Do you think the helping adult child should get more inheritance?

Yes, they absolutely should, but that seldom happens!
No one seems to understand the financial burden caregivers undertake when they give up so much of their time, earning potential, and finances to take care of Mom and Dad!

It's up to the person with the money, but if the child who helps more doesn't stand up for themselves at least somewhat and allows themselves to be financially ruined, then that's on them.

My dad insisted I be paid for the two months I gave him and my mom 24/7 before he died. He didn't put it in writing, but he told his attorney who also agreed with him. I considered it a privilege to care for my parents, and yes, it was a brutal couple of months, but I felt very uncomfortable with the idea of being paid. However, after my dad's death, the attorney told me sternly that I MUST pay myself (I'm also the trustee) at a comparable rate that a paid caregiver would receive.

I ended up being paid $30,000 for those two months, but it was long before I inherited anything. Four years later, I'm still working on wrapping up my parents' estate and will finally be able to get my inheritance in the next couple of weeks. I have not charged the estate for my trustee work since the first year after Dad died, but I think I've been adequately compensated already.

Money makes people crazy. I'm just glad it's almost over.

They should but they don't. I spent every day with my mother until she lost her fight with colon cancer at 69. I missed a lot of work and a lot of time with my children but I had to be there for her. One of my brothers was with her as much as he could be but nowhere near as much as me. And he didnt sacrifice much other than going to night clubs. My other brother was barely present. He doesnt have kids and as far as I am concerned no good reason for not being around. In the end the estate was divided evenly amongst us. I don't think it was fair but what can you do?

BurntCaregiver: "There's been some talk from her lately about wanting to change it and leave it equally to her grandkids, my sibling, and myself. No way. She cannot legally change it without me though and I will not help her to do this. I told her some time back that I will completely and utterly abandon her if she even tries to make another 'arrangement' with the property behind my back and that I'll hear no more threats of it. Also, if it's changed it's no longer a protected asset from Medicaid. I've earned this place. You earned more too."

Good for you, BurntCaregiver. And I hope that you decide not to share any of your inheritance when the time comes.

My mother made noises at one point that she could change the trust. She didn't have the wherewithal to make an appointment to do that on the phone, and I of course wouldn't have helped in any way (to include driving her to said appointment; I was her sole source of transportation).

Even though she did cajole one of my brothers to drive her to the attorney to change her POA on one of his infrequent trips to visit (I and another brother were taken off the POA), I doubt she would have gotten away with removing me as a beneficiary to the trust.

I am that caregiver. I take my dad to Dialysis three days a week, replenish his groceries. I'm the one he calls when he's got constipation or any other worrisome scary issue. He lives in an independent living facility and has "helpers" there but there are some things that family is just better with which to assist. Since he fell one month after our mother (I'm one of 5 kids) and broke his hip, revealing end-stage kidney disease this has been the setup.

My sister is POA and also local and helps out a lot. My three brothers live scattered around the country and have helped when they've visited, etc.

I would never ever ever in my life expect to get MORE of what Dad leaves behind than my siblings. I LOVE my brothers and sis and he is OUR Dad. I've been blessed to have the opportunity to give back for all the providing Dad (and Mom). I have no idea what total $$ Dad has/will have when he moves on and I don't even care. I choose to focus on the larger reward of providing comfort and joy to my Father.

The helping child definitely deserves more but unless the will/trust prescribes more for their sacrifice, (in Southern terms) they ain’t gonna get it.

Money separates families. Don’t let it do it to yours. Take what you get and continue to love your siblings.

I've seen many on this forum say parents should never have to pay their children for care giving. I agree they should not "have to pay" but paying their children is the only fair way to do it because very few families are able to equally share the burden/privilege of care giving. It can either be done according to legal contracts while the parents are alive if they can afford it or written into the will to be paid after their death per the contracts from whatever is left then if there is a balance it should be distributed according to the parent's wishes. Parent's should always be free to make their own decisions and no child should ever be a caregiver for what they might get after a parent dies. I am trying to convince our sons to let us pay them when they help with their father (or me later). If they don't want to accept it, they can put it in a special savings account to have funds available if they desire to help should we need paid caregivers or a facility. Either way I would consider it theirs to use however they choose now or after our death. This way, the one who does the most gains the most and the remainder will be split equally after our death. Paying your children with a contract can also help satisfy financial qualifications for Medicaid or VA benefits later.

As a 24/7 caregiver for their father, I totally appreciate and understand the sacrifice whenever either of our sons help us. They both have very different personalities and talents along with different family, church and career responsibilities that I don't expect them to forego unless we are in the middle of a crisis. Because of all this, we can't possibly treat them equally (except with our love) and I should never expect them to equally be able to provide care giving services to us.

By the way, they are both listed on my POA and HPOA and backups on their father's so they can step in and help should I ever not be able to handle something.

I went through this with my family. It was very hurtful the way my Sister acted. Now that it’s all over she acts like she did half of the caregiving. It has taken me several years to get over the hurt that she could turn her back on my Mother and refused to help me in anyway. I have also developed several medical issues, the amount of stress over those 5 years was unbelievable. I lost the job that I had worked at for 10 years, after being a caregiver for that long plus having a special needs step son I could no longer think straight. I will never forget, she had a few drinks one night and told me that she really enjoyed making me suffer. Not sure if they should get more. I’m sorry let me change my mind on that!! YES I do think since the others would not help the caregiver the caregiver should be compensated in some way. Please don’t misunderstand I loved my Mom and would do it all over again. She also forced me to sell the family farm that our family owned for about 90 years. I have forgave her but also told her I can never forget how they acted amazing what someone will do when placed in that position. .

My brother is quite happy to have me do dad’s caregiving for free. God forbid that he should miss out on a penny when Dad passes. My sister is the opposite. She wants Dad to
pay me for caring for him. Personally I don’t care either way. Just do long as we get equal share at the end. Not holding my breath.

Assisted living at $5000 a month is eating up all my moms money. I personally feel money is my last want in this mess. I am her primary person. She would tell you I do all the work. Money has never been a boat rocker for me so I just do not care. Any money left my brother can have it if he wants it. I just want my retirement back..If she lives with you I would take some room and board money monthly . Outside help is very pricy. You deserve some payment for your work. Good Luck.

As I see it yes but, we know what the true answer is. Sometimes it is not fair for the person who is caring for the sick always gets the bad end of the deal. Life is not fair but, its the way the cookie crumble. Its not fair for your spouse either who has to help care and not get nothing. I notice the pattern and I was stuck caring for both inlaws cause we lived with them. I had no choice and just did it because I thought it was the thing to respect and do. I did it to help my husband out but, after a while, looking over the whole situation I thought hey they have a daughter let her do it cause in the Trust and the Will it seems they gave her everything. My poor husband didnt know until he found out when his dad passed in Jan. His sister almost had it all or maybe she still does. So, I say what about the spouse, what do they get.

Boys get the support; girls get the duties: that’s the world I grew up in, too, and I thot it was on the way out, but maybe not quite yet. <Either get paid for your work, or get a larger inheritance.> ALL kids step up in one way or another! And stop the division of labor along the lines of gender!
I might have considered it a privilege to care for my parents, had they not expected it ONLY from me. ( At one point, I was the only one working and, as the only daughter, you can bet I resented it.)
Essentially you must make the decision that works for YOU. And you must take care of you first!

My husband and two siblings were equal inheritors, but because their sister was the one with whom their mother lived for her last years, the two brothers agreed to give her a larger share. Nice way to do it, all around.

Inheritance is a gift, certainly not an entitlement. If you are taking primary care of your aging relative, you should be POA. In turn, you should be using their funds to pay for their care. Most likely, that’s why they saved that money to begin with. Ask any person over 50 why they have savings, and some of their answer will be, “in case something happens to me and I need help.”
Ask yourself if you’d expect your son or daughter to go broke caring for you. No is the answer. Give yourself permission to use their money! It’s why it’s there!!
If your siblings or anyone else has a problem with it, that’s tough. They can step up, help, and use the money in the same way. It’s what’s fair and just. Losing someone is hard enough. And the person you’re caring for is most likely not themselves, and not in a frame of mind to be logical about decisions at the end of their life. Not only should you be commended for your caring role in their life, you should certainly not be worse off financially if it can be helped. Good luck with everything.

I think, ideally, the helping child should be paid as you go along and the final inheritance should be split evenly. That is your final word to your children and you should tell them you love them equally. Of course, if you're going on Medicaid it might get complicated, consult an expert on how to adequately and legally compensate the helper. I think a will is the wrong place to make distinctions. When you're writing it you don't even know what the final accounts will be. My grandparents, for instance, left a larger portion to my uncle because they lived in Florida as he did and he was looking out for them there. As it happened though, my Grandmother moved to Maryland in her final years to be near my mom, who looked out for her there. She and my dad did the nitty-gritty care work for my grandmother. And as it happens my uncle had passed away by then, so the extra money went to his kids.

I agree, its alot of work and money to help and the one who helps should get the most

This is an awesome question and I'm sure almost every caregiver considers it at one point or another...especially on really tough days.

I moved out of state to move in with my folks and help them age-in-place. My mom is in her fourth year of dementia. I cut back my work hours to less than ten a week after celebrating my 25th anniversary with my employer.

Before expecting a bigger inheritance, I'm trying to figure out how to be compensated while I'm caring for my folks. If I start thinking about who might get what at the end, I know me; that could lead me to feeling resentful and/or keeping a running list of checks-and-balances.

Your question is very practical! I suggest you focus on what will bring you peace of mind. For me, my greater peace comes from knowing I'm doing everything I can to help my folks. This could change but I believe God will provide whatever I need in the future.

He always has.

This question cuts deeply with me. Dad suffered an accident last year which has precipitated the need to step up care for my parents, (mom has dementia and dad was her caregiver). But my sis seems to want nothing to do with it.

Both my sister and I live in the same area as my parents do, but right after the need to step up care happens, my sister announces that she has decided to move across the country. When I raise a fuss she tells me that she can still help remotely, but as soon as I ask for her help she tells me that she is too busy since she has decided to go work for a startup- this even though she does not need to work at all since she and her husband are quite wealthy and he is already retired. Honestly I believe she has some deep seated issues regarding her relationship with my parents because she also shirked her responsibilities and temporarily disappeared when mom suffered a stroke 15 years ago.

so I’ve been doing it all- dealing with the long term care insurance, the nursing care company and the schedule, the automotive insurance company, getting my dads car out of repair and figuring out how to sell it, filing for my dads supplemental accident insurance, visiting assisted living facilities, taking them to doctors appointments, activating financial POA’s, taking over my dads finances, dealing with their taxes, and their bank accounts, managing their meds, managing their groceries, necessary clothing items, dealing with their computer and internet and cable issues, and managing necessary repairs to their condo and the insurance coverage for it. and not to mention just spending time with them!

my wife has been so kind and is helping a bit to take some of the stress and burden off of me, but we are also dealing with her aging father at this time.

when my sister told me she couldn’t help, my wife advised me to begin tracking all the hours I spend helping my parents, and it looks like I average around 12 hours a week of helping them EXCLUDING my visits just to see them.

Dad has already said verbally that all the monies from his car sale and supplemental accident insurance should just go to me. However, my parents’ will says everything is to be split equally between me and my sis but I am tempted to just take what I think should be my fair share since I am now controlling my parents finances.

and at this point I never want to have anything ever to do with my sister.

Are you the parent? If “yes, “ I think I would recommend it, if you are “feeling” it.

Are you the adult child? If “yes” — stay away from this topic unless you are asking about your own will. Someone else’s will (even if you are an heir) is not your business until after they pass away.

My parents gave me more. Not because I was their caregiver, but because they were “feeling it.” I didn’t know any of this until after they died.

I was their caregiver. Not because of the will I didn’t know about, but because I was “feeling it.”

I was sued by my siblings over the whole thing and and completely won both (yes 2!) lawsuits.

If you are the child and you feel you should get more if you are a caregiver, you are not really care “giving.”

Make sure you are on their accounts and pay yourself as you would any other creditor. All the better if you can get a letter from your parent stating this is what they want (if they are of sound mind). Keep a weekly spread sheet of how many hours you spent caring for them and what was done, from financial matters to personal care. My opinion is that if you can’t work because you have no help you should not go broke trying to care for your parents. If your sibling doesn’t like it. Tough. They can step up or shut up. That’s what I told mine.

I was the care giving sibling and was added as joint account holder on a small bank account used for household expenses. That account continued to be used for property maintenance while inheritance matters were settled. Otherwise all financial distributions were evenly split among siblings.

My parents made it clear my sibling & I were to pay their bills then split whatever was left half and half. We did that when Dad finally passed last year. I was responsible for more than 3 years for my folks medical care and spending time with them. Our folks were in their home, then assisted living, memory care, then I pulled Dad out to have 24 hour care in an apartment near me. I did so b/c I could quit my job and be available. I’m glad I did, too, yet it really changed me. It’s very easy to lose yourself while trying to manage everything for another. I took calls at anytime day & night as my dad became more and more confused. I was scared, tired, overwhelmed and yet glad I was there- esp. for my dad. We had many very special times together too! My brother can’t understand how difficult it was. I’d tell him things and he’d laugh and say, “Wow, sounds like a real sh&* show!” Alzheimers and cancer wreak absolute havoc on our loved ones, our relationships and test our patience and compassion in innumerable ways. I spent lots of time and money trying to make my parents lives better as they battled their various ailments. Thankfully I could afford it, but many can not. I do believe the member providing most the care should receive more than members not involved so closely. It is but a small compensation for a most generous, yet difficult role that person has fulfilled. God bless those of you who provide that extra care- regardless if you’re financially compensated for it. As tough as it can be and usually is, it’s also an honor & a privilege to see a parent through to the end of their journey❤️

I have 3 siblings. 2 of them are snowbirds so they disappear for 6 months leaving 2 of us to care for mom who has dementia and dad who lives alone, no longer drives and needs care. We have an arrangement that works well. Myself and one brother care for our parents during the winter and spring and the snowbirds look after them during the summer and fall. It works very well. However if you shoulder all the responsibility then you should be compensated. It becomes your job and no one should work for free.

I agree, however there’s no way to “enforce” that belief on family members. So it’s a moot point.

If people want their parents to pay and the parents concede, the parents can go to an elder law attorney with a will modification that deeds x amount per year off the parents’ estate to the caregiving child. This is provided there is no money. If there is, it is better if they just pay you.

Of course! I am biased on this one! My wife & I work full time and always do our best to help my parents. My father suffers from dementia, both parents in their mid 80s. I wish I had a home and the means that could accommodate us all,but my apartment just doesn`t fit the bill. Jobs, doctors appointments, handling their financials, shopping it all takes a toll on my wife and I. One sister lives in Canada, she and her husband have two young adult children, they work full time and made the effort to travel to Florida, helped out for a week, I appreciate the effort & expense. On the other hand my sister in NY and her husband are retired, own a multi-family, collect several pensions, are well-off and have not even bothered to come to Florida to help out. I don`t do this for the money, but how can anyone think the NY sister with hubby should get anything? If anyone has a different perspective please convince me.

Best case? When there are assets, caregivers should be paid for their time and costs with cash or with liens against property. It is extremely unwise to assume that a will that may have been made before care-giving was needed will make up for expenses not reimbursed during life.

Also consider that the elderly parents often view the service of their daughters as something that daughters just do, as a matter of course, and needs no reward. This is not right, but I have seen it many times.

Also bear in mind that old fashioned and idealistic ideas often have great influence in the process of making wills. Too often parents piously insist that they love all their children equally, so all should inherit equally rather than realistically accept that child A does a lot for them, loves them in concrete ways, whereas child B has always been selfish and self-centered.

A whole lot of nonsense can influence the making of a will. If you are the child, be sure you are paid NOW, not later. If you are the parent, talk to your children, especially those you see the most. Talk about what you think is fair and what your children think is fair. Also try to separate the notions of a "family legacy" from the practical matters of what the various children may want or need. It has been a long time since it made any sense (if it ever did) to leave property to sons simply as an effort to keep the property in the family.

If you're not being compensated while caregiving, the right thing would be that the caregiving sibling gets more inheritance than the rest of siblings. I wholeheartedly believe that. The real question is: do the siblings agree, not just in theory, but strongly enough to make it happen?? That will be your answer.

No I have seen the ugly side of this question. All her life my wife was close to her mother and father. She would visit when she could. And called frequently She moved to ca because the warmer climate was better for her health she has MS. Her sister stayed in the area. Her father always told her his estate would be split between her and her sister. But when the will was read he left everything to my wife’s sister it was several million dollars. There is no love when it comes to money.

Yes. I could never do what my brother has done for my dad and now for my mom! Granted, at first, it was he who got into a bind, and had to go back home, but because of that, when my dad declined, he was there with my mom for 10 years of my dad's illness! It has been a sometimes symbiotic, sometimes codependent arrangement, but regardless, his staying with them that long hurt his chances for some jobs bc they never officially did anything (I don't think any of us knew there were ways for family to get paid for caregiving if only so it could show as a legit job!) to formalize his status as caregiver, so now he has all this seemingly gap space from his last job. I had told my parents this but they are dividing it three ways, but if my brother ever needs more than his official share, he will have mine or whatever I can give him of what comes to me. My mom and I do not get along (he was the favorite), and if I had to do what he has done, my mental health would be in jeopardy. I check on him and ask about what the other two siblings can do, but it's complicated how he became enmeshed with them but yes, he 100% deserves ALL of it in my opinion.