Do you think the helping adult child should get more inheritance?

I will state again, the ORIGINAL scenario presented by the OP was the helping child inheriting more so as not to leave them financially ruined.

If that is a consideration, that if a person leaves a job to take care of an elderly LO which will leave them with limited financial options in the future, then caregiving by that person must NOT be a consideration.

Most of the answers here are less about financial hardship after caregiving, and more about "what's fair is fair" - it's "fair" that I get a bigger slice of the inheritence pie than any other beneficiaries because I was the person with "boots on the ground" in the caregiving department.

So if we go along with that thinking - and mind you, I'm not saying it's always the wrong way of thinking - then does it stand to reason that the other potential beneficiaries to the estate be made aware of this division of assets, and given equal opportunity to help out in order to increase their share of the "pie"? Otherwise, I see this being a really awesome different way for elderly people to try to control their children, using future inheritence as a lure to have their children become their caregivers, and thus avoid the AL/NH/MC route as they age.

Are you really telling me there aren't any of you who could see your own parent(s) doing something like this? All I see here all day long are stories of manipulative, NPD parents using every arrow in their quiver to try and control their kids. Parents who enjoy pitting their kids against one another if for no other reason than they're bored and it's good entertainment.

If you think you deserve to be compensated for your caregiving, and I think everyone deserves to be compensated in some way or another, then get it WHILE you're doing the caregiving. What you're taking about is tantamount to working for a company for years without pay, in the hopes that once the business is sold, you get a tidy chunk of the proceeds. It makes no sense.

Every time I open this this website, I get angry….so much of all of this if not all of the questions could have been avoided if the elderly parents would have made plans for their care yrs earlier, not waiting til they can no longer manage their home or health issues. We have my 95 yr old father in law living with us and don’t like it one bit!, there I said it… my husbands brother in NY does nothing to help, not even a phone call to his dad or a birthday card to show he cares….our social life is nil, he sits in our living room 12 hrs a day, can’t have personal conversations and am always on call to make sure 3 meals a day are provided… it has caused us to start making our plans for when we can’t care for ourselves ahead of time and none of are children are included in our care, it’s assisted living for us and no pressure on our daughters to suffer like we have.

This is a very good question, I have been my mom's primary caregiver for 10 years now. I have taken on the tasks of keeping up with all her finances, care of the home and property, caregiving as she has progressive dementia, cooking , cleaning, managing caregivers , Dr. visits , appointments, etc. I have a house on the same street as her that my husband and I own, my youngest sister lives next door also . Mom has 5 children , I am the oldest daughter. During the years, occastionally I would get a break for a day or week-end but for the most part I was the committed one for her care often spending nights and days with her in her home away from my husband as she cannot be left alone. The sister that lives close hardly helped me and when she did she got paid for it as we had to spend down moms annuity , I did not pay myself. Now the funds are gone , so I offered to buy mom's home for a lower price due to all the caregiving I have done. I even had to take a early retirement which is a great financial loss ,as I am a RN. My offer was rejected by my siblings so I guess all the hard work , committment and devotion , so they could live their lives means nothing. I am hurt beyond words but have to continue to go on. Not sure how to resolve this but I keep praying. I have some relief by bringing mom to Adult day care but the bills are adding up and I am broken hearted. I hope somehow this will all work out but I feel used and taken advantage of. I welcome any suggestions. Thank you in advance.

Another scenario:

My mother has a sister (younger) who is in her mid-eighties with physical mobility problems, the foremost of which are back issues from her years as a nurse. She is currently living alone. She has 2 children.

Her oldest child, my cousin, has never had a career, just a series of minimum wage type jobs. Her husband works (intermittently) in construction. They have 3 children. They do not own their own home.

My cousin has made the offer repeatedly to my aunt: if my aunt will buy my cousin a house, big enough for my cousin, her family AND my aunt and put said house in my cousin's name, my cousin will give up her "career" and become my aunt's caregiver.

They live outside of Washington D.C., where home prices are quite high.

If my aunt were to take my cousin up on this offer, do you think, in this case, her other child should get a reduced portion of any inheritence that's left? Because I would think the purchase of a home would more than repay any caregiving.

It's scenarios like this that make me reluctant to make a blanket statement that the caregiving child should receive/ a larger portion - or the entirety - of an inheritence.

This can be very complicated. In my opinion, generally if there is one sibling that did most of the support of the parents that sibling should inherit the most, if not all. But remember this issue breaks up many families because everyone has an idea that they did more than the others.

Some of you might find my experience useful for your own situations.

I brought my now 92yo mother out from AL to live with me in July 2020 because of COVID. She lives with Alzheimer’s so I am her full time caregiver.

I proposed to my 3 brothers, who were relieved I’ve taken on this responsibility, that Mom pay me a set amount every month and if her share of expenses was less than that, the excess would go to me as taxable income. She would deduct the excess as caregiving expense (as recommended by an accountant).

I estimated what her half of the expenses would be (including property taxes, insurance, food, utilities, car, property maintenance, etc.) and my brothers and I discussed and agreed on what would be a reasonable amount for her to pay. As it turns out, the amount she pays is half of what she paid in AL.

The financial benefit for me is my living expenses are almost halved and I have been able to hold off from withdrawing money out of my retirement account, saving money for me in MY old age.

The result is that my mother’s will remains the same: her estate is divided equally between the four of us. I am being compensated, at least to some degree, for the caregiving, in current time rather than waiting for her death. Caregiving is still difficult but it isn’t accompanied by financial resentment.

I realize I am very fortunate that my brothers and I get along and they are happy to support me in this difficult work. I also realize that this arrangement, particularly declaring income and claiming tax deductions, might not work where some of you live. But I think that there is no need to report to the tax authorities a private expense-sharing arrangement between family members. I just chose to report it because, well, I’m just that kind of idiot! 😃

I really think the helping child should receive more, whether it happens in real time or inheritance, or both.

But I’ve seen people (especially daughters) being used by their own parents. Used, abused, and then left in financial ruins. Often it’s the mother who refuses to give what’s fair towards her helping daughter.

You're right that this is a personal decision that some elderly parents are unable to make at that time due to dementia. My mom had a will that was done when she was told by doctors of her dementia. My brother who inherited the majority of her money & estate recognized the care that I had given to her for almost a decade & gifted me something extravagant for my services provided. I took care of my mom out of love & my brother knew it.

By the way regarding inheritance, you might be unaware, but in some countries you’re legally obliged to give equally to all children. For example, in some countries it’s like this: 1/3 must go to the surviving spouse, and 2/3 must go to the children equally, no matter what. (If there’s no surviving spouse, then 2/3 must go equally to all children; and 1/3 can go to whoever you like).

No, I think that the helping adult child should be paid for their caregiving. They should be paid the going rate for care and what ever remains of the inheritance equally divided amongst all remaining children.

I also think if you are caring for them in your house, they should pay their share of expenses.

Too many people think they will be compensated when it comes time for inheritance and that rarely happens. Most wills are written to divide assets equally.

If a sibling refuses to pay for your caregiving, don't do it. Caregiving is to hard, emotionally, physically, financially and mentally not to get paid.

Yes! But sometimes parents make decisions based on children’s abilities.
My husband took care of his parents, while being single father and building his business, he even bought them place to live nearby.
His brother who did nothing inherited nice house in one of most expensive cities, worth millions probably.
They wanted to protect child with no success, my husband as educated at best universities and successful got nothing.

It can sometimes be ‘unfair’ when a will made at the end of life benefits the person who is most visible right then. This can also mean non-family carers, who may or may not have been angling for it. Late wills are quite common, as elders often make a fresh will when the spouse dies, so this really does happen.

It makes more sense for the will to reflect the whole life, and for the care to be paid for as long as it happens.