Does this sound like it would work out?

For clarication, "niece is not related to me or MIL. She is Sibiling 1 spouse's brother's kid. She has been their unpaid nanny since her mom died.

My husband has been home since Wednesday trying to help sort it out. He received some messages from the administrator again today. Her meds are missing again and the $50 fee. He went there and came home in a rage and is not speaking except to say tomorrow we are going there to make a list of all missing items. He doesn't know, he does not shop. He decided to put a new roof on the garage, I do not push matters at this point.

I think he needs to give up POA and let the state figure it out.

Ok couple questions

”non profit ministry” is the facility? Are there religious issues here that play a part? Is/was she there because of the ministry affiliation
or
Is $ an issue for being placed in a better care facility?

The whole thing sounds like a big ‘ol NOPE to me

the we hate you song would’ve been the final straw.
you don’t want to argue in front of MIL? Wheel her ass into another room and SAY SOMETHING, or ask them to step outside to chat, then lock the door

you’re not this family’s slave
again
youre not this family’s slave

the niece isn’t either, I’m guessing she’s not thrilled. But $1400 a month to sleep, which I assume is the goal, hey maybe she’s fine. Sounds like she’s being told to do this.

The thing is, the reason they're all looking reproachful at poor MILHell, is that they see it like this: *everybody's* going to do their bit! We're all sharing! We've divided it all up fairly, and it's only MILH who's letting the side down. Boo hiss!

And everybody *is* prepared to do their bit, as follows:

It's DH's house, it's his mother, he's offering her a home. [Only he isn't there. Because he has to work, and work takes him out of town. Fallback primary caregiver - OP].

Sibling 1 will take MIL to all her doctor's appointments. [Except when she can't, for undeniably good reasons. Fallback driver and escort - OP].

Niece will stay in the home overnight during the week and cover the night shift. [Except when she has assignments, or exams, or a chance of work experience, or - for heaven's sake, the kid's only 19, it's fair enough - a party to go to. Fallback night shift cover - OP].

Sibling 2 will cover 2 nights a week, and have MIL to stay at his home at the weekends. [Except when he can't, because he has other commitments or, fair enough again, has done 3 weekends on the trot and it's been exhausting and they really all need a break. Fallback weekend cover - OP].

Medicaid will supply 45 hours of caregiver support during the week. That does sound generous, and will in theory allow the OP enough "free time" to hold down her job. [And when there aren't 45 hours' worth of real life caregivers to supply? When they're ill, or they've torn a knee ligament, or they've taken jobs elsewhere, or they're late, or the OP is asked to attend a meeting that overruns, and "we just don't have the capacity, we just can't get the staff"? - Fallback caregiver - OP].

Overseas sibling will contribute $100 a week towards MIL's living costs. Well, that's very nice of him and probably as much as he can possibly do. And how does that translate into more than 24 hours a day for the OP? It doesn't.

The fact is that although there is no need to doubt anyone's sincerity or commitment, reality WILL intrude. And every single time it intrudes, it will land hard on the OP.

The plan is Not Fair BS.

Ok, all due respect - this is never going to work. I have two college aged daughters. Both are in my estimation - pretty mature and hard working. Both started out at CC to get their gen eds before transferring to 4 year colleges, not because they didn't have opportunities, but because they wanted to save the money. It's not just a walk in the park easy classes and hanging with your friends and partying. If you actually want to go to college, you treat it the same as any other educational opportunity. I'm concerned that your family may be underestimating the expectation that your 19 year old niece, that you've already described as flighty - is supposed to completely give up HER life to be paid $1400 a month indefinitely - to spend every single night caregiving. You already know this isn't going to work.

1. WHAT constitutes night? 7pm - 7am? 11pm-11am? What are the hours? M-F, S-S? How many nights a month?
2. What are her responsibilities? Is she bathing? Feeding? Housework? Medications?
3. Is she allowed to sleep? If so, is this person a light sleeper? Does she herself sleep like the dead and will she wake up if the LO wakes up and needs her? (P.S. My college kids sleep like the dead...you have to SHAKE them awake)
4. When will she be allowed to do her homework? Exams? Study? What about when her class schedule changes and she now has a night class? Who will cover that night? What about if she has an early morning lab and has to leave early?
5. When does she get a night off? Who covers that?
6. She is NINETEEN! When does she get to be a teenager? She is selling her soul as young person for $1400 a month because the other adults in the family aren't stepping in to take responsibility here.
7. What happens in an emergency? Is she responsible for transporting to the ER and staying with them, providing all medical information - does she have the authority to allow medical treatment in emergency or would she? Is she authorized to transport to the hospital in lieu of an ambulance?

All things to think about if this goes any further.

My girls are what I consider pretty mature. But I would never ask this of them at this stage. It is a lot and they are a few years older than your niece. That probably sounds like a lot of money to her but I doubt she realizes what it will cost her to earn it.

Neither should YOU be the only one taking responsibility either. There has to be a workable solution here that doesn't involve one person sacrificing their lives to make this happen.

You have got to extricate yourself from this. As long as you are giving them the solution - YOU...they are never going to find another solution. You are always going to be the solution.

MiLhell, a husband who would allow his wife to be treated that way needs to explain himself to you.

I seem to recall and incident in which he reacted quite physically to you for calling the ombudsman.

Is this marriage working out for you?

Consider visiting a divorce lawyer to discuss what you could expect in terms of division of assets. I let my bullying ex-husband cow me for years with the idea that I'd lose everything in a divorce. The opposite turned out to be true.

You KNOW this isn't going to work out.

Do you have a friend or relative that you stay with? Sounds like your H is onboard with this ridiculous and unrealistic plan...for YOU. Sounds like it will all work out for all of THEM (including your H), because YOU are really the plan.

Flighty niece isn't going to work out, and you know it.

So now you know the feelings from this group. What do you think? WILL you refuse to be the caregiving solution for this selfish family?

OP, consider that your Burden is already having to visit her 4x a day for shots and bedsore check. It’s not dressing her or bathing her or changing her or putting up with 247 behaviors.

That right there is why it’s a bad idea.

Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Nobody will do their part. Where is MIL now? If she’s in a facility, leave her there. Don’t allow her into your home. Stop punishing yourself. Hugs 🤗

Not a bad idea.

A catastrophic idea.

Tell the siblings to take her themselves if they're so convinced she isn't getting the care she needs.

Do NOT let her back into your house, even temporarily. It'll be extremely difficult to get her out if she gets back in.

My initial reaction is that you are setting yourself up for lots of emotional distress. On the other hand, you haven't stated what kind of care your MIL needs. However, I don't know what the other alternatives are.

The reason why I think it is a bad idea is because you are assuming that everyone will happily do their part. Initially, everyone may. However, 1400 a month does not pay very much for night shifts. Brother in law in town will take her every other weekend and weekdays....until he finds out how disruptive this is to his current routine. Sibling in the military will give $100 a week for food and incidentals, until they find out how much disposable income they have left over.

...which will leave you taking care of MIL all of your time. There is your housework, your electricity, your security in opening up your house to a caregiver, all which is out-of-pocket and can cause emotional distress.

The real question is "what kind of daily care will your MIL need" The idea of a caregiver is great until they don't show up or cannot find a substitute or they do "odd" stuff.

On the other hand, some people find caregiving to be extremely rewarding so in that case, giving care to a relative is very satisfying.

This sounds like a complicated orchestration with you as the big ole safety net.

It might help with Medicaid if MIL's primary care physician wrote an order stating that MIL needs skilled nursing care.

I just made dinner for husband, mother in law and Sibling 1's family. Sibling 1's children wrote a song "Everybody hates my name, my name, my name." Repeat over and over. I assume its funny, for them. I just locked myself in the bedroom.

It doesn't make sense to me why medicaid wont approve a skilled nursing facility. Does MIL have money? Is that why she is being denied? Since siblings are proven liars per your posts below how do you really know she won't be approved?

This faith based facility is appalling simply for the fact that they are not taking proper care of MIL. It sounds like an unlicensed hell hole where seniors medical needs are being neglected.

Since none of us know everything about your situation you may be feeling piled up on but people can only reply based on what you posted and cant be expected to know things you didnt share.

I suspect you are feeling trapped and scared you are going to be forced by DH and siblings to take mom into your home. That it will happen regardless of how it will affect you. I would feel the same way.

I am very sorry about the pressure and stress you are under must be overwhelming.

Dear MILHell, I am so sorry that you feel as though everyone here is ganging up on you. I’ll try to be different.

It sounds as though you are already the key linchpin propping up the whole situation, and wishful thinking is more common than rational thought in all directions. I’m sure you can see why outsiders think that getting out of it is your best (only?) option, but it isn’t always that easy.

What do you think is the best way for you to cope? If you can tell us, perhaps we can make more useful suggestions. Best wishes to WonderWoman.

Milhell,
There is so many red flags, just be honest, say no, you have every right. Siblings meeting to decide about your future, for how long ? All you need to do is step aside.
Is this some attempt to save money by damping all on you?
So what if you are selfish? Perhaps realistic?
The realistic caregiver, in attempt to control her own life lets others make decision when they benefit her.
That means everything is done to minimize her work.
Arrangements are made to cover situations, call it plan A and B. Housework, respite care for facility so caregiver can take vacations. Day programs, care workers, family members and friends.
That is me, I get help, yet, I am a good caregiver, because in many ways balance is maintained.
It is my husband’s responsibility to maintain that.
I am not naive, there will be more needs, as all diseases progress, but self preservation is my priority, selfish, yes!
It comes, I believe from certain dynamics in marriage, as our second marriage was always based on equality.
Can you really say your husband treats you as equal, if he allows his siblings to interfere in your life?

Hi Snoopy, the facility is a ministry and has religious Covid protections according to them.

We get texts stating workers are Covid + and there is a sign on the door stating Covid + facility. I wear a mask into the facility but workers do not due to religious freedoms. I always wear a mask inside.

Since MIL hae been at my home (yesterday for cleaning), I am wearing a mask inside, I am usually alone here so it is an adjustment.

I feel like beating my head into a wall. MEDICAID MANAGERS WILL NOT APPROVE A SKILLED CARE FACILITY.

I am starting to feel a bit defensive. I have NO say with the care need plan.

I know mother in law has a $10 personal need fund because husband and Sibing 1 will not allow auto debits from her account so there is a $50 fee. I pay for everything out of a joint checking account.

I can not force a case manager to do their job just because I disagree. I feel awful every single day of my life and I feel it is being piled on.

No. Why in the world do you go there 4 times a day?

This plan as outlined is just plain crazy and has zero chance of working long term.

It is not your mother, let the siblings figure it out, not your circus not your monkeys.

Keep her where she is, let the caretakers at the home give her meds. A college student isn't qualified to care for the MIL

Stop going there 4 times a day, visit once or twice a week, that's it.

I do not visit 4x a day. The aides cannot give insulin or treat bedsores, that is what I do 4x a day.

MILHell,

Why are you going to the facility four times a day? There is no need for this.
You are going to continue to be villified by your MIL and the family. They are going to treat you like the doormat and continue to walk all over you and take advatage because you allow them to.
By now making four trips a day to the facility, everyone knows that you're willing and ready to be MIL's caregiver.
So I'm going to speak plainly to you. I don't mean to sound harsh but it's for your own good.

Knock off the BS with the four visits a day. Once visit a week for half an hour is more enough from you to your MIL.
You do not want to be her caregiver, so don't let yourself fall into the martyrdom of caregiving becauseyou think it will make the family members and your MIL villify you less.

It will not.

Did I read that correctly? In home will be easier on you because you won't have to visit the facility several times a day?!

Did YOU ever say you would visit several times a day? There is an awful lot of presumptions going on here. Even your own to believe these people. You know this plan will not work for you.

I guess you did say you.would visit several times a day. There has to be a better way. Something good for you.

Hi Barb, Sibling 1 and my husband talk to the case manager who is an RN but works with a Social Worker, they call it a care team.

The assisted living in run by a non profit ministry. They only have a traveling nurse so the aides cannot do shots. They said we were trained to do them while she was at home and we were.

My point has always been why should she pay for sub par care. Those words are now biting me in the a$$.

The best laid plans of mice and men.

No matter how carefully a project is planned, something may still go wrong with it. The saying is adapted from a line in “To a Mouse,” by Robert Burns: “The best laid schemes o' mice an' men .

I think it's a bad idea.

What sounds good on paper turns out, oftentimes, to be a nightmare in reality.

Leave her where teams of caregivers working 24/7 can see to her needs vs. a 'child at community college' to care for her at night........who knows WHAT, exactly, about caregiving? And a BIL in town who will take her every other weekend and stay at the house 2 nights a week. Truly, this sounds so patched together that it will be literally impossible to iron out. Honestly.

Caregiving is not meant to be a patched-together fiasco where 10 people are trying to fit an elder into their already too busy schedule. That's a recipe for disaster and everyone KNOWS it.

Oh, and she needs INSULIN 4x a day to boot? Come on! Who'll be designated that duty? Or will that be thrown to whomever is available at any given time who does or does not know one darn thing about administering NEEDLES to elders? Insanity. That's what this 'plan' is.

Too many cooks spoil the broth, also. Who is the ONE POA here who can make ONE rational decision about this elder's care moving forward?

MILHell...

Sometimes... Just sometimes...

I find I'm apoplectic.

You're selfish because you're not prepared to do other people's work? Without reward?
You should consider yourself lucky because theoretically a "generous" amount of caregiver support is graciously awarded by the state system?

On your behalf, if you'll allow the liberty, can I just say to all of them...

Oh! Just! F*** - RIGHT - off!!!

The facility is not doing its job.
DH doesn't have time to look after his mother.
Sib 1 has her hands full.
Niece is 19 years old, ffs.
Sib 2 is otherwise engaged, on vital work I don't doubt but probably not the indefinite 24/365 commitment you're being expected to volunteer for.

And this crisis for them morphs into your responsibility... how?

No. The proposed burden falls altogether at your feet and is unreasonable. Just NO.

This is a very bad idea. Please do not go along with it, and whatever other options may be discussed, MIL being moved back to your house has to be a HARD and ABSOLUTE NO!

Being grandma's night-time caregiver in your home is gonna get real old real quick with the kid in community college and well it should. Someone that age is not going to sit around with an elder every night while their friends are out having a good time and being young.
This idea should not have even been suggested.

You will end up on the night shift.

BIL will take her every other week-end and stay two nights a week. That will last all of five minutes. He'll stay a couple of times and then the excuses for why he can't make it will start. Then he will just stop coming and not even offer a reason.

You're now working week-ends as the caregiver.

The $100 a week is a joke and no one should even take that seriously.

What will happen is you're now the Designated Caregiver. Because MIL is in your house YOU will have to do her caregiving. This is not what might happen. This is what WILL happen.

Her needs will best be met in a care facility. Please do not get talked into taking her back.

The last time I spoke with the doctor, he said I was lucky I am in New York because it is generous with care needs and deferred to the case manager.

He said when he worked in Pennsylvania, they were not as generous.

Shame on her children for not figuring this out WITHOUT making you the bad guy. Making your MIL cry is on them, not you.

Ask how she is going to get insulin 4x a day if you're at work.

She needs a higher level of care. Has anyone spoken to her doctor about getting her medically qualified for NH care? That's what's needed here.