My husband was diagnosed 14yrs. ago with Alzheimer’s which has progressed drastically and I want to keep him home as long as possible. I really need to get a few hrs away but he makes it so hard not wanting a “babysitter.” I tell him this is for me, that I need to know he is safe, but he denies the need.

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I think that by now you get that he doesn't really understand reality fully. So it isn't a discussion. It is more a matter of your simply doing it. Stating that you need help, then getting that help. He won't like it, but life is full of things we don't like, whether or not we have dementia.

Just do it. And I hope you get great help and some relief. I truly wish you the best.
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to AlvaDeer

Sounds like my husband! I fought for over a year. Finally, I told him I needed help...I was nor "keeping up". So, I called a home care agency (one recommended here). Had an initial home evaluation with them and explained my husband's extreme resistance. The agency was great. Agreed to work with us until we found a good match. Meanwhile, the first time they came, I stayed home and had them help me with chores. Changing bed linen, washing clothes, 'tidying up' husband's bathroom, sweeping the porch, mopping the kitchen floor, even helping me sort through all the mail and do filing. We did it all together, stopping to take frequent breaks and visit within earshot of hubby. Kept this up for two visits. Then, when he started joining in on conversations, I interjected.."oh gee, you need iced tea to go with lunch and you're out. Allison, would it be okay if I ran to the store to pick some up. I'll only be about 10 minutes. Honey would you be okay with that?" After that, I just slowly kept backing out of shared chores and left them alone together to visit. It took a few cycles of visits to find the right caregiver fit, but we now have one that he has latched onto. If she can't come, I trust her knowledge of my hubby to be able to choose a suitable fill in. She comes 2x weekly for 3 hours each time. I've been able to meet girlfriends for lunch, go for walks, go shopping. I even took myself to the movies last week to see 80 for Brady (great laughter therapy). I did have to conspire with the care staff and owner. My husband's beef for care was partly (probably mostly) the cost. So as far as he is concerned, they charge $20/hr. It's really twice that, but I pay the bills, so far...he blissfully thinks we are getting a deal. Hope this helps you. Honestly, it's the best thing I have done for myself as a caregiver.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to Judycares

I started out with both myself and the caregiver at home. I needed the help not my wife. It seems like a waste to pay a caregiver while you are there, but as your spouse gets used to their presence, they can become a friend that is welcome.
At least that’s how it worked for me.
Now they are best buddies and my wife misses her caregiver when she isn’t here. Every situation is different and I know I am blessed with my outcome.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to Finigan58

Hire the person and go! Husband isn't in charge anymore. His disease makes it difficult to reason with him, so you might as well quit trying. So sorry, but it's time to realize that you have the power, not him, and he may never understand that.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Fawnby

When we love them dearly we “…want to keep them home”.

Sometimes keeping them home is the best decision that can be made FOR ALL CONCERNED, and sadly, FOR ALL CONCERNED, sometimes not.

When you are trying to “reason” with him, you are sacrificing and losing time that you NEED, and not making him any more secure or comfortable by doing so.

Knowing that your efforts to structure HIM are NOT WORKING, try structuring YOU.

Congenial caretaker enters, chats with husband (snack, checkers, whatever to distract), “I’m going to run to the post office (market, Walmart, garden store) and I’ll be back really soon”, kiss, turn, and leave.

I found that “kiss-turn-leave” was a miracle, once I mastered it.

Try it! If he doesn’t protest, you will be out the door, and getting to do WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

If he DOES protest, you’ll STILL be doing what you have to do, and he’ll still be your husband who has Alzheimer’s when you get home.

A hard thing for a loving caregiver to do, but sometimes, as painful as it can be for you both, also the best you can do for both of you.

You are not alone in this.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to AnnReid

Your husband's agreement is not necessary.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to southiebella

Introduce the caregiver as a friend. "John, this is my friend Jill, she is gonna stay here for a while and do A, B, and C and I'm going to the store to get X, Y and Z. kisses, bye"
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Ohwow323

One common suggestion is to introduce the carer as a cleaner to help you – you don’t have time to look after him and do all the other jobs, get all the other things you need from the shop, etc. Agree duties that include a little cleaning (for camouflage!), but focus on anything he needs himself.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to MargaretMcKen

Accept that he doesn’t understand your needs and that he most likely won’t ever be able to understand your needs.

You sound like you are an amazing wife. Obviously, you care for your husband dearly to want him to be comfortable while you attend to your needs.

Try to have the same amount of compassion for yourself as you do for your husband.

Realize that it isn’t a luxury to have time off from caregiving, but rather a necessity.

You absolutely need rest for your body and mind. You also need rest to have enough stamina to care for your husband’s needs.

Best wishes to you and your husband.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

Get a male caregiver who doesn't want to "mother him" or control him: much better to get him a buddy for camaraderie.

Invite him to have lunch with the two of you and let them take a walk together (or a long ride) to see what they have in common.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to ConnieCaretaker

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