I felt as though I was doing well 5 months into Mom's passing but I have developed a real and problematic issue with sleep.
The invasive thoughts keep me from falling asleep, almost a fear at this point.
I'm doing everything I can to help--daily exercise, therapy and a bereavement group. I've had depression for which I've been taking meds for years. I was also prescribed Trazodone. It seemed to help initially but just isn't calming my brain. The racing thoughts of reliving the 15 months of Mom and hospice and the trauma of her last days are wearing on me. I'm afraid of going to sleep.
My sleep routine is consistent but, man, heading up to bed is horrible.
How is anyone else dealing with thoughts like mine?
Thank you.
I ruminate as well over many of the decisions I had to make and wondering if I could/should have made different ones. My Mom passed away just over 6 months ago and I am still reliving her decline and death at times but currently it has lessened some. I think we get a sort of ptsd from all we have had to do and witness. Their death feels like our failure to find the perfect answer, treatment, doctor, test etc...We cannot see into the future, so we make our decisions at the time with what we know. Looking back we see things we couldn't or didn't know or understand at the time. I am an only as well and wished for someone to check in with at times for some decisions I had to make. I wish I had utilized this site earlier.
I find journaling helps. I write my feelings, thoughts, stream of conciousness and then read it back to myself. Reading it, things sometime become clearer and I find it helpful. A CBT suggested I would benefit from doing that. I also write "letters" to my Mom at times, in my journal, telling her how I feel and that I miss her and sometimes just about my day like I used to talk to her during our visits.
I have started therapy as I have developed anxiety and panic attacks after all that has happened. Mental health care is in short supply currently so our visits are more infrequent than I would like.
A warm bath with valerian and hops sweet dreams bath oil and some warm milk with ovaltine or sleepytime or chamomile tea help me relax as does deep breathing. In for count of 4, hold for 7, deep breath out for 8--all the way to the belly. It calms the vagus nerve. Cuddle something or someone even if you have to hug yourself. I haven't tried a weighted blanket, but some like them. I got a series of 3 books that were uplifting and about something I really enjoyed and read them at bedtime. They are a good distraction along with sudoku and anagram puzzles. I pray as well. These things help me. I offer them in hopes that maybe something may be of help to you.
As humans we are not omnipotent. We do not control everything, nor can we prevent everything. Medical care has come a long way but is by no stretch of the imagination ideal. We have to accept ourselves and others for our humanity.
Your Mother kept you as safe as she could when you were a child but she could not protect you from everything that could have happened to you, nor could you her. We just do the best we can at the time and in the end we know we loved them and they loved us.
I hope that when you are ready you can begin to heal those thoughts and replace them with memories of her instead of her illness and death. She was so much more than that. I struggle as well, but know our Moms wouldn't want to be remembered that way or for us to be tortured by it. They wanted the best for us and our happiness. Wishing you rest and peace----- ((((HUGS))))
It was years before thoughts of the ways I'd failed my mom were not the last thing on my mind at night.... actually your post just made me realize they are gone. Fortunately I was able to force myself to redirect my thoughts without ruminating, possibly because I forgave myself for my failings. I'm also a big bed time reader and I think that helped to turn my mind to something different.
Wishing you peace. Good sleep is also connected to having a good day. If the day is worrisome, stressful, the night will likely be the same.
I hope your sleep improves day by day.
The routine you've outlined for yourself is very impressive and you say that you are actually sleeping pretty well, it's just the heartsink and dread when you have to lie down and can't escape the reliving of what happened until your mother's passing.
My amateur guess is that it's going to take more time, simply that. Meanwhile, if you need to feel you're doing something further about it, or if it begins to disrupt or prevent adequate sleep, there are various programs you could try. If you Google "sleep hygiene" (and bear with patience all the scenarios that don't apply until you find the ones that do) you should be able to find some practical tips and plans that might help. Best of luck, wishing you comfort.
Lately, I've just been mentally hip checking my negative thoughts. Hockey term there. Or compartmentalizing. I always hated that term but it's valid. Just allow yourself a certain amount of time each day to dwell on the worst and then visually file it until the next time. If you tell yourself to never have intrusive thoughts you are setting yourself up for failure so the allowing yourself that time every day and just getting it over with may help.
I know it's hard. I got so good at making myself not think about my mom and her last days etc. that sometimes it's hard to even bring that to mind anymore. It takes time but it can happen for you.
I am so sorry to hear you continue to have problems. I would see someone. You may benefit from meditative exercises for "force" the mind away from compulsive obsessive thinking. It becomes like an ear worm in which our beady little brains split off and talk to us. Think about hearing Carly Simon sing "You're so Vain" and not being able then to let it go for a week. If you have ever read Oliver Sacks he talks about how these mental conditions for habitual addictive paths in our brain.
You are so bright and you understand fully rationally, I know, that your relationship with your Mom (which was so well written here) was unique unto itself, and that the two of you loved one another. But we can be bright and intelligence to our detriment sometimes.
I truly care about you. Grieving is unique to each of us, and it takes varying periods of time. My Mom died 18 years ago this month and there are still times I will get a visitation of clear and brief pain when I remember something sad about the end, and I say inwardly "oh, Mom............" but I realize fully now she had a good life and we had a special love.
I believe you will be OK, but don't make the mistake, because you are sooooo bright, of thinking you can push your way through this. You may need help. And if you get it make certain it is GOOOOOD help.
I trust you will be OK, hon. As always, my heart goes out to you.
As always, thank you for your kindness.
I also have a mind that likes to go into overdrive at bedtime with the intrusive thoughts. I listen to audio books in bed, and not soothing ones, ones with a good strong story I can pay attention to and focus on. I use a sleep timer so the whole entire book doesn't play after I fall asleep but even when I can't sleep at least I'm lying down in the dark resting.