing sounds impossible, especially with her behavioral issues to consider!

Have a chat with her doctor and/or ask for a psych evaluation for mom. Medication should be on hand to calm her when necessary. You've taken on a task here that a team of people should be in charge of. One person cannot manage dementia behaviors of this magnitude! Please don't allow guilt to drive your decisions moving forward. Safety should prevail, nothing else.

You can speak to your neighbors, but don't be surprised if they call the police one of these days, especially if mom is crying out in response to you restraining her. Then you'll have a bigger problem on your hands than you already have. Please reconsider this entire situation and allow your mom to be placed so both of you can lead a more relaxed lifestyle in general.

Wishing you the best of luck.
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I mean with with love: stop worrying about cats and neighbors and start actually dealing with your real problems. You and your mother are not a good fit. It is time for placement.
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And thus the reason the cats want nothing to do with her anymore as you already know. Time is coming to start getting her placed as this will only get worse. It will be better for her and you.
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There is medication out there that Mom can be given. Her outbursts are not good for her either. She needs to be seen by a Neurologist and labs run. You need to know what type of Dementia she has so she is given the correct meds. You can never promise with this desease. It gets to the point you will not be able to care for her and she will have no idea where she is anyway.

If she is ever in the hospital, this is where you get her evaluated. Ask for a neurological consult. If they find her care is 24/7, this is when you make the decision to place her. If she can afford it MC, if not Longterm care with Medicaid paying.
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I am sure the neighbors are well aware that she has dementia.

You need to step back and try to not let these incidents escalate.
You will never "win" an argument with a person that has dementia.
(by the way wrap a rubber band around the pump part of the soap dispenser so it can not be depressed all the way this limits the amount of soap that can be pumped out)
Go with her to the bathroom and monitor her. That way you can make sure she is cleaning her self properly and make sure she is not putting things down the toilet that should not go there. figurines would not have flushed but socks, hand towels, excess amounts of toilet paper, wipes (flushable or not) can be flushed and clog toilets.
If she starts getting upset when you try getting her into pj's let her sleep in her clothes if that will prevent an outburst.
Pick your battles.
If you are with mom all day it might be time to get a caregiver in to help you out and give you a break. And if it is going to be a continuous battle you might want to consider placing mom in Memory Care. Placing someone in MC is NOT a failure on your part but an understanding that she needs more care than 1 person can manage.
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Cappucino, your mom has dementia, right?

She shoukd no longer be the one "driving the bus", metaphorically speaking. Especially with regards to psychiatric care, especially since it sounds like there was untreated/unacknowleged mental illness in the picture prior to her dementia.

Make an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist, take her to lunch and take her to the appointment.
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Good luck. Calm before the storm. Sadly, these outbursts will become more and more frequent as time goes on.

Time to start looking for placement before you burn out.
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Cappuccino42 Sep 2021
I know, things will get worse. I’m trying to get through covid so that she would have a chance to see her son beforehand at least as they probably won’t let her out of the memory care to travel overseas once she is in. She has a son in a care facility abroad. He is akin to forest gump, a bit different to rest but goes to work etc. They talk over phone and it’s heartbreaking when he asks if he will see her again. I know it makes no sense but I blame myself partly for my other brothers passing as I’m the one that couldn’t get time off work to travel overseas with Mum. He had pneumonia. I should have just insisted to my work that I must travel/escalated it. He was released from the hospital but passed the following week. He had a heart condition that could cause fits. I keep thinking if we’d been there, if I’d let Mum travel on her own (pre-dementia), she would have been there to call the ambulance. I discouraged her to travel due to previous bad experiences getting lost as she speaks hardly any English, missing flight and said, we’d go in a couple months. I feel so extremely guilty for this that I could not face Mum not being able to see her other son again.
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Cappucino, are you familiar with the concept of "child-proofing"?

It seems to me that your mom needs to be in a dementia proof environment. No nick-knacks, no access to things she can fling, spill or ruin. Locked cabinets, cupboards and closets. 24/7 supervision.

It sounds to me as though she would have a better experience if she was in a memory care unit. If you plan to try to keep her at home I would get some aides in and get mom to a geriatric psychiatrist for meds to address her agitation and delusions.
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Cappuccino42 Sep 2021
I try make some things less accessible that I feel might be not good. Unfortunately we live in a rental so I’m limited to modifications I can make but I guess lots of families do have small kids too. I also work full time from home so am home all the time to supervise. As Mum hasn’t wanted to seek help, getting assistance is difficult (reason I’m still working full time too). I keep saying let’s go talk about it and perhaps then I can also drop my hours or become your official carer but she’s not interested. I don’t want to go behind her back either. I know eventually I will have to place her but I’m just not ready to go behind her back for now. She has made me swear to her that I wouldn’t and is still capable of understanding this for now. She still walks with me to the shops, goes to the movies, shops etc. it’s just fascinating how dementia works,.. one minute she can be having a normal conversation and also counting to 35 with perfection or instruct me on words (as our mother tongue is not English). She sometimes reminds me of things I’ve forgotten. Then snap! She is completely in another world if irate or frustrated and all reasoning out the door.
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big hugs to you.
sounds just awful.
personally, i would speak to the neighbours. explain a bit.

as for your mother—
it all sounds very hard, and psychologically damaging towards you. maybe make a big change, go away/low contact? hire help?

as you said, some of this is intentional (not dementia), against you.

i think it’s extremely kind of you to be helping her.
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Cappuccino42 Sep 2021
Thank you. I try and think of myself as helpful but the restraining part is killing me as it makes me feel so awful after. Look most of the time she’s fine, it’s just when she does have an outburst, it can be full on. I do need help, it would be interesting to see how her reactions are towards others. We’ve always had a close relationship and perhaps it’s just too close, where she feels ashamed and then angry. She does apologise at times and when she does, she says, she hates herself :( I always say “I don’t mind helping you as you are my mother and you looked after me, but I just don’t want the lash outs”. She’s able to compute this when she’s relaxed. But all that goes out the door when she’s irate.
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Caregiving is hard, and doesn't really get any easier. Therefore I think the first thing you should do is watch some Teepa Snow videos on YouTube about Positive Caregiving. I've learned a lot about what dementia is, how is affects our LOs and changes their behavior (constantly changing and so must our approach in engaging with them). From your post I perceive you are taking things too personally, as if your mom is knowingly doing what she is doing. She is not. She is no longer the person you knew growing up, to the point of the beginning of her dementia. Please contact her doctor to see if there are meds to lessen her agitation. My Aunt was crying all day and acting out and meds helped her enormously. In your post you speak about how you try to reason with her. She is no longer able to work from reason or logic. Regardless of what "motives" for actions you thought she had when dealing with her in the past, dementia changes all of it. Please educate yourself so that you can both have more peace on a daily basis, and get her to the doctor to see if meds can help (and to check her for a UTI).

Regarding explaining her behaviors to neighbors, yes I'd do that and also maybe inform the police (depending on what country and town you are in). Some people with dementia will call 911 on their caretakers when their delusions of being in danger get the better of them. If your mom is alcoholic, maybe speak to a therapist about how to better deal with it all. May you gain much clarity, wisdom and receive help so you don't burn out.
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Cappuccino42 Sep 2021
Thanks Geaton777, I guess the reason I think she is able to reason to extent is because she is capable of having conversations at other times. Earlier we were both tidying the backyard and before that she was counting the cats breathing and did just fine all the way to 35 (which was the minute of timing). She has also always been a bit explosive reacting to situations. She is not an alcoholic, that was a once off when she was grieving and hit rock bottom. It was more about the reaction of throwing the bucket why I mentioned it as this was pre-dementia. Yes it’s hard to not take it personally but I do feel there is a part of her that does not like being instructed by her daughter. Not because she doesn’t want it but maybe resent that she is in such a situation. I think possibly she gets angry at herself that I am having to help her but lashes out at me. I’ll check out the videos as I’m definitely keen for some tips on how to best navigate things. Showers I’ve managed to make into concert time. She listens to her favourite songs and I heat up the room with a fan heater and heat lamps. To me it’s always too hot but whatever works I guess, hehe. At least during showers she is mainly happy. I’ll try the doctors but so far she hasn’t been interested. She has refused outside help :( sadly I am held hostage by the situation because I won’t go behind her back, I can’t. I know I’ll have to down the track at one point but I’m not ready yet. I’m trying to uphold her wishes.
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