So here goes, my 88 yo MIL broke her hip in November 17, we moved in with her as she had been told several times before break she could not live alone. She has been in mental decline now for about 6 years, she stopped going to church, stopped all outside activities, stopped crafting etc, insurance stopped insuring due to multiple accidents. Has not been able to drive for a very long time, last time I rode with her was about 7 years ago and she wouldn’t recognize stop lights etc. but just has stopped driving when insurance refused to insure. Now she is letting her homeowners laps, she can not distinguish bills from ads thinks she has 7 different insurance companies, and it’s all just ads and didn’t and refuses to pay the one she has. She does not understand her bank statements, she thinks she’s broke, and she is trying to cause some serious financial harm to herself due to fees and taxes.
Her geriatric put her on aricept, but says she does not have Dementia or Alzheimer’s???? But ordered hospice??? Sadly she has always been Narcissistic and she is absolutely mean and horrible to my husband and I, constantly lies says we neglect her we don’t feed her we are stealing from and the list goes on and on. Any excuse she can come with to try to have us removed. She has so many signs of mixed Dementia but no diagnosis, my husband does have a DPOA but it’s useless on stopping her from financial harm in AL (Alabama), we have learned it’s a very expensive useless piece of paper. What makes this situation worse is doctor basically refuses to diagnose her and we are not getting much help from hospice either with it, because she passes the minis and is fine in front of health care.
The financial harm I’m talking about is not going to cost her a few bucks it’s going to cost her 100s of thousands, she doesn’t need the money but if she makes this mistake because she does not understand her money it is going to put her in a bad financial situation, is there anyway we can get help or advice on how to stop her? Or what can we do to prove she is no longer competent in handling her affairs? She refuses all doctors but the one she has. He will not listen to our concerns or even send her for further evaluation. Between all of this it is seriously taking a toll on my husband and I mentally, physically and emotionally... any advice is greatly appreciated...
Why would you even consider spending your retirement money for her care? Whose idea was that? File for Medicaid. I don’t remember if Hubby has POA, but if he does, find yourselves a nice apartment, move out and sell her house. She can be Self-pay/Medicaid pending until then. She is paying you. You have the privilege of living with her and of taking her abuse. You collect your wages in misery.
Some of the responses to your questions are accurate, but not all of them. It is not true that hospice is not concerned with your loved one and will not write a letter of incompetency. I am a Social Worker for hospice and I have had several letters written for incompetency. I am writing one tomorrow, wrote one last week. Our medical director signs the letter. The letter is written based on the RN Case Manager’s assessment of the patient and the patient’s decline.
It is a myth that all people who come on service for hospice...die. I have had several patients discharged for what is called extended prognosis..they get better. However, the criteria for hospice is that, if the disease is to run its normal course, the patient will pass within six months. This does not always happen. Often times I have seen patients that needed the care hospice provides, regular meals and medical treatment and they get better. Not always. When i speak of regular meals, I mean when they are moved to a skilled nursing facility and they are fed regularly. Sometimes they improve. I have one such patient now who may be coming off service for that reason.
Hope this is helpful.
They should be able to help you out with a lot of these questions
Dementia does not affect all abilities all at once, and is different for every person.
And most doctors do not know how to deal with dementia!
You cannot be held responsible for payment of Moms care in a NH.
Why have you both not insisted on being told why she is in hospice? Why has your husband not stepped up and demonstrated who (should be) in charge here? Why is he more loyal to a dead man than to his living wife? Why does it look as if you are willingly taking on the management of this situation with someone else's mother and then tolerate being insulted? Are you an eldest child who always has been the one to look out for others in the family? Why do you feel the need/obligation to cater to a mean narcissist?
Why have you both not just found another doctor for MIL? I would choose a female doctor, one who is taller than mil, very self-assured, and who really understands dementia. ( Or a good looking large gentle male--but he needs plenty of diplomas on his wall) Take mil to see this new doc. You don't have to tell her where you are taking her and since she doesnt have her own wheels she will just have to deal with it all. When she shows her condition by her behaviour, you should get the evals you want.
(You might also tell mommy dearest that you are keeping notes and plan to write a book about her--- and see what changes that brings about).
(I'd like to know how the dishonest people manage to scam old folks and walk away, while the responsible family members are stopped from doing the right thing by legislators who are either ignorant -- or complicit in the frauds-- and by the various parts of the medical/human services community not communicating with each other. {You see what I did with words there! } But I'm too tired myself to really investigate these issues).
At some point, your husband has to take control, IMO. What can she do, disown him? As it's going he will be the same as disowned, anyway. And your own relationship will suffer, as well as your financials. You need to care yourselves or both of you will break.
I have a situation of my own to deal with and every friend tells me to take care of myself first. I finally decided that they are right, that the pain I'm going through is just hurting me and not helping solve the issues with my loved one. So the first step has been making up my mind to save my own life. Think about that, will you. (Of course this person I love is not a member of my or my late husband's family).
My wish for you is that you put your own sanity and health above the need to care for someone who doesn't like you and thinks she doesn't want your help. Demented or not, that should tell you how she feels about the woman who married her husband. This is a bag of wiggling worms and a short vacation at a nice spa (with hubby taking over all your chores for a few days) should give you a chance to put it all in perspective and come up with a plan to deal with the chaos.
Wishing you a new saner life with a husband who appreciates all you've done to keep HIS promise.
Although she is on hospice, some hospice will not cover certain curative medications. The fact that she is taking aricept is good. But, it has been my experience that she needs to take namenda along with aricept to get results.
Hope this was hopeful. Write me directly if you need further assistance.
You don't care about the will, don't care about being paid, yet you are concerned with eventually having to pay for a nursing home?
What's going to happen is that as MIL needs more and more help, you will be expected to provide more and more help. Are you up to that? Do you realize that up to 40% of caregivers die before their charges?
Does your husband care? Or is he going to step up and wipe MIL's butt, get up with her throughout the night, tolerate the UTTER CHAOS that could easily become your life with an elder with dementia? All because of a promise made to an old man on his deathbed?
Hmmm...
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