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Way... From the way I read the post/question Im2young4this is living with MIL. The MIL does not live with the PO and her husband Apparently the husband is very happy to live apart from his wife and let her do all the work while he does little to nothing to help. So mom "can't move out" unless she moved in with the OP or moves into a facility that will care for her at the level that she needs. (from the sound of it possibly Assisted Living would be what she would need since dementia has not been mentioned. OR having caregivers come in and help the MIL (paid for by MIL)
@Way... I missed the added info that MIL moved in with them. So that sorta "solves" the problem that she is lonely for her husband but I bet husband still is not doing much to help. Time for Imway2young4this to STOP doing all she has been doing and let her husband step up to the plate.
Do these men enjoy being The Man for both Wife & Mother? I'm begining to wonder...
Or is it more simple: They want to live their life, go to work & let the women arrange the rest? Maybe they view their duty as financial (breadwinner) & view childcare & eldercare as not their duty area?
Multi-gen households are the norm in many cultures. Housing availablity, changing housing costs & women in paid employment has changed that dynamic for many. Yet gender & cultural expectations will remain large influences.
I've been raised in a individual-focused society. While I get the benefits to a more collective approach, I have a strong need to make my own decisions (selfish or independant depending on your POV).
I love my MIL but I would not entertain the notion of living together (unless caused by dire need: financial or natural disaster).
Also, being under 67, I need to be earning. Becoming an unpaid caregiver is not an option.
At 87 with incontinence she may qualify for Long-term care. No one should be forced to toilet and clean up after someone else.
Why are you living with MIL and not the other way around. I blame ur husband. He needs to make Mom aware (won't happen if she has Dementia) that you are #1. That your needs outweigh hers at times. If you are going out on a date, she does not go with you and gets a sitter if needed. I blamed 2 of my SILs for the way me and mine were treated. Only to finally realize that the two brothers were actually responsible for how we were treated by theirvwives. I am sure if I had treated my husbands brother's family the way mine was treated by the wife, I would have heard it from my husband.
Well, first it seems its her house, her rules. The problem in ur husband. He needs to make it known that you are #1. You needs and wants come before hers. If you are having a night out, she needs to know that this is a date meaning she is not invited. He needs to make time for you. She had her marriage, she had her husband now its time for his wife to have his attention.
Are you caring for her or just living there for financial reasons. Either way, make sure your paying your way so you don't owe her anything. Get out ASAP. If possible, have your own place and just go to hers when u need to.
Why would you move in with your MIL? It is not your responsibility to care for your mother let alone your Mother in Law! You have options. Husband moves in with both of you. You move back to your home and let your husband care for HIS mother. (that does not solve your "lonely for your husband" issue though) Look for a facility that will be able to care for MIL at the level of care that she needs. You do not go into detail as to the care that MIL needs. You mention "age related decline" (I still wanna know what that specifically is), hearing loss and incontinence. None of these require a 24/7/365 caregiver. MIL can hire caregivers for the times she needs help. (please note MIL PAYS for the caregivers not you or your husband) There are programs that can help provide caregivers. Check with a local Senior Services Center, Area Agency on Aging. If MIL or her husband are Veterans the VA may provide some help as well.
You are one of many who did this and regret the decision, then they are stuck with the person, you will find by reading around here that when the MIL moves in, it is a real challenge to get her out, especially if the son has a mama thing.
Have a sit down with your husband, be honest, tell him this is not working and will not work. Start making a plan to move her out either to another sibling a senior apartment or AL.
Take care of you, don't hesitate to do what you need to do.
Why did you move your MIL in to begin with? Speak with your hubby (DH) and come up with a plan to move her OUT. Into senior independent living or Assisted Living, depending on her level of care needs.
There have been several recent posts on this issue, one where the husband moved his MIL into the couple’s master bedroom and the couple moved into the kids’ room. I tried to find the thread for you using the search bar (magnifying glass in the upper right of the screen) but unfortunately it doesn’t sort by date. However, if you type living with or caring for mother in law into the search bar you will get MANY, MANY results. Most with wives as unhappy as you are. Good luck.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
From your reply below
“ It’s what I felt was best”.
It has turned out it’s not best .
Have you asked husband about having Mom move out ?
From the way I read the post/question Im2young4this is living with MIL. The MIL does not live with the PO and her husband
Apparently the husband is very happy to live apart from his wife and let her do all the work while he does little to nothing to help.
So mom "can't move out" unless she moved in with the OP or moves into a facility that will care for her at the level that she needs. (from the sound of it possibly Assisted Living would be what she would need since dementia has not been mentioned. OR having caregivers come in and help the MIL (paid for by MIL)
@Way...
I missed the added info that MIL moved in with them.
So that sorta "solves" the problem that she is lonely for her husband but I bet husband still is not doing much to help.
Time for Imway2young4this to STOP doing all she has been doing and let her husband step up to the plate.
Or is it more simple: They want to live their life, go to work & let the women arrange the rest? Maybe they view their duty as financial (breadwinner) & view childcare & eldercare as not their duty area?
Multi-gen households are the norm in many cultures. Housing availablity, changing housing costs & women in paid employment has changed that dynamic for many. Yet gender & cultural expectations will remain large influences.
I've been raised in a individual-focused society. While I get the benefits to a more collective approach, I have a strong need to make my own decisions (selfish or independant depending on your POV).
I love my MIL but I would not entertain the notion of living together (unless caused by dire need: financial or natural disaster).
Also, being under 67, I need to be earning. Becoming an unpaid caregiver is not an option.
Why are you living with MIL and not the other way around. I blame ur husband. He needs to make Mom aware (won't happen if she has Dementia) that you are #1. That your needs outweigh hers at times. If you are going out on a date, she does not go with you and gets a sitter if needed. I blamed 2 of my SILs for the way me and mine were treated. Only to finally realize that the two brothers were actually responsible for how we were treated by theirvwives. I am sure if I had treated my husbands brother's family the way mine was treated by the wife, I would have heard it from my husband.
Are you caring for her or just living there for financial reasons. Either way, make sure your paying your way so you don't owe her anything. Get out ASAP. If possible, have your own place and just go to hers when u need to.
It is not your responsibility to care for your mother let alone your Mother in Law!
You have options.
Husband moves in with both of you.
You move back to your home and let your husband care for HIS mother. (that does not solve your "lonely for your husband" issue though)
Look for a facility that will be able to care for MIL at the level of care that she needs.
You do not go into detail as to the care that MIL needs.
You mention "age related decline" (I still wanna know what that specifically is), hearing loss and incontinence. None of these require a 24/7/365 caregiver.
MIL can hire caregivers for the times she needs help. (please note MIL PAYS for the caregivers not you or your husband)
There are programs that can help provide caregivers.
Check with a local Senior Services Center, Area Agency on Aging. If MIL or her husband are Veterans the VA may provide some help as well.
Have a sit down with your husband, be honest, tell him this is not working and will not work. Start making a plan to move her out either to another sibling a senior apartment or AL.
Take care of you, don't hesitate to do what you need to do.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-mother-in-law-needed-a-place-to-stay-for-a-couple-of-months-its-been-almost-three-years-and-she-w-483892.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�
Why did you move your MIL in to begin with? Speak with your hubby (DH) and come up with a plan to move her OUT. Into senior independent living or Assisted Living, depending on her level of care needs.
Good luck to you