My mother just moved into a retirement home 10 days ago. She used to live in an apartment for 27 years in a suburb an hour away from me. I am the only daughter nearby and wanted her closer to me and felt it was time for her to have more support. She is 95 and has done well up until now but I have seen signs of decline in recent months. She doesn't see it herself. She now is complaining daily that she is unhappy, feels disoriented, feels lost and wants to go back to her old neighborhood. I have noticed that she has become extremely confused - it is like real dementia. I don't know what to do. Should I try and move her into a retirement home in her old neighborhood so she feels amongst more familiar surroundings? I feel awful everyday and am really wondering if I did the right thing. What do I need to do to make her feel better? Will she actually ever feel better or will it be like this for a long time? I feel guilty that I might be making her final years so unhappy. Doria25
I would suggest bringing things into her surroundings that are familiar: photos, paintings, furniture, etc. that will make it "homey." But, I would hold back on becoming her sole source of company and entertainment. It would be really good for her to make friends on her own and engage with her new community. That is what I am trying to get my Mom to do. I encourage her to get her hair done and participate in some of the nice activities her place offers. She is also in independent care for now with a little extra help from a paid caregiver. She has had her moments, but when I ask her if she would like to move, she says no, that she likes her apartment and the grounds. I think it is just a matter of her family being present for the things she needs, but giving her to freedom to live as independently as possible. Doing everything for her and being the only people with whom she interacts would be like accompanying your child to his kindergarten classroom everyday...they just need to adjust on their own time and in their own way.
If you are seeing a change in your Mom it may be because she is isolating herself. It is amazing how much decline can happen from social deprivation. That is one of the big reasons I chose this complex - there are ample opportunities for interaction with people Mom's own age. Mom has been there a short time, but I see some improvement and more interest in venturing out past her room.
One thing you may want to do is have the director introduce your Mom to few outgoing and positive residents. The director told us that it takes 3 weeks to get over the shock of change and 6 months for the new surroundings to feel like home. We forget how hard it is to be the "new kid on the block." It doesn't change at any age.
Pick up your Mom for drives or lunch on weekends, but let her find her own rhythm during the week.
Good luck.
One thing we did to help with the transition is to move whatever furniture we could to the facility. We also made an effort to see them more to help them adapt.
You're on the right track. I've talked to many others who have encountered the same resistance and after a few months the person really comes to enjoy it.
I did all I could for him in the last weeks.....I stayed with him when he was dying and talked to him pal to pal, going through our years together from my birth til now....telling him I could not have asked for a better mother (deceased) or better dad. I also could not ask God to keep him here, as i could not help. He was waiting for me to give him my blessing to be with mom.....I did.......Sometimes u have to do things u do not want to so for the better. U may not see this now, but in time, u will, God has the ultimate Plain..........
My 91 yo mom gets along fine in her very familiar small apartment. She knows exactly where everything is, how things are done in her building, what time the mail is delivered, what channel her favorite shows are on and even how to use the remote to find them. The hairdresser who comes to the building once a week has been doing mom's henna rinse for more than 20 years. Mother is starting to show a little confusion and memory lapses. These things are worse away from her familiar surroundings, even if she is visiting one of our homes. If she had to move, I think that it would have to be to a nursing home. I think she would need more care and services if she had to adjust to a new environment. That day may come. My sisters and I are monitoring her pretty closely.
I suspect (but I could be very wrong) that it was the familiar apartment itself that helped your mom stability. I'm not sure the neighborhood would be enough. Did she interact with her neighbors a lot? Participate in neighborhood events? Shop at local stores, etc? How important is the neighborhood to her? How much of her attachment is still relevent? (For example, if she no longer shops, it doesn't matter much how familiar or strange the stores are where she lives.)
By the way, what do you mean by a retirement home? Is this assisted living, or independent living?
Try to figure out what changes are most disorienting and perhaps you can help her get used to them. Does she see a hairdresser regularly? Go with her a few times, help her explain to the new person exactly what Mom likes done. Tell her how nice she looks. Are the cable channels different for her? Make sure she knows exactly how to watch her favorite shows. Help her through several repetitions of each new thing.If the retirement community has a bingo night, go with her a few times. One of the advantages of this move is that she gets to see you more often. Without constantly saying it, make her aware of this benefit.
Good luck!