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I always send a card if the person's family are people I know well. I will also sometimes send a donation to a charity in memory of the deceased. It depends on how close I am to the family. I never send flowers, because I personally think that is a waste of money that is better spent helping someone.
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The community at large are not taught the social graces or manners anymore that denotes just plain old human kindness. That said a lot of people are going to get on line and give me grief. But, we have been involved in a small country church for 20 years. My mom was the church piano player. When her dementia became apparent and covid hit we had to quarantine. She had a major hospitalization and the pastor called 1 time. Period. A year and a half later 1 time. Period. Okd friends called 1 time. I even updated them on texts. I have come to realize that out of sight, out of mind and if it doesn't pertain to me and mine people go on with their lives. I've learned over years of taking care of my 85 year old mom that we really are alone in this. We become fast friends with all the doctors and care takers. But even my only sister can't be bothered to sacrifice 10 minutes once a week to be bothered with calling our mom. I'm sorry, I digress. Your pain is real. People really don't care when life gets messy. It's your families loss that they missed the last part of your loved ones life. Trust me , you will have a clear conscience going forward. The others will make excuses and have regrets the rest of their lives. Yes you are right, when it happens to them they will want what they did not give. You do what's right in your heart. Best of luck.
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Petite1 Jun 2021
So well written Cowdiva. Sadly I could have written those exact words. May God Bless you and your Mom.
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I have sent friends this poem when they were grieving. I send it now to you along with my sympathy for your loss and wishes for a better tomorrow.

I give you this one thought to keep - I am with you still - I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush, I am the swift, uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone - I am with you still - in each new dawn.
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Ruskin59 Jun 2021
Beautiful words. It is important to look for solace but it comes in unexpected ways. Keep alert to possible sources.
you are in my thoughts even though I don’t know you.
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I'm so sorry for your loss.
Close friends do still send cards and or flowers tho sometimes they opt to donate to a charity in your mom's name.

I myself prefer visiting and giving flowers to the sick while they are alive as they don't know anything after they're gone.

Other family members might not think about giving flowers to family members thinking the loss is theirs too.

I'm sorry no one is at least calling you to see how you're doing. A lot of people seems like they don't know what to say to someone.

I agree that a close friend or family member should have called or sent you a card.

Praters God will let you find peace with your mom passing and know that even tho you'll always miss her, the pain does lessen but never really goes away but you're stronger than you think and you can do it.
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So sorry for your loss and the heart ache it brings. Many people today are so wrapped up in themselves they don’t care, or act like it, for anyone that is not in their sight. The old saying, “out of sight, out of mind.” It is so hurtful to the loved ones of the one that passed. So many are this way when a person is in the final stages of life. There is no explanation for it. It is so easy for some to just walk away, rather than have compassion. But if there is even one person that showed they cared, in some way, remember how special that was and try hard not to think about the others. So often I have found when I get sad, it’s because what I thought/expected another to do and didn’t and when it’s been a major illness or death of a loved one, we are very fragile. With no communication from these folks at least you are not hearing any of their problems. Super big hugs from someone that well understands.
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My dad died a year ago and we had a graveside funeral. Just family and it was in his home state buried next to mom. Even my closest friends did not send me a sympathy card or call me and they are my generation! I'm 68. I got some "so sorry's" on Facebook and maybe 2 cards. Some people didn’t bother to say anything even when they saw me. I don’t get it, quite frankly.
I am sad too that my niece didn’t teach her sons to write thank you cards and I finally cut out gifts to them as they live out of state and I never knew if they liked anything I sent. Even my niece who was raised by my sister isn’t too great about thank you cards. I guess this is a sign of the times but it’s a sad sign.
For me, I will continue to call and send cards and hopefully it will help the person and set an example.
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So sorry for your loss!

After my Dad passed ( before covid ) my mom got a ton of cards and on my side I got a couple of cards with the vast majority of condolences on facebook. Basically ‘sorry for your loss’ and then never mentioned again and on to making posts about biscuits or whatever. I don’t expect special treatment but it does feel very hurtful and dismissive.

I think people who haven’t been in a similar situation don’t get it, plus social media makes it easy to pop one’s head in and out of making statements without getting involved. The generation gap in mom’s treatment and mine was so obvious . It’s really put me off social media culture. That said I’m not great at flowers and cards but I will call and also reach out with a note and my # as well.

I’m grateful for the few who did step out, and now that covid is winding down here I’m leaning further away from what I call the ‘false world’ of social media.

Big huge hug to you, I hope you find some peace soon. And thank you for bringing this topic up! Hugs again
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Thank you for posting this. It is a reminder to me to reach out to people. My good friend’s mom died. We talked a few times but I did not send a card. I will now.
And please accept my sympathy for your loss. Being a caregiver consumes one’s life. And when that person’s gone, there’s a big hole.💕
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My Mother passed away and a distant friend sent flowers and a card, that meant so much to me. And nothing from close friends and relatives not even a card.

My brother committed suicide during Covid, he was 60, and absolutely not one person sent any condolences.

I figure I really don’t have any relationships that care.
Seems as if no one has the time to drop a card from the dollar store anymore.

I have learned that you truly are here on your own, with only prayer to help you through this time.

Thank God I have a caring Husband.
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WendyElaine Jun 2021
I am so sorry for your losses, especially losing your brother to suicide. (I think people don’t know what to say sometimes rather than don’t care.) I suspect people do care about you. But it surely must hurt a lot to have this loss ignored. Any relationship that you feel you might want to hang on to, maybe let them know how hurt you are over this. They might surprise you.
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I am so sorry that no one acknowledged your loss by sending a card or flowers. That is heartbreaking. Someone should have reached out to you.

Is it possible that someone did a memorial via Facebook, that you were not aware of?

I know it might sound strange, but FB has a function where people can write their memories and condolences on a memorial page. It's actually very nice.
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I send cards depending on how close I was to the person that passed or to their family. With social media, sending sympathy, thank you or birthday cards seems to be a lost tradition. I find that very sad. I’m so sorry you feel alone and neglected. Keep going to therapy and just accept that in this ever changing world, this no longer happens. But if you send a card next time you get the chance, do so. Let the other person feel loved by your actions.
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None of the family did, I guess because they are relatives also. A friend, the church & one other sent flowers. We did get quite a few cards. ( My mom had worked at the local bank when younger though, so she was well known). Mom passed during Covid so there was not a viewing. It seems from what I have seen lately if a viewing was held for anyone some flowers are sent but not like before. I think the biggest thing I noticed when mom passed other then a fruit basket, none of the neighbors we know really well nor church members dropped off any food or meals. That was tough, I was so devastated even though I knew it was coming, I still had to provide food for family and my dad. I ended up sending my husband & son that came up out for a week of take out for all but breakfast. I was in a fog. I am so sorry no one thought to send at least a card for your loss.
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Jewish people send food during Shiva. Even though we hadn't been able to actually receive Shiva visitors, in many cases, the sending of food could still be done and was done.
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PCVS Jun 2021
Also, making donations to charity. Always available!
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No, sadly we have lost many such things as life moved to the electronic and digital age.
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JennaRose Jun 2021
Sometimes I think that life was better before computers and cell phones were invented in so many different aspects (not just for older people but for young people as well).
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How sad. I would think your own close friends might at least call or email conolences.

Flowers and cards are more formal and perhaps people are getting lazier and more casual and do not want to bother with "old fashioned" conventions.

But for no one to acknowledge you loss or express sympathy has me worried for you about your own social contacts and friendships. Do you have people in your life who care about you?
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I send but never received. Different era. All the niceties and manners we grew up with have disappeared. If you get anything it's by Facebook or email. Very sad but true. So sorry for your loss. Sending virtual hugs as I don't have your contact info. 💓🌹💖
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Without addressing the specifics of your situation, I will say times have changed and customs vary greatly according to where you live. Yes, people do still reach out with flowers, cards, etc. However, a notice in the newspaper is not likely to reach that many people anymore. Neighborhoods don't collect to send flowers when someone dies like they did in my youth (telling my age there!). Most news travels by Facebook, etc., which I do not engage in. I recently had a loss and realized most of my friends did not know unless I told them. And if some time passes people may feel awkward because so much time has passed and they don't know what to say (not an excuse there, but a little bit of reality). Yes, I have been hurt when I felt others should care more, but I try to take a lesson that I need to reach out more and be aware of what others are going through. I know I have fallen short at times so I need to cut others some slack. For those you feel have been your friends in times past, don't hold back from getting in touch. Don't assume you know what people are thinking, at least give them a chance and find out.
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Social media was designed for increased communications but it seem that it has done just the opposite. It has become too easy to send impersonal messages via Facebook, etc. rather than the effort to send a wrtten card or visit an individual. I received just a few cards when my dad died in January after being his primary caregiver for almost 2 years. No follow up calls,either. I am not on any social media outlets other than email and I feel so relieved not to be addicted to the social media madness. I hope you find some peace after all you have been through and take time to do things you enjoy to heal.
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I had a very similar experience too. It was 3 years ago, but it still hurts.
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I'm sorry for your loss! When my mom passed a few years ago, I got more sympathies via FB than by mail. Those who I would have thought would communicate, didn't. I've always tried to at least send a card to the family.
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I'm so very sorry for your loss. If I knew you I would have sent you a card and maybe a fruit basket. Yes, I do those things.

I don't know what's wrong with people these days, I find some people (not all) have been selfish and only care about themselves. It's become a world where people feel entitled and lack empathy.

When my neighbor's husband passed away (and I don't know my neighbor that well) I brought her a box of assorted desserts from my local bakery.

Good for you for going to work and seeing a therapist.

Sending you hugs,
Jenna
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I'm sorry that people have let you down when you were hoping for contact after the passing of your mom. I received a half dozen or so cards in the mail after mom died last year, and I responded to each one with a thank you note. My father handled the thank you notes for the flowers (all six arrangements) at the funeral home. Of course, that was at the height of covid restrictions, so we had low expectations. Most condolences I received came via email or FB posts.

I do my card shopping at Dollar Tree. I can pick up an eight- or ten-pack of blank cards for a dollar. Can't beat that! The postage costs more than the cards.
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Yes, I still do that!
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@lolaloud It broke my heart to read this. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. There’s no way to really know why things play out the way they do. When my mom died I was mildly criticized by a family member for putting an expensive obituary in the local paper. But I did it for her and for me. It was my personal tribute to her along with a beautiful picture to show her inner and outer beauty. I hope you can somehow look beyond the lack of acknowledgment and support from others and find comfort in knowing you love her and will remember her always. ❤️
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I would like you to receive this from Me to You (prayers are with you):


Heaven lit up with a mighty presence,
as the Angels all looked down.
Today the Lord was placing the jewels
Into my mother’s crown.
He held up a golden crown,
as my darling mother looked on.
He said in His gentle voice,
‘I will now explain each one.’
‘The first gem,’ He said, ‘is a Ruby,
and it’s for endurance alone,
for all the nights you waited up
for your children to come home.’
‘For all the nights by their bedside,
you stayed till the fever went down.
For nursing every little wound,
I add this ruby to your crown.’
‘An emerald, I’ll place by the ruby,
for leading your child in the right way.
For teaching them the lessons,
That made them who they are today.’
‘For always being right there,
through all life’s important events.
I give you a sapphire stone,
for the time and love you spent.’
‘For untying the strings that held them,
when they grew up and left home.
I give you this one for courage.’
Then the Lord added a garnet stone.
‘I’ll place a stone of amethyst,’ He said.
‘For all the times you spent on your knees,
when you asked if I’d take care of your children,
and then for having faith in Me.’
‘I have a pearl for every little sacrifice
that you made without them knowing.
For all the times you went without,
to keep them happy, healthy and growing.’
‘And last of all I have a diamond,
the greatest one of all,
for sharing unconditional love
whether they were big or small.’
‘It was you love that helped them grow
Feeling safe and happy and proud
A love so strong and pure
It could shift the darkest cloud.’
After the Lord placed the last jewel in,
He said, ‘Your crown is now complete,
You’ve earned your place in Heaven
With your children at your feet.’
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Grannie9 Jun 2021
So beautiful, it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for posting it.
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I am sorry for your loss and I’m glad work helps as well as therapy. It is disappointing isn’t it, when the people you expect to be there for you are not? I took care of my motherinlaw for years. She died three months ago and I have hardly heard from her other (out of town) children who called her every day before she died. When I don’t hear from them after 2-3,weeks, I usually send them an email or text, maybe a phone message, and they usually get back to me. But they don’t initiate the contact. I thought going through the care of an older parent might have brought us all close together, but that does not seem to be the case. I hope you have someone close, a friend perhaps, that helps fill the void. Be good to yourself.
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Sending cards, especially, seems to be generational. Baby boomers tend to send cards - but the younger generations, not so much.

As you noted, many people are "in their own little world." Also, many are uncomfortable when somebody dies and they really don't know what to say.
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My sister died in January and though everyone knew about it, it was never acknowledged in any way, other than when I told them and they said sorry for your loss. I didn't really expect anything, so no hurt feelings on my part. No one but family sent flowers to the funeral home. Yes, times have changed and we have to lower our expectations as far as others thinking of us. They have their own problems, I think. I am sorry your mom died. It is really, really hard when a parent goes, no matter how old you are when it happens.
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Harpcat Jun 2021
That is so hurtful to have no one acknowledged your loss. I am so sorry that happened and know that I care.
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Yes, I do. I am 75 and it is often the only way to show you care.
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Last time I gave someone flowers because a loved one had died they looked at me as though I was mad and they weren't actually celebrating - so unless I know how someone is going to react I don't do it anymore. I will send a "thinking of you" card - usually because sympathy cards the words are so trite to receive them one must feel the sender does care a jot, whereas a simple thinking of you with an appropriate note seems more empathetic. But as a generalisation people don't say thank you for gifts until contacting one for something else, and they don't bother to find out how people are. People and families are spread our more and the bonds don't exist in the same way. Plus with so many women working there is no one to teach children, or get them to do these things, or keep in touch - today it seems to be you have them, bring them up, they leave home and make insular little units of their own - getting their contact from bubbles of people who agree with them on social media. They don't seem to learn to look outside their own ideas or their own needs.
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jacobsonbob Jun 2021
TaylorUK--You've made some excellent points, and I'd like to provide some additional thoughts:

1) I suspect electronic means of communication have changed the way people send messages, condolences, etc. permanently. FWIW, methods that were considered the norm a couple decades or more ago are probably not considered "socially required" any longer by most people.

2) Electronic communication coupled with geographic mobility has probably resulted in most people "knowing" (i.e., being acquainted with either as friends, coworkers, contacts, etc.) more people than they would have years ago. There is less knowledge of each person's family--the people known are "individuals at some point in space" rather than members of known family units. This means less interest in the respective families of these individuals, and perhaps even a dilution of interest in many of those who are geographically close or better known to a given person. This could conspire to reduce one's feeling of "closeness" and thus motivation to use more traditional means of communication, such as greeting cards.

3) Regarding the acknowledgement of gifts, I believe a couple factors are involved here. One is that many people are well-enough off that they can buy what they need and want, and what they don't buy is therefore something they don't need or want--therefore, a gift is likely useless to them if it doesn't fit either of those categories. Websites such as eBay, Amazon and others make it relatively easy to find items ranging from the ordinary to the esoteric from around the world, so many gifts people give are probably not wanted by the recipients, particularly if the former don't know the latter extremely well. There are also some givers who feel their mission is to get someone else interested in some field or hobby in which the latter person has absolutely no interest, sometimes even after it has become obvious the recipient has no interest. In light of all of these, it's probably getting increasingly difficult to "buy for" many people. All the foregoing in not intended to excuse the lack of offering thanks to the giver, but it may explain that recipients don't necessarily appreciate the gifts as much as in the past. (A few years ago, I caught some "flak" on this forum for admitting that I genuinely appreciated very few gifts I've received over the years. However, I DID give thanks to those who gave them!)

4) Now, here's an observation regarding families. My mother's extended family was very small, so they could all just about fit in one car. My father's family was much larger, such that I've had many cousins (half still alive, others now gone), and now many of the cousins are either grandparents or even great-grandparents, scattered geographically. As a result, a point arrives at which it becomes impractical to keep up with all of them, especially as most are seen only at rare intervals if at all. Originally, my father's parents were the center of a circle; years later, the cousins are now the centers of their own circles, with many not linked to the other circles, like a "clone" that eventually gets so large there no longer is anything connecting the branches. This results in less closeness, less involvement in their lives, and hence the reduction of communication, including cards.

I hope all this rambling I've written makes some sense; please feel free to let me know either way!

Bob
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