4.5 years ago my mother wanted to move to our town and we built a house with a space for her. 2.5 years ago she had a medically-aborted stroke, and my family and I have since had to deal with her being violent, screaming at us, lying to us and lying about us. She has positioned us as the enemy. I've spent countless hours trying to find the best way to help her, found ALFs we could tour, and spent nearly a year trying to get her into a highly regarded care memory clinic to be evaluated. She has refused ALF visits and canceled multiple appointments. Instead, she's been relying on advice from questionably-motivated "friends", has removed me as POA, and seems to be changing her will to mostly exclude me (I am her only child). We've discovered from her actions and from her sister's information that my mother is and always has been a pathological liar and a narcissist. I'm not sure any more whether her issues are that or if theres dementia, and now we'll never know. When my health starting being really affected, my therapist recommended and my husband and I made the difficult decision to ask her to find another place to live. We gave her just over 2 months deadline. Now she has come back talking about elder abuse and some benefit she gets when she turns 80 (no clue what that could be), so she says she won't move out until her birthday, which is 4 months away. I didn't want to have to do the formal eviction process, but I threatened that when she said she refused. Spending the lawyer money isn't appealing especially since it may take that 4 months anyway. We never imagined it would go this way, and we really never wanted this, but we can't continue this way for the safety, physical and mental health of us or our children. Any (nice, helpful) thoughts? Advice?
You then are an arm's length away.
Don't be so afraid of doing this, she doesn't care about you or your family, time to take charge and get rid of her.
I did most everything for my mother, my brother did little, one day while driving she announced, I am not leaving you anything in my will, you have enough. That was it for me, didn't care about the money, it was she made it clear "You don't matter to me"! That was it for me, I had put up with verbal abuse for 63 years and I was done, haven't spoken to her since and never will.
Best 13 years of my adult life, do what is right for you and your family.
"I need to talk to you about the fact that my mom, who lives with us, is threatening to report us for abuse
My mom had a stroke and she is refusing recommended medical care. She threatens us and throws household objects. She has withdrawn my POA and seems to be accepting advice from someone who is financially scamming her. What can we do?"
Start the eviction process on Monday.
Your mother is in need of psychiatric attention. Allowing her to remain, untreated, in your home, is enabling her denial of her illness.
Look up "Grey Rock" as a technique for dealing with folks with personality disorders.
The next time she has a screaming fit, throws something, has a fall, or so much as hiccups, call 911 and have her taken to the ER and do not accept her back into your house.
Also, when "goes off" take out your phone and video her actions. Without comment. You may need evidence to counter her claims of who is abusing whom.
Consider installing cameras through the home to monitor her actions, especially if you are worried about the dog.
This reign of terror has to end.
If it's one of her "friends" consider taking her for a visit to them.
Change the locks. I am hoping that she hasn't paid for any part of the house.
Finally, I know this must be VERY hard for you. It must feel like you're breaking your mother's heart and possibly ending what had previously been a pretty decent relationship.
But here's the thing. What you're doing right now isn't helping your mom. It's enabling her. You are preventing her from getting the treatment that she needs.
You are going to need to stop giving her control (asking nicely and negotiating )and start treating her like an out of control toddler if that's how she behaves.
Give choices: "would you like to tour on Monday or Tuesday? Go to this AL or that AL? No, mom. That is not an option. You may not longer live here. You will be evicted if you don't leave on your own."
As I said, get to lawyer on Monday. We've got your back.
At least in SC, I've technically already started the process by giving her the letter with a date to be out. The day after that date, I would go to the Magistrate Court to file. She is served within 30 days then has 10 days to respond. If she doesn't, we're done. If she responds, we go to court, which is the question mark as far as time. That's the point where I would need a lawyer's help. No idea which way she'll go. I'd love to think she would just go, but her recent history shows otherwise.
Seems there's nothing I can do but wait at the moment. Gotta say, waiting is not my best thing.
Make her uncomfortable :
1) Remove all or most of your own furniture from her basement. Leave the bed and a chair, but not the TV.
2) Lock up your food, and stop providing food. Depending on the layout, this may involve a lock on your kitchen, the cupboards or the fridge. Any food she has that goes off is removed as a health hazard in your home.
3) Respond to her and anyone who asks “we want her to leave and seek appropriate care”.
4) Perhaps contact APS. Get in first with your story - “We never undertook to care for her, and we cannot do so in future. Her behavior is deteriorating and we cannot continue. She needs to seek appropriate care”. Remember that her ‘rights’, if any, are for occupancy, not for care or domestic services.
Try for a health assessment that she is not legally capable of changing her will.
1) Make a list of every instance of her less acceptable behavior.
2) Talk to her doctor, ask for an assessment and document her refusal to have the assessment made if you can’t organise it.
3) When you’ve done both of those, perhaps have an appointment with a lawyer about the situation, particularly regarding her legal capacity.
If a crisis is imminent, send the dog to a kennel for a couple of weeks.
Good luck!
Nope. She does not call the shots. It doesn’t matter when she wants to leave. She will leave when you tell her to leave.
You are past “nice, helpful” thoughts to handle this. She doesn’t seem able to respond to nice anymore. It will be ugly no matter what.
Give her no more than 2 weeks. She won’t go and thinks you’re not truly serious about it. Time for her to find out how serious you are.
Good luck!
Yes, I won't be surprised when the cousins start calling, but they won't get any action from me. I told them every awful detail and they chose to enter the ring with her anyway. I feel sorry for them that they didn't believe me. They'll see. She'll put on the act for a while, but it can't last forever.