I have 2 brothers and a sister, they are very narcissistic, complain about everything I do wrong to my mom. She’s going to be 80 in October. My youngest brother and sister are the worst, they seem to find something to pick on me about everything. They don’t contribute to mom’s care, nor help financially. Yet they put down my grown kids that have families that they are never around, which is not true, my kids help as much as they can, they do it for me. But they all have families and children and jobs. It’s really unfair the pressure they put on me and my children. But I’m not surprised because my siblings can’t seem to bond or have any close friends. I’m burned out physically and emotionally since my parents both moved in with me 5 years ago, my Dad passed away in October, things have escalated with my siblings since then, they held back more when my Dad was alive because he would yell at them and my mom, who gossips about me and my kids not realizing that she gives them ammunition for them to attack me. I feel hopeless and stuck.

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I‘m not so sure that your mother is unaware that she gives your siblings ammunition .

She’s pitting your siblings against you on purpose so they pressure you to do what Mom wants .

Your Dad was the buffer , he’s now gone .
Don’t underestimate your mother’s manipulativeness in this . Your mother may be the covert narcissist in all this , and holds all the puppet strings to her children. You may have been the one mom chose to be the caregiver all along .

I know , because I lived this scenario .
Helpful Answer (19)
Reply to waytomisery

Yes . A lot of people have the problem you are dealing with .

Tell your mother if she’s not happy she should ask to move in with one of her other children .

Tell your siblings , if they think they can do a better job they are more than welcome to take Mom home with them .

Since your mother seems perfectly capable of talking to her other children ,
I don’t see why you have to explain anything to them . You aren’t a hired servant working for your siblings . Use excuses to get off the phone.

It may be time to find another solution for your mother’s needs .
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to waytomisery
Pressurized Jun 14, 2024
Yup. Time for mom to move. If she can trash talk Antonella to her other kids, she can move in with the other kids, or better yet, into memory care. Done.
As Dr Laura says "Just be polite and move on". No argument. No defending yourself (which leads to more argument). Just simple answers. On the phone here are a few responses to use.
1. Whoops, gotta go. Doorbell.
2. Have to go bathroom. Talk later.
3. Mom needs me. Talk later.
4. Going to consider what you said. Talk later.
5. You could be right. Let's talk later.
6. Spaghetti boiling over. Talk later.
7. Oh, Ouch! Danged bee sting. Talk later.
8. Jen's at the door. Gotta let her in. Talk later.
9. My toe's bleeding. Talk later.
10. God, you are so smart. I never thought of that. Talk later.

Come back when you need more responses. No talk, no texting. No eye contact. Sweet smiles and lots of them. "I am so lucky to have you; could you bring us over some depends medium size?"
Stay sweet. Sweetness can be very deadly.

My condolences on the loss of your Dad. It seems you are now caring for Mom. If it all gets to be too much you will have to look at tough decisions for yourself. Your siblings are unlikely to change. Keep contact very very minimal. Remember that any response from you will just PROLONG. It won't change anything, but will simply make it all worse.
Best out to you and take care.
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Reply to AlvaDeer

My husband was very critical by nature before Lewy Body Dementia. He has become more and more critical of my care over the past year. I now tell him that I'm doing the best I can, but we can look for alternative care for him in a facility if he is truly dissatisfied with my care. I told him I would prefer to take care of him, but if he thinks I'm doing such a bad job, we can choose a facility together. He doesn't always remember, but it has quieted him down some. Note that I don't threaten, simply offer. I also told this to one of his siblings who was making insane criticisms. I said "you can help me to choose a facility that will do a better job if you like, or you can take him to your house for a month or two." Silence.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Pressurized

Who is POA? the person that is POA has the last say in care management as well as financial aspects (if they are POA for both)
You can not expect anyone to "pitch in" either physically or financially.
As a matter of fact YOU should not be contributing financially the moms care. If you are contributing to keeping her "afloat" what happens when you need care? Do you expect your children (or 1 child) to be in the position you are in now? Not fair to them!!!

If you are getting to the point where you can not do this yourself then you look into hiring caregivers and or look into placing her in a facility that will be able to safely manage her care. That may be anything from Independent Living to Assisted Living, Memory Care or Skilled Nursing.

as far as picking on you, finding fault with what you do...ignore them, do not respond at all. It may be difficult but just say I am not having this conversation and then leave the room,
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Grandma1954

Are you POA? Does Mom have funds to pay for her care? If you answered no to either or both of these questions, why is Mom living with you?

If Mom has funds, hire help to care for her. Be her daughter, not her slave.

In any case, start the process to get Mom placed in a residential facility. Your situation isn't sustainable long term. Then your sibs and Mom can whine to each other and you don't have to hear it.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to DrBenshir
Antonella Jun 17, 2024
My mom doesn’t have any money except for social security which goes for paying her insurance and a few expenses, I cover the food, housing, utilities etc. Unfortunately my parents were never responsible with their money and spent every penny they had. Then the hammer came down once they lost the house, and my siblings refused to take them in, they layer it on me, which I agreed to, not knowing what I was getting into. Five years later and I’m losing my mind with all their demands. Plus my mom playing the victim and playing on my emotions and pity. I have always been too empathetic, sometimes that’s a strength, but at this time it’s a weakness.
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When I took care of my mama and daddy no one helped me. I was DPOA and what I said was:
"That's the way it is."
I had control of medical decisions, bank accounts, and the trust.
When my mama passed away. Then when daddy got too much and had to put him in a facility - it was my decision. I let everyone know A,B,C and there is no X,Y,Z. I had one sibling that did give me a problem but I put him in his place and he called me everything in the book -- too bad. I had to suck it up and just let him not get under my skin. My other siblings they cared but they knew I was taking care of him.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Ohwow323

Nothing we say or do will change anyone else’s opinion.

You can talk until you are blue in the face and it won’t matter. Or you can scream bloody murder and it won’t change a thing. You can ignore every single word and comment and it will remain the same.

Honestly, your guess is as good as mine about how to handle these things. It’s very common. Many of us have gone through similar experiences.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. You have two choices. Remain being a caregiver or figure out a way to leave.

Either way is uncomfortable but the latter will bring peace in the long run.

Wishing. you peace as you sort through this matter.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

Antonella: Prayers sent.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Llamalover47
Antonella Jun 17, 2024
Thank you, I could use all the prayers I can get, It’s really playing a toll on my mental health as well as financial, so much so that my own children are helping now with groceries, I’m working 2 jobs, plus caring for my mom, I’m exhausted all the time!
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"I feel hopeless and stuck"

They were similar to the first words I said when I finally took myself to see a Councellor.

It took a long while to consider whether I was indeed STUCK.. & if so, who by? Others? Or.. Me??

Or was I STABLE? Choosing to stay as I was due to fear of making changes?

I hadn't a clue at that stage. All I knew was it was not sustainable.

Antonella, so I ask you: is this sustainable for you?

"that my own children are helping now with groceries, I’m working 2 jobs, plus caring for my mom, I’m exhausted all the time!"
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Beatty

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