More specifically, if you do get an opportunity to go somewhere and your "patient" is left in good hands, do you feel guilty for taking that time away? Just curious as I am rather torn between responsibilities and respite time. I could sure use it but even if he were healthy enough to travel, it never really has been "his thing". Thoughts?
Is it extra, surcharge because it is short term or is it a little
less since you are uti!izing excess capacity?
From there, with a little of pressing, they will give you some numbers. I always asked for a daily rate which came along with a lot of "ifs" and the minimum number of days required.
It takes time and patience. I never got all answers from the first call. Sometimes I never got return calls. Frankly I was busy enough chasing down leads without having to hunt people down so that I could give them money.
It was hard and time consuming. I visited the ALs. However, once I had the short list and the basic information, it was a lot easier. In addition, by the time I put my Mom permanently into MC, I knew which AL/MC centers were not a fit.
Google is your friend.
Every time I go away I worry that this could be the time my mother declines further but if I didn't go I would have missed so much family time. My children generally make it to us at least once a year. My mother is in SN. There isn't any other family to deal with any issues. I suggest you to do what you need. I often feel I am kept hostage by my mother. That may sound cruel but there is very little quality to her life but she seems to want to live on. She has defied so many odds for so many years.
I just can't feel guilty anymore about traveling. I am doing it for a positive reason not meaning that should be the only choice. Even if we are not physically responsible for all the day to day care there can often be a huge emotional drain. I can get so exhausted having to advocate for each new issue and dealing with a staff doctor who often has differing opinions which are not always correct such as insisting my mother see a dermatologist for an issue that is then ruled out as a possible course of treatment by the dermatologist.
Anyway sorry to rant on. I feel you should give yourself the break you feel you need and deserve.
I needed the break (and so did mom!).
Once I had my sister stay and when I returned, Mom asked me to never leave her with my sister again. I didn’t.
As for caregivers, when I was gone I hired 24-hour coverage. Friends checked in. I felt very comfortable and relaxed because I was getting regular feedback.
When I returned, both Mom and I appreciated each other more.
However, I wondered that if I took respite, upon coming back, whether I'd have the patience to deal with her anymore.
Therefore, wherever I went, I included my Mom and she was "happy" to just go along. and I was happy to have her along. (When I had my daughter, I pretty much included her in everything I did other than go to work.)
When COVID subsided, I had the opportunity to temporarily work for a month at the job that I left when I signed up to care for my Mom.
I put my Mom in respite and away I went.
When I came back, I got right back into the swing of things. However, less than 2 weeks later, I made the decision that I couldn't do it any longer and started looking into permanent AL/MC for my Mom.
I really do think that the time away from her, made me realize what my mental state had gotten to. It took more than a few days to switch out of "turn on a dime" and wait for the next shoe to drop. It took more than a few days to realize and execute on what I planned to do 2 days into the future. I could even plan to do more than 1 thing on the same day! The idea that I could actually plan on what to do for 8 hours of my life, took me days to acknowledge.
Respite is a good thing, like a vacation is a good thing from work. However, for me, after respite, I no longer had the 24 hour patience with Mom.
In some respects this was a good turn of events, as we got my Mom into a MC before the waiting lists started.
It may have been a while since you've been on an airplane (the service has gotten worse), but they will always tell their passengers that in case of emergency put their oxygen masks on first before they help the person in the seat next to you. Put another way, take care of the caregiver so the caregiver can take care of the patient.
Whether you're the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, the manager of a Mcdonald's, or the Caregiver of a loved one, everyone deserves a vacation, or put more aptly - a reward for a job well done.
As the manager of a boutique home healthcare agency, I deal with this all the time. Whether it's my paid caregiver who needs a vacation or the client's family calling to arrange care because the family caregiver is going away, nobody can do 24 x 365 x years of service and expect to stay on top of their game. This trip sounds special, and I would bet you would regret not going.
So why am I so vehemently in favor of you getting out of Dodge? Two things you wrote in your question. First, you said, "your patient" will be in GOOD hands" and "travel, it never really has been "his THING". From those comments, I would guess he is encouraging you to go and you have the support you need to make sure he's well cared for in your absence.
Put your oxygen mask on and have a great time! ~BRAD
There is a big gap in our ages, me being the oldest daughter, with two sisters in between. I haven’t worked in eight years, and I’m still waiting for my sister to let me help, beyond allowing me to cater their meals, for almost three years. I was allowed to make homemade meals, and deliver them, but beyond our family helping to relocate them, from a split level to a more manageable condo, she wants to “do it all”, have full control and has repeatedly let me know they need no help. NOW, she must ask me when she needs help, cause I no longer beg to help. It hurt to be told not needed. It feels like as long as they have her, they don’t miss the rest of us girls. I have never doubted their love for me, but they never call.
It’s frustrating to feel like so many years have been wasted. I’m early 60’s, and know any minute the phone could ring, and we will finally be at crisis level, and hoping our sister, isn’t the one who collapsed. Truth. Our parents always remember my name, and the difficulties are more centered on poor mobility, many health issues, and isolating for covid, as they are still going as few places as possible, plus many winter months, makes getting out harder. I miss seeing them.
Soooo….the only vacation my sister ever planned, after our parents health went downhill, was two weeks, traveling across country, taking mom with her, leaving dad at home. She needs full control, and when she told us about those plans, I was shocked. We’re never asked for our opinions, only told her plans, and that we can “ask questions”. The closer that trip got, the less it seemed mom would be capable, and she wasn’t.
I’ve had many years available, to help enrich my parent’s life, but she seems to be waiting until our parents are completely out of it, for us to get any hands on care, dealing with the caregiving issues she has for years. She is who they are comfortable with, they’ve always been a primary family unit, together. I was told that had no effect on MY life, it is her story and I was forbidden to say she never moved out of their home, that it is only “her story”. Nothing could be further from the truth, cause she is the only one that knows our parents wishes, and she is the one in charge, cause they put it all on her, and why they felt this plan was best, well I wasn’t there for that conversation, but she is who they are comfortable with. When she needs more help, I will do my best to help.
Please, do your best to accept help, if you have family offering help. Go on that vacation, if you can. Don’t allow yourself to become the only one your family member wants help from, cause my folks never gave this kind of care to either of their parents, and have no idea what they ask of her. I love them all very much, but waiting for the other shoe to drop was hell. I spent too much time, in the beginning, worrying about the future, after a lifetime of sober, one day at a time living, so now I focus more on today, again. Take care of yourself, cause that matters too.