This topic is obviously very personal: everyone will have their own opinion. I have many friends who helped their elderly parents alone for years, while their siblings did nothing. My opinion is that the helping adult child should inherit more, so they’re not financially ruined after spending so much time, energy & stress, helping.
It may require a lawyer.
Depends on if the person with the inheritance is deemed mental competent to handle these decisions.
NONE of them helped ever, ever and they lived close by.
She knew I was the only one who wouldn’t steal, plus I got the least and paid taxes on it.
The probate judge told them, “if she was stealing, she wouldn’t have put your mom in such a swanky place.
I just see her spending her mothers money on her mom.” He saw through them because this is common behavior.
It was just plain mean.
I sat in hospice alone, listening to her death rattle.
30 minutes after she died, their lawyers were calling me asking where their inheritance was?
It was Friday night. They had to wait until Monday
I paid myself $25.00/hr. instead.
She “mutha,” hated me and wanted me to see I was only getting half of a $33,000.00 annuity that required me to pay taxes on, after she died.
A 3,000 payout occurred once a year, so she controlled it from her grave.
Sister got the other half.
Sister in FLA whose rent was paid by our mother, got the entire TAX FREE, life insurance policy of $350,000.00 plus 1/3 of the Trust, $250,000.00, whined the whole time, that I was trying to get her to change her Will.
(2) nephews “ received the rest of the Trust because my brother died, so his share went to them.
its a thankless job and everyone’s throwing rocks, so PAY YOURSELF
.
I received apology letters 10 years later from my nephews, not my sister, who revealed herself as the queen narcissist.
Funny they realized I never cajoled her to change anything.
I have no family around me over a WILL, where they got everything.
Death reveals who a people really are.
Keep s journal with exact date, time, task and end time, with notes if necessary.
If anyone questions it, you can fling the journal at them and remind them you had to pay TAXES on it.
but that was before becoming aware of reality and now feel the caregiving child(s) should receive more.
if the others are too uncaring and selfish to understand that it’s just too bad for them.
may karma happen to them. and may good things happen to you.
Why not sell the house, that money goes to pay for her care in Skilled Nursing. It isn't that "they take the house" the funds are used to pay for HER care.
If you need or want her house you can buy it and that also will provide funds to pay for her care.
It sounds like in your case there would not be much to inherit once debts are paid. But if there is that money should be used now to provide for mom's care.
While your parents were able to enter into a "contract" they should have been paying you for the care that you provided, the rides you gave etc.
I beg to differ on "Medicaid pays people everyday for doing nothing" I have never heard of Medicaid paying individuals.
Any such agreement like, “I’ll help care for you if you leave me a larger share,” said to an elderly or sick person, sounds like extortion under duress.
5 adult children. All treated with love all their lives by the parents. 4 boys, 1 girl.
4 boys decide not to help at all. The girl helps. She gets all the stress, emergencies, loss of opportunities, gets poorer, while helping. She wants to do it out of kindness. She tries to balance it all with living her own life, too. The years go by. She gets poorer and poorer.
Perhaps suggesting to parents that while they are alive, they treat siblings equal?
We hear of 'the golden boy' favored, gets anything he wants; the needy failure -to-thrive child living with parents; the successful married child who needs help with a down payment on a home; the teen who needs a car for work. And other scenarios, even the drug addict who steals from parents.
[Whatever you give to one, the others get an equal amount at the same time.] And, one would need to be rich. And, whoever said life should be fair.
Then, tell them all, whoever helps in the parent's declining years will get the entire inheritance based upon the hours given to their care. If any.
It will be obvious that I haven't worked all this out yet. I already gave back when I had the money.
My father relied on me to take him places after his lung cancer surgery.
He earned one last check, and split it 3 ways for us siblings, leaving one check for himself.
I was a bit resentful that siblings received a "gift" from Dad and my "gift" covered my own expenses taking care of Dad.
On the night of Dad's death, my brother appeared as we got home to tell me he had died in the ER. He said to give him the outstanding check in Dad's name, and he would cash it.
Brother not only stole the check for himself, my husband and I had to pay the funeral expenses. The amounts are not important.
Before arriving home, my husband and I were at that same hospital with his sister, who had made a suicide attempt. Not knowing my Dad was about to die in the ER.
Today, it is as it always has been. I cannot be in the presence of "family" without it costing me somehow. Estranged and careful.
There was no other "inheritance" except Dad's legacy to my two siblings: The Con. The scam. The lies.
I did not receive those genes, being the middle child and scapegoat, confirmed by my psychiatrist at the time.
I have gone NO Contact with siblings.
awful.
as for:
“I have gone NO Contact with siblings.”
totally understand you. hug!
i’ve done the same. but every now and then, i must communicate with them. for example today. and as a consequence i had an awful day: they behaved terribly.
i send hugs to all of us, unfairly treated in one way or other.
protect your life.
and take some luck with you too:
here:
i’m depositing some luck right here:
🍀🍀🍀🙂🙂🙂
Tim failed to launch, so he stayed with his mom saying he was helping out so he couldn’t work. Tim had plenty of time to fish, and more time to indulge his multiple drug addictions, but Tim’s mom was comfy and as she didn’t have dementia, Tim’s sister Toni chose to honor her wishes while observing from a distance.
Tims mom died at 91. Toni as executor made Tim leave, then split the estate as directed. Tim found religion, found na, and finally bought a house with this money.
Should Toni have gotten nothing?
my own opinion:
some scenarios are very difficult to figure out exactly what would be fair. and yet, in your imaginary example, i bet toni was jumping with joy that she wasn’t “it”.
(jumping with joy that she didn’t do any caregiving).
i think some scenarios are very complex, and even someone with great morality will have difficulty figuring out what’s the fairest way of splitting things. when a case is difficult, you do your best to try to guess what would be fair.
on the contrary, some cases are much more simple - and if you did a survey on the forum for example, you’d get a pretty unanimous opinion on what’s fair.
God Bless all caregivers who gave and sacrificed beyond earthly meanings...
The Parable of the Prodigal Son is one of the parables of Jesus in the Bible, appearing in Luke 15:11–32. Jesus shares the parable with his disciples, the Pharisees and others.
In the story, a father has two sons. The younger son asks for his portion of inheritance from his father, who grants his son's request. This son, however, is prodigal (i.e., wasteful and extravagant), thus squandering his fortune and eventually becoming destitute. As consequence, he now must return home empty-handed and intend to beg his father to accept him back as a servant. To the son's surprise, he is not scorned by his father but is welcomed back with celebration and a welcoming party. Envious, the older son refuses to participate in the festivities. The father tells the older son: "you are ever with me, and all that I have is yours, but thy younger brother was lost and now he is found."
The Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard
20 “For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire laborers for his vineyard. 2 Now when he had agreed with the laborers for a denarius a day, he sent them into his vineyard. 3 And he went out about the third hour and saw others standing idle in the marketplace, 4 and said to them, ‘You also go into the vineyard, and whatever is right I will give you.’ So they went. 5 Again he went out about the sixth and the ninth hour, and did likewise. 6 And about the eleventh hour he went out and found others standing [a]idle, and said to them, ‘Why have you been standing here idle all day?’ 7 They said to him, ‘Because no one hired us.’ He said to them, ‘You also go into the vineyard, [b]and whatever is right you will receive.’
8 “So when evening had come, the owner of the vineyard said to his steward, ‘Call the laborers and give them their wages, beginning with the last to the first.’ 9 And when those came who were hired about the eleventh hour, they each received a denarius. 10 But when the first came, they supposed that they would receive more; and they likewise received each a denarius. 11 And when they had received it, they [c]complained against the landowner, 12 saying, ‘These last men have worked only one hour, and you made them equal to us who have borne the burden and the heat of the day.’ 13 But he answered one of them and said, ‘Friend, I am doing you no wrong. Did you not agree with me for a denarius? 14 Take what is yours and go your way. I wish to give to this last man the same as to you. 15 Is it not lawful for me to do what I wish with my own things? Or is your eye evil because I am good?’ 16 So the last will be first, and the first last. For[d] many are called, but few chosen.”
The only catch so far — and it’s a doozy — is that the years of caregiving before the elder’s power is transferred to the POA (and that clause is invoked) isn’t eligible.
I would assume a will could have a statement that the caregiver is to be given [insert amount] for every year of care giving.
Inheritance is totally separate and should be split equally between who ever the will states should receive it. Why do we as children feel we should get any thing from our parents when they finally meet their end? They are the ones who worked their selves to death and earned it. It should all be spent on the best care possible when they need it!
After paying for care of a parent/loved one there might not be that much left, now a day anyway. Again...just my personal opinion!
even if in the end it’s only $5 (total inheritance), it still matters how it’s split.
even if there’s nothing, it still matters how it’s split. the intention matters: how the parents wanted to split it.
as for compensating the helping adult child in real time (as opposed to inheritance), i can see advantages/disadvantages.
my opinion is the helping adult child should receive more - whatever way it’s done.
Considering caregiver to parent(s) who left her job at age 50 plus, she would earn so much for next 10-15 years plus contribute to pension plan. I am referring to caregiver as she, as it is more often female. And they often expect to do it for free.
The best solution will be to pay monthly as taxes are progressive both in Canada and USA, and by contributing to RRSP or 401k will be beneficial as there will be compounded interest. There is tangible and intangibles here, as lost income and perhaps marriage break up, stress of caregiving considering average disease of 10 years, caregiver over 60 cannot easily recuperate or gain financially.
This is reality if parents of silent generation are stuck in some belief that all children deserve equally, I think it is time to adjust to reality.
It is a very tough topic, however, if there is a trust or will involved ,
we have to adhere to what's stated in the document.
I have a situation that could potentially be very messy.
I am caring for my Aunt. As POA. I have complete control over her money. My brother is the executor of my deceased Uncle's trust that includes caring for my Aunt.
When she passes, the money (if any) is to be split between myself and my two brothers.
One brother has done absolutely nothing!! My other brother has done some, but I have shouldered the majority. Of course I feel like I deserve more, but I think an estate attorney is going to be essential!!
Best wishes!!
For my parents I was paid at the time I did the caretaking. I was paid monthly and taxes, SS were withheld. Their wills dealt with each of their three children unequally based on what funds and gifts were given while they were living. One of my brothers tried to dispute my dad's will and ended up with a minimal amount of money.
If there aren’t sufficient funds how else would the parent have care? If the adult children don’t want to or can’t provide caregiving, there’s no free caregiver service
Would all of these people write these messages about choosing unhappiness while striving for greed and money under the auspices of loving caretaking if their identities were revealed? Some posts indicate they feel they do not want to be taken advantage of while they are themselves taking advantage of and scheming someone else, someone who is disadvantaged by age and infirmity.
The irony is there is no true anonymity. People see through you.
hug!
i haven’t read all messages. i have a totally different interpretation from you, regarding the messages i have read.
my interpretation:
nothing scheming on the part of the helping child.
it’s simply a FACT:
caring for years will affect you financially, in particular depending on your age.
just an example (not me). friend of mine:
helping daughter is 35, in the middle of career. elderly parents need help. she has a sister who does nothing to help. elderly parents had many problems, not just medical. admin problems too. someone must deal with these problems. some problems you can delegate, hire people, but not all problems.
i see my friend’s career suffering. she’s getting poor. she’s kind, not scheming.
——
my personal opinion:
her parents should ensure she’s not financially ruined, after all those years of helping and balancing with her career. her parents are in a facility, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t problems to solve. my friend helps a lot.
in her case, her parents are in full agreement that she should receive more.
——
my personal opinion is that indeed, the helping one should receive more.
some people who help are financially ok, so this isn’t so important. they spent time, energy, stress - but didn’t take any financial hit. maybe the helping one is married, hence financially secure, retired, etc. for whatever reason, helping hasn’t really affected them financially.
but:
how about the helping ones who take a big financial hit by helping? in the middle of their career, but lose money because of hours spent lovingly helping?…
Do you also, in the interest of fairness, think *if* the caregiving child is to receive a larger portion of the estate, then the current owner of the estate (aka: the person(s) needing care) should inform the other heirs of this arrangement, and give them a chance to become a "co-caregiver"? And if the other heirs decide to help out to keep their share of the inheritence intact, so to speak, how do you see that arrangement working out, logistically speaking, between caregivers?
I ask this as 1) the primary caregiving child of my mother and
2) the trustee of mom's estate after she passed away.
And no, I did not give myself a larger portion of the estate than I was bequeathed.
i think some scenarios/situations are very complex, tricky.
then, to the best of your ability, you try to see what’s fair depending on the situation - or changes in the situation.
indeed a fair, kind helping child (let’s say non-helpers suddenly help more, even just with phone calls, organizing things, i don’t mean hands-on)…the fair, kind child, in case the will is unequal in favor of the helping-child, might make it more equal in favor of the new-helpers, by renouncing their extra share.
there are always ways of trying to make things fair.
I see friends who helped for only a few months, who felt totally OK with things being split equally.
I see friends who helped for years alone with destroyed careers, while their siblings’ careers soared upwards. These friends feel they should receive more. I agree they should.