When my mom (age 84 ) was hospitalized
Palliative Care, recommended Hospice. During our visit with Pallitive Care, they stated even a small bite of food was enough to "sustain life for a number of days"
Our mom has been in Hospice care since 7/24
She has been eating a bit one day and nothing for several days. I just read an earlier post and their loved one seemed to have this same pattern with 1-2 good days a week. Months ago, mom mom told my dad, "why is it others just fall down and die and we're still here?" She told the doctor she wanted to die. (Of course he told her it was illegal for him to do anything about it and put her on Wellbrutin which we learned that someone her age should not be on that med). ... So we believe in our hearts that Mom wants to pass away, I've told her 3-4 times that we love her, she's lived a good life...also saying it is not our time line rather, God's. She has said her good byes...
Is the food sustaining her? This yo yo of alertness is emotional draining. I have returned to my home 8 hours away. Another sibling and our dad sees her several times a day. I feel guilty for wanting her to pass ... This is what we all know that it's what she desires.
I just realized that she might have a uti, and started her on antibiotics yesterday. She got this way before but I had forgotten about it. I hope that's all it is.
My 90 year old mom (bipolar and early dementia) just moved in with me (my bedbound 90 yr old MIL was already living here). It's been daunting. These 2 women are competing with each other for my attention - ugh. One roams around and the other is full-care in her bed. I have zero privacy.
Back to my original sentence about chatting: we've discussed the weather till I can't stand it. There is nothing to talk about etc etc. It's a long boring road.......................
My only advice is to stop feeling guilty. It never helps you and it never helps the person you are thinking about. Do your best to make contact on a regular basis even if it is just a card in the mail. Caring for my mother in my home, I see how her spirits are lifted when she gets a phone call or a card from family because she doesn't feel so isolated. And as someone else said, support your family members that are doing the daily caregiving. Call them, let them know how much you appreciate the sacrifices they make to help your mom. Most of us have left our jobs to do this and if it is in your budget just send your caregiver a gift card to Amazon or someplace she can order from. It is nice to be appreciated although we do it for love.
All you can do is be supportive of your loved ones that are helping her and let your mom know that your behind her however she wants to handle it.
My mom is on this hospice roller coaster too. Only other people who have been through this kind of thing can understand what is intended when someone says they hope their loved one passes away soon. It means an end to suffering. It means a beginning of a new phase. It means you can go ahead and really get into the grief & healing process versus being on stand-by indefinitely.
I am learning that is not a selfish statement to make. It doesn't mean you want to erase that person's memory or legacy, as if they were never here.
Unlike TV shows, the death process can be extremely prolonged for some people, and I just find that I don't know what to do with myself during this stage. I am not a prattler, like some relatives who can babble on about nothing for hours. I feel inept to do this stage with any kind of grace at all and just hope I'm not making it worse for anybody.
It's only normal to want it to be over with. We all know this.