I take care of my elderly parents w/o any help from my brother who doesn't want to be bothered. My mom doesn't want to hurt my brother's feelings, so she never gets mad at him or tells him he needs to help out. My mom has no issues yelling at me.
Anyone else in this same situation?
I have to admit that my brother did help my parents in some ways as they were older but if he visited less frequently it was always excused. If he was rude to them it was brushed off and his appearance or behaviour didn't seem to be under scrutiny as mine was.
When my Dad died and their condo was sold, he persuaded my mother to use a 'sale by owner' method by saying that there wouldn't be any real-estate agent percentage to pay. I spent 2 months going to the condo in order to find all the documents necessary to be able to sell it and emptying it of all except the furniture, sometimes 3 or 4 times a week. He and his wife popped in for a weekend to 'stage' it and then it was put on the market. After the sale, without mentioning it to me, he persuaded my mother that he should get the equivalent of the real-estate agent's percentage 'because he saved it for her'. That was worth over $10,000 and he wrote out a cheque for her and she signed it immediately! You can imagine I was incensed because I felt that without all my effort he wouldn't have been able to sell it.
During my parents' later years I also did their taxes for them and when my Dad died, I did all my mother's banking, accounting and taxes.
In her last years she was in a long-term care facility and I shopped for her regularly and took back items she didn't want because she was so vague about her likes. He would visit every once in a while but she told me that 'he was too busy with work' to go more frequently. I was also taking care of my husband who had emphysema and the after-effects of a stroke and so time away from him was difficult for us.
My health and sanity suffered during those years and I very much resented it.
Idon't get why some parents are so different from child to child.
It might be useful to ask for something in particular. Keep it small, especially at first. Help him take small steps towards helping. He isn't stupid or blind; he's just playing you, like my sister does me!
women.
I'm not particularly close to her and would never cultivate a friendship with her if she were not my mother. She is not an interesting person. Her entire existence was centered on "dad." Nothing beyond high school, never worked outside the home, no female friends, hobbies or outside interests. She wasn't a real good housekeeper or cook, did not "teach" her daughters anything useful. Her main goal for us was to get us married and out of the house. She refused to see a doctor regularly, so no paps, mammograms or routine health care. Which lead to a stroke at age 75, which caused cognitive decline. Dad was very frustrated by this later in life when her memory and cognitive problems caused problems (she couldn't cook for him!) He took her for lunch and long drives everyday to keep her entertained. Personal hygiene done in the hot tub. House filthy and would not allow me to take care of that. So now that he's gone, which she doesn't really understand or remember, she relies on my brother as a stand in.
That being said my parents always favored my sister and eldest brother (I’m the 2nd child, 2nd girl) tho they would never admit it. Whenever I visited the first thing they asked was if I had heard from brother/sister who rarely visited or called. I would say, "no, why don’t you call them?" Answer, "no, they are probably busy." !!!!
Fast forward 50 years when parents start needing help my youngest brother and I are the ones who stepped in and sorted things out and supported our parents. We were glad to help, although We laugh about the favoritism. Sadly older brother died at 62, sister lives out of state. I can’t help think that they gave a poor example to their children about how to treat the elderly.