I am a live-in caretaker to my 75 year old narcissist mother, who is on year two post-stroke. I'm an only child and the only person willing to take this on. She was a sad, broken person even before the stroke (anyone who is close to someone with NPD will know about the abuse and destruction they inflict on others). I'm 40 years old and I feel like I gave up my entire adult life for her. I moved back home (across the country) to take care of her. No friends, no life, and will have to quit my job once the office reopens later this summer.
Lately, I've felt an overpowering urge to run away from this life. No explanation, no looking back, just slipping out in the middle of the night and leaving without a trace. Does anyone else feel like this? And what do you do when you want to escape so badly it's all you can think about sometimes? And it's not just my mom I want to escape, I feel like going to a distant foreign country and being totally anonymous -- just a complete absence of responsibility to anyone and anything.
Why do YOU have to do this?
My mother had a stroke. She went to rehab and then to a nursing home.
Is that option not available? Why not?
Don’t know if you are a Paul Simon fan. I have always loved him and have seen him live at our Jazz Fest. He’s fantastic! Music is always a joyful escape for me.
Your posting reminds me of his song, 50 ways to leave a lover, but in your case, substitute ‘Mom’ for lover!
You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just set yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
I think all caregivers have felt like that at one time or another and if they say they haven’t, they are lying!
I truly hope that one day, you can as Paul says, “set yourself free!”
Now this son will go threw my head all day
You entered this commitment without any sense but that you had to do it, no balance of what you could offer to her and STILL maintain what you needed for your own welfare. You’ve learned since you overturned your own life that you have lost what you need for yourself.
If Mom has financial resources, place her in the best care facility you can find, and reassume responsibility for your own welfare. Remain in touch with her, visit if you choose to do so, but relieve yourself of the full time responsibilities of her hands on care.
Birthing you did not bestow on you the responsibility of erasing yourself to be a caregiver to someone else. Some people can and do take the role of full time care giving willingly. You, in your current place in life, ARE NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
That you acknowledge that fact takes courage. Now, take action.
I can only speak for myself and say that many times I have thought about throwing the towel and was near a nervous breakdown until someone here gave me a slight nudge with the proverbial 2X4 over the head.
Some people can handle it all, career, kids, dogs, football practice, taking care of a parent, etc. not me. You have your entire life ahead of you. Yes care for your mom if you would like but place yourself 1st.
Yes, yes and yes! I have felt the way you feel. This is a desperate cry for change in your life. Wanting to leave "everything" is a natural feeling when you are completely overwrought by such negative circumstances. I am also an only child of a narcissist mother. There is no way I would ever move in with her. Forty is young! You should be living, working and thriving...not sitting in house with a personality disordered person and becoming a 24 hour nurse. Please move past the "good child" syndrome. You obviously care about her. Please start seeking assistance in getting your mom alternate care...trust me...if you continue this...she could outlive you! Real life is not a scripted episode of "The Walton's" where everyone helped out and managed to create their own lives. Caregiving for aging and ill parents of onlies is a differentiated tier. Please get in touch with the local geriatric aging service, start making plans and do not look back.
Seriously, once it is more Covid safe to do so, take a short break. Book respite for Mom (in-home or accommodation) & go. Somewhere short first. An afternoon. Then a full day. Then a weekend. Otherwise you start to live an 87 yr old life.
I fantacised about a beautiful place I had visited on holidays. About packing a go bag & just going.
What helped me then was support. I found being a 'lone ranger' was not enough. I needed a village. I sought more helpers & things slowly changed. Or I could say, I accepted I needed to make some changes.
Who else helps with Mom?
Your job. Tell me about that. Do you like it? Like the people there? What's your home town like?
I'm thinking you may have given your Mother a lovely gift - this time you cared for her. But all things must end. Time for a new plan. A plan where you return to your job, home & life & Mother moves into the care accommodation she now needs.
What are your thoughts about that?
Please start seeking a caregiver to come in during the day at least so that when you go back to work, someone will be there during the day.
And yes, lots of us just want to run away and not worry about bills, meds, appointments for the patient,and work. Hugs to you.
You're experiencing FOG, fear, obligation, and guilt. It's something you can research to find lots of resources online. Please care for yourself. Do not sacrifice yourself for someone who can never be satisfied and will never be happy, even if you destroy yourself trying.
I made all of mom’s needs far more important than any of my own,
justifying it all by telling myself I could do this because of my great love for my mom, who is a covert narcissist. And I am a fool.
You moved from a different state and said you have no friends, no life. I’m in the same boat and that has to change. I think you made an important step forward by writing to us. Even if it’s only once per week, can you make a commitment to get out and perhaps meet others to start getting a life? I’m having trouble with that, myself, but know I need to do it or lose what few social skills remain. I agree with other posters that quitting your job seems a step backwards right now, but, maybe you hate it. We don’t have enough info to do much more than to speculate, but to answer your post, YES, I WANT TO RUN AWAY! You aren’t alone in that impulse, and I hope it helps you a bit to hear many feel as you do.
jhalldenton and AnnReid, thanks for your very helpful words. I shall read your posts over and over. ❤️
I have started taking mini breaks. I book a room, have a nice dinner, and try to think new thoughts, completely new thoughts. Or go exploring. It’s not extravagant and is barely a 24 hour break, but it helps (once a month). Once every 6 months, I take a 3-nighter! Hey!
You know your situation and what you need (vs. “want”).
You want to run away, but you need to start doing what you CAN to move forward, step by step, toward hopefulness, toward peacefulness in your heart. I hope you can explore something completely new, soon and find a tiny spark of joy, if only to ignite the next tiny little spark.....
love to you
instead. I retreat into the bathroom and stay there pampering myself whether it’s a shower or exfoliation my feet or just anything to relax my mind. Hang in there, I am, by my toenails, this chapter won’t last forever. I wish you peace .
"She doesn't want to work with anyone when I leave".
because you are #1 choice. She won't work with anyone else while you are available.
Stop being so available.
If you are not available, she will indeed have to work with caregivers #2,3,4.
Start small. Book a caregiver for a regular afternoon. Take NO phone calls from her. You are BUSY. At school, getting your hair done, whatever.
Does she use threats life 'if you dare leave, I'll take my Life Alarm button off!'
If so, that's *Emotional Blackmail*. People will use this as long as it worksfor them. It's very selfish... but also very smart.
Start training HER, or else she will keep training you! 😉. Eg "Ok if you decide to take off your Life Alert, that's up to you. But Caregiver (insert name) will be here with you all afternoon & can call EMS if you fall down".
There have even been posters report fake falls for attention if they go out or invented medical emergencies every time they book a trip away...
DO NOT QUIT your job. Remember, some day you too will need to pay for your retirement and you will need resources.
If you mother has financial resources and assets she can hire in home aid to take care of her - or move into appropriate facility that can care for her needs and keep her safe. If she doesn't have resources - check with the Agency on Aging in your area (or what they call it in your are) for assistance to get her the resources she needs.
Yes I too have felt like running away. Pursue your life.
Is it safe where you live to have a weekend away? Beach, cabin in the woods, a lake house - where do you love?
Get yourself a holiday. Some you-time.
Space. Distance. Perspective.
Feelings of running away are probably because you need to do just that. But start small.
What are the barriers to booking a weekend away this month?
You are not alone.
A strange thing I find is that noone inquires how I am (the caretaker)
The pat phrases people will say to me are ... It is always oh your mom or dad are 102 and 92 how blessed you are to have them for so long ! Then they follow it with how is your mom doing? (or dad) I have never in 8 years of solid solo caretaking been asked.... "How are YOU doing? What can I do to help?
I just do not think they get it at all. The heartbreak / exhaustion/ fear of funding to name just one thing/ fear of nursing if you are not a nurse /type . etc
Praying to God and Jesus help so definately do that . They are my strength. We are human and have emotions and
So yes I DO feel like running away. I feel like not getting out of bed because if I move (wake up) to do any thing for myself "the laws of nature know" and I will get a call to go to the emergency room to meet the ambulance I am constantly going through my head pay her bill or what can I take to her to make her day or you need o visit er
Justkeep going the best you can and take a day for your self if you can. Know that you are doing the best you can God bless you and may you find some rest. When you do let me know how! Lol . :)
I will try to write more another day. So sorry it has gotten late and need to close this out. thanks for everyone sharing! It helps a LOT !
Caregivers are taken for granted. People do forget about the caregiver. Caregivers are expected to do everything and handle it all in stride.
It’s so important for caregivers to refuel. Without rest caregivers burn out. Caregivers are often criticized, and rarely have anyone to step in to help them.
I am glad to see that you have pointed out this message. I used to post about this issue as well.
There is. a thread on this forum that someone made asking the caregiver, “How are you?”
I think it’s a great idea to have a thread for caregivers to express their sentiments.
I am desperately trying to find respite care for August but because of the pandemic they told me to call back in July.
Can you try that too? I also am an only child... Yea one of the spoiled children... As I have been told for just too long.
Im 22 turning 23 soon and have been caring for my grandmother for almost 9 years. I honestly don’t know where my life is headed .. but I’ve found peace by putting it it in the hands of God. I’ve found many hobbies to keep myself active.. it’s lonely sometimes... but he never fails :)
all my photos and school reports.Now has given POA to my brother because he is male.She has also
disinherited me.Blame and abuse constantly.Hard to take.Now even lies about my
life!I am 65.I think I should leave and let the brother take over.
I finally decided that I had no choice but to nit only seek help with my care providing tasks, but mental health help for myself. When people are narcissistic that just adds to the fuel. Please take the road to regaining your own health and life. Even if this means placing mom into a care facility. You will be doing both her and yourself great justice. You are not responsible for caring for your elderly parents. While you may feel guilty, don't,
Best wishes.