Does anyone have suggestions to help my husband accept having caregivers come in to relieve me?

Can you get people to help with housework, laundry, gardening, household maintenance, etc.? If you can find a trusted housekeeper, perhaps that person can keep an eye on him, while doing the work. In any case, it's very difficult and time consuming being a caregiver, so get help for yourself as much as possible. If you will have "strangers" in the house, be sure to lock up your valuables and also financial and legal papers. It's a good time to go paperless, if that works for you. Some men prefer male caregivers. Maybe a window washer could be the one to use also for caregiving, or someone to help with a deep spring cleaning - cleaning floors and carpets, etc.

I love audry810’s answer!

Isn’t it interesting how caregivers learn how to be creative? In other words, embellish the truth or outright lie to get a parent to willingly cooperate, without us losing our minds!

It reminds me of how I learned (out of desperation) to be creative as a new mom. My oldest daughter loved going to the playground when she was young.

She wouldn’t want to buckle her seatbelt. She would cry. I would become frustrated.

I don’t know how I thought of this but I told my daughter that the car wouldn’t start, nor would the wheels of the car turn, if she wasn’t buckled up. She was young enough to buy my big fat lie! LOL 😆

There wasn’t any need for a long lecture or either of us becoming upset. We were off to the playground to have fun.

audry810, you should teach a course in ‘embellishing the truth’ for the elderly. Your answer was truly brilliant!

I suppose many caregiving solutions are all hit or miss depending on the situation. It surely is worth a try to stretch the truth to get something difficult resolved.

Any close husband &wife friends or neighbors? The male friend could 'visit' hubby while you have lunch with the wife. Doesn't have to be the plan, but might sound believable.

Before my mom got “bad” with Dementia and was semi coherent, she too was against in home help/care. We told her that her insurance company required it and it was free (untrue), and if she rejected it she wouldn’t receive benefits in the future. We spoke/explained to the caregiver and paid her without mom seeing.

Several others have suggested a male care giver. I think that is an excellent idea. We have a friend whose father has Alzheimers and her mother needed a break, so my husband would take him out once a week for a few hours . They would go to breakfast or shopping or just drive around for a few hours. They both seemed to enjoy that and friends mom got some time to shop or just relax.

gardener3: It is imperative that you get time for yourself after almost one and a half decades of providing care for your husband, who unfortunately suffers from Alzheimer's. He likely won't recall why you had time away, even for a few hours, as he has lost the capacity for logical thought processes.

Maybe a little "fib" will help. Tell him that the person is a housekeeper and that you already gave him/her the list of chores. Ask him to keep an eye on him/her for you since you have "that darn appointment" that you need to go to without him.

Don’t expect to reason with someone with Alzheimer’s. With my mother some anti anxiety medication helped. Maybe introduce caretaker as a “friend who is visiting”. It is not easy!

Tell him they are bodyguards as you do not want to lose him. Tell him they are soc students doing observational research. Tell him adult services requires it. Tell him you get a break and you are taking it.

Get a male caregiver who doesn't want to "mother him" or control him: much better to get him a buddy for camaraderie.

Invite him to have lunch with the two of you and let them take a walk together (or a long ride) to see what they have in common.

Sounds like my husband! I fought for over a year. Finally, I told him I needed help...I was nor "keeping up". So, I called a home care agency (one recommended here). Had an initial home evaluation with them and explained my husband's extreme resistance. The agency was great. Agreed to work with us until we found a good match. Meanwhile, the first time they came, I stayed home and had them help me with chores. Changing bed linen, washing clothes, 'tidying up' husband's bathroom, sweeping the porch, mopping the kitchen floor, even helping me sort through all the mail and do filing. We did it all together, stopping to take frequent breaks and visit within earshot of hubby. Kept this up for two visits. Then, when he started joining in on conversations, I interjected.."oh gee, you need iced tea to go with lunch and you're out. Allison, would it be okay if I ran to the store to pick some up. I'll only be about 10 minutes. Honey would you be okay with that?" After that, I just slowly kept backing out of shared chores and left them alone together to visit. It took a few cycles of visits to find the right caregiver fit, but we now have one that he has latched onto. If she can't come, I trust her knowledge of my hubby to be able to choose a suitable fill in. She comes 2x weekly for 3 hours each time. I've been able to meet girlfriends for lunch, go for walks, go shopping. I even took myself to the movies last week to see 80 for Brady (great laughter therapy). I did have to conspire with the care staff and owner. My husband's beef for care was partly (probably mostly) the cost. So as far as he is concerned, they charge $20/hr. It's really twice that, but I pay the bills, so ...so far...he blissfully thinks we are getting a deal. Hope this helps you. Honestly, it's the best thing I have done for myself as a caregiver.

A friend of ours hired a male aide/companion for 3 days a week and 4 hours each day for his dad. He says those 12 hours per week have allowed him so much freedom and the ability to not only get things done outside the house but do things that he enjoys again like browsing at the bookstore, sitting at a cafe, and taking a walk. I would definitely not hire a woman because your husband probably associates women with babysitters.

The agency I hired to help with my dad had the workers do household chores for me. Can you have them come and just do that the first few times while you stay? Tell your husband you needed the extra help because you can’t keep up. If they seem to be busy doing other tasks perhaps he won’t feel so babysat. Let him get used to seeing and interacting with them. After he adjusts you can start leaving him in their care. You NEED time out so you don’t burn out! Go shopping and get some lunch with a friend! It saved my sanity! You might need to try a few different caregivers before you find one that clicks with him. Dementia patients are hard work and sometimes you just need to be a little tough and do what you need to.

Are you getting women to sit with him? If so see if you can get a man. Maybe a Church volunteer. Tell your husband its a friend of yours you want him to meet.

Please ask Our Heavenly Father, if you ask for genuine guidance, you will receive help.

Your husband's agreement is not necessary.

When I was looking for similar help taking care of my Alzheimer's-ridden mom, just so I could run some errands and have her safely cared for at home, I was going to tell my mom that a nursing student from a local college was doing research on women who golfed, (because my mom loved playing golf). As it turned out, Hubby was able to adjust his work hours a bit, and I could run out to run some errands, but I had the other scenario in my head. Of course, I'd have to find a caregiver willing to go along with that deception, but I imagine it could have been accomplished with the right person. Maybe you could try a similar approach with your husband, as others have suggested. You could introduce someone as a friend, neighbor, etc. Maybe you could find someone, either a volunteer or a paid caregiver, to "visit" with your husband, and talk about common interests, such as a sport they both liked, a similar profession, etc. Even if your husband doesn't remember "playing golf," or whatever, he could still enjoy the conversation, that was "benefitting" the other person. Really, it truly might be beneficial for both.

He has Alzheimer’s and cannot understand lots of things, and it does no good to try to explain so that he is ok with it. Even if he could understand at that moment he won’t remember. When the caregiver arrives just tell him she is there to do a few things for you, and say goodbye and leave.

When we love them dearly we “…want to keep them home”.

Sometimes keeping them home is the best decision that can be made FOR ALL CONCERNED, and sadly, FOR ALL CONCERNED, sometimes not.

When you are trying to “reason” with him, you are sacrificing and losing time that you NEED, and not making him any more secure or comfortable by doing so.

Knowing that your efforts to structure HIM are NOT WORKING, try structuring YOU.

Congenial caretaker enters, chats with husband (snack, checkers, whatever to distract), “I’m going to run to the post office (market, Walmart, garden store) and I’ll be back really soon”, kiss, turn, and leave.

I found that “kiss-turn-leave” was a miracle, once I mastered it.

Try it! If he doesn’t protest, you will be out the door, and getting to do WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

If he DOES protest, you’ll STILL be doing what you have to do, and he’ll still be your husband who has Alzheimer’s when you get home.

A hard thing for a loving caregiver to do, but sometimes, as painful as it can be for you both, also the best you can do for both of you.

You are not alone in this.

I like Finnigan58’s answer so much! From all I’ve read and continue to read, I’m not supposed to use the word “help” with my Dad. He still has a difficult time with the concept of extra “help”. So I did what Finnigan58 did. Asked a Visiting Angel (company) to come in with me there and gradually easing Dad into a relationship with the caregiver while slowly befriending him and cooking for him and doing other chores. It took some time and patience, but now she is not just a friend and companion, but also a great caregiver. Good luck to you on your journey!

I started out with both myself and the caregiver at home. I needed the help not my wife. It seems like a waste to pay a caregiver while you are there, but as your spouse gets used to their presence, they can become a friend that is welcome.
At least that’s how it worked for me.
Now they are best buddies and my wife misses her caregiver when she isn’t here. Every situation is different and I know I am blessed with my outcome.

I hope you find some answers . My fathers had an apartment downstairs and he refuses care . It is all in me and he refuses to have anyone come in to make things easier on me . He was always a self centered narcissist and still is . The only ones happiness is important is his. I have yet found a way to convince him to let someone come in to clean or anything that would help. You can’t try to convince them it is for them if they don’t want it .

He doesn't understand, his brain is broken. Don't fret if he doesn't understand, it makes no difference. He is no longer able to make wise decisions, it is time for you to be in charge.

If you do not take the time you need, there is no way that you can keep him home, that is the reality.

You seem bent on keeping him home in order to do this you must be in good mental and physical shape.

Wish you the best.

One common suggestion is to introduce the carer as a cleaner to help you – you don’t have time to look after him and do all the other jobs, get all the other things you need from the shop, etc. Agree duties that include a little cleaning (for camouflage!), but focus on anything he needs himself.

Accept that he doesn’t understand your needs and that he most likely won’t ever be able to understand your needs.

You sound like you are an amazing wife. Obviously, you care for your husband dearly to want him to be comfortable while you attend to your needs.

Try to have the same amount of compassion for yourself as you do for your husband.

Realize that it isn’t a luxury to have time off from caregiving, but rather a necessity.

You absolutely need rest for your body and mind. You also need rest to have enough stamina to care for your husband’s needs.

Best wishes to you and your husband.

Introduce the caregiver as a friend. "John, this is my friend Jill, she is gonna stay here for a while and do A, B, and C and I'm going to the store to get X, Y and Z. kisses, bye"

Hire the person and go! Husband isn't in charge anymore. His disease makes it difficult to reason with him, so you might as well quit trying. So sorry, but it's time to realize that you have the power, not him, and he may never understand that.

I think that by now you get that he doesn't really understand reality fully. So it isn't a discussion. It is more a matter of your simply doing it. Stating that you need help, then getting that help. He won't like it, but life is full of things we don't like, whether or not we have dementia.

Just do it. And I hope you get great help and some relief. I truly wish you the best.