Do you think the helping adult child should get more inheritance?

Boys get the support; girls get the duties: that’s the world I grew up in, too, and I thot it was on the way out, but maybe not quite yet. <Either get paid for your work, or get a larger inheritance.> ALL kids step up in one way or another! And stop the division of labor along the lines of gender!
I might have considered it a privilege to care for my parents, had they not expected it ONLY from me. ( At one point, I was the only one working and, as the only daughter, you can bet I resented it.)
Essentially you must make the decision that works for YOU. And you must take care of you first!

As I see it yes but, we know what the true answer is. Sometimes it is not fair for the person who is caring for the sick always gets the bad end of the deal. Life is not fair but, its the way the cookie crumble. Its not fair for your spouse either who has to help care and not get nothing. I notice the pattern and I was stuck caring for both inlaws cause we lived with them. I had no choice and just did it because I thought it was the thing to respect and do. I did it to help my husband out but, after a while, looking over the whole situation I thought hey they have a daughter let her do it cause in the Trust and the Will it seems they gave her everything. My poor husband didnt know until he found out when his dad passed in Jan. His sister almost had it all or maybe she still does. So, I say what about the spouse, what do they get.

Assisted living at $5000 a month is eating up all my moms money. I personally feel money is my last want in this mess. I am her primary person. She would tell you I do all the work. Money has never been a boat rocker for me so I just do not care. Any money left my brother can have it if he wants it. I just want my retirement back..If she lives with you I would take some room and board money monthly . Outside help is very pricy. You deserve some payment for your work. Good Luck.

My brother is quite happy to have me do dad’s caregiving for free. God forbid that he should miss out on a penny when Dad passes. My sister is the opposite. She wants Dad to
pay me for caring for him. Personally I don’t care either way. Just do long as we get equal share at the end. Not holding my breath.

I went through this with my family. It was very hurtful the way my Sister acted. Now that it’s all over she acts like she did half of the caregiving. It has taken me several years to get over the hurt that she could turn her back on my Mother and refused to help me in anyway. I have also developed several medical issues, the amount of stress over those 5 years was unbelievable. I lost the job that I had worked at for 10 years, after being a caregiver for that long plus having a special needs step son I could no longer think straight. I will never forget, she had a few drinks one night and told me that she really enjoyed making me suffer. Not sure if they should get more. I’m sorry let me change my mind on that!! YES I do think since the others would not help the caregiver the caregiver should be compensated in some way. Please don’t misunderstand I loved my Mom and would do it all over again. She also forced me to sell the family farm that our family owned for about 90 years. I have forgave her but also told her I can never forget how they acted amazing what someone will do when placed in that position. .

I've seen many on this forum say parents should never have to pay their children for care giving. I agree they should not "have to pay" but paying their children is the only fair way to do it because very few families are able to equally share the burden/privilege of care giving. It can either be done according to legal contracts while the parents are alive if they can afford it or written into the will to be paid after their death per the contracts from whatever is left then if there is a balance it should be distributed according to the parent's wishes. Parent's should always be free to make their own decisions and no child should ever be a caregiver for what they might get after a parent dies. I am trying to convince our sons to let us pay them when they help with their father (or me later). If they don't want to accept it, they can put it in a special savings account to have funds available if they desire to help should we need paid caregivers or a facility. Either way I would consider it theirs to use however they choose now or after our death. This way, the one who does the most gains the most and the remainder will be split equally after our death. Paying your children with a contract can also help satisfy financial qualifications for Medicaid or VA benefits later.

As a 24/7 caregiver for their father, I totally appreciate and understand the sacrifice whenever either of our sons help us. They both have very different personalities and talents along with different family, church and career responsibilities that I don't expect them to forego unless we are in the middle of a crisis. Because of all this, we can't possibly treat them equally (except with our love) and I should never expect them to equally be able to provide care giving services to us.

By the way, they are both listed on my POA and HPOA and backups on their father's so they can step in and help should I ever not be able to handle something.

The helping child definitely deserves more but unless the will/trust prescribes more for their sacrifice, (in Southern terms) they ain’t gonna get it.

Money separates families. Don’t let it do it to yours. Take what you get and continue to love your siblings.

I am that caregiver. I take my dad to Dialysis three days a week, replenish his groceries. I'm the one he calls when he's got constipation or any other worrisome scary issue. He lives in an independent living facility and has "helpers" there but there are some things that family is just better with which to assist. Since he fell one month after our mother (I'm one of 5 kids) and broke his hip, revealing end-stage kidney disease this has been the setup.

My sister is POA and also local and helps out a lot. My three brothers live scattered around the country and have helped when they've visited, etc.

I would never ever ever in my life expect to get MORE of what Dad leaves behind than my siblings. I LOVE my brothers and sis and he is OUR Dad. I've been blessed to have the opportunity to give back for all the providing Dad (and Mom). I have no idea what total $$ Dad has/will have when he moves on and I don't even care. I choose to focus on the larger reward of providing comfort and joy to my Father.

BurntCaregiver: "There's been some talk from her lately about wanting to change it and leave it equally to her grandkids, my sibling, and myself. No way. She cannot legally change it without me though and I will not help her to do this. I told her some time back that I will completely and utterly abandon her if she even tries to make another 'arrangement' with the property behind my back and that I'll hear no more threats of it. Also, if it's changed it's no longer a protected asset from Medicaid. I've earned this place. You earned more too."

Good for you, BurntCaregiver. And I hope that you decide not to share any of your inheritance when the time comes.

My mother made noises at one point that she could change the trust. She didn't have the wherewithal to make an appointment to do that on the phone, and I of course wouldn't have helped in any way (to include driving her to said appointment; I was her sole source of transportation).

Even though she did cajole one of my brothers to drive her to the attorney to change her POA on one of his infrequent trips to visit (I and another brother were taken off the POA), I doubt she would have gotten away with removing me as a beneficiary to the trust.

They should but they don't. I spent every day with my mother until she lost her fight with colon cancer at 69. I missed a lot of work and a lot of time with my children but I had to be there for her. One of my brothers was with her as much as he could be but nowhere near as much as me. And he didnt sacrifice much other than going to night clubs. My other brother was barely present. He doesnt have kids and as far as I am concerned no good reason for not being around. In the end the estate was divided evenly amongst us. I don't think it was fair but what can you do?

It's up to the person with the money, but if the child who helps more doesn't stand up for themselves at least somewhat and allows themselves to be financially ruined, then that's on them.

My dad insisted I be paid for the two months I gave him and my mom 24/7 before he died. He didn't put it in writing, but he told his attorney who also agreed with him. I considered it a privilege to care for my parents, and yes, it was a brutal couple of months, but I felt very uncomfortable with the idea of being paid. However, after my dad's death, the attorney told me sternly that I MUST pay myself (I'm also the trustee) at a comparable rate that a paid caregiver would receive.

I ended up being paid $30,000 for those two months, but it was long before I inherited anything. Four years later, I'm still working on wrapping up my parents' estate and will finally be able to get my inheritance in the next couple of weeks. I have not charged the estate for my trustee work since the first year after Dad died, but I think I've been adequately compensated already.

Money makes people crazy. I'm just glad it's almost over.

Yes, they absolutely should, but that seldom happens!
No one seems to understand the financial burden caregivers undertake when they give up so much of their time, earning potential, and finances to take care of Mom and Dad!

In my case, my mother's will was drawn up 8 years before she had dementia. My brother and SIL were named as POA's for her medical/health, unbeknownst to them.

Fortunately my mother had the means to have a private PSW for 10 hours a day for 4 months. She is now just recently placed in an assisted care facility.

I took care of her for 4 months daily (only) and had no help from my brother, nieces or SIL during that time. I didn't expect to be paid for my time but knew I needed to get back to my business shortly.

My point is- It is so very important to have a proper Will drawn up prior to a parent needing care. A discussion about who may be able to assist on a part time or full time basis. Will payment be given or not (circumstances- said person, takes a leave of absence to carry said role out, time frame) Is an assisted living facility a plan for future.

If a parent has dementia and a Will has not be drawn up with specific guidelines and discussed prior, with family members- then it may become a litigious matter and something that should be avoided with proper planning ahead of time.

If you are asking for a personal opinion, then my own is that yes, the child who is helping, responsible, and there for the parent is more deserving of more of the inheritance than another child. However, it is entirely up to the parent what he or she does about this, and up to the child whether he or she wishes to continue being the one who gives all the care.
I feel that whatever the parent does about inheritance it is always best to let the children know what they are doing, and why. It saves a lot of heartache later.

Yes, this is disgraceful, but it’s also predictable. The daughters don’t want to ask for a contract or other security, because they don’t want to feel like ‘employees’. They want the warm fuzzies that come from looking and feeling ‘wonderful’ for being so selfless. They are setting themselves up for being taken at their word – literally.

If the family’s males are sexist and ‘entitled’, the women have usually been indoctrinated to be self-sacrificing. It’s also linked to a view that people who work for money only care about the money. Our many women carers need to think about it carefully.

The POA should address payment for services if parents hire a lawyer who is honest with them about duties of a POA.

POA should address all things medical as well. If you have a POA that states you should get paid and don’t pay yourself then that is on you. You have a right to reimburse yourself for expenses. Read your parents POA. A professional non-family member POA will charge $150 an hour.

Kids have a discussion with your elderly parents before its too late.

True story-
i knew a family that was 2 daughters and 2 sons. When the parents got old w dementia and other issues the daughters practically worked themselves to a nub taking care of the parents, taking turns staying with them round the clock, taking to dr appts, cooking, bathing, changing adult diapers, getting up and down all night etc., spending MUCH time away from their own families. This went on for YEARS.

The sons visited occasionally, but were busy w their own families, couldn’t be bothered. The elderly mother died first.

The contents of the will were unknown and all the property was in the father’s name. He died about a year after the mother.

This family owned 2 large farms worth $hundreds of thousands of dollars which each parent had inherited from their own parents. When the will was read, the SONS each received one farm, with the unenforceable understanding that they would farm it. They also received a lot if money. Each Daughter received $10,000!

Each son immediately sold their inherited farm and gave not one dime to the daughters who had done all of the work!

Of course the adult child who is the one caregiving should get the lion's share of the inheritance.
In fact, I will go so far as to say if one adult sibling does all the caregiving and usually spends years at a time doing all of it, they should receive HALF of the parents' estate. Regardless of how many other siblings or grandchildren there may be.
My siblings got no inheritance from our father. I had to be 100% responsible for him so I took whatever was available after the bills.
I've been totally responsible for my mother's care for years. I not only put up with her crap for years, but also clean it. She would have lost her home if not for me, so it is for me. I have it in writing. My sibs could have stepped up at any time and helped, but didn't.
There is no way I would be caregiving for my mother if I was not going to inherit this property and she knew it. Once it becomes an exempt asset from Medicaid next spring I will be able to leave here then bring in homecare or even place her if needs be.

What is 'right' and what is 'legal' really hold sway in this.

Mother will leave a fairly small inheritance. Divided amongst the 5 living sibs, it's less than $10K per child. My YB has taken care of mother for 25 years--at first it was not a burden, but the last 10-12 years have been awful, in many ways.

My OS, YB and I all plan to gift our portion of the inheritance to YB. $10k won't make a ripple in my financial wellness, but it will to YB. $30K will ease his financial burdens a lot.

Yb has a weird relationship with mother and he has truly been a 'gatekeeper', but for whatever reasons he has for doing so--he still keeps her home and takes her to all appts and deals with stuff none of the rest of us have. Not that we wouldn't, or couldn't, but he wouldn't allow us.

All that will be water under the bridge. Even tho he kept mother a semi-prisoner in her own apt, he did care for her and did a LOT of yucky chores.

This really depends on the helping child’s situation.

My mom will probably invite my sister and granddaughter to live with her for free after my dad passes, mainly for companionship. It’ll save thousands in rent for my sister. My mom still drives, goes to art class, even walks my sisters dog. There are no loss of actual adl.

If it gets to the point where help with toileting and other adls are required, that will be a stickier situation. However, she will not be quitting her job.

I agree.

In “certain” circumstances the child who was the caregiver should get 90% of it.

No. I don’t think people should expect more inheritance. In most cases, there is no inheritance. Some people barely have any life insurance or any longterm care insurance.

I am on the fence as to whether the grown child caregiver should receive a higher inheritance. I have also read on this form where sibling(s) recommend that their parent needs a higher level of care and not be cared for at home. But one sibling says "no", he/she will do the caregiving at home. Should the other siblings get less because one sibling refused to listen or believe in the amount of work involved?

The helping adult child should get paid while they are doing the work (and yes, it is work). Inheritance issues can get very messy.

Looking back over all the events that occurred with my dad’s caregiving needs and with my being executor of his will, I now hugely believe that all giving to the caregiver should happen while the parent is alive to do so. Getting a bigger inheritance is only grounds for hard feelings and complications. My dad was a retired teacher, never had a lot, so there was no big inheritance, but what there was had real potential to be a mess due to some warped family dynamics between dad and one sibling. There are likely bitter feelings over it though I’m not asking to find out. Giving for the caregiver should happen in the here and now

The "helping" child should have an agreement with the parent(s) that the helping child is getting PAID to help.
I believe that inheritance is not a right nor should it be an expectation.
Money saved by parents should be used for THEIR care. If there is anything left great it can be split or done with as the parents wish. If there has been no designation then evenly split after debts are paid. (if any child, grandchild owed money that should be taken into account and "deducted")
And I think that any funds should be put toward grandchildren's education or for their future. In most cases "helping children" are all adults with retirement plans that should have been funded BEFORE helping a parent. No one should be "financially ruined" by helping a parent.

I honestly don't personally know anyone who's inherited anything, one way or the other. But I would be more than happy for my brother to have more. The only asset that my mother has is her house, which is in a trust for the three of us. My mother says that she split it three ways. My brother is single, never married, no children, and lives only 20 minutes away from her. He comes over every week to mow the lawn and do any other household chores she needs, and phones her every day. I want as little to do with her as possible, we've never gotten along. So I would be more than happy to give up some of my inheritance to compensate him. He's going to leave it to us anyway, probably mostly to my sister who has some family issues, which is fine with me. I'm not expecting much, let's say that. Maybe that's the key, if you get $10, that's $10 more than you had before. Just don't expect too much in the first place I guess.

Your friends that help their elderly parents alone for years -- do they end up inheriting more?

This is such an interesting question in my opinion, one that I too have given thought to. I see arguments for yes and no.
If for example in my own case one of us (we are 3 daughters) took on the responsibility , when the time comes, of most of the care duties, then I think some financial reward to that child would be very acceptable during that time, and not to the others during that period. In terms of general inheritance after the death...I personally think 3 way split would still stand. Others may disagree.
This inheritance topic is so sensitive and I have witnessed siblings after the death of a parent(s) fall out and not speak again. Because of this ugliness in my opinion and the sure possibility of it happening, I have taken the stance of telling my parents (they are 82 and 87 atm) to write me out of any inheritance and bypass me completely , and give it to my kids , should they wish. This was done on my part several months ago and man do I feel FREE now. Each to their own at the end of the day!

It's a good question to ask!

Helper Sib: good helpful child 😇. Loving, giving, selfless.

But here's another (distasteful) view..

Helper Sib: As above, wishes to be seen as The Golden Child. Self-esteem built on attention for good deeds.

Close with parent 😀.
Encourages co-dependancy 😶. Becomes #1 helper 😞. Gate-keeps out other sibs & non-family/formal supports 😖. Feels entitled for renumeration, despite carving out this position for self & holding others out 😤.

Seen this pattern a few time now. Often unpartnered/divorced/left partner for elder parent. Sib needed secure housing + parent needed care = so this *social contract* was a good solution for both sides at the time.

We do read MANY tales from the Helper Sib desperate for help, asking & pleading their sibling for it.

But we also get a few from non-helping sibs being totally shut out.

Just another side - feel free to comment!

I agree that inheiritence is a gift.

Paying for service in the living time would probably increase fairness.