Here is the deal. The local senior center has a Thanksgiving meal coming up on Sunday, the 20th. They have a meal like that once a month on Sunday. The other meals are on the weekdays. My husband and I would like to go the Sunday dinner on the 20th. I usually don't take Mom to this meal because she won't dress properly. She has dementia and lives at home alone. She wears the most ratty clothing that is dirty. I cannot take her out in those clothes so we go w/o her. She will no change her clothing. If I ask her to do so, she yells at me. So her neighbor takes her and there she is sitting with the neighbor when we get there. So I sit by her. The last time I did that she proceeded to yell at me during the whole meal. By the time I left, I had a migraine and a stomach distress. So I ask you, would it be out of line to not sit with her or to move when she starts yelling at me while I am eating? Or what should I do?
Keeping it on the "I": Dementia or not, I would never tolerate that kind of abuse if I'm the only one she yells at. First because I like to chew slowly and enjoy my food; second because it's clear my presence bothers the other person. So I'd move to another table; or leave if there's someone else willing to bring her back home.
Seems like your Mom's yelling is triggered by an external negative stimulus: you. Others might tell you "Don't feed into it," or suggest you let her vent at her leisure because she's "not all there." For every action there's a reaction, so condition or help her learn by association. If she yells, leave; if you're about to serve food and starts ranting and raving, take the plate back to the kitchen and cover it. She can feed herself afterwards. A folding table in a corner with her name tag on it can also communicate to her that yelling at the dining table isn't acceptable behavior; whether your marbles are intact or not.
This might sound a little nutty, but when at home yelling right back could not only be a liberating experience but the answer to your prayers.
I'm not sure that changing communication styles is going to solve Brandywine's challenging situation, but it might help.