Does anyone dream regularly about their dead parents?

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Does anyone dream regularly about their dead parents?

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My dad died 4 years ago (he was 87) and my mom followed 18 months later (she was 86). The last 6 years or so of caring for them was very difficult, especially my mom who was bedridden the last year of her life. I dream that my mom is back in the house, able to walk again and I KNOW she's going to find out I got rid of everything in her closet. In this last dream she was complaining about how we redid 'her house'.

I assume these are just PTSD dreams and will eventually stop. They are much less frequent than they were right after they died. They've also changed slightly in that I now tell them (in the dream) - you are both dead, please go away. I'm just curious if others dream as well and if they are pleasant dreams or nightmares?

Burnout Family Caregiver Grief Sleep Issues

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Thanks to everyone who replied, it helped me understand where these dreams are coming from. To try to explain my mom and our relationship from the time I was a sentient human being until the day she died would take weeks and a lot more than the 2600 characters that I have left! If anyone is interested, check out a few of my previous replies and you'll get the idea.

The bottom line is that she and my dad belonged in assisted living at the very least during those last six years and they probably should have been in a nursing home. After he died, her mobility declined to the point where she was bedridden. It was a nightmare, there are no other words to describe it. By the time she died I felt nothing but sheer relief and never shed a tear. The dreams are not comforting because I don't miss her. I realized these dreams are similar to the dreams I had when I finally left my husband and was free of him. I would dream he would beg me to come back, or assume I was coming back, and it was awful. It's the feeling of experiencing glorious freedom only to fear its being taken away.

I agree with Slartibart - this is my brain working out the rest of the stuff. BTW, both of my children are fully aware that I will NEVER put them through what my folks put me through. I've made my wishes abundantly clear - if I can't shower and toilet myself, it is time to find me a bed somewhere.

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Funny you should mention your wishes for your own care regarding your children. I just changed my will to take out the standard language about "I wish to die at home if possible" and changed it to something like "put me somewhere professionals can take care of my needs unless you're just desperate to bring my home".

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Bologna that PTSD is only for anyone's opinion on what is "real" trauma. My spouse has PTSD from combat and I have it from a hellish childhood. They're pretty similar in how they manifest and they both matter. I also submit (for nobody's approval) that I have some very real trauma from discovering the extreme hoarding including live and dead rats we found filling my dad's house after he died. Nobody knew it had gotten like that until he went to the hospital not feeling well and died within days. And I had dreams about that house constantly for years. I'm working through it, thankfully pretty often in my dreams dad would show up and be not dead after all, but he never minded we had to have a removal company come in haz mat suits and literally shovel it out.

These dreams are your brain working stuff out, like all dreams are. The nightmares will fade. Good luck and best wishes.

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I empathize on the house. My MIL is a hoarder, the house was a mess for years and she and FIL would not let anyone in. FIL wanted a new bed, but the passage was too narrow to allow anyone to bring a new bed into the bedroom and remove the old one. After FIL passed, she was there by herself for about 7 months & her delusions got the better of her. She thought people were trying to break in and rape her (an 87 yr old hag like, venomous woman who spewed filth all the time). She was only pleasant when she wanted something. MIL kept calling the police. She kept trying to move in with us when we told her it wasn’t possible with her dog. The dog would have to be put to sleep before anything like that would happen (it peed & pooped everywhere) and she would have to agree and sign ground rules which we knew she wouldn’t like. In effect, our house our rules. Seems harsh, but the treatment she dished to DH for years was so heinous (calling him names, interfering with phones calls with his father, prohibiting him from visiting, etc).

She ended up going to assisted living 1/2 an hour from where she used to live and I cleared out the majority of her trash, shoes (more shoes than Imelda Marcos), clothes, furniture that was destroyed by dog pee and poop, because my husband was so enraged at her, he couldn’t deal with it.

At the end, he came and we hired contractors to fix the place and sold the house because we were lucky enough to have POA. MIL is really lucky not to have that albatross hanging around her neck. It sold before interest rates went up.

I am so traumatized I promised myself I would start getting rid of a lot of my things do that my daughter wouldn’t be stuck.

I always feel exhausted dealing with this because of my MIL and when I let her know what a horrible mess she left, how poorly she treated DH and FIL, she becomes upset. She feels she is pure as the driven snow. I just remind her that there is a reason she is alone, doesn’t receive visits and isn’t welcome to move closer.

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My dreams of family are almost always pleasant. I often tell myself the dream and work out what my allegorical mind is telling me in the tale. For instance, in your Mom's case I might guess "You took over my life. I lost control of my own life" coming. You redid her "life" essentially. Dreams are full of symbols. Your telling her to go away is essentially telling her in no uncertain terms you did what you thought best the best you could and that's just going to have to be enough.
I love dreams. I believe they help us work out our concerns in the waking world. My brother has been gone for 2 years only, and my parents a good deal longer, so my dreams of my parents are almost always benign. In dreams of my brother we aqree often doing what we did in real life, out there antiquing together, going to other towns, other places, exploring.

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I definitely think you can get PTSD after taking care of someone who is Ill . With My Mom I had the worst 2 weeks of my life after she was released from a rehab . The VNA Nurse didn't show up till a couple weeks later and we called 911 . She died a few months later . My brother fell just as I got her to a nursing home and he had stage 4 cancer so after she died I brought my brother to live with me and after several months I was burnt out and he was admitted to ICU - stage 4 cancer and he had to go to a rehab. it was a relief . The hardest Part was my Mom was brain dead and kept alive by machines and we turned off the machines . My brother was hospice and deciding on the morphine . I got very sick for 2 months afterwards . terribly Ill . I dreamt of my friend Peter that winter and he died May 2018 and another friend Miles I dreamt of him in January 2018 and he Passed February 2018 . I hadn't seen these people in Years . I had to take care of properties and My Dad and I only had a break June 2019 - June 2020 . I had to deal with a tenant who committed suicide in 2019 . Oh yes you can get PTSD from caretaking - I have seen it . One Hospice Nurse had a bad nervous breakdown . My friend was worn out from taking care of his Housemate for 3 years who had bad dementia . I find I go to bed earlier and tire easily . If your dealing with odd behavior the body doesn't always Know how to process this information . If you are making Life and death decisions That wears on the Body and brain . Burn out is real . Maybe you should find a grief counselor - even if you go once for 3 - 4 Hours and they can help you process the pain . I know after another brother died I wanted to sleep and finally I went to a grief counselor and we talked for 3 and a half Hours before Mothers day . She said to me " You didn't lose a bother you Lost a son . " Which really made sense to me . I believe in a afterlife and reincarnation . My Mom Pops up occasionally in My dreams and its like she is still alive . She said in one dream " what happened to my apartment ? " So yes It takes time to heal the trauma and your Body it can take even a few years to recover if you were running on adrenaline . There is a strong component with your Kidneys and adrenaline and panic attacks and PTSD .

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Thank you for sharing your story, you are the super hero in the family, the compliment is from the bottom of my heart, take very good care of yourself now, after all the experiences of taking care of people, you have armed yourself with more knowledge and emotional fortress to ward off feelings that might cause distress unnecessarily, of course I understand as human beings we have feelings no matter what. 🙏

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My father passed away in 1999 and for an entire year after my father passed away I saw him very often in my dreams. In those dreams, I saw my mother, who was still alive at that time, and my father but he was always in the background. About a year later my mother passed away. A few days before my mother died, I had a dream that I visited my parents’ house and as I walked into the kitchen they were both busy cleaning up their kitchen. Little did I know at the time that my father came back to help prepare my mother for her death. After my mother passed, I did not have anymore dreams about my father or my mother. I came to the realization that he was always present in my dreams because he was waiting for my mother to die so she could join him on the other side.

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What a beautiful thing your father did for your mom, that’s love…

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I think these dreams are a true blessing. As them coming to visit to be sure you're ok. I yearn for those dreams. Not a judgment - just providing another perspective. Blessings to you.

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I've had dreams about my mom. It will be seven years May 9th since she passed.
When I had my first dream it was right after she had died. In the dream my mom and a bunch of other people were at an amusement park having a great time. I was watching them when suddenly there was a figure of a person in the shadows who went over to my mom and said "go talk to her" So I went and sat down and my mom joined me. I was crying really hard and said "I miss you so much" My mom just held me and never said anything. I felt when I woke up that in the dream my mom had crossed over and was happy and that I needed to accept her death and move on. I'm no dream interpreter but that's what I got out of it.

Since then my mom is sometimes a background figure in my dreams. There but not really directly involved in anything.

I feel comforted by my dreams. I think we project our own feelings into our dreams. If they aren't pleasant for you maybe you need to come to terms with something in your life that you are not addressing. Or I could be totally wrong. Just my opinion.

An interesting topic. I'm glad you brought it up.

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I feel the same when I dream of my mom, I see her but know I am to stay a distance. Like you I feel these dreams are to let me know she is ok. I had a dream once my uncle was trying to call me. But the voice was fading. When I woke I texted my Aunt. She said he had passed. I was shaken for hours. I knee he was saying good by and it was not really a dream.

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If you truly think that these are PTSD dreams you should talk to someone about them.
PTSD can effect you in many ways that you do not even realize. Your nightmares may be just the tip of the iceberg.
ANY trauma can manifest itself as PTSD and should be dealt with. 3-4 years is far to long.
It may not take much time at all talking to someone about this. But it is worth checking out.
((hugs)) I hope you do find peace

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My Dad passed unexpectedly when I was 26 yrs old. He and I we're very close. That was 44 years ago. We didn't get to say our good byes. It was horrible grief. Many years later I had a dream where I saw my dad in a place i was familiar with but a place we had never been together. He looked at me, never acknowledging my presence. I was crushed and it bothered me for years. Then i had another dream years later. Funny that I was in the exact place as the first dream but this time, Daddy looked at me and smiled. I was euphoric! I've never dreamed of him again.
I had an abusive husband for 40+ yrs. He finally passed from a rare disease. I kept having dreams of him screaming and yelling at me. I finallyI realized that I had forgotten one of many many places he wanted his ashes scattered. Once i placed his remaining ashes at the site, all dreams of him stopped.
My job was finally done for this man. I served my time,

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It is interesting that you said,” I have done my time”, I find some sense of humor in the sentence. Am I wrong? I am happy that you are peaceful now.

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Yes! Both of my parents have been gone for nearly 25 years but I still see them in my dreams off and on. These are pleasant dreams that often take place in the home I grew up in. We moved from that home when I was 18, I am now 67.
I do not find these dreams disturbing at all in fact they usually amuse me. My brother says he dreams of that house too, so I do not think it's anything to worry about.

Does anyone dream regularly about their dead parents?

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