Does anyone know why the "whipping post/scapegoat" child so often becomes the narcissist's caregiver? Even when they do not get on as well?

Just a thought. From what I have read in this post and many of the comments I am thinking what we are seeing here is a matter of boundaries. Those of you who are parents, children often push the limits with their parents. Children will often times do things that they know are wrong just to see how you will react. In fact, some psychologists say that children sometimes do this not because they want to do something they know they should not but they want to see if the parent will step in and do something if they do what they know they should not. They are pushing their parents boundaries as a way of testing them to see if the parent cares enough to stop them. Children sometimes test the parents boundaries as a way of testing the parents love for them.

I am in no way comparing seniors to children, but what I am saying is that this situation looks to me like your mom is testing you. If that situation happened with my mom I would talk to her about what I can and cannot do (my boundaries). You said that your mom is in pretty good health, so she does not have a dementia that would explain this behavior. Once you set your boundaries with her stick to them, if you don't then the problem is you not her. Let her know that you can talk to the assisted living facility and arrange for service that you are not able to provide, so she has everything she needs.

Bottom line: You deserve and have a right to put you and your family first! Too many couples/families are ruined by an aging parent taking over their lives with unreasonable demands placed on a child.

If you don't set healthy boundaries with your mom you will end up resenting her for what happens. Get control of your life back and then you will be able to enjoy the time you do spend with your mom.

I am a Geriatric Case manager who specializes in long-term care issues and I am a dementia specialist. I see this situation play out often with parents and their children and the children who are able to set reasonable boundaries with their parents are the ones who do well. If you set the boundaries and don't follow through with them you are back to square one!

I unfortunately see this with my SIL and her sons. She hates her older son because he has his father’s stature and dark hair. Favored the younger son because he looked more like her siblings. Moved away from and cut off all family except for her father when boys were 10 & 12. Since the boys became adults we have had minimal contact with them trying to rebuild a relationship. Both still lived with Mom and were responsible to work and support her. Younger son finally got away about a year ago. Met a nice girl and is helping raise her daughter. They live about 15 minutes from us now and almost an hour away from Mom. Yesterday was his 28th birthday and they came for a swim. I made dinner and a cake, he was thrilled, 1st time since he was 13 that he had a birthday cake! His brother came, 1st time in almost 4 years that we’d seen him. He seems stuck. Stuck with Mom who will not leave the house. Hopeful that reconnecting with us and seeing the life his brother is building will give him the vision of what he can have. I feel bad that SIL does not have the life that she could have had but she refuses all help. My husband had been her support system for years but the crazy stories she told and the calling and yelling at all hours became too much and he cut her off for the sake of our own family.

My experience was the golden child became narcissistic like my parents. He never had that much feelings for them unless it met his needs. I was not treated as he was but I think one of the things suffering did for me growing up was to develop feelings for people. I took care of my mom because I could not. One of the gifts my mom gave me after being with her for several years was to tell me that I was raised in a home with 3 narcissistic family members. Herself, my father and my brother. And she said they all took their rage out on me. It helped to hear her say it out loud.Bottomline is finding the sacred balance of providing enough help for her without doing too much either. And your husband is helping either one of you by doing things for her when it is manipulative. Otherwise you would be able to do it.
Take Care of you, it can be a long journey.

There are fiduciaries who do this work and are paid for it. If there are the funds, I suggest that is what is done.
Now as to the answer of why? It's terribly easy psychologically. All children take on ROLES in survival when there is bad parenting. This child took on the role of martyrdom in hopes of hearing "You are my ONLY child, you are my BEST child; I don't know what I would do without you; I love you so much". Of course that doesn't happen. We tell the world who we are. The world believes us. If we assign ourself the self-flagelant's role, the world will happily watch us whip ourselves just for their entertainment.

Becoming my mother's caregiver and being the "scapegoat child", has given me the power I never had as a child. My mother was not a good mother, but she was a good father, as a single parent. All three of her children were neglected in one way or another. Being the baby, with a different and abusive father, made me the left over who was abused by mother, sister and brother.

But, now I have been able to let my mother know that if she ever yelled at me again and didn't treat me as an equal adult, I would simply leave. She actually realized she was wrong. The yelling stopped. Then, I was able to tell my sister, "You have no right to tell me how to do anything here." Then, I just ignore my "golden child" brother, who prefers it that way, because he wants no responsibility for our mother's welfare.

I needed to change the script and being my mother's caregiver has given me the power. Power to my right to self-determination. It has also helped me to realize how I was the one who was manipulated, neglected, abused, and I am a good person. Now, I don't dislike myself like I had for most of my life. I have also learned that even though my mother was not a good mother, she was a pretty wonderful dad.

The scapegoat child is groomed to serve the narcissistic parent. The child is made to feel he/she doesn't deserve boundaries and is easily used. If the child sooner or later recognizes how she's been wronged and stands up for herself, the narcissist suffers a narcissistic injury and lashes out to punish them. It's awfully hard on the child. Sometimes the punishment lasts a lifetime, but to me it was worth it.

Helen, as my therapist always said "why do you continue to hold any expectation that things will ever change?" Sounds harsh in writing, to be sure; but she said it in a completely supportive and gentle way (no criticism, just factually), and educated me on the nature of being the family 'scapegoat' or 'black-sheep', and she continued for years to have patience with me while I SLOWLY absorbed the teaching of that truth. I now fully accept that NOTHING I do will change their attitude or behavior toward me--because it never was about me--my existence (my role) serves their own neurotic needs and fears. This hurt like hell, but less and less as time goes on, and has allowed room for me to recognize that acceptance is freedom and space to (at 65) finally, really, learn who I truly am--including my own neurotic needs and fears, ha! But I will never project them onto another human; this knowledge brings me peace and comfort, and gives me new space to grow : ) I wish everybody here who shares their experiences here with being the scapegoat and dealing with the 'can-do-no-wrong' sibling peace and my support. (That sib, naturally, uses and abuses that role that is completely unearned; but that's her inventory, not mine!)

You are their caregiver because you keep thinking your parent might see all the good things you are doing and then finally realize you are a good person and finally stop being so mean to you. It sadly does not change anything though. Many of us here have walked the same path and made various choices as a result.

Perhaps it takes one to know one?

Your husband is a wonderful man with a kind heart and sensitive soul. It's likely as unfun for him as it is for you and your brother, and he's being the adult and taking responsibility, like a quiet hero... it's to your benifit. And I was definitely the family scapegoat, and unconditionally served a very long stretch caregiving. I struggled with it for a long time, and decided I could live with myself for doing what I felt in my conscience was the right thing to do, even when being battered and trashed. I still stayed gentle and kind. It was totally depleting in every respect, but now it is over. My intention now is to be as good to me, and move myself to the top of my caregiving list.

I haven't read any of the other replies yet, but my answer is -- because, subconsciously, we believe that this ultimate giving of ourselves will prove that we are worthy of their love.
Living far away from Mother for over 30 years with one week visits once a year, and then taking her on 24/7/365, helped me to realize that her version of love and mine are very different. I understand now that she has narcissistic tendencies. Covert narcissistic personality. And that this was a learned behavior, so probably her mother taught her. Makes me sad, because this is normal to her. It took me moving 600 miles away to break the cycle. But still, my wounded child self occasionally seeks approval and empathy from someone incapable of genuinely reciprocating.

Excellent post that resonated with me as I am the whipping post child of a narc mother. I don't have any answers but have greatly appreciated what I learned by reading comments.

In my own situation, my siblings are not necessarily "golden children", OK one is for some reason. But even he tells my mom that she treats ME like a whipping post. He used those very words.

I guess like others have said, while this may be the case we have the power to control this. As Ann Landers once said (Or was it Dear Abby) no one can take advantage of you without their permission.

Must be something in me and others that feel the need to please the narc parent.

"I've been run down. I've been lied to. I don't know why I let that mean woman make me a fool...." (A.B.B.)

Well, aspects of that are true!

My late mother was not a narcissist, but she wasn't a nurturer either, having befriended a person who abused me. I did the best I could with out of state caregiving of her.

consider asking husband to meet your emotional needs ...as you put it... in areas in which you know he can succeed. If he is able to feel effective and appreciated by you in this, he may gladly shift his focus from helping you with your Mom (and his Mom in law) to a shift toward you. If he is able to be fluid in giving the concrete help to your Mom (and to you in that way) then maybe he can and will want to give emotionally to you in ways you need if you can guide..., unless you already have? Or you are both exhausted... Would he replenish with you upon invitation? Wishing you an easier, gentler time

Most people don't hit someone who hits back. You have to defend yourself. No one else is going to do that for you. You can't wait for a knight in shining armor. If you keep pulling your punches, you will keep getting taken for granted. People don't really know what they're doing. It's a reflex. So, you have to stand up for yourself.

"Maybe my husband has taken over the role of golden child from my brother - who like me is getting more and more exasperated by Mum, whereas my husband meekly does whatever she asks, ignoring the emotional toll it takes on me."

Although your question started with why one (or more) "whipping post/scapegoat" children become the caregiver, it sounds like your bigger issue is hubby tending too much to your mother and not enough to you. It does sound like your mother found a softie who she can manipulate easier. Clearly you have seen enough and have enough recommendations for setting your own boundaries. What you do need to do is have a good discussion with hubby - no accusations, no arguing, no threats, just a discussion. Ask questions such as why he needs to provide all the care he does or why he gives in to mom's demands, Don't respond to them, just ASK and dig into what is his take on things. See if you can find out what his motivations are. As you noted, perhaps it is because he lost his own parents and feels the need to do this because he couldn't do it for his own. Perhaps this is his way to "help" your situation and emotional needs. Perhaps he is just a naturally giving person. Whatever the case, he may not realize that it affects you the way it does. We are all different and react to things in different ways. But stick to asking him questions - no comments on what he replies. It will be natural to try to refute what he says, but try to avoid that. Getting to the bottom of his reasoning is important. You need to know before you can make a plan to try to compromise.

In general, I am a giving type of person. I like to help others if I can, and will do so as long as they don't take advantage of me. Some people WILL do that, and it sounds like your mother is one of them. I get satisfaction and feel good when I can help others, so this may be another reason hubby does this, but maybe he doesn't realize he is being played to some extent.

Once you understand what is behind his motivation, try to work on a compromise. If he drops everything when mom says jump, ask him to prioritize the "tasks" she is setting for him. If it is critical (no heat, AC not working, something necessary is broken/not working), then he should deal with it asap. If it is non-critical, he gets to add it to the MIL-honey-do list. Perhaps set one day/week or every other week to tend to the do list. That doesn't mean everything on the list gets done, but it will limit the times he goes. There should be a second list, the Helen-do-list... That would have the things that need tending in your own home and include helen-tending needs - take you out once/week, aka date night, spending time with you at home, either doing chores together or what have you. See if you can find a balance between the lists, so that he can fill your needs.

Don't forget he has needs too. Perhaps there should be a third list, the Hubby-list, which includes input from him, for what his needs are. He sounds like a very nice person, and you should make extra efforts to show how much you appreciate him too!

I think another consideration here, Helen is that there are some basic misunderstandings of what it means to "honor" our parents. It means to respect them for their good works and good deeds and their sacrifices in raising us. But it doesn't mean to become a slave, and a "whipping post". That can become masochism. And there of course IS a reward in that masochism, or an expected reward of others (because the parent will not) praising you. It is basically a martyrdom. When the parent doesn't give us praise we seek it from others often. I think that you would benefit so much from seeking help. Often licensed Social Workers who work with life changes can guide us in setting boundaries, in working things out, and can provide us great insight into our own reasons for choosing what we choose, and in making healthy changes for as happy a life as we can manage given that the rain does fall in all our lives.
Wishing you so much luck going forward. There is such good food for thought in this thread. We often need to reach out for a disinterested and trained person to help us just sort through and organize our thought. Otherwise we tend to stay mired in the daily routine, because it is, if not "good", at least "comfortable.

It happens because people allow it to happen. You have the power to say no more.

In my case, Mom is so deferential to men, they are in charge, know more, etc. I think she actually cowers a bit to men. She feels she can boss me around, and did since I was terribly shy as a child. I have pushed back as an adult, trying to state boundaries to no avail. Tonight she was whining about not being able to go out, then pretty much insisting that I travel to see her next weekend. I said no, as virus cases are going up. She then said how would I get it as I work from home. What if my car broke down? I always come back completely exhausted as she has a huge list of chores for me, plus she expects elaborate meals made by me. I went there about 3 weeks ago. Went ok until about day 4, then she had a hissy fit, out of the blue, but I could see her smirking. I had made one of her favorite meals, and she refused to eat it. All just playing her usual mind games with me. My brother can do no wrong. She told me tonight she sure hoped my brother wouldn’t get the virus, but had no worries about me. I shouldn’t be so selfish and only think of myself. She said I only think of myself, don’t think about her. It has always been about her. Even my brother has said nothing is ever enough for her. Needs constant attention. I blew up on her during tonight’s call. She called back twice, leaving messages. She no longer has a daughter, all I think about is myself, and I am so lazy, worthless, etc. She has said this before then calls back being nice when she needs something.
When someone said they got calls re:ants, I laughed. For at least 2 years, off and on Mom has had ants. When I was there, maybe 4 to 6 per day. I just stepped on them and flushed them. She had a meltdown about it. I was like I killed all of them. Brother had lined up an exterminator but she had him cancel. Why? Because she thrives on drama - good or bad. After the last visit, she had written two nasty notes to me, after I had not only worked full time but cleaned her home from top to bottom, made healthy meals for her, basically did everything she wanted. My brother was right. It will never be enough. I had said I was planning on making some updates to my house. If the virus gets worse in the fall might make sense for her to stay with mea while. She said you know I can’t do the stairs. I said I would look into having something done (as in stairlift). She called me back the next day ranting how buying a 2 story house was part of my evil plan as I knew she could not walk up stairs and how dare I buy a house on my own. I have been here for over 15 years, and she could navigate stairs at that time. I am an adult, so I can buy whatever I want legally. Basically it was that she could not control me and cannot do so now. I can’t change her at this point, she’s in her 90’s. I can only work on myself and limit my interaction. It is such a drain mentally and physically. A roller coaster every week.
I have reflected if I am the problem, but she was termed “difficult “ by her family. Friends have told me no, she is being unreasonable. A couple said well duh, when I said I think she’s a narcissist. Asked me how it took me so long to realize it. The problem is to not let her push my buttons and she’s an expert. Reading on the subject and journaling has helped a lot. I believe even my golden child brother got counseling as it was impacting his health.
Good luck to all other whipping posts.

Whatever the reason.. be honored that you are near your mom now, especially since your hubby doesn't seem to mind helping her out. Geez, at least you have a hubby that helps you out in these circumstances.

I wold rather have mom closer to me, so I can pop in and say hello, bring milkshakes, and cookies. music and play a big ole dime store ball with her.

you don't have to stay long 10 minutes the least... 1 hour the most, anything between is good for everyone. Make sure you bring her favorite music so the whole hall can dance with you. :)

MAKE FUN MUSICAL, AND AS SHORT AS YOU WANT. JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN FOR A MOMENT. :)

THE MOMENT IS WHAT COUNTS~~!!! LAUGH WITH HER, be happy, look happy, dance, dance dance. with her and anyone else who wants to try.

Poor Edith, was wheelchair bound. Her arms didn't move. I would hold the ball in her hands, just so she can feel that dime store, princess ball. she had fun. I would hold her hands to dance. then Ron would come around grab her hands so I can hold my mom's hands. we place music, drank our milkshakes and hamburgers, and made a party out of it. So much better with a partner in crime.. LIKE YOUR HUBBY.
My partner in crime was my bestfriend. Her mom was my mom's roommate in a a 6 pack.. IT WAS GREAT..... !!!!

This is a positive,,, make this situation positive for both you and mom.. Never mind anyone else. They can visit anytime they want to. They have her address. And now, her address is closest to you :) What could be better? You know I'm right. Once everything gets settled, and you are changing the "light", you will be fine. MUSIC, DANCE, FOOD, DANCE, LAUGHTER... SINCE SHE IS in a AL, all you need to do is bring in th happiness. HAPPINESS . JUST MAKE HER ROOM FULL OF JOY... FULL OF JOY what she likes. Your task will be easy.
visitations only 5 minutes to one hour long. what ever you can spare... MAKE IT JOYFULL..... !!!!!! PLEASE

Well, as some others have pointed out, you are female. At least in my mother's eyes, that makes you a servant. Fortunately, your mom is in AL, not living with you -- set your boundaries and don't deviate. You don't need to be at her beck and call.

Communicating on the phone when hearing impaired IS hard. But everytime Mom asks you to make her calls she gets a little less independant & you get a little more sucked in to be her girl-everyday saviour.

My sister finds it difficult to make phone calls too (stroke related speech & hand problems). She tried calling me to call others for her but it didn't take long to stop that habbit. Just so inefficient all that back & forth. Like being her on call translater. I wasn't always available when she needed my help either so it got frustrating on both sides. I suggested she find a way to organise her stuff directly. She found text works for her better. Or emails. Could your Mom text instead?

If not, just make the call & be done with it this time. But this is another piece of 'evidence' that Mom needs an AL with with 'A'. Otherwise she does the 'living' & you are the 'assistance'!

Simply because it is easy for her to use, abuse and misuse you. She had probably previously used you as a conduit to express and carry out her will and felt that you would be the perfect caretaker. Over the years, she has manipulated you and knows how to use you for her needs and wants. And you have quietly done what she wanted. From experience, I say to you, dont let her usurp your life. It will never be enough nor good enough. You will never be enough nor good enough. She knows you will put up with her crap. The other kids won't. Do only what you want to do. If she pulls the old and feeble card, tell her there are senior services and resources to help her. If she needs daily care, tell her she could have an aide come in. If she tried to shame you or guilt you, tell her senior homes can address her needs better than you can. If she threatens to disown you or not leave you any thing, well, so. You got your own, you don't need hers. If she says anything about loving you, giving you birth, taking care of you, raising you....you don't owe her anything for that, she birthed you and you have probably paid for that all your young life. Stop it and tell your husband to stop. You don't have to pay for being born. Don't let her Rob you of life. Her only desire is to use you up. She does not care about you even if she acts like it. It's only a ploy to pull you in and use you more. She is her focus. She and she only. That's why she moved near you. Be strong and of good courage. If your other siblings complain about you, telling you what you should be doing, let them do it. You will get all the work and responsibility you sacrifice your life and they get to live theirs. Why are you not as good as the others.

'she actually admitted she couldn't be bothered.'

I think that is quite illuminating. If she had said YOU have to do it for me it would show how she believes you must serve her. But can't be bothered... hmmm. Maybe because it's all getting too hard?

My relative said that. Can't be bothered. Can't do it. Is too hard. (But does things for professionals like PT).

I say 'move it or lose it' or 'you can do that'. Then just leave it. Even just by me stalling, she would often do it herself.

With the phone call - Mom, you can call them. Go into triage mode: what's the level of importance on this one? What's the worst that would happen? The receptionist may call Mom instead? It may get forgotten? Guilt may make your Mother call them afterall. It will be her problem if it's not done.

It's exhausting triaging each request though!

Helenb63, I think the scapegoat so often becomes the caregiver for two reasons. Firstly the scapegoat is trying to redeem themselves and to seek approval from their parent, having been told for a lifetime that they are just not good enough. Secondly the scapegoat wishes for a better relationship with the parent, and hopes that caring for them will result in this better relationship. Looking back, I’m sure subconsciously I wished for both of these things from my mother when she came to live with us. Within the first year it became obvious on many occasions that neither of these things would happen. My mother had viewed the arrangement as purely transactional and has had no wish to become closer to me or to stop the verbal and emotional abuse. This was a shock to me but I’ve learned to live with it. In return I ensure she is safe and cared for but I do this in a fairly detached way so that her behaviour has a limited opportunity to hurt me. I reject negative behaviour in much the same way as I’ve seen many successful professional caregivers do: through compassionate detachment. I walk away when the rages start, and literally turn my back on this kind of behaviour, or leave the room. When you starve someone of the oxygen of attention from this kind of behaviour they soon realise it is futile and the rages become less frequent.

GingerMay, I’m glad you identify with my experience of this. It’s good to know there are others in the same situation, using similar ways to cope with it all. I know I’m not crazy, a horrible person or imagining it all! Also I think it’s great you refer to the clarity of thinking that we’ve arrived at after many, many decades as a GIFT, rather than feeling aggrieved about it. As you say, we will never ever change this behaviour so an acceptance of it, coupled with the right coping strategies is definitely the way to go, for our own health and sanity.

Because they are the scapegoat!

Helenb63, I too have many times when I would prefer not to be as detached emotionally as I am when dealing with my mother and her challenging behaviour. I feel I am a caring person but I have to limit what I am prepared to give, otherwise she will once again make me ill with exhaustion through her excessive demands. This really saddens me. I have told my husband that when she is no longer with us, I will mourn the mother-daughter relationship that we never had. I've been learning to accept this now, over the past few years. It's not ideal, but it is what it is.