She is 89,having mobility and self-care issues. Every day a new problem arises. My husband and 3 children(17,19,26) all help and are supportive but we are going crazy. My mom always thinks we are mad at her and she talks about each of us behind our backs. I have asked her to speak directly to whoever she has an issue with but she says she doesn't have a problem with anyone. If she doesn't see me for a few hours she asks someone if I am mad at her.
. She is "nice",doesn't complain,except about us being"mad" but she is very manipulative. I used to like to talk with her on the phone and visit with her. Now I feel as if I have lost my home . I avoid being with her as much as I can, isolate myself and I can hardly bear the thought of being with her because she acts so falsely pathetic. I am overwhelmed with guilt, grief ,anger at a situation I can't seem to clearly understand and therefore can't fix. I want to move away from my own home. I am so sad and lonely. Any help will be wonderful!
The fact that you are staying in this situation for the sake of your Mom, husband and your younger sibs despite the constant humiliation is proof that your Mom is wrong about you. Your Mom may have a mental illness or she may be such a terrified person that the only way she gets relief is to control everyone around her. Either way, you know that you have reached the point where you can’t manage her alone anymore.
It’s time to get some outside help. Your city has a number of offices of the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) . Find the one closest to you. NAMI offers suppport groups to family members who are affected by mental illness. You can learn how to detach from what your mom says and how to build your own self-esteem despite her hurtful words-Also contact your nearest chapter of th Alzheimer's Association-who deals with MANY types of dementias..their 24/7 hotline # is 800-272-3900
Good Luck!
Hap.
Her desire is to live independently, which she does for now. After that....I am not sure what we will do. Even though she does not live with us, there is constant drama. It is hard for me to separate the real from the exaggerated. Most days, I feel like you - like I want to escape or my head feels constantly fuzzy.
My only suggestion to you is to carve out a little "me" time in your day. Can your hub or kiddos stay with Gramms for a few hours while you go out with friends? Do you have a hobby that you can pursue somewhere privately in your home? or take a class? or even take a walk? She will not change (trust me) and the behaviors will continue or get worse. It is really a battle of the wills and her desire is to be the "Mom" again and regain control of the reigns. The only thing you can control is your own thoughts and actions. But if the situation becomes more toxic, you will need to find other accomodations for her. (although, 6 months is not a long enough trial period. It took me at least a year to get used to my Mom moving here...and she doesn't even live with us...)
good luck to you....and find that haven
I took care of mom at her home. We've never gotten along - ever. When it appeared she might need a lot more care, I knew I couldn't/wouldn't have her live with me. So I gotta hand it to you for moving mom in with you. I hope you won't let yourself get lost. Always remember how important you are as a person first, caregiver second, and it's not selfish to think that way. Try to throw out the guilt, ask yourself why you feel guilty and work on unloading it. Don't be afraid to ask for help from friends, family or your doctor. And please, do yourself a favor and don't buy into the martyr thing, it won't get you anywhere but in a state of exhaustion. It may sound silly, but just to make life bearable in general, I take a minute or so a few times throughtout the day to smile. I wish you the best!