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Yes, yes I feel that way too. You are not alone! It can get to you when your world revolves around someone else’s needs. I had a little break recently, got out to see a movie while my husband was home with his mom. She called me while I was out to say “I’m really sick. But don’t worry about me. I just wanted to let you know.” She depends on me so much and that feels like a weight responsibility. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. But you are not alone. I hope you get some time to yourself to get a break that uplifts and refreshes you. But, regardless, you can always come here to vent!
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anonymous1000836 Jan 2020
Thank you! Thats why i came on here. Not to b judged for what i haven't accomplished but to not feel alone in a world that I feel alone a lot in.
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I will comment on this thread because it has more responses to basically the same question. You don’t have POA and that would put the breaks on everything for me. Responsibility with no authority is a bad situation. But your mom hasn’t been declared incompetent, so you may still be able to get it and get a will in place. I would pursue that vigorously before it’s too late. Having POA will make future steps easier on you, filling paperwork etc. Also how are you living financially without a job? Is your Mother paying you? If so you need to get a written care agreement in place to be compensated for your care. If she doesn’t want to pay you, I would look into getting paid caregivers and start to back away. Right now your Mom with dementia and many health issues, is the captain of this ship. Doesn’t make sense, does it? What she wants, what she doesn’t want, what make her mad, the world is revolving around her. As many on this forum will attest, you need to take the wheel. At least in baby steps. In between the dr appts, get her to an elder law attorney. If she won’t go, go alone to see what your options are. A POA acts as an agent for the person...basically to help them fulfill their wishes. If you want to have the really authority to do something that may be against her wishes, you could petition for guardianship if she’s declared incompetent, but then you are in complete charge. Initially that may be more exhausting than the current state, but you would have the ability to sell her house, place her in assisted or long term care. And get out from the hands on caregiving entirely.
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anonymous1000836 Jan 2020
No I do not have POA. In 20 yrs ive never got her to finish her will. Yes I have a lot to do. Saying busy all the time makes it hard to get my things done. I have been working but i just quit cleaning homes to do something else. Yes my mom has helped me. I know her mind is getting worse and I'm running out of time to get everything done i need to do.
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Tanya, you say that family won't help. Who is "family"? Do you have siblings? If you do have siblings, WHY were you stuck with elder caregiving?

What is your mother's financial situation? Do you have POA/HCPOA? Is your mother paying you?

You are only 47 years old. What kind of retirement will you have if you aren't working now?
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anonymous1000836 Jan 2020
I have another post on here that starts out saying Just curious. It has a lot of info in it about my situation. Yes i have 3 sisters. One has never helped my mom, one will help but that's less that 10 days a year and one is local, and she helps very little. I've learned you cant make ppl do what they don't want to Do, even if its their responsibility too. I take care of my mom bc I know her medical history and meds and illnesses sometimes better than her Drs. My mom can not communicate with a Dr or hospital bc she cant remember things. When I took over the medical aspects, everything just fell in my lap too. I do handle her finances, i don't not have a POA. My mom doesn't even have a will. I asked her for years to finish it, and now she can't on her own. Yes its important, but I'm the one doing everything for her so time just slips away on getting those things done. Yes my mom has helped me a lot. She helped us get our home and my car. I've financially been in a mess since my divorce in 2011 and since I met my sons dad. Bc of his problems i pretty much paid for everything. Since his death in 2015 its still been tough with no death certificate and no social security for my son. So that probably answers the next question. I have no retirement. Nothing. Ive cleaned houses for 10 years. I just stopped doing that bc my knees and back are getting worse. So yes i know my choices to help everyone but myself have screwed me. Sometimes you feel you make choices out of obligation or simply bc nobody else will do it. And those choices can become life changing. I hope i answered everything.
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Tanya - I gather from what you wrote here and in your profile that your mother is 84 y.o. with dementia. She's needy and totally dependent on you to take care of her. You have all the responsibilities, yet no power because your 84 y,o. dementia mother is running the show. You do everything she wants at the expense of your physical health, your mental health and your financial security.

YOU MUST STOP going down this path. Your mother is slowly killing you while she's alive. After she dies, she will still continue killing you from the grave, because after she's gone, you will be lost, no job, no money, and not knowing what to do with yourself and your future. The longer you are out of the work force, the harder it will be to find a job.
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Oh boy, very familiar! I was you. Learn from my mistakes. Let go. Stop trying to do it all. I cared for my mom for decades, including her living in my home for 15 years.

I am the only daughter. I was expected to do it all. This was hard as I am married and was raising my own children. Even after my children left home it was still very hard. It is too much for one person to do everything without conflict. It’s simply exhausting!

Too much togetherness causes an issue. They still view us as their child who should obey them. They are often set in their ways and aren’t willing to make adjustments. They become more and more dependent on us.

You’re not alone. All caregivers experience these things. I’m sorry things are difficult for you. I understand how it is. Been there, done that.

My relationship became complicated with my mom. She is no longer in my home.

I wish you well. Vent anytime.

Sending a bazillion hugs your way!
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anonymous1000836 Jan 2020
Thanks for the kind words. I'm feeling the weight of the world lately.
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I’m gonna be blunt...

If you continue to let your mother run the show - a’la “she’s not agreeable” and live to fulfill a promise you are ill equipped- thru no fault of your own - to keep, you’re going to wind up in the grave before your mother will.

Time for you to take a step back and make some realistic assessments of what you can do - without sacrificing your own health. Both mental and physical.
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Thank you! I have thought about outside help. But sometimes easy things get complicated. If my mom suspects we r thinking about some help for me, she starts threatening me. Just like today. If she has to have help, don't bring my son back over if i have to work. Or I can get the hell out and never return. Not been a good weekend. Gets me down. Especially with noone to talk to. Why I came on here. I need to understand why this is hard.
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Taking time out for yourself is mandatory. If hiring people is out of the question then ask family, friends, neighbors for help. Is your mom well enough to go to adult day care?
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anonymous1000836 Jan 2020
My mom doesn't leave the house except to go to Dr visits. What is adult day care? My mom actually is not agreeable to any suggestions. I promised her I'd never put her in a nursing home. In making that promise i took on a job that is overwhelming on my own. Family is busy. Nobody else really to help.
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It's natural. Caregiving can be very draining. Especially if you don't have much breaks to recharge yourself, you feel like you are running on empty. We all need a break.
What helps some people is hiring someone to help for a few hours.
All the best
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