Does anyone have any tips for dealing with elderly loneliness?

It's tough. Aging is tough. I remember when I was very young I would see the struggles my grandmother had with her parents and not really understand, that could be me one day. I read loneliness is the number one issue with elderly widows/widowers.
WE can't change a person because they choose to keep a negative mindset. The only thing WE can do is protect our mental health.
I was told by a doc that guilt is a useless emotion when it comes to dealing with my mom. She told me I had to get this through my skull or I would hurt my mental health. It's a daily battle at times but I repeat to myself, I am not in charge of my mother's happiness.

Sitting with my mother depresses the hell out of me. I spend no more than half an hour a day at a maximum doing it. She is either telling me she were dead (last time I actually agreed with her about that she should be) or sniping about one of my other sisters, knowing full well she snipes about me with them. I try to spend as little time as possible sitting with her. She always been a toxic woman, she is just way worse now.

Accept the fact you can't fix this. Just take care of your own mental health.

She may need to be evaluated for dementia. Abusive and angry over minor things is a symptom of a number of maladies, and it’s one of the first things that happens in dementia.

As blessed St. AlvaDeer often says, “Not everything can be fixed.” This old gal sounds like a Negative Nellie if ever there was one, and all these visits/calls (wayyyyy too many, in my opinion) are not satisfying her, so…perhaps time to cut back and just LET HER COMPLAIN. No response required. Nothing you do will EVER satisfy her, as you seem to already know. Quit making yourself crazy with this non-issue.

The problem is, no matter how much you visit or call they will claim to be lonely. Seniors are like small children, they expect to be entertained and the center of everything 24/7. No one can keep up that level.

Lots of really useful answers and advice from everyone. Thanks to all!

Any adult daycare places close by? Can she volunteer for a few hours a day somewhere or where she lives? For instance if they have tea time, can she help out and set the table or place the cookies or napkins out?

Leave her be she is "happy" in her own way.

During Covid I volunteered with a service called Mon Ami. They connect volunteers with seniors who are isolated and want to talk on the phone. It was really great, and after Covid my parents and I actually visited with her.

There may be similar programs for visiting or phone calls in your area. Maybe colleges nearby with geriatric programs, for intergenerational contact. Sometimes a different age group tolerates negativity better because they are just generally more cheerful. If they know it going in they won't take it personally.

Just a thought.. I wish you the best.

I have to say, Debbie Downers really drag you down. And the problem with them is that you make suggestions but there is always a reason why its impossible for them to do it. Been there with a friend. She made bad choices in her life. She expected things out of people and when they didn't do what she felt they should, she felt rejected. She divorced when she was 30. Leaving her to raise 2 boys alone. I am sure she did not have a nice thing to say about their Dad to them so caused some estrangement with the boys. Negatively talking about her DIL didn't help either. She had heart problems, diabetes and before her death was wheelchair bound. She took no advantage of resources available to her. I did what I could but I had a husband, a mother in decline and grandchildren I wanted to enjoy. As did most of the people she expected to help her. The last straw for me is when I received a VM with her screaming at me because I did not tell her about a class luncheon that I did not offer her a ride too. I called her, she would not pick up. I texted I had no idea what she was talking about. Never heard from her. Found out it was not our class but another class that had a luncheon.

So what I am saying is sometimes people create their own loneliness by the way they treat others and their expectations of others. You don't want to be lonely, then do something about it.

Does she have short-memory impairment at all? If so, she probably isn't even remembering that anyone visited her. This is how it is with my 89-yr old MIL in LTC. Her son will call and 5 minutes later if you asked if she enjoyed her call from Glen, she'll say she hasn't heard from him in a long time. We are resigned to the fact that no matter how many times we visit, she doesn't remember. She enjoys it "in the moment" but that's as far as it goes. We have come to grips with the fact that we aren't her entertainment committee nor are we responsible for her happiness. We love her and are responsible for her protection and health, but we can't control her state of mind (even though she is on meds for depression).

Hello Charlen74,

Nothing will beat the feeling of loneliness other than another human in people's life.

Some people are lucky enough to have a hustle and bustle of people around them children doing there things, husband or wife, girlfriend or boyfriend, and friends in general. These people don't really know loneliness because they've never experienced it. For lonely people I'm sure it's really like being locked in one's own mind with only your own thoughts spinning around.

When you've are not married and have not children, all your friend that you thought were friends have dessert you, and you have no partner and not even the visits from family, that's severe loneliness. I think with you phoning and your siblings visiting it's good your mother does not have complete loneliness, because you all look after her and visit. There many in the world literally have no one and if they are disabled on top of this and can't even get out to shops around other human beings it's even worse.

I believe your mother's loneliness is more companionship loneliness and this is where you need to look to see if this void can be filled, only another human can make loneliness better. Maybe someone her own age around her or some kind of group activities may help.

I did the same for my mom by phoning everyday, but it was only 15mins of the day, when she didn't have her mobility it was less of a problem because she had activities to do and a group she went to once a week. Then I thought about her sitting and eating alone day after day. Other siblings rarely phones and once in a blue moon visited her. After my mom's mobility issues increased along with other health issues I decided to be her caregiver.

Sometimes I wonder why many elderly like to be around busy cities and shopping area's, it's to being around other human beings and maybe some retail therapy too.

I think you are helping a lot already by phoning daily and visiting and I'm sure it's helping, it's something for your mom to look forward to.

I do not mean to digress but in the not too distant future AI driven robots will fill some of the void, my view is it would be a little sad humans can't directly fill the void instead, but as people have rushed, busy lives, juggling a million things; it's not easy to be around a single elderly LO and the only solution is finding people of their own age that are in a similar situation for companionship.

Take care.

She is having "fun" and you all are her puppets.

Cover909

I am sorry that your mom is unpleasant to be around. I know that is hard for you and your siblings to handle.

You mentioned that she attends church three times a week. Many parishes have ‘senior citizens’ groups. They do lots of fun social activities, some are at the church and others are field trips to museums, botanical gardens, etc.

Do you have a senior community center in your area? They have many activities for seniors. Socialization is important. Many elderly people are lonely and need companionship in their lives.

Isolation and loneliness can lead to depression. Explore options to see if there are senior groups that meet on a regular basis. Some even provide shuttle buses to those who need rides back and forth to the activities.

So you visit 3x/week, while your sibs only visit 1x/week? Do they ever call her on the phone?

If she attends church 3x/week, how does she get there? Are there any scripture studies at the church?

Was she always like this?

This is one of the reasons why I chose to move my father into assisted living after his health issues became too much for him to live at home — he was lonely. My mother was the social one, the one who kept up with the friends from church, even when she was not easily able to leave the house. Once she passed he had trouble being social expect for family and the pandemic just made it worse. Having him in AL (near us now) made a huge difference. He has a whole social world separate from the family.

You’re already doing too much for her. She doesn’t want to be happy or an effort to be around people.

Talking to her priest might help.

If she is complaining that people don’t flock to her, be honest. It’s because she is negative and an all-around pain to be around! She won’t like to hear that, and I doubt she’d change, but at least she’d know the reason.

Is she widowed? She may not be lonely so much as she wants her old life back. Or someone to entertain her and make her happy. No one can be all that for her.

She sounds like she gets 5 sibling visits a week, daily calls, plus church 3 times?

How is loneliness the problem? Sounds like maybe she's cranky (or too tired) from all the activity and visits?